Stressed

Working from home, today.

At a point during the day, my attention was drawn to my breath and the uneasiness I was feeling since the time I sat for my office work. And wanted to check-in with self, and realized I have been very stressed all thru for no visible signs of any external trigger. Possibly, it is the presence in which I grew-up, a constant reminder to be a certain way, more like walking on egg shells and be super careful not to hurt or make anyone angry. 

I wasn't able to focus on work or wasn't in mood to work, rather pushed myself hard to stick to the tasks on hand. 

To acknowledge that I am going thru a feeling of stress was something so new to me but a good sign of growth from what I was to what I am becoming.

I checked-in and asked myself, what all is bothering me.... And I had a long laundry list of stuff: 

1. Last night, conversations I overheard between mom and a maternal aunty and the tone of it. It deeply bothered me. And having that feeling of detachment from such vibes makes me self doubt. 

2.  On my work days, how to keep mom busy with something she will enjoy and lack of any concrete action from my end bothers me and I get self critical.

3. There is a lot I would like to convey to my brother as he sets on to find his life partner or companion and shield him from any unawareness of un-attended, unhealed traumas from the relationship our parents shared. But I am not around him and Phone call is not that I would be comfortable with. I just wish I have that grace to be in peace in my heart and be able to bless him and his life with ease, health and wellbeing of togetherness.

4. Unable to meet my friend suffocates me,  I crave for the deep soulful conversations and walks. And a certain life events of their life concerns me and makes me question the true meaning of my life and it's purpose.

5. There is a void I am trying to fill but I am so detected to myself at such days.

6. What's next for me is a question that is surfacing more often these days

7. The book - Palace of illusions had a deep impact on my emotions and because I completed reading it last night. I feel there is a lingering set of feelings I am still feeling and few episodes from that writing is surfacing in intervals and nudges me. I was so absorbed in that and I know it will take me few days to get back to normalcy.

8. It is becoming very hard for me to be in my 'now' and just make peace with it and not get pulled by the unnecessary pull of past or future. But I am deeply thankful to this awareness and the skill of typing or journaling that is proving to be a boon for me, in my life. 

I often slip in and out of seeing mom as she is and comparing myself. I see she has a wealth of knowledge gained from her transformation (both mentally & psychically) over the course of her life's journey; whereas, what I have and is all at intellectual levels. I wonder if this makes me less than anyone for any reasons?..at various aspects of my being. 

My heart is heavy and eyes loaded with streams of tears to find their way out but I lay down with the excuse of an afternoon nap and shut my eyes close. 💔🫂