An Audit of the Heart - A promotion I was really seeking

There, I thought I had dried up all my reserves of tears—

Until now; when a situation at work nudged me hard to be courageous enough to sit with my internal dialogues.

I wrote and I questioned.

I answered, and questioned them again—

All to get to the deep-seated 'Why?'
A festering sore.

At the superficial level, I thought I was competing with a colleague in the egoistic race for a promotion...

Only to realize that deep down, I was yearning for the feeling of being deserving—to be an equal with someone who abandoned me, or whom I let go.

I had masked my pain.
Felt as if I had lost face among my own people.

And I kept burying my shy self at work...
a self that felt ashamed to even be loved,
to be accepted,
or to just exist alongside someone.

A self that is deserving of momentum in life.

Deserving of sharing a dream, and building a life together.

✍️

(A relief that I was seeking came as the tears made there way out...like floods)