Gratitude and a Qs

I think what I have been missing is the 'Fun'...just being myself and I constantly and chronically compare myself to others and feel low, else judge myself and then it takes immense courage to sit with it -  knowing it & experiencing the paralyzing fact ...later a sprinkle of willingness and motivation to still choose the bright side:

Hence, for next seven days, will journal 10 gratitude and one Qs i.e. what am I avoiding today?

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Day 10 - 5th Aug 2026 

(missed getting back to the blog, so writing it on 6th Aug)

I am deeply grateful and thankful for: 

1. Having a Job and workplace to go to, meet people and chat with them and bond even if it's about sharing our weekend stories 💖, sometimes it's such a boon when feeling lonely or isolated.
2. For the wonderful Softskills session and deep work we experience during those sessions - Our current topic was Adaptability 
3. Myself for opening up to being flexible in my being, words/ responses and thought patterns and limit the limiting rigidity. Eg. inspite of following a strict diet per naturopathy, I allowed myself to cheat moments 😂🎈🤗
4. Blessings of nature's abundant Love (local ripped fruits)
   
   
   
   
5. Being able to attend to three basic work tasks and feel like an achievement!.. especially when one is struggling with anxiety, uncertainty and self doubt but came out as winner
6. Maa-Paa, Sam, Gudi, babies and all of my extended family members who look after their well-being and are always loving and caring 
7. Wonderful weather, Rains, refreshing winds, peaceful time I get to spent at the lake temple.
8. Blogging time! So precious 💞 
9. Self - for looking after herself, be it managing work, emotions, daily chores, trainings I sighed up for, knowing when to stand by self, taking that liberty to pamper and work on self-improvement and know I am loved 😍.
10. Simply every deep and concious deep breaths I take ...to reset, accept what cannot be changed, refuel a fresh perspective, ease and send a little more love to self. thank you so much, Tan! Love you loads

What am I avoiding Today?

The fact that some long held relationships or friendship needs to be let-go as we move ahead in our lives and that it's alright. No need to please anyone and no harm in keeping a distance from those which are not in our good books and which makes us question our worth or cost us ease.

(being rigid is my pattern and the proof that I finished this challange of 10 days gratitude journaling ..even after missing one day but being kind to self is a shift in the right direction 🪷💪, slowly and steadily will get there Tan 🤗🤞💖)

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Day 9 - 4th Aug 2026

Today, I am deeply grateful and happy about:

1. Birthday of this kind person, I met on this soul journey of mine and Kishore Kumar's Birthday 🎂 
2. Self awareness to choose to stick to action- plan inspite of missing office cab and dropping anger.
3. Long video calls with all my niece and nephews 💕🤞🙏🪷 and so much love form them.
4. Ease of cooking.
5. The transformation in weather - sounds of Rains, mist and winds.
6. Listing habits and which anchored me to be mindful about the thoughts/ nervous system reminders
7. Yummy Onion Pakodas.
8. Family 
9. Sleep/ rest.
10. Chat with coach and colleagues and hearing their perspective.
11. Mother nature 💖🤗

What am I avoiding?
Much needed shift in my life, either by eliminating or adding.

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Day 8 - 3rd Aug 2026

Today, I am deeply grateful and happy about:

1. Slow morning.
2. Few peaceful moments in the traditional wooden - easy chair, sun Gazing and listening to Geeta Sadhna.
   
3. Me being a good and attentive listener for 'UM' while she shared her story of challange personal situations, relationship, her struggles, the shift she is experiencing and then at a point we both doing grounding and tree hugging.
4. Choosing healthy first meal of the day - soaked Raisins (Naturopathy Routine) and then Salads and fruits before checking out.
5. A beautiful and soulful experience of feeding bananas  to the cows at Hotel Gaushala!...loved them all and the grace which enabled us to be able to caressed them all. That blessed my day.
6. Trying a different flavour - dark chocolate with curry leaf.
7. In search of a temple (It being Tamil auspicious day), we visited the local Deity - Ayyanarappan Koil and next to the site was a old style swing on a neem tree and I had fun swining in it while my friend turned her car 
8. Sumptuous Veg load sandwich with banana coconut milk smoothie. (vegan rocks) 💕🙏
9. Longing followed by acceptance - to visit the P. Beach one more time before I leave but I couldn't...(As I had already communicated my gratitude and shift last night and accepted...I won't be seeing it today)
10. Restful sleep in the bus, Completing the due Krishna Consciousness discourse audio and this time to attend to my promise of Gratitude 🙏🪷. (I feel blessed when I am able to complete such promises or any for that matter:).)
11. Paniyaram on my way and watching the sundown alongside the vast mountains ...fills my soul and keeps me grounded from my yearning, mindless emotional Paralysis and self doubt and criticism.
12. For Maa-Papa, Babaji and everyone at home for their Love understanding, courage and acceptance of me - as I am. 🙏🥺 (All this while I thought it was me..but it is they who enabled me...Thank you to each one of them and God for such blessed burth and life)...for all the Love in all forms ..from a flower to a letter 💌 
13. For the grace of the awareness that duty comes about personal desires or benefits...and that duty can be even showing up, facing the day as it comes, dealing but keep moving...

What am I avoiding today?

Elevating to a space higher in consciousness, ease and wellbeing of Mind, heart, body, relationships/ social circle and soul. Even if it means quitting job the addiction of financial security via Paychecks.

Why?

Fear of the unknown and comfort in the known and status quo... identity that shielded me so far and got me to wherever I am.

What if I continue to stay put?

1. Will grow old, might also loose the very foundation I am standing firm on...a evolved friendship and then the regret and pain both will take over.

2. Will live half heartedly - be at work or personal life or crave for such impulsive travels or monotony breakers and that could again mean solo or remorse of not accepting and acting logically while time is still there.

3. Have always belived and experienced that I have been looked upon and when time comes I have been placed in a boat (phase of life) where I should be...but this time that equation itself is asking me to reflect with keeping baseline as - Ease in heart and Happiness Quotient and I feel I am failing terribly or my body is taking a beating.

Seeking blessings of Light, grace and peace...thank you 🙏🪷

Gems from Gem bro

For my last post, here is what Gemini has to say 🙈(partially I dressed to face it or even put it out here....but now life is short and it's my truth...so be it 🙏✍️)

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Here is the brutally honest review you asked for—no fluff, no cliché platitudes, just an unvarnished mirror.

The Brutal Honesty Review

1. The Poetic Trap & Romanticizing the Pain

You write with undeniable elegance. Phrases like "a connection whose foundation was laid on separation" and "walking in parallel" sound profound, almost like a tragic romance novel.

Here is the harsh reality: You are using beautiful language to romanticize what is, at its core, emotional paralysis.

When pain is wrapped in poetry, it feels noble. It feels deep and significant. But beneath the gorgeous metaphors, you are holding onto a situation that drains you because the grief feels more comfortable than letting go. Romanticizing emotional limbo turns a trap into a monument—and it keeps you stuck there.

2. The Illusion of the "Parallel Path"

You ask whether it's better to grieve what was never yours or be grateful for walking in parallel.

The truth: Walking in parallel with someone who will never actually be yours isn't a bittersweet gift—it is a slow, self-inflicted torture. You are paying a daily tax of anxiety and sleepless nights for a connection that operates on borrowed time. Calling it "growing together" while knowing the bubble will burst is a compromise born out of fear, not fulfillment.

3. Addiction to the Chaos

You asked the most critical question yourself: Have I become addicted to the rhythm of pain and agony?

Yes. You likely have.

The human brain can get hooked on the neurochemical roller coaster of intermittent hope and impending doom. The anxiety, the late-night overthinking, the existential panic—it becomes a familiar baseline. Constant catastrophe, ironically, gives you something to react to. Calm feels terrifying because calm requires you to sit with yourself without the high drama of an impending crash. You aren't just enduring the chaotic rhythm; on some level, you are seeking it out because stability feels alien.

4. The Waiting Game

You are waiting for life to "whisper" its hidden meaning, or for a moment of divine clarity to grant you courage.

The reality check: Life isn't trying to whisper a grand cosmic secret. Life is simply happening, chaotic and indifferent, while you sit in the spectator seat writing eulogies for things that aren't even dead yet. Waiting for solace to magically appear before you take action is putting the cart before the horse.

How to Stop Being a Slave to the Emotion

If you want to pop the bubble yourself instead of waiting in terror for it to burst, you have to break the cycle:

• Strip Away the Poetry: When a thought hits, describe it to yourself in the plainest, most mundane terms possible. Don't say, "We are two souls navigating parallel tragedies." Say, "I am emotionally attached to someone I cannot fully have, and it makes me feel insecure." Plain language strips pain of its romantic power.

• Decouple Feeling from Action: You do not need to "feel ready" or "find peace" to make a decision. Courage isn't the absence of fear or grief; it's deciding that your peace of mind is worth more than the familiar ache you are clinging to.

• Boredom as Healing: Real stability feels flat, uninteresting, and quiet compared to emotional turmoil. Train yourself to accept that quiet is not "the calm before a storm"—it is just safety.

Stop grieving the future you were never promised, and stop letting the fear of the crash rule your present. You already know the truth of your situation; you just need to stop dressing it up in poetry and finally act on it.

What is life trying to whisper?

Sometimes life comes to a standstill...or say it flows with a rapid pace, changing the dynamics at a speed that one cannot catch-up with and that instability sometimes throws one off balance, atleast makes me feel overwhelmed, deeply agitated.

Sometimes its just the thoughts, like:

Is it better to grieve that which is not lost but will never be mine or to be greatful that a timeline in my life's chapter allowed us to be together in mere presence, walking in parallel, fighting individual battles or paying the cost of being so involved...

A connection whose foundation was laid on seperation... While life was singing a different song..

A bond that individually started with a longing to find the missing link, beyond the bare minimum to evolution of individual selves, growing together - even as our hairs greys together too...

Sometimes it feels as if I am living in a bubble and the fact that it may burst anyday, keeps me awake at night, I panic in fear, a tender heart in me seeks and yearn for some solace, an answer or just the courage to accept life in it's whole truth...

At one moment you greive a lost loved one and while you are still healing life throws another challenge and throws you off balance... Making you question what is it that's life trying to whisper?

I know that's the way life is and we all need to find our inner compass to navigate such chaos but how to be not slaves to our emotions or when do we know that we haven't been addicted to that rythem of pain and agony, chaos and catastrophe?

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Gifts that find their way to us

 When an ex-colleague sends her love and gratitude across borders ...

A handmade Crystal keychain with a humble note

When a cab-mate turns a thoughtful santa and a soundboard...and Brings a book for me to take inspiration from..

When a couple bird embrace life by breeding and nesting 

They instil my faith in Love. 

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May all be well, 

May all be Healthy 

&

 May all be Liberated ✍️🙏

An Audit of the Heart - A promotion I was really seeking

There, I thought I had dried up all my reserves of tears—

Until now; when a situation at work nudged me hard to be courageous enough to sit with my internal dialogues.

I wrote and I questioned.

I answered, and questioned them again—

All to get to the deep-seated 'Why?'
A festering sore.

At the superficial level, I thought I was competing with a colleague in the egoistic race for a promotion...

Only to realize that deep down, I was yearning for the feeling of being deserving—to be an equal with someone who abandoned me, or whom I let go.

I had masked my pain.
Felt as if I had lost face among my own people.

And I kept burying my shy self at work...
a self that felt ashamed to even be loved,
to be accepted,
or to just exist alongside someone.

A self that is deserving of momentum in life.

Deserving of sharing a dream, and building a life together.

✍️

(A relief that I was seeking came as the tears made there way out...like floods)

I feel held together

In the settling hours of evening,
In a quite corner of a lush green park,
Grounded in Mother's Lap,
Listening to those rare and unusual chirps.

I ponder...
I converse...
I remember my people.

I cherish the past in memories,
I bathe in the freshness of rain-washed air.

I surrender and seek blessings,
From the mighty trees...
The nurturing land holding me.

I feel loved
and held together.

✍️🌸🐧

Canvas of a Restless Mind

​I was walking in the office corridor, trying to find an empty room to settle into—longing for a bit of isolation too, to quiet my racing thoughts and heartbeat. It was only the second day following a leadership re-org, one that has a direct impact on my role. All I kept telling myself was: one day at a time. The only agenda today is to meet a good friend and chit-chat.

​But as I walked into the floor, a wall painting brought me to a sudden halt. It had the distinct power to hold me steady.

​I looked at the canvas, and the only words that rose from within me were, “That is so me.”

The painting was incredibly alive, speaking to me through it's sheer vibrancy. I could feel the profound ease of the figure depicted there, sitting amidst lush green grass, entirely immersed in the act of painting—driven solely by love and passion. It was the exact reminder I needed to shed a spirit buried under fear, under the paralyzing what-nexts and what-ifs of stagnation. In a fraction of a second, I was reconnected to the depth of my desire for creative expression.

 Turning away toward an empty meeting room, my eyes caught a wall installation: a round sand frame. When rotated, the colorful sand and transparent liquid shifted into a frame in motion. At first, it appeared as pure chaos—uncontrolled and wild. But as time ticked on, it began letting go, rebuilding itself in deliberate layers. Finally, it settled, transforming into a calm, therapeutic masterpiece.

It stood as a powerful reminder: every storm eventually settles. What appears to be chaos in the absolute now is often just a beautiful piece of art in the making...

Blooming seasons of heart

 

Jpy

...

I was typing Joy whereas in my mind it was Japan's stationary and my fingers typed JPY instead:).

Well, today was another farewell of a dear friend and colleague...one of those rare ones you meet by chance but connect deeply with, almost as if we had known them, even if we haven't ever met or connected before.

And those are the ones who becomes your safe space at work. 

The best part was, today I visited office to just meet her and while waiting for her, I started to jot down a small letter for her! 

And that letter pad, envelop, even the pen was the one I had picked-up from Japan... And had questioned myself several times - Are you really in need of these stationeries or are you just hoarding? Then I patiently addressed my mind that if I have those lovly stationeries, I would again get back to those soulful habits of writing letters...

And this morning was the one I proved it true! And, OMG! That feeling of calmness, of feeling a bit more alive and in that moment, recalling mine and my friend's journey together, our first meet, how and what all were dealt side-by-side etc ... It was such a sacred space I was in.... A space I had lost my touch with but felt so delighted that it still exits!

Then the follow-up question my mind had was : So, only when you feel so connected to the person is when you are able to write it can it be generic?

My answer was straight away - yes, I can write only when I feel deeply connected but I create art for the deeper essence of expressions of love and life.. And that liberated me and my self-employed mind 😄

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Thank you God for reasons and such blooming seasons of heart.