FocuslyDeFocused: March 2023

Wednesday, March 29, 2023

How it felt - the inner dialogues

Today while enroute to office, I was reflecting at a lot of things and events that took place in my life and in one or the other way had a lasting impact on me. The Family I was born in, the relationship I share with my parents, the friends I have or had, the fears I developed, the resistance I build as a safety mechanism, the flexibility I denied to feed my belief system and foster it into a reality, Life that I understood and thought as mine, the people I connect at work and growth as a person I encountered, if not during my academics. Towards the tail of my travel, I had a bout of mixed emotions happiness for the life it is and the beauty and variety of it and yet the balancing factor in challenges that it throws at us.... I wiped my tears and got ready to be at work after a distracted two months which in a way bought a lot of discipline in me more so for my emotional wellbeing.

I also wanted to write about a few episodes that still triggers and may be by the way of writing them, I let them be and allow my sanity & peace to stay intact.

1. On that last call I was told - I will never be a botheration in your life.
How it felt (in my heart, to me) : I got what I aimed at and I no longer need you. You are no-where close to my expectations of you or (anyone in that place in my mind and heart). I had had enough to deal with, in my life and you were a good healthy distraction till that time. I tried to contact you but never felt the need to intensify it with the feelings that I expressed before getting you. I had learned the lesson in life - never chase relationships and live my life with no-regrets - One day at a time.

2. On that call with mom...(Where I was so sure that me sharing my life's events (hard ones & Good ones) will give us the platform to grow together emotionally.) - I told her that I suspect hormonal imbalance which is triggered by emotions.
response I got - You have decided not to connect with one person (get married) and as a result you end-up connecting or getting close to many people and get hurt and a imbalance is bound to happen.
How it felt (in my heart, to me) : You are a girl and you should always be reminded of your limits. Anything (not-so-good) happens, it's your fault and no-one else. You din't choose to marry is the root cause of all your problems. You have no-right to be heard, consoled, loved (especially whenever you seek & desire it the most). The more you come to me with you broken pieces, the more I will assure you - I am not emotionally available to you.

P.S. This is in no manner a complaint to or for mom, but just the release of inner dialogues to feel relieved of that pain I carry and allow myself the freedom to love her unconditionally for bringing me up this well.

....Sometimes the deeper wisdom of life hits differently, it chokes and also makes you feel elated at the sametime topped with tears bubbling-up in eyes out of nowhere. It bring-forth the fact of impermanence of life. It prepares one to be more open to acceptance of life's events, people and flow. It also helps us see ourselves as mere beautiful beings capable of making choices - Choices to pause when needed, Choices to get-up and live again, to dream, to forgive and love more, to know that life can be created at any moment as the consciousness arrises and that your truth is purely yours and no-one's else to know or understand.

I feel deeply grateful for this time to be able to jot-down my feelings and thoughts. And I love. 💖

Monday, March 27, 2023

How little did I know of my body & it's way of communicating to me

Considering this is my safe space and to heal by the way of writing, I can let a piece of my heart (My feelings, my pains, my fears etc) out here.

Currently I am in a limbo with a certain condition that is recurring in my body. To be precise it all started closer to 3rd feb and is going-on till date (27th March). My body released a lot of blood...I don't know if it was impure or pure but it continued. The initial days were ok with me expecting my cycle (women's monthly cycle) but the episode never stopped, Body continued to go on and on and on. Endless visits to the washroom, seeing the pot filled with red fluid creates a mental trauma. Especially the mind finds it easier to connect it to some horrifying cooked-up story even though diagnosis is in process.

This lead me to find a Gyno for myself and she gave me a list of many scans, tests etc to be done. Which I did to found few new things happening internally and that my Hb was low. I was put on few english meds which I have a massive mental aversion to but I took as it was needed for survival. My other GP had initially asked for a Scan and later suggested a few meds and if post meds the symptoms persist, I should get a D&C done. But later she sensed (as a healer too) that it's all good and nothing to worry. During one of my consultations, she also suggested that I do an ancestral healing as something seems to be there from my past. A lot took place within this time or upto this date. I learned about my body in ways I had never known. As the impact area is Uterus, I wondered how I knowingly ignored my being as a women and for women - change is the only constant. I took refuge or found solace in just avoiding or seeing them in light of horror than as the possibilities they were. My deep rooted fears surfaced and reaffirmed my beliefs. I din't know what to do how to console myself. I only knew to run away or avoid as a language to find peace....of mind and heart.

But underneath this all, my body suffered....silently, never-ever complaining just walking along and enabling me. I wonder if I even deserve that deep affection it portrayed for my soul.

I learned about womb, about how in shamanic culture - Mother-earth, womb, water and moon are all connected. I meditated to seek blessings and to allow healing. I consciously meditated to allow release all promises, I would have made to my ancestors - knowingly or unknowingly and which may now need a release.

It also surprised me how completely my focus has been pulled-in by the very organ of this wonderful body I neglected or had completely no awareness about. How I am reborn with new light and understanding, the fears dissolving with acceptance and willingness to allow and unfold as life desires it for me.

I also want to acknowledge that days had become so depressed and low, I wept and lay in bed for days...I consulted a therapist to know more about myself as I felt a weird pause in my life. A void. A deep quite hollow. And only with the help of that one friend and light which held my hand, made numerous Dr. visits, searched Dr. for me, kept aside his own pain or conditions to assure me that all is well and all will be fine. I cannot imagine me being alive in these last few months without his comforting presence, understanding heart to hear me out always, to be un-biased about anything I behave or be like, to show me that love exist and that I am good and all is well. I tear-up as I write this...there is a wave of deep emotions of gratitude and also a bit of doubt which asks what did I do to deserve this love and consideration.

How my world exists outside the world I am born around and I am now choking and cannot do justice to the emotions I am feeling so I will pause here.

My prayer is and will always be that - May everyone know, believe and have that someone - to love them unconditionally, to be their light in tough times, to be their voice in times that choke, to be a mind and heart that believe in miracles, to be a hand that comforts you in the warm embrace and say all is well and everything will be all-right. 💖💖