काश इस जीवन मे एक साथ 'अपना' सा भी होता...
कोई लेन देन नहीं, बस साथ होता!
हाथों में 'एक दोस्ती' कि सौगात सा होता।
हस्ती गुदगुदाती ज़िंदगी का वो एक एहसास होता
काश इस जीवन मे एक साथ अपना सा भी होता...
वक़्त बीता, समय का पहियाँ बदला...
जो हाथ थे साथ, ज़िंदगी के हर फेरबदल में...
उनमें से हमारा साथ फिसला,
काश इस जीवन मे एक साथ अपना सा भी होता...
The Shower pouring over my head felt like passage of time ...
That continues to flow-
Touching...
Washing me off...
And taking it all along, leaving 'me' behind...
The beads of my anklet,
scattered on the wet floor,
Laid still!
I knelt down in disbelief..
Under the same pouring water over my head...
(.... remember? I said - 'the passage of time')
Picked one bead at a time,
Looked closely at the string of that anklet... if anything was impaired?
but no;
Something within me had!, for sure.
It all resembled me
The aches of broken and shattered heart.
When I picked them up ...not knowing what else could I do...
No tears, no loud cry...
Only me, my thoughts underneath the flowing water...
(Date: 28 July 2022.
While cleaning the notes and reminders, on Japan airlines....I remembered the Japanese Principal -Mottainai, which is usually associated with Food but I connected it to this piece of writing that came from my core and I wanted to give this it's due respect and place on this blog. たん、大好き(Tan, Daisuki) 💕🤗
Started on 5th May n returning back on 5th June...
The whole thing was planned as a possible break from the consuming identity of work life, getting to spend more time adjusting to home environment and family... Just in case I decide to quit.
How weird it is when quitting appears easy and doable but it is also the only escape available and known and pays!! A world of economics ;)
A month passed by in time spent with nephew, niece, a few naturopathy routine, home made food, mangoes from farm and local harvest, a bit of hair care, work from home, visiting Naani's house and the highlight was - train travel to Rajasthan for paying out visit to our family Deity Osiyanji (Sacchiyay Mata) and also stay over at Shree Nakoda Ji.
Over all it was the best time and best part was the stay at Nakoda ji with luxury stays, wonderful food and hills all around! exactly the place I was yearning for and take family along. The way it all came true was magical!
Then came the last day of my stay and there was a weird outburst of anger and disagreement and resentment etc...and I lost control both on my words, emotions and feelings...
In my numbness, extreme resentment, rage, I left all that she had packed for me and left home with the promise that I will never ever visit it for this long ...ever again and that it was waste of my efforts and time. I even told her that she is spoiling her own life due to comparison she is building in every area of her life and relationships and that it's damaging her!
I overlooked mom's knee pain. I told Dad enough is enough—that I am tired, that I have given up on trying to fix this mother-daughter relationship.
My eyes get teary as I write this. I wonder, are these crocodile tears? Perhaps being deeply self-critical has become my second nature; after all, we all need an addiction, right? I wasn't even surprised to find myself numb to the pain of someone I thought I loved deeply.
I wanted to write this the moment it happened, but I was suffocating. I was puzzling through the grief. What exactly am I mourning? Is it time passing? Is it leaving home for nowhere to go but a job that successfully destroyed my remaining emotional attachments? Is it the comparisons I fall prey to in social situations? Or is it the misalignment between who I am, and who the world—and my mother—thinks I should be?
Well, whatever...this is the life I have and I am suppose to live and so be it, will see how far I can go with dreams and ease...and a reminder to make my cells feel alive and worthy...
One deep breath at a time!
One moment of reparenting at a time.
One moment of raw confrontation with self and acceptance.
One event of letting go and being.
--
And I write this from Mitti! My new found home...
~a nomad Me!
--
