This morning I reached Bangalore from Kochi, after attending the dream kochi biennale 2022. Though I am extremely grateful and satisfied that I followed my heart's calling and booked myself on a flight to Kochi....but the way I departed with my family still has a deep wound in my heart and I sense a deep hollowness. I carry a burden in my heart and I feel I am not worthy of forgiveness. I have been trying to make sense of all the recent events of my life, the feelings and emotions I am experiencing and the inner dialogues I am constantly engaged in. Feels as if I am in a war zone and trying hard to bypass the reality or say I am so messed in my mind that I clearly do not know what is Reality - one that I feel, yearn and feel belonged to or one where I just fit by virtue of being alive, born in a certain family...among certain people....following certain traditions or customs?
Overnight bus journey from Kochi-Bangalore was tiring as I could barely sleep. (Bus was hybrid with options to choose from a sleeper or a semi-sleeper seat and I had mistakenly booked a seat :/ and bus was fully booked to even be able to upgrade)
Post lunch, I decided to take a nap but constant mental chatter wasn't supporting and the highlighted topics were of that of my breakfast meeting with my Friend, Mom and my relationship and the emotional availability or un-availability, the insecurities in a relationship, the pattern of damaged friendships or my relations...including one with myself....the boulder sized ego, the hollowness, emptiness, cluelessness...the unanswered questions that comes along with growing-up...few tears, struggled deep breaths, a desire to attend to myself on this last day of Yr. 2022. With all that a subtle thought to listen to a podcast which I had labeled as watch-later directed me to : Episode 37 : healing the mother wound. While listening to it I kind of slipped in sleep trans and woke-up to something that was resonating with my reality and I was struggling to find words to name that feeling, the inner battle and acceptance that it happens and then be able to find ways to deal and be less self critical about it. And the title of this post is also from that YT post. A theme that I carried in my life was to stay quite or ignore whatever I felt was harsh as a reality of life and paint the picture good will resolve the underlying issues but I was so wrong and din't see the damage I caused to my-own self and later when everything gets out of control, I rush and panic or behave in a way that I never knew excited. Such episodes also added to low self-esteem, self-doubts, self-criticism a cowardliness to be able to voice ones opinion or thoughts and if at all I did the next moment I will start to judge myself and feel utterly terrible about myself. I developed bottled-up anger and fear as I grew-up in a environment where I was expected to be a good girl... one who obeys, respects, is kind, is shy and some behavioural patterns became a part of me as it all got a Seal of societal acceptance.
More than celebrating 31st eve, It was a matter of utmost importance that I take time to jot these feelings and allow my system to feel less burdened and be able to breath. As I write this, I also wonder where is it all surfacing from where is the root cause to it all and how this all has defined a certain pattern in my life and beliefs with regards to relationships, the moral sense of it, the how or if I fit into it.
And to me the only answer that comes is the relationship with my mother. In no way or manner I am disregarding her love or care that I received from my mum but something was amiss and from early in my life I struggled to fit in her definition of a obedient and loving child. I became rebellious and started to run away from all that was pre-defined. Same thing happened when I visited home during year-end two weeks work break and I had a lot of hopes of having a great time with friends (my neighbours) who joined me, nephews and new born niece, Sis, uncle & aunts. I wanted to forget another world that I know off...anyone outside of this set of people and place I call home but I was under the surveillance of mom from what I eat to dress to when I bath, wherever I go...everything has to be pre-decided and I started to feel suffocated. I felt as if I am on a display and a piece of entertainer with extended families and visitors...I needed some me time and wondered if that is something I am not entitled to as I never married, do not have a husband to be locked in a room with....I started to feel venomous as a certain other events (not so good ones) of life started to surface. And then came a moment when I wake-up and felt everything and everyone around me is plasticky its only me fooling myself of a place and few people I had known as home but I have long ago lost them and I have lost myself too as I try to find a balance and understanding of which direction I want to lead or what I want out of my life but it doesn't come easy. It churns the buried emotions, insecurities, vulnerabilities and the vacuum that I created for myself.
Wiping the tears off and assuring myself that I am on my-own-side... irrespective of the world - which always felt as the opponent. But I shall survive with the wounded soul, lost path but only a willingness to trust life and be one with it ...in all that it brought to me....
Whenever I win the battle of procrastination vs attending to a Calling..I love myself a bit more. Today it's about returning to my blog page.
Initial days of 'My blogging journey' (consider it as a term to identify an activity) started with the curiosity and excitement about something amazing - 'A blog Page' which is openly available to the masses to write, read, share, network, just document or have a place so sacred and close to ones heart and it helps one to live more authentic life than that for the outside world.
Last few months I engaged a lot in reflection time checking my thoughts, emotions, desires, beliefs etc. a urge was constantly being fed with evolving clarity about a certain patternsand to simplify them and pause to understand the deeper essence of those in my life. With patterns, I also realise that I have revisited a few episodes of my life a number of times, felt remorse with a deep churning in my gut whereas there were days I understood them in different light and was amazed at how I have the ability to distance myself or detach from associating the self with those events rather take them at face value...which is easier said, than done.
Such visits and reflection also motivated me to associate the spiritual angle to attend the discomfort I have been feeling and see it thru the lens of lessons that I called-upon to enhance my growth as a individual in this life-time, to know that Universe was indeed listening and preparing to deliver the long forgotten childhood fantasies that I would have manifested without ever being bothered about the results.
At days I wonder why the painful memories are the only ones that calls for a revisit....is it that I am addicted to pain? or I have accepted it as a belief for myself? And some days I wonder if Vipassana will help me release the heaviness associated with those painful memories or if writing can bury that pain ....and on a contrary note I do wonder if I will loose a sense of purpose if I do not feel the pain.... meaning if I ever deserve happiness or is it fake. Who am I, what is my identity outside work.....
Courage and love together feels paradoxical...or at-least to me as I always believed Love is effortless...it is a flow. But the more one starts to encounter the unfolding life's events, the more one can relate. The price one pays, The wretched in which one participates...the confusions that fogs the mind and bury the basic power to think, feel, hear or sense.
Recently I watched a video clip where an old lady said something so profound about LoveStory & LifeStory. She calls that it could be possible you love someone but cannot have a life with them and have a life with someone but a mutual understanding keeps the two going and one should be so clear in deciding what one wants - A LoveStory or a Story of Life built together.
Amidst all the echos, there beats a heart which bleeds and swallows the aftermath - one of the choices the other makes, the path they choose to walk, following the constant urge to fit-in, to find a meaning, to be with a purpose - Purely with a faith in heart not knowing the right or wrong.
Behind the stage, that's the courage that walks along; without judgments...with a hearth shining the light of a morning sun purely for the other to bloom in love, to breath in peace and to fly in confidence. ๐ค๐๐ค
I sat down to journal about the core need of being in the moment, with all will and grit practicing it in each possible thought, behaviour, action or being.
Everything feel like weight-bearing as soon as it gets associated to 'Mine' - 'My Time, My Life, My work, My Art, My appreciation, My Feelings, My Expressions, My Music, My Poetry, My people, My hurts etc. And how mind plays the prominence in it all.
In this journey of mindfulness, the biggest struggle I face is that of Mind and Mine. The Mind fools me to believe about the separate identity of this living being among the constellation of many others around or somewhere in the universe. That identity creates a sense of power, ego, separatisms but at times fuels some exclusivity too. I always long for that exclusivity in the expression of my life.
What pulled me to practice Mindfulness?. For some-reason this past week, I had been feeling emotionally chaotic. With events or emotions directly or incidentally hitting me high. Also, somewhere I was blessed to be reading the 'No Mud No Lotus' and that also kept me sane and guided me in ways I couldn’t have imagined. To shut the chatter, I always wanted to keep myself busy, engaged with something or the other, either read, get busy cleaning home, arranging the mess around or pre-plan a lot of things in the day so that mind always has something to linger on to. so that I do not blame myself to the 'perceived' knowledge of 'wasting time'...
Today when the calling - to be at ease, to hear myself, to meditate was too intense I allowed myself to learn to go with the flow. It instantly felt Peaceful. In a way I released my cows - that of control, that of someone else's perception of experiencing life. As I am writing this I experience a new depth of this inner dimension, of that of acceptance of self - in ease or turmoil, in hurt or pain, in glory or joy, in peace or Bliss. It is initially hard, very hard to see oneself in a different light.. stepping into uncomfortable zone
This morning, I wokeup and went straight to the terrace with a book (No mud No Lotus) and an intention to finish reading the last few pages.
But was successful in reading only a few of those 'few pages' and after a while - my head naturally turned up and I noticed a beautiful pattern of clouds immerged in the sky and each stroke of that pattern had a gradient of grey on one extreme to that of rising suns colors (soft yellow, pink, peach etc). It was mesmerizing.
When I was slowly tilting my head, At the horizon...from behind the tall trees, a beam of light blocked my vision and I knew who is playing with me :)....I instantly had a smile on my face....It's the Sun and I said to it...I love you.
Though the sun shone brightly and softly, the subtle pinch of early winter wind was evident. I had this instant urge to have a ginger tea and rusk dipped in it. I rushed to to kitchen and prepared my tea.
With hot tea and snacks, I in my Balcony. Sipping my tea, staring at the beautiful sky, letting numerous thoughts cross my mind and amidst all these I spot three white Median Egrets; peacefully moving in a formation of an arrow head. For some reason their presence always reminded me of deep felt love and I had tears in my eyes. I thanked them for always being there and reminding me that I am loved.
A gentle cold breeze and steaming tea brought me back :)
With the first word that I typed, my mind threw this doubt - really? Are you sitting to write about your Diwali? Then why particularly this one? you have had so many in the past.. much brighter ones, One with family/ friends around .....have you gone silly?
Well..the above lines just to acknowledge my mind's initial contribution and make peace with it.
Now the dilemma -do I begin with 'why this Diwali?' or what all this Diwali?.I choose the latter.
Started my day with a heartfelt bow to the rising Sun. I woke-up this morning with a very un-cheerful mood as if something/ someone was totally dead in me or my life. Consciously deciding not to let this drab feeling take-over, I decided to meditate (vipassana) for 15mins and that was the turning point of my day! Right before I planned to open my eyes, at the completion of guided meditation...I felt a warmth on my forehead, It made me feel as if I was being guided or directed towards an inward journey and the spotlight was on me. I felt more aware and calm. The bright light panned from forehead and slowly spread across and lit the whole face ...and I smilingly opened my eyes.
The calmness that followed gave me willingness to keep going. I decided to follow my long pending calling to cook Roti's, apply ghee + Jaggery and feed the cows at a Goushala. I got ready, choose a beautiful salwar-suit (a gift from mom) and decided to start preparations and also dial-up home to seek everyone's blessings at home and wish them a graceful Dipawali. While preparing the dough, mistakenly I added extra water and to fix that I had to add a bit more wheat flour but a voice in heart said God wants you to feed more and more cows...I felt so extremely grateful and elated. I had few calls from cousin, nephews and all elderly at home and I felt so grateful about all of their presence in my life.
Then owner uncle visited and wanted to fix the decorative lights for Diwali eve and wanted my help. But I offered him a string light (gifted by a friend) and one electric extension box....rest I left in the hands of a genius electrical engineer. I always wondered how much he loves his wife and this is expressed in thousand ways in which he try to keep her healthy, feel loved, honoured and his whole being revolves around her. He is selflessly tireless in his pursuits as a loving husband and without a second thought I can say....he is a living God. Salute to that timeless Love of Uncle-Aunty.
After packing Roti's, I booked an auto, quickly finish my breakfast and started off to the "Khatu Shyaam Temple". The ride took me back in my mind and a lot of thoughts started to pour. On my way, I saw a flower vendor with heaps of vibrantly blooming orange and yellow marigold flowers ...one that cannot be missed. It was almost instantly that I asked the auto driver to stop as I wanted to purchase some flowers and he happily obliged. I also realised that those flowers also reminded me of Diwali at home. In the time of distances, one experiences their own identities thru these bits of gestures, rituals and traditions and I was no different. I took a mix of both varieties and started again. The route was same as that which lead to the apartment where a couple friend lived and who recently relocated to Delhi. I missed them and informed them about my visit to the temple as they had introduced me to this temple. They felt happy as they too were still adjusting with the change of place. After a while we were close to the temple lane and seeing an elderly man waving at my auto, I requested the driver to stop & got-off only to realise that the temple was still at a good ~ 4kms walk. Well I accepted this bitter reality and continued to walk with flowers in one hand and my bag with a book, roti box and purse in another.
I reached the temple exactly 45mins earlier than it's closing time (1:15pm IST). The main entrance leads to a long passage with a wide opening that eventually leads to a staircases that opens into the temple. As I entered the gate, I saw an old lady sitting at the side platform with a small hanky laid open next to her and had a few coins and some cash on it. I walked past but then returned to offer her a small token from myside too and then proceeded. I reached the temple hall upstairs, only to see that the main deity is covered in a blue silk clot veil with red and gold checkered embroidery and for a micro second i doubted myself if I missed seeing the deity as may be I reached too late...but when I saw around me a few families were still there and something about their gestures told me we all are waiting :). So I stepped-in closer to the main sanctum sanctorum and sat and soon I hear a song - Jahan Biraje Radha Rani (wherever sits Radha Rani...) I was astonished and couldn't belive my ears and eyes at the timing. Every passing moment started to feel magical. Soon in about a few other priest walked-in and the elderly one looked at me and smilingly asked if all is well ...and I was even more lost and nodded. Then he asked the younger priest to start the chants and slowly un-veil Khatu Shyaamji's deity for Darshan. Fresh marigold garlands and jewels covered the Deity and the sight was so overwhelming and mesmerising at the same time. I wanted to just stay there and continue to look at the deity. The priest also called me to take aarti (lit lamps offered up to gods) and then he blessed me using a bundle of Peacock feather tied together. I felt more and more blessed. I then shared with him that I am carrying some roti's for cows and he asked me to makesure that I feed the cows with my own hand and not throw or leave the offerings on floor. I thanked him for his guidance and advice. As I was about to leave the premise, he asked me to hold my veil such that I can accept the flowers and fruits in my lap. He filled my veil with a handful of roses, Banana and a box with some sweets.๐น
I left the premise still in disbelief of what all just happened but my spirits were uplifted. I then walked towards Goushala which was next to the temple building. I entered the the space and took a walk around to see the cows and calfs either munching or sleeping or standing and also giving me a stare :D. My heart pulled me towards a black cow and I offered her the first roti but she din't open her mouth and my heart synced with self doubt...may be I din't make roti's with pure heart etc. then I saw a new born calf next to it with a beautiful reddish brown skin with white hairs and offered the same rolled roti with Ghee and jaggery to it and inspite of being such cute little baby...she grabbed it and with all her intelligence to chew....took away the whole piece from my had. Its acceptance melted me and brought tears to my eyes. The way it was licking my hands touched my heart and dissolved all the heaviness in it. I can't express how delighted I felt. ๐. I spent a few mins, offered some donations in the name of Osiyaji mata and left for home.
I ate a roasted corn on the way, saw a good crowd being pulled towards the same lane as it connects to the Biological Bannerghatta park. I then took another auto and reached near home and headed to the market walking and seeing all the festive cheer around me. I constantly experienced how something - a supreme energy is keeping me afloat, giving me reasons to smile and be when I felt I have none. I then felt a strong urge to decorate house entrance and also lit earthen oil lamps for Diwali eve. I finished the necessary shopping, got home with deep satisfaction about following the urge and guidance.
Eventually the evening turned-out to be full of happiness with Mom and Badi maa on call, Uncle & aunty on my floor to see the decoration and a lot of happy pictures. The selfless celebrations made my day and at night I had a call with my friends at Delhi and later I slept with a peaceful ๐ .
No-one ever told me that I can never be home ever again...
No matter how much I try to fit in
No matter how much I try to stick my plans of holidays around only home visits...Or even dare to make them
Just to be able to sneek a bit of time!
Time from and with ones I grew-up among.
Never ever anyone told me to be prepared- that I would leave even more wounded than ever...
Wounded from what?
Emotions of those whom I had know as mine...dearly mine but they failed to accept or even acknowledge.
I hold no grudge because I know they aren't sorted within and trying to find their own answers but in the whole game I became the one targetted. One who isn't enough for them or they fear that the acknowledgement may trodd me off my path.
No-one ever told how hollow it would feel...how engulfing the emptiness will be and how it all would appear as if I am fighting against nothingness....
All the nok jhok with mom and now when it's time to go... everything...every emotion or state of Joy, Pain, puzzled thoughts or behaviours, questions that appeared but never were answered ...all now appears so crystal clear under the light of impermanence.
Helps me humbly detached from that of ego, that of 'mine', that of I believed I belong to or seek....
Also it brings into perspective the self imposed unease, doubt, challange to accept.....
Yet, I know there is a long way to go....and Far I have to go.
News of the day - Today (19th Sep 2022) marks the official registry of ten acres of land that Papa had worked so hard to purchase and get all the due documentations corrected.
-- ๐ gratitude ๐--
Now, jumping straight to attend the unruly desire to pour out the truth of my deepest feelings, cobweb of emotions, my struggle to stay sane without attending to this time & to write! But first, let me first take a deep breath to muster all the courage to allow myself to be able to tap into the raw & deepest truth of this being I know as - me.
I will only take into account the day - Today; a continuation from that of yesterday as I suffered from terrible & unbearable pulsating headache all thru the night and only could take a nap between 4:15 - 6am, The headache was triggered possibly due to heavy home made marwadi meals on day 2 of my arrival to my hometown. Not that I am not used to of it...but I din't get time to get adjusted to it all... that sudden! Moreover the 24hrs of train journey had disturbed my bowel functioning (the horrifying and brain fogging Bio-toilet smell, to be precise). And on top of it all Mom won't want to understand my request to give me sometime to settle rather she wanted to invite a few guests and as usual, I couldn't keep away from over exerting myself. It all got paid well as a - wonderful sleepless night with frequent washroom visits, all failed attempt to ease off by creeping into the hall, trying Vipassana & a bit of head massage to release the accumulated pain or gas.
And today was the day of site/ land registration with additional 2.5 acres of that of 10 acres which was supposed to take place in a nearby town/ village - Punasa; for which my brother was to drive us (Mom, me and the Lawyer) to the registrar office. All thru the time from that of the day I started from Bangalore till I met the old lady (one among seller's family) I felt almost dead about this additional 2.5 acres, rather was seeing it only from a perspective of greed than from that of logic.....something within me was too detached and apprehensive about this whole deal. But from the beginning, Papa's dream was that of whole piece of this triangular land and it made sense to have it all to be able to better develop it.
Yesterday the sellers (family) travelled to my hometown, stopped at our home for a night tea and some legal formalities and then headed to our ancestral village - Beed. This gave me the opportunity to meet that oldest of them - a cute Dadi (Granny) of ~80+ yrs with beautiful glowing skin, round face, purple berry coloured pout lips and cute hazy eyes, she struggled with walking and hence I approached her, touched her feat for which she hesitated and resisted, saying in our family - Girls never bow down and touch elders feet, rather elders seek blessings. She held my palms & wrists to support her climbing-up the two steps at the entrance door. Just this small interaction with her melted something in my heart...may be my ego, resistance and I sailed thru this whole journey. I felt blessed to have someone like my Dadi around us. And as I am writing this, I feel a lump in my throat and I am struggling to hold back my tears...more than my Dadi's presence, I miss someone who knew me inside out, who assured me I am enough, who could be my strength, my wisdom and my hearts voice when words failed and eye desperately seeks, and around that one I can find the solace my soul yearned.
Since, it was a working day for me, I couldn't sleep again. I took hot water bath, got ready and headed for breakfast. In the kitchen mom asked if I brushed my teeth (as I had skipped it the previous day, purposefully to break routine) and this question of hers irked me and I frowned and that was it for my mom to retort me with words that tore me apart, made me feel more dejected...I then chose to focus on my breath and practice a bit of learning from Sis. Shivani - to take charge of your wellbeing and bless the other person with love and light. It helped me calm down but it was the most difficult part of my day..to start with. This event made me question myself where do I belong, if I am even needed anywhere...if not for office. The hurt surfaced as soon as I got distracted from focusing on my breath and I felt a strong heaviness in my chest and the sleeplessness added to the uneasiness.
Somehow, I could direct my emotions to deliver at work and kept myself busy with it and later saw that things appeared to be normal between me and mom but that wall between us had been painted again for the sake ....she bought a comb to put a plait to my damp hairs before we start our commute. I din't enjoy but existed in that moment, questioning even more deeply that I have everything I would have needed yet I feel a terrible void or uselessness or struggle to find meaning or purpose of my being on this earth.
Around 11:15 am we started from home, till this time we weren't even sure if we would be getting the appointment today as the server was down. The drive was good with a lot of interaction with the lawyer (one who happens to be jain and an old acquaintance) which gave deeper clarity towards how the different land ACT are in force, a few funny incidents from his childhood as he knew one of my elder sister etc.
A quick look at the events from that of at Registrar's office where we spent ~5Hrs. I again got to spend sometime with that old cute Dadi and enjoyed listening to her and noticing those glittering eyes and childlike enthusiasm as we were waiting for our turn and others were in one of the cabin of that govt. facility. I started to feel hungry and feared that I might develop headache again due to empty stomach and was trying to hunt for some bananas or anything that is easy on digestive system and can fill my stomach but we couldn't get anything and also all were too focused to get the documentation done as there were few ground level challenges with selling parties (two families of total 22 members). To our surprise, the people who work with papa at Beed had sent a small tiffin with 7-8 Parathas, potato sabzi and pickle. That was a blessing sent from above and my heart couldn't thank God enough for looking after us all thru his people and such generous hearts. Me, Dadi, Mom, Brother and one of the guy from seller side all shared that one small meal and it was enough for us to sustain till a few hours. My spirits were lifted and heart filled. I was then called into the SB's cabin for the usual digital records and was required to attest a few legal docs and confirm that I am the interested buyer along with mom. I noticed a small sparrow nest in that cabin with the parent birdies flying in and out with ease and cleverness to skip from the operating celling fan and to get food for the new borns. Plus, I also saw a rectangular frame on the wall with the Ariel picture of Omkareshwar temple which was surrounded by Narmadariver and how different god and goddesses were showering their blessings from the sky in it. This somewhere put my heart even more at ease.
Later me and mom were waiting in the lobby - me with office emails on phone and reading few lines of a new book in-between. We shared a small chocolate flavoured 5Rs mini tea with 5Rs biscuit ....to be honest that purchase was something to satisfy my soul as it finds it so amusing how those tiny amounts carry so much value just by purely being in that moment of need. And the vendor was also persistent. During one of my conversations, I nudged the topic of getting the house in hometown painted if the labours who are commissioned for the painting work in one of my Aunt's room does a good job....to this, mom replied in her taunting tone of that ' a castle is in the making...huh' your dad is useless and can't takecare of important things rather his only focus is in the house parties by calling all his friends and co-workers....this note was gut-wrenching and I struggle to keep in check the emotions of hate-redness but I felt pity for her loss to acknowledge her 'present moment' - which she isn't able to open-up to nor cherish all that Papa is doing for her and it breaks my heart that how hard it must be for Papa to be able to get one word of appreciation for all that he has put his energies into till this date....keeping aside his troubling knee, all that mom says and emotional let downs he suffered due to her sharp tongue.
The final event at this office was with that of my last required signature at one of the digital doc., taking the attested copy of land registry and walking out with beaming faces of Papa and that lawyer for the job successfully done and congratulations being conveyed. Brother shared with me that we had to pay extra to the SB to get this processed and I said thats ok, compared to the value of right documentation.
We then handed-over a cheque to one of the seller party as a closure to the deal and drove towards beed for late lunch. Halfway thru, we get a call from my brother who had already reached Beed that the cheque we handed is swapped and will have to go back to handover the right one.....we had no choice and took a U-turn. We did laugh at this eventful day and what all can happen and after a 15mins detour headed back to Beed.
We were all hungry as wolf and as soon as we reached Beed, we realised that lunch preparations had just started as Papa missed hinting them about our arrival and it was a mad rush in kitchen and mom aware of my hunger and headache from last night, frowned at Papa that he is useless etc. And unfortunately at that time my brother got a call from my aunt at home who wanted to check if she should keep our dinner ready for which he came to handover the phone to mom and listening to mom's rant about Dad's habit of forgetfulness he scolded mom that it was not just one work and she need not blame him all the time and said he doesn't want to eat that food which she is so much making a scene for....he left the place in anger and it again took me back to the guilt of me being there creating all the mess knowingly or unknowingly.
But at-least this made my mom calm-down a bit and may be deep inside her heart, she felt bad about her attitude towards Dad. All this made me question Love...the struggles of a Love overgrown.. and where one is so clouded to take decisions considering the time factored, where Anger and agony of the past is not healed with that blocked love, where honesty is paying a hefty price of that of dejection and respect had died or buried in the utter senselessness of a competition, ownerships and rights on ones own offsprings.
After an hour or so, we (Mom, Me, Lawyer & brother) drove back home with Papa staying back and attending the seller party who have an extended stay for a day. Brother was burning the rubber...the blow of air made the lawyer (seated in the front) sleep during the drive, I started to pay attention on my feelings and thoughts, I felt so thrashed emotionally that I started to behave so unlike me and was laughing at turnout of events today and then the sudden realisation hit me that I actually could breath a bit of lightness durning this nano-seconds.
At the end, as I complete this post, all I ask myself is there happiness anywhere? Am I happy? what is it all for...One day even I will leave this place and currently I too find myself in same state as that of mom - disillusioned. Will I ever be able to help mom feel connected to her once again?...will her struggle within find peace before it is too late?...
I don't have answers for any of the above. But I am grateful for the time and willingness to be back her....so strongly that nothing else mattered.
Takecare Tanu, love you! we are in this together. ๐
......as I return to bed in hope to retire for the day...the emptiness in my heart surfaced many other pressing events, challenging situations of certain connections, the fears, the agony it may or may not bring and I asked my heart....if it is my truth or has my belief in love shaken a bit. I felt peace in the knowledge that I still trust and believe in the power of love...pure love & respect.
It's been too long, away from my blog. My safe space to be <3 and I couldn't resist this urge to think about what all I can document ....and it grew more and more in the last three days.
While surfing the waves of thoughts from that of things that hurt, words that create discomforts, some small wins at work, experiencing tiny episodes of being in the moment, I pinned on 'Fridays'; on a Friday :)
Friday's has some charm about them and I am trying to decode that feeling. This charm has grown in the past two years; thanks to the lockdowns and work from home which collectively assured - 4 days are just perfect to immerse in work(willingly or unwillingly..ha ha).
I was taking stock of how am I feeling on this Friday and I noticed, I am effortlessly my usual self, happy and bubbly, A bit more confident while speaking in public forums (virtually). Usually in the past few instances, I panic if I have to do public speaking and after challenging myself beyond what I could take, I experience slight bleeding and muscle cramps etc (a horrifying self-imposed torture).
Also noticed, I do not experience that bottled or chocked feeling in my chest nor do I had any palpitations and I am able to breath deep, my heart is smiling. I am more accepting of life.
With this thoughts I went to the terrace and experienced bright blue sky with bundles of pearl clouds scattered.....all resonated the happiness.
I was more attentive of my surroundings and thanked the tallest tree around me for being there, welcoming and hosting so many beautiful birds for me, growing so tall in all these years and being my constant in all weathers.
Not just this, I also found a lovely track(Xavier Rudd - Stoney Creek (Official Music Video) and after a long time it felt like music to the soul and even the video took me back to one of my dreams, to learn skateboarding <3. Some day I will.....
I am willing and excited to take baby steps to reform ...bring a new introduction to myself, allow myself to be a more explorative soul and being. I learned - One can love and can still walk away. The ease in my body made me hear myself more - learned I don't know how to distinguish between good or bad 'In love' and I willingly flow with what is my 'now'.
I noticed that at times I want to do so many things, from travel to painting, to listening to dancing, to run, to walk, to cook and to experience and in that rush I forget about the most important thing - the ease & Effortlessness of life. Of forgiving myself for not being on myown side, my own cheerleader :)
Nevertheless, Coming back to the decoding part...I really don't know what are the contributing factors to this Friday-charm, but somewhere I know it is all with the pschycological balance at work and life. And now one thing I want to do is create such "Charming Friday Moments" in my everyday.
Q. How do I plan to do so?
A. Creating cal. blocks of - Dolce far niente. An italian saying & a soul-expanding celebration of doing nothing <3. Just writing about it makes me feel super excited.
B. Make a note and drop habits that aren't helping me in creating this ease for myself.
Eg. Signing-up for too many things at work. Feeling guilty of having fun at work or even outside work
C. Cultivate the understanding of Less is more. Be it life, Dreams or Passions.
Thanks all to my urge. I am hungry now and waiting for a cake that I odered.
I am writing this from my hometown and was about to wrap-up for the day and head to bed.
A thought crossed my mind...why is it that I feel terrible emptiness inspite of being home I feel hollow. There is always a longing....a deep strong longing for a place/ feeling or moments called home.
Even though I am blessed and born in a wonderful family, I feel I do not belong. I continue to seek a time when I am so immersed in living each moment with such grace and solitude as if life is a canvas and I am a painting. A free expression! - Unharmed, unalarmed and flowing effortlessly.
This very thought of emptiness pinched me...my breath spoke louder than my emotion and tears were born. I returned home. Heart felt alive, I could breath deep and light. It all felt surreal but was indeed true.
Long ago, when I was taking a leap into the real world, When I was leaving behind - the only faces I had known... the only feelings I was surrounded with ...of that of care and concern, of that of affection and forgiveness.
I made a promise to myself, to 'takecare of me'. Without knowing what this promise entails...
Beneath the very thought of that promise, was a firm feeling... a feeling of reassurance. something so surreal as if my emotional body has come together to make 'me' aware of it.
Today, almost after a decade and more, when I reflect on that promise I wonder if I have been able to honour that promise... what that whole episode meant to me how do I describe it. does it even exist? or was it some sort of passing thoughts while one is growing up. if it was there, how did it help?
Indeed, without knowing what that promise entailed... I began to assess the prominent events of my life, Those, that are capable of altering ones consciousness .. Event by event, thought by thought, it began to Unravel.
Today, the distance from my decade old self gives me an edge to clearly distinguish the subtle endurance that laid all thru.
The self promise entailed.. Acceptance! that there would be emotional turbulence, Somedays you will have reasons and some days a longing for an answer..
Knowing how to be courageous about change of that of known places, people, feelings, comforts and above all the very self I knew of me.
that - eventually emerging more strongly is the way, always. from all the hurt that brought you to ashes...and that it was all for ones growth.
That there will be tussle within, in search of a balance - from that of your psyche and the social demands while being the one coexisting with that social setting.
at times you might feel humiliated coz of the moral boundaries you set for yourself whereas the free spirit continue to dwell in it’s own pristine understanding and flow of life.
that you would have never wanted to grow-up. Always wanted to feel shielded and cared for, but you wakeup to a day when the very world around you is embracing wrinkles, not a bit would say that it is seeking the reciprocation of love and care...but you will have to allow yourself to be.
In a nutshell, how much we say we are grown-up...a part of us always wanted to kindle the innocence, hold on to the known and the self promise entailed HOPE.
(Curiosity leading to connections : Michel sharing his art of hand book binding (3/17/2022))
It was a sunny afternoon. I was & am on one of my longest Holiday in ~20 yrs of work-life :). As I am writing this..it feels so unlike me. And It's now exactly a week into it.
I wonder how everything, everyone - the events (hard and kind ones), the seeker in me, the guidance & help which came my way, the initial friction followed by the ease conspired into the-reality of today.
During this holiday I visited Pondicherry with mom and my friend. We were returning from our Auroville visit and stopped at Tanto Pizzeria. Just now I learned that :
Tanto in Italian means ‘abundance’
and indeed I felt that love in the ambience, the way the staff spoke, the soul satisfying food.
While we were waiting for our order, I thought of taking a look at the corner shop which had a soulful mix of beautifully hand-crafted diaries, candles, gourmets etc. The diaries on the display was a creation of love - sheet by sheet, available in various sizes and decor.
Cylindrical, cubical & moulded in mud pots were small candles which were decorated with pressed dried flowers. All arranged on a white vertical display rack. Surrounded by lush green foliage and shade of huge tall trees which accentuated the serenity of the place.
Totally lost in my thoughts, I happen to pass-by an old fashioned white window with wooden frame and vertical grills. The bright daylight was obstructing my view into the world behind that window so I walked even closer to it. While adapting to that darkness on the other-side of window, Some sort of motion drew my attention and I saw a pair of lean fair hands working on a wooden tool and a few stack of folded printed sheets, at first the setup looked like that of some manual printing machine but it had strings of jute threads. Taking note of this bit of information, my eyes progressed along rest of the physical appearance of that person - a tall forty plus old french guy with partial baldness and slightly longer blond hairs, wearing a red T-shirt and shorts sitting on a wooden chair by that white window, facing his desk andwas so absorbed in his work that I had to think a few times to interrupt and seek his permission - if I can walk-in and see what is that he is doing. He was kind enough to let me in.
As I was removing my shoes at the entrance of his workshop, in my heart I felt a sudden rush of gratitude for this 'very moment'... a newness, an introduction to unknown world, one that is artistic, that holds the knowledge of the past, the wholeheartedness of that man's dedication it all felt so bliss-full. As if my journey, time off from work has been blessed.
I walked in to a small front office with a empty desk and chair. Then walked further into Michel's workshop - A small room of 3' x 4' with a wall with two big book Shelf Cabinet, adjacent to it was Michel's desk with books of all sizes and thickness arranged in descending order of their height ..across three quarter length of the room's width, Just a few inches above this arrangement if books was a small tool-set neatly arranged on the wall.
After introducing myself as a customer waiting for her pizza order (@tanto) and a curious being - drawn to what captivated Michel ; i asked what was he doing and what is his workshop all about? In a amused tone but kind and gentle manner Michel opened-up about every small details about his profession of - Hand bound books. He answered each of my numerous questions patiently.
Me : Pointing to the wooden tool, what is that?
Michel : It is a manual book binding tool that I bought from France and pointing to another one lying on floor - this one i got it manufactured locally (India, Chennai)
The art of hand book binding needs a lot of patience to maintain the accuracy of chapters (bundle of few pages that gets stitched together) unlike zhzzzzz zhzzzz drilling a few holes in a bundle of sheets and tie them along with a binding thread. This is more human. Each stage of hand bound book is handled with meticulous care.
Explaining the wooden machine & art of manual binding, he pointed at various parts, hooks, strings, what is known as 'chapters'. He also shared different stages of book binding.
Me : What drew you to this art and where did you learn it?
Michel : I use to do this back in my home country and when I moved to India, I continued. I had learned this from a Japanese lady as a part of her night classes.
(Michael showed a laminated old picture of his instructor - The Japanese lady, himself (his younger-self) and his batchmates)
Me : How long will the books be safe after binding?
Michel : Oh...depending on the quality of paper, a book can be kept for same as a man's lifetime or say even 100 - 200 Yrs
Michel got-up from his seat and approached the the book cabinet to pullout an old leather bound book. The book was of say ~500 pages thick and that of a palm's length.
With pride in his voice, eye reminiscing something from his past, Michel mentioned that this book belonged to his Dad and is easily more than a 100Yr old. Gently caressing the leather cover of the book, he explain that in those days it use to be Goat leather for longitivtiy. He then let me feel the fineness of a sheet of that book between my thumb and index finger....mentioning that back in those days it use to be a fabric and not chemically dyed sheets of paper. And indeed the touch of that sheet was something I never knew existed.
Michel said - Today's world is indeed blessed with technology and information floating 24/7 but if one has never experienced friendship with books.....that man is finished. S/He has not known life.
Michel sandwiched that book between both his palms, held it close to his chest and said, back in the days when I was a child, books were considered the most preciouspossession and utmost importance was given to preserving them and hence the art of Handbound books came into light.
As I was progressing my conversations with Michel, a few times the waiter from the Pizzaria came calling my name as my order was served and my folks were waiting for me to join them. A few mins later, My friend came to call me & left...after a bit more time my mom came and she also left......
Talking with Michel left my soul enriched & I strange fulfilment had taken-over me.
As a seeing-off gesture & if I can pass on some business to Michel, I asked if he has a visiting card. He searched for one, after finding a card he wrote his personal information on the blank-side of that card.
On the card was the logo of colorful stoke in rainbow shape, with a word written in Tamil in small font and overarching the colourful stroke was the 'V' of Vanaville - Hand Bound Books.
Michel explained that the name is derived from rainbow and he opened his arms in gesture of that of a rainbow arch. I assumed that the name - Vanaville must have originated from french and never bothered much about it.
A few days after returning to my base location - Bangalore. I pulled-out his card and curiosity lead me in searching the meaning for Vanaville on Google.....but all I could get was some song with the word, I then realised that it is a Tamil word...what struck me was how this individual had left all his identity and surrendered, carried only the goodness of the art along with him and purest of memories. My mind went back to the time when he was explaining me the meaning of the logo on his card - the Rainbow and the arch he formed using his long arms.....
I will be forever grateful for this experience in my life, this learning and all that Michel shared with me.
I was extremely tempted to pullout my cellphone and click a few pictures with Michel and of that of his workshop...but my heart guided me to immerse in the purity of those conversations, expressions, emotions being exhibited and felt, to life the transcending life in between eras of those conversations....and as I complete this writeup I only feel peace - one that is felt by the wisdom of 'letting go', of that of acquiring or bringing nothing but just the whole self <3.
When a plate of dosa, chutney and sambhar is shared between two people sitting across the table and each one has a morsel in hand which was intended to be dipped in our beloved chutney but for the convenience of the other (unconsciously) one gets dipped into the sambhar and other one just plain gets into the mouth.
Ha ha ha....God knows if either was happy but both were assured of the underlying essence of care.
Let's see...if we can experience something each day for next 12 posts?...
2. What is Promotion? (19th Feb)
Not at all considering work related promotion...though the season is such :). Personally, when one sheds-away an identity and take a leap of faith into the new and unknown - be it moment, Persona, new bonds, sharing with honest and respectful intent...
A few years back, I watched an animated video of various stages of a satellite's trajectory when it is launched and one thing got clear to me that as we evolve as a person or grow in any way - we shed a bit of ourselves in a why that enables us.
3. Foundation of a well cultivated relationship? (20th Feb)
Well...It might sound selfish or self obsessed, but repeatedly life reaffirmed that the best relationship one can cultivate is with oneself.
Taking a stock of the years passed by - during C19 lockdown, I know I have personally spent hours, days, months by myself. Even if I was in company of my loved ones, I was in my head for a good part of that time.
Today was a day I would call 'allowing myself to sit with me, My emotions' - gracefully, wholeheartedly; allowed to be spoken off or about & share but not criticise, to show tremendous love in all that this being is and have become, even if it means tearing the protective walls ..letting tears roll-down, feel every bit of raw emotion that is surfacing and what all is going in my head and heart. For a longtime, I have been getting this urge to stop this corporate world and kill-myself down with unwanted pressures I bear and end-up hurting myself, pushing myself hard to fit. My heart says - go and be with Papa, learn and do farming but on a second thought I question myself, is this an act of running away....from something that is unpleasant at work and is pressing me hard - emotionally, the constant changes, dealing with them - all by yourself! because no-one would understand your journey and why is the need for anyone to know it....am I seeking pity? or is it that I believe only I am the one with such and such challenges whereas if I want, I can see and be at peace with the fact that there is actually nothing that I really need to worry so much about (touchwood) - only If I want to unmask and allow myself to accept that I need not create unnecessary challenges, make things, events or experiences so complicated for myself and act from the deepest of unhealed wounds of words spoken by a source where my trust was laid out.
Amidst all this was a theme emerging, of 'Fear'; of 'what if (anything deviates)'; of 'changes'. How deeply it agonised me - the thought of uncertainty of any kind, be it even a certain information not available to me at work. As life unfolded, I became so comfortable with uncertainties that it almost started to feel natural and welcomed in almost all arenas of my life (unknowingly). It shaped - me and a identity I portrayed to be me; for others who needed to categorise me. There was a constant flux of adjusting to whatever embraces or stabilises 'That' identity but the underlined emotion of fear wasn't rooted-out. I unconsciously called for events and individuals in my-life that rather imposed much terrifying memories and forever left me in a lingering questionable situation of - am I so unworldly? or if, what I know and believe to be my world was an illusion?
Today, after a two hrs. call with a colleague about my contributions for performance writing, my heart was filled with a strange emotion and I wanted to cry my heart out. And I sat with myself to reflect and acknowledge what was happening. I allowed myself to go deeper and far into my Life's journey - bucket all that reflects 'Fear', as I felt my actions are no-more a desired ones rather compelled with the fear. I wanted to reflect at the scenarios that made me feel vulnerable, patterns I am still carrying and if any particular ones I am willing to dissolve and come to terms with my identity - 'now' - a different reality.
Starting from the ones from my early childhood...
Mom not being around when I feared exams.
Fear of being left alone...all by self.
Fear that I would be made to go away from my mom. (After she gets her second child, married away etc).
Fear that my indecipherable emotional outbursts or clinging behaviour will result in tainting my mom's image.
Insecurities I developed when - friends which were labeled 'Best' turned away to be with someone else.
I feared Love from anyone else than that of my Mother.
Later, in my teens, God blessed me with certain people and relationships which comforted my withered soul. I forgot what I was missing in my life. I sailed thru the roughest of times with them, they became the torchbearer. But less did I know - I was trying to unconsciously cover-up the deep cuts. With it I developed another layer of fears with same underlining theme....
Fear of being pulled apart from folks I loved and who loved me
Fear of being questions and judged.
Fear that I will not be able to explain myself or about my truest feelings.
Fear that I need to constantly be in a race, with a constant friction within - between the naive inner-child in the world of statistics & that of portrayal of a grown-up being.
I never wanted to leave my nest.
Lower self-esteem that I am the only one at fault.
I entertained transactional relationships, especially at work.
I thrived in roles that made me feel a key contributor in protecting; be it information, identity, individuality etc.
The constant need to prove myself to satisfy the underlining identity which din't ever sync with me but I still thrived at it.
A lot of what I reflected pointed me to one common theme - 'Missing motherly love early in my childhood'...her assurance and confidence in me. And I could also see the repercussions in my behaviour and response pattern:
By now, I had engraved it on my soul that every relationship fails - once it gets tagged or labeled.
It all started to seem like give and take....in smallest of steps or role we play.
I took the responsibility to provide for...in every relationship I considered dear.
there is lot in this pandora's box and it would be best for me to sleep over it for now.....
Before I sign-off, I wanted to mention that my Mom is innocent and unworldly, she always had the best intent and interest for me and I love her just the way she is. She hold responsibility only for all the Good and beautiful in my life and nothing else. Love.
4. The guiding signs & Kindness (23rd Feb 2022)
While walking I came across a beautiful feather and my mind wondered what is it telling me?
I had somewhere read that the colors of the feather has a message hidden in them.
The grey feather was ~6"long with dark stripes marked from left to right across the length. I was for a absorbed in-that moment and was taking into count every single detail my mind can capture about it. My curiosity pushed me to look for the hidden message ...and I searched on Google. Learned that It was an owl's feather and below is the message I got:
While walking, into a few steps further and manier thoughts on feathers and the marvel of nature's communication. I entered a park. Sat in on a stone bench and was happily having deep conversations with a friend and then I see another small tiny grey feather resting on the pathway in-front of me. It was a plain grey but still it was the most alluring for its perfect shape and compact size.
I bend down to pick it, was initially hard to grab the hallow shaft part with my thumb and index finger but somehow I picked-it up and what amazed me was the front of that feather which was a beautiful green.
A green feather signifies that if there’s one thing you won’t be missing, it’s luck! The color implies fertility and fortune, which suggests that you'll come into a large sum of money or will see everything fall into place in your love life. What's more, if a loved one has ill health, then it could be a sign that they'll recover and get back on their feet very soon.
and it made my day and a small gesture that I saw outside someone's house was this....it filled my heart with gratitude and trust of the impact and reach of goodness <3
5. Is love ever sufficient? (27th Feb)
Possibly no, never. I feel, all life forms are alive only because of the pure essence of love dwelling into us....At different stages or phases of life - love received and expressed changes, the form shifts. The course, the intensity, the purity, innocence with with it is held or even accepted.
But there is a simplest litmus test for self- when is it that I am most happy knowing I am being loved?
And I love the richness of the below saying by Kahlil Gibran & the line that resonates with my soul is ....Make not a bond of love...
6. When my calf muscles spoke. (28th Feb)
I have taken a day off from work but when I woke-up, I experienced a my thoughts were on a spree, I felt sinked in the anxiety of what to do or say what all I can close with the ample time on my hand. In the hindsight, I have a tremendous load (seeking clarity, defining my small wins, planning a global event etc) of work on hand but I am also experiencing a withdrawal.
After chit-chatting with my neighbour, finishing breakfast, I was a bit settled with my thoughts and took time to acknowledge lightness in my calf muscles, a sensation resembling weakness and have been sensing it for quite sometime but have been long ignoring.
After knowing the work of Louise hay, I felt I should check what is it that my body is saying to me, a pattern I need to release to get back to ease, I took-out a book from the shelf - Heal Your Body and the closest I could go was:
Muscles (LHS) > The underlying thought or belief or condition of mind > an affirmation I need to practice(I experience life as a joyous dance).
Indeed, there is a lot of honesty! resemblance with my life as of today and there is no stronger force than the truth - one that nudges your core.
And being the usual me, I further dwelled into the background of 'resistance' a root that directed me to what I feel the most - F.E.A.R. (nothing surprising about it though...)
Something told me to checkout some self help videos on YT and my heart stayed with the one by J. Krishnamurthy. This one which spoke to me and my conscience:
I am going to watch it again in peace and with focus.
Before that, I wanted to take a moment and acknowledge my deepest gratitude for all the many people in my life (from my birth - till date), for experiences they carried, for being the nudge factor, for some being my strength, for some walking along, for few being my friends, for some being the reason for my laughter and for some being the courage behind my being, for all of them being - just purely themselves so that they serve for the higher purpose of my life's course - the lessons I need to learn, the patterns I need to dissolve.
Love & Bliss
7. Trust in a relationship (3rd March)
After yesterday, when I experienced a brief moment of numbness in my body, of that of the ground slipping under my feet.....off-course this could be because of my thoughts, assumptions based on a few events I witnessed and I am not able to allow myself to question the person in concern nor am I willing to really seek any clarification.
What I am drawn towards is ... a Question - In this ever evolving, extremely dynamic and co-existing
What is the meaning & value of Trust in a relationship? Is it an injected belief, personal to every individual or is it a status quo, or a blanket or a an asset?
Why is it so delicate and gets shattered with slightest of nudge?
Why in the first place, is it important to one-another? Does this also means the truest essence of love is missing which lead to doubt creeping-in...or does it mean I chose to co-exist irrespective...
.....well not a happy/ healthy flow of thoughts here and I want to leave this here. But...
My cellphone has a gratitude reminder for every night and take a quick mental note of 10 pointers - things/ events/ experiences or people from my day for which I feel grateful.
Today I feel immensely grateful for :
For my morning Yoga routine
For the blessing of a loving and immensely caring neighbour who keeps me nourished with timely and ample food
For Ma and Papa (hearing Papa's voice on phone makes my heart feel so grounded and at peace)
For family, nephews and niece ๐ฃ๐ผ๐ผ
For the financial freedom and stability
For being able to wish my manager a B'day with a surprise flower and chocolates. (best feeling to be able to make someone feel special)
How things/ tasks started to fall in place at work.
For the fresh betel leaf and nut from the roadside lady vendor and her gesture to give a bit extra so that I don't feel the shortage....I was so touched with her love.
Everything unfolding as this Life and my blog (my space & it makes me feel @home with my thoughts/ vulnerabilities)
Love & Grace
8. Mum | Mummy | Ammi (6th March)
While en-route to a nearby small town (in Feb), I was contemplating - how to make my mom's Bangalore visit more comfortable and memorable. It occurred to me that I hardly know anything about my mum...her choices, her favourite color, food, places or anything that she really enjoys.....
For a moment I had tears in my eyes that I took that one relationship for granted...I felt ashamed of myself and when I shared this with my friend; I was asked why do I feel so?
After a brief pause, I replied - I was Ma's world and I got so habitual of she looking after me that I never realised she is also another human being who never expressed that she needs or deserve love, care... rather she took it upon herself to nurture her kids..all the time at all age.
I just hope that I allow myself to flow with the unfolding of events and stay calm and indulge in the time while she is with me.
Love
9. A morning for the soul's calling
Water-color Bookmarks
10. So much to observe but so little time to pause and write (midnight 11 March)
To satisfy my quest to write I chose myself to be the canvas...and re-write a beautiful, creative 'me'
11. Dramatic life of 'this' girl. (12th March)
Just two days back she gets to know what she is experiencing at work is Stockholm syndrome.
Before even she could internalize this new information and that something of this sort exists;
next morning she wakes-up trembling...after seeing a work email that had some last min requests for which she wasn't feeling enough empowered.
It was a Friday morning and also a global workday off. As an exception, she had an intro call scheduled with her new manager at 11am. She sobbed and tears were the only way out for her to let go the mental pressure she felt. The new manager was eventually made aware of the context behind those tears.
With a heavy head and hazy mind, she chose to step-out with her neighbourhood friend. She goes back to that lane where her first hostel was located...she reminisced those good old days with dreams in her eyes, those mischiefs of jumping off the hostel gate to just be able to walk in a lane that sells sweets. That captivating sweet fragrance of flower sellers lane....that touch of south-indian culture....a walk in nearby park and some jackfruits (first of the season) to munch on... walking along the pathways with huge trees almost as if they hold a age-long awareness about life and a mysterious power to make someone feel that they are grounded, stabilised and looked after. After a heavy load of insensible hogging of street food and long ride, she returns back home.
Just approx. an hour later, she gets a call from her another friend to meet for dinner and a drive. It was initially a meeting with some differences due to financial crises that came-up for the other and how it has to be sorted out. After a soothing & heartfelt Kashmiri Kawah and Guntur Idli, she felt a bit settled but had already worn out from the stretched emotional turns of events. Her friend drops her at home and she realises that the main gate is locked, she jumped off neighbour's boundary wall to get to her home. Had bought some ice-cream for her neighbour and the very essence of being able to add some sweetness to someone's day lifted her crumpling being.
The neighbour friend and she then discuss the planning for receiving mom who is travelling to Bangalore next day (12th March) and how she plan to make sure that the house is tidy and cupboards are arranged with one dedicated space for Mom's clothes. In between she also tries some dance moves on 'Kaccha Badam' and it was hilarious. And it's a wrap to the day with laughter.
Cut to next day, Mom's arrival was ~12:49pm. The neighbours and she were excited. Possibly she was a bit lost with the turmoil of emotion she is experiencing in her day-to-day life and work. So around 9:15am she and neighbours take breakfast and plans to book a movie show with mom. In the excitement of booking a movie after almost 3 years (C19 pandemic), the neighbour mistakenly booked the show for 10:50am for same date๐ andit conflicts with all the planning - receiving mom, Neighbour's work shift etc.
As soon as we all realised the blunder; we all became a part of some sort of frenzy - each one trying to see how to avoid the losses by reselling those tickets, making calls, posting status on whatsapp etc.
I contacted a friend & a cousin (localite) to check if they can buy those 5 tickets or can refer a group. Was suggested that the best is to go to the multiplex and sell it outside the counter or were asking 70% discount. It was a collective effort of realigning priorities with what best can be done and what can be left to fate :)
We decided, two of my neighbours would go and watch the movie, sell remaining 3 tickets at the same multiplex. This girl will get ready and go to pick-up mom. But eventually:
All 5 tickets of 10 am show were sold at MRP. we were all relived and over joyed with this adventure.
This girl made some soothing wood-apple juice to help us all calm and carry some for mom's welcome :P
My friend eventually joined me to go and receive my mom.
We walked to the metro station, settled-in for ~10mins. And just 9mins before the arrival of our metro, we realised we were waiting at the wrong side of the platform and then again we ran to catch the train on other side ...phew. We made it in.
After reaching back home, we all had lunch together and started to plan our instant sort trip to Pondicherry, Auroville, Mahabalipuram, Dakshin chitra & possibly Ooty. To be true...this girl just wanted to keep travelling and make it home whichever place she visits.
The neighbor friend could join her trip which commenced on 15th March 2022.
leaving the 12th post blank...in love in grace..in the joyous dance of life & in gratitude :)
