I don't know how a Mother's love is for women who are self assured, loving, nurturing and caring for not just self but everyone around them. Those who aren't scared of tomorrow, one who isn't locked in the invisible delicate balance of honour, respect and craving of being free from the micro managing eyes, from over protection. One those aren't afraid of making mistakes or failing. One those who can take decisions and be at ease.
Writing this while slipping in and out of the YouTube audio "inner child healing - mother's love affirmations" as I was triggered by a heated argument with mom over her constant yet intimidating questioning - Why did I go up & down stairs multiple times, if I washed too many clothes, if I am cleaning kitchen mess etc (I was fasting and she wanted to makesure I do not over exert myself by daily chores).
When I snapped back at her questions and asked her if she has gone mad or her mind and eyes are just on me all the time! I clarifies that daily work is something I choose to do to keep myself active and it will not dissolve me...
Her intense response thru words were - that I should learn to say yes/ no in answers and not answer her back, and that I am more of a people pleaser and only know to just show off mannerism and not actually mean it, atleast to my own parents.
I am glad that I am not as hurt or broken as I used too be after those words nor judgmental. But such words reassures me that probably one-way it is good the way my relationship/s are or were, what good could I have done to them either way when my own foundation is always trembling. The experiences I had in those relationships eg. made to feel used, disregarded, not worth a respect, or if they are broken, hidden and it also makes me feel that probably I am not meant for relationships. Hurt and wounds are all we carry, where we do not know to face each other in the darkest of our hours with respect and acceptance.
Anyways, I have enough of such stuff on my plate as of now.
I know I shouldn't be writing this as a trigger response but it is also important to face self and take whole responsibility and clear my heart more than anything to be able to be alive.
Over the last few years I have realised that the hardest battles are that with our own self which includes our own people, directly or indirectly. Because you love them so deeply that it hurts to even think ill or hurt them in anyway but as humans we are or say 'I' should be knowing of my own limitations of anger, of resentments, of unhealed past, of lack of validations from the very circle that brought me up and the knowledge that somewhere those people who unknowingly are hurting you are hurting themselves deeply from there own trauma's, wounds and journey of life. I will continue to fight the inner battle of me being the disgraceful child who probably doesn't know or feel love for her parents...
I feel sorry for myself for choking up at such pitty events but I don't know how to help myself, I can't cry nor will I be understood.
Sometimes it's best to sleep off with those affirmations to ease your own heart.... Afterall, you come alone and will leave alone.
Mom's love is precious, kind, innocent but sometimes it becomes too suffocating with conditions. May I be forgiven. 🙏
Would like to tell myself - I allow myself to feel hurt, frustrated, or confused. I am not alone in my experiences. (Takecare Tanu🫂)
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