How do you make peace with your heart?

The train is running late by and hour and I am already starving. Starving literally and metaphorically in absence of a friend/ person I had known.

I am on a train from Pondicherry back to Bangalore; after spending a lot of time reading on Kindle (50 life lessons), scrolling thru insta reels, constantly checking the app 'where is my train' for the current location and also sneaked-in a few train routes for my probable next journey or say a escape from the inner chatter...inspite of knowing - it all will be in vain till I face the chatter and get out of denial.

Well...when I started from Bangalore, I was super excited! Infact, super charged-up as I had got a reason and whole new purpose to my scheduled Pondy trip. And it eventually turned out soulful and beautiful with loads of new enriching experiences that left me with a deep satisfaction.  And all that happened in a series of events that almost felt like a sign and a magic being infused in my life again.

A bit of a background - Last Tuesday, on my way back home from work, I met Shirni - a colleague who was also be sharing  the same cab. From my past experiences of sharing with him about my spiritual moments, insights and travels I have come to believe that I meet him for a specific reason and he seems to be my the carrier of a message for me. This time also he asked if I have visited those temples in and around Pondy (Famous Vinayaka temple, a Shani Temple and Chidambaram Temple). Not remembering the names (from my past visits) , I said No, I haven't been there and that was it! a beginning to my new journey with a purpose to check the list and my colleague also said that may be my purpose or a calling this particular time could be the invite from Chidambaram temple (Shiva is the main deity in the dancer's form - Natraja).  Among the other five elements this  temple represents - Space and I knew in my heart that I am solely seeking space within.

Not to mention, the whole journey turned out to be so eventful and I am still struck by the meticulous placement of people, words, messages, visuals that spoke to my soul and peeped in some deep hidden truths of lifetimes - a passion I had not know is in me...a art form and a longing for Dance.

Well, I am here with a different topic to dwell into, and had I not attended I know that the unsettled feeling, delayed train or the right paced one cornered me to sit with myself and find my balance back.

At Pondy, Initial few days went just peacefully, organising and recalibrating the planned travel/ visits plus a little bit of closures on work front. The day when I had to return, every bit of my being was yearning to see this man or hug him, look into his eyes and have a heart to heart conversation, to hear and know how has he been and to share what made me choose what I choose and much more...above all I missed him and worried about his wellbeing and I do not want to leave his alone as I know how horrifying it is to feel that way... strangely the one who I think believes that cutting away abruptly in a relationship coz we had a heated argument could be one of the part of the '10 commandments of chivalry'. Anyways, I am here to put into perspective of all that I am feeling, experiencing and dealing internally so that I do not trouble others in anyway...

Q. Have I started to Love him?

A. There is no certain answer to this as Love that I have experienced and lived so far has stood the test of time and challenges and my understanding is casted or moulded with that. But for sure there is something deep I do feel for him. 

Q. After all these months (~ 9), what triggered you so hard?

A. Possibly the place - Pondicherry. I had come here a few months into the breaking apart but at that time I was there to heal from the condition my body was experiencing and my whole being was focused on fixing my own self and get the balance back if life exists or I exit.

This time all was fine until one fine day, I sat for lunch at a cafe and the next table has a person with similar name and it was being called over and over again. Given I had more time to myself sinking and soaking in every memory that surfaced with each walk, wall, waves, winds or words; when it was time for me to leave, I churned and struggled to keep myself in one whole being as every thought was yearning to see him to have him around in the presence of sea, I terribly failed in masking up my tears, the void and my deepest felt scream .

Q. What do you think about the person, in all your honesty?

A. His actions left me with no better choice than to think of harm - to that of my being and psyche. Of that of being used, of that being played with. But, I am helpless when it comes to my heart's song, it cares way too much and I can only be me ...irrespective of how much I give away myself. But I thanked him for some of the ways he knew me. about me and I had got addicted to his talks, the exchange of thoughts and some light hearted friendship.

Q.Why not reach-out and have an honest word? make peace with? What fears hold you back?

A. Reaching out! yeah, I have a big ego or my pride (of whatever is left) stops me. Along with that I have a word of another friend don't want to walk-over, or come across as a cheater for one and a trustworthy for another one. I doubt myself if I am trying to be always in the good books and hence this?...Who knows...I am feeling exhausted. Plus, reaching out may mean a promise which may be heard even if not spoken at all...given other person's involvement  (emotionally) in me. And after experiencing the actions - that those were (partially I do blame myself for it all), to trust is to ask myself to give all my in it and I wonder if I am capable of it or have that much in me. What if I fail again, I get let-down in the eyes of people I held myself high. What if I be treated again like a 'fly' - where initially I was a part of a family and the very next moment, I am just another person on earth - existing.

I heard somewhere that trying to forget a living person is equal to dying a 1000 deaths every moment and it proved right for me in repeats.

And for peace - It can only come from within, nowhere else as people change and so do I. 

Q. Do you want to be friends with him?

A. Given the practical person he is or turned into where as me being completely the emotional one...I believe it will get too awkward along with the history associated. (I smiled for a moment when the Mac book keypad showed 'Awesome' instead)

Q. Aside if this one person, what is your take and willingness for a partnership?

A. At this very moment if I have to answer the above Qs, the hurt that I still carry in my heart is not enabling me to allow myself even to think in that line,  I sob at the slightest thought. The sob is internal, a silent deep cry of pain, of missing, of seeking of love to be expressed and to be felt. Of trying to fit-in somewhere, to find peace, to be, to heal, to ease-off and to be easy on self.

May be the bitter truth is - I do want one but with me comes a lot of conditions, a path not travelled by many and might have to still nurture them, not all will be rosy, What about the vulnerability I carry with me? will anyone be so capable to walk along? I do not know. 

What is it to be in the moment...

 

As I was taking a walk on the beach road, I saw a mid-age couple sitting facing the sea. There was something so calming about the way they were, their body language spoke every bit at ease. 

And that very ease was absent in my being...since long. As I started to think about the missing 'ease' I sat somewhere closer to the couple and stared at the sea, the waves, people - walking, running, having mad fun with friends, some taking selfies, some busy trying new angles for capturing a great pic of the ocean while some were there offering prayers with family. Somewhere a little far from me, I saw a white dog sleeping with such ease that I had tears in my eyes realising it's been ages I had experienced sleep of that sort...that element of being carefree. I couldn't take my eyes away from that dog and resisted hard not to go around it as I might disturb it's sleep.

Wait a min! I am still thinking....now even louder ...ease is being in the moment but does that means surrendering? is it love or is it trust?

While watching that dog and it's rythmic breathing I sensed a certain calmness taking over me and I got up and stepped down closer to the sea and sand....where the dog was sleeping. I sat next to it and gently touched it's tail...the very end of it to make sure it doesn't wake up.

I was also amazed that - though the whole beach side is so loud with humans; playing and having great time...this dog was deep in it's childlike sleep...I wondered how!  from where it has so much wisdom and assurity that the waves wouldn't touch it and it lay there so carefree. In true sense trusting the sea and the waves with its life. 

I now had to hold myself back hard, to not hug it and sleep next to it so I indulged in some sand-mandala art, I took the dried stem of a nearby tree and it's leaves - color of autumn and were wet with the sea water soaked in the sand it lay on.

With that I made a small flower like Mandala and at a certain moment I experienced that a weight was lifted off my heart, I felt a bit lighter and liberated may be from the chains of grown-ups, of being the one bearing the responsibility and at that very moment I was nurturing the inner child. In between, I also felt like brushing that puppy and at few intervals, I kept getting closer to it...close enough to be able to gently stroke it and it let me do so. I felt loved. A part of me was revived. I smiled from my heart and I was feeling so much at peace. I then spent some more time sandwiched between the mandala on my right and the doggy on my left....

Then I got up as I wanted to actually take a dip in the sea but had cellphone and book with me and had to manage it on my own....so just stood closer to where waves were reaching the shore and I let me feet immerse in it. I enjoyed that for a long while and later moved back up toward the concrete platform and read my incomplete book in the reflecting light from one of the street lamp and a hotel across the street.

I finally felt I was in the moment, as I sat in that breezy shore..reading almost 40 - 50 pages with some great music playing on my phone and me soaking the storyline.

Loop : switch on/ off

There was this particular song (tu aake dekhle) that I heard for the first time in my friend's car while I was on vacation and visiting home.  I don't know what it was..maybe the vacation vibes that matched in the song and made me feel happy and loved or it was the company of friends that my soul yearned for...

(Back in BLR)

It was a friday morning while washing clothes at the terrace under the open sky I was enjoying some good album songs...

I then selected that song and immediately without much thought, turned the 'Loop audio'- On. In that very moment I experienced a deep awareness about how I have been on endless mental trips in a loop...be it a broken relationship, a sour friendship, an uncertain future, questions that were never answered, self criticism ...majorly the discomforting events! One that I keep playing in loop in my mind and then make efforts to get back to the now, ease of a bit, allow myself to be ok....that life happens and that it's a Journey. 

I tell myself, the harder you love or trust the harder it hits back....so that's ok. The beauty of it all is that I experienced and I would probably die empty....coz I loved deeply and believed in people...I put my total faith in them. Rest is their journey too and I need to learn to let go; which I know is the most painful and almost impossible task for me...but possibly life is putting me in this loop for me to give it a try and be easy on self. Life goes on ..whether I wish or no...

So best is to be more aware and tune-in to 'what is not wrong'...put effort to let that be a Loop that I switch on as an auto pilot.

And also know it's all a choice and I am allowed to make one with all my heart and grace.

From the song...(https://youtu.be/16jSQ0xdJKU)

लोग कहते मुझ को ग़लत, मैं रखता तेरी तलब

पर क्या करूँ? तेरी तस्वीरों को देख के उठती तड़प

मैं रोकता खुद को नहीं, आँसू आ जाते हैं

मैं वो नहीं जो करे प्यार किसी से भी नाम का रख के फ़रक़....

Thank you