Imerging women-hood

Without her conscious awareness, she started to lean into letting her long hair loose and flowing. This brought a deep sense of comfort and a peculiar sort of freedom... perhaps rooted in acceptance and being at ease with the present moment, without unnecessary manipulation.

 

(Picture from FreePik)

Her tightly-wound bun had become a part of her identity. She held an underlying belief that it kept her grounded and focused amidst the uncertainty and inexplicable chaos of life. It was also a matter of convenience, requiring little to no maintenance.

Ironically, much of this chaos was self-cultivated; it stemmed from unattended fears that drove her to seek security with a foundation of fragile trust. Yet, alongside these emotional shackles, she yearned to discover her true self...

A strand of hair slipped from the bun, cascading down followed by another, due to their silky texture and she felt increasingly at home and at ease. Surprisingly, she wasn't rushing to fix or tie those hairs back (as she had been conditioned to do for years). Instead, she felt a sense of womanhood emerging from within.

Just a simple line...

When one draws it, it is called as boundary, And sometimes a representation of a beginning; a start of some sort.

When crossed, it is a betrayal.
Segmented, adds new dimensions.

When held, it is firmity.

When doodled with, it is an expression - an art
When sent, conveys a message

The most simplest yet sophisticated,
Flexible, hence infinite - a line.

At times visible, at times ignored...

Poetry is what it is, when composed.

Just a simple line...

अभी दिल दुखाने की माफ़ी माँगनी बाकी है...

अभी दिल दुखाने की माफ़ी माँगनी बाकी है...
जो वादे किये थे साथ निभाने के, उससे मुकर जाने की गुस्ताखी अपनानी बाकी है।

सुना था "हर प्यार मिलन तो नहीं, बिछड़ना भी तो प्यार ही है"; जाना आज कि  - हम भी इस किस्से के भागी हैं

जब अपना ही आसमां अपना न लगे,
कैसे हम कोई दूसरे आशियाने की चाह रखें?

माना मुश्किल है डगर आगे...
अकेला सा अहसास होगा,
पर यकीन रखना जब तक है सांस...
जादू का तुम में वास होगा।

तुम्हारी माफ़ी के काबिल शायद अब हम नहीं...
इसलिए खुदा से एक वादा मांगा..

साया हो तेरे सर पर हमेशा - प्यार का, 
आंखों में सपनों की चमक,
दरिया हो दिल में - सूकुन का,
हर गुज़रते दिन में तू रहे 'लम्हो' की ताज़गी सा

What is home?

 What is home?..I wonder...

The immediate thought is - a place we grew-up at or  where our parents or loved ones are.

While being in kitchen and wiping the washed dishes, my mind was pondering over that thought....then a 'before & after' image of a messy garden from my home (back in hometown) flashed in my mind...one that was shared by my brother today morning .... After seeing neatly arranged pots and plants my immediate response to him was - 'Welcome Home💖'.

Such tasks during Diwali was a very common thing for me, my Uncle or earlier with Lt. grandfather; but it was very unusual for me to see my brother indulging in such things. This new awareness brought a smile on my face.

My thoughts then shifted back to where I was - in Bangalore and to the tender  shoots of tropical leafs (most favourite) and peace lily plants that I have plucked this morning from house-gardens of the nearby lanes, on my way back home post veggies shopping. For a moment l, I wondered what made me do that? When did this very thought or belief that I can have my own garden came to me?...and what is it so magical about taking that time to clean the fallen leaves, dirt from around the pots and wash bird baths with the thought that they would be happy to see it all clean and will bathe in joy and express it with the fluttering wet wings. A part of my heart was praying for the shoots - may they also feel at home in my garden even though I have taken them away from their own family...

After all the reflection, I arrived at a conclusion that gives me peace and is what I think Home is, It can even be a fraction of a second where the inner child in us is nurtured through actions, talks, music, indulging in a task that bring back happy and carefree memories etc. and is allowed the freedom of expression irrespective of the age or place or title or mask we wear for society.

Wishing you all a joyous, prosperous and healthy Dipawali💖🙏.

What is home to you?

How do you make peace with your heart?

The train is running late by and hour and I am already starving. Starving literally and metaphorically in absence of a friend/ person I had known.

I am on a train from Pondicherry back to Bangalore; after spending a lot of time reading on Kindle (50 life lessons), scrolling thru insta reels, constantly checking the app 'where is my train' for the current location and also sneaked-in a few train routes for my probable next journey or say a escape from the inner chatter...inspite of knowing - it all will be in vain till I face the chatter and get out of denial.

Well...when I started from Bangalore, I was super excited! Infact, super charged-up as I had got a reason and whole new purpose to my scheduled Pondy trip. And it eventually turned out soulful and beautiful with loads of new enriching experiences that left me with a deep satisfaction.  And all that happened in a series of events that almost felt like a sign and a magic being infused in my life again.

A bit of a background - Last Tuesday, on my way back home from work, I met Shirni - a colleague who was also be sharing  the same cab. From my past experiences of sharing with him about my spiritual moments, insights and travels I have come to believe that I meet him for a specific reason and he seems to be my the carrier of a message for me. This time also he asked if I have visited those temples in and around Pondy (Famous Vinayaka temple, a Shani Temple and Chidambaram Temple). Not remembering the names (from my past visits) , I said No, I haven't been there and that was it! a beginning to my new journey with a purpose to check the list and my colleague also said that may be my purpose or a calling this particular time could be the invite from Chidambaram temple (Shiva is the main deity in the dancer's form - Natraja).  Among the other five elements this  temple represents - Space and I knew in my heart that I am solely seeking space within.

Not to mention, the whole journey turned out to be so eventful and I am still struck by the meticulous placement of people, words, messages, visuals that spoke to my soul and peeped in some deep hidden truths of lifetimes - a passion I had not know is in me...a art form and a longing for Dance.

Well, I am here with a different topic to dwell into, and had I not attended I know that the unsettled feeling, delayed train or the right paced one cornered me to sit with myself and find my balance back.

At Pondy, Initial few days went just peacefully, organising and recalibrating the planned travel/ visits plus a little bit of closures on work front. The day when I had to return, every bit of my being was yearning to see this man or hug him, look into his eyes and have a heart to heart conversation, to hear and know how has he been and to share what made me choose what I choose and much more...above all I missed him and worried about his wellbeing and I do not want to leave his alone as I know how horrifying it is to feel that way... strangely the one who I think believes that cutting away abruptly in a relationship coz we had a heated argument could be one of the part of the '10 commandments of chivalry'. Anyways, I am here to put into perspective of all that I am feeling, experiencing and dealing internally so that I do not trouble others in anyway...

Q. Have I started to Love him?

A. There is no certain answer to this as Love that I have experienced and lived so far has stood the test of time and challenges and my understanding is casted or moulded with that. But for sure there is something deep I do feel for him. 

Q. After all these months (~ 9), what triggered you so hard?

A. Possibly the place - Pondicherry. I had come here a few months into the breaking apart but at that time I was there to heal from the condition my body was experiencing and my whole being was focused on fixing my own self and get the balance back if life exists or I exit.

This time all was fine until one fine day, I sat for lunch at a cafe and the next table has a person with similar name and it was being called over and over again. Given I had more time to myself sinking and soaking in every memory that surfaced with each walk, wall, waves, winds or words; when it was time for me to leave, I churned and struggled to keep myself in one whole being as every thought was yearning to see him to have him around in the presence of sea, I terribly failed in masking up my tears, the void and my deepest felt scream .

Q. What do you think about the person, in all your honesty?

A. His actions left me with no better choice than to think of harm - to that of my being and psyche. Of that of being used, of that being played with. But, I am helpless when it comes to my heart's song, it cares way too much and I can only be me ...irrespective of how much I give away myself. But I thanked him for some of the ways he knew me. about me and I had got addicted to his talks, the exchange of thoughts and some light hearted friendship.

Q.Why not reach-out and have an honest word? make peace with? What fears hold you back?

A. Reaching out! yeah, I have a big ego or my pride (of whatever is left) stops me. Along with that I have a word of another friend don't want to walk-over, or come across as a cheater for one and a trustworthy for another one. I doubt myself if I am trying to be always in the good books and hence this?...Who knows...I am feeling exhausted. Plus, reaching out may mean a promise which may be heard even if not spoken at all...given other person's involvement  (emotionally) in me. And after experiencing the actions - that those were (partially I do blame myself for it all), to trust is to ask myself to give all my in it and I wonder if I am capable of it or have that much in me. What if I fail again, I get let-down in the eyes of people I held myself high. What if I be treated again like a 'fly' - where initially I was a part of a family and the very next moment, I am just another person on earth - existing.

I heard somewhere that trying to forget a living person is equal to dying a 1000 deaths every moment and it proved right for me in repeats.

And for peace - It can only come from within, nowhere else as people change and so do I. 

Q. Do you want to be friends with him?

A. Given the practical person he is or turned into where as me being completely the emotional one...I believe it will get too awkward along with the history associated. (I smiled for a moment when the Mac book keypad showed 'Awesome' instead)

Q. Aside if this one person, what is your take and willingness for a partnership?

A. At this very moment if I have to answer the above Qs, the hurt that I still carry in my heart is not enabling me to allow myself even to think in that line,  I sob at the slightest thought. The sob is internal, a silent deep cry of pain, of missing, of seeking of love to be expressed and to be felt. Of trying to fit-in somewhere, to find peace, to be, to heal, to ease-off and to be easy on self.

May be the bitter truth is - I do want one but with me comes a lot of conditions, a path not travelled by many and might have to still nurture them, not all will be rosy, What about the vulnerability I carry with me? will anyone be so capable to walk along? I do not know. 

What is it to be in the moment...

 

As I was taking a walk on the beach road, I saw a mid-age couple sitting facing the sea. There was something so calming about the way they were, their body language spoke every bit at ease. 

And that very ease was absent in my being...since long. As I started to think about the missing 'ease' I sat somewhere closer to the couple and stared at the sea, the waves, people - walking, running, having mad fun with friends, some taking selfies, some busy trying new angles for capturing a great pic of the ocean while some were there offering prayers with family. Somewhere a little far from me, I saw a white dog sleeping with such ease that I had tears in my eyes realising it's been ages I had experienced sleep of that sort...that element of being carefree. I couldn't take my eyes away from that dog and resisted hard not to go around it as I might disturb it's sleep.

Wait a min! I am still thinking....now even louder ...ease is being in the moment but does that means surrendering? is it love or is it trust?

While watching that dog and it's rythmic breathing I sensed a certain calmness taking over me and I got up and stepped down closer to the sea and sand....where the dog was sleeping. I sat next to it and gently touched it's tail...the very end of it to make sure it doesn't wake up.

I was also amazed that - though the whole beach side is so loud with humans; playing and having great time...this dog was deep in it's childlike sleep...I wondered how!  from where it has so much wisdom and assurity that the waves wouldn't touch it and it lay there so carefree. In true sense trusting the sea and the waves with its life. 

I now had to hold myself back hard, to not hug it and sleep next to it so I indulged in some sand-mandala art, I took the dried stem of a nearby tree and it's leaves - color of autumn and were wet with the sea water soaked in the sand it lay on.

With that I made a small flower like Mandala and at a certain moment I experienced that a weight was lifted off my heart, I felt a bit lighter and liberated may be from the chains of grown-ups, of being the one bearing the responsibility and at that very moment I was nurturing the inner child. In between, I also felt like brushing that puppy and at few intervals, I kept getting closer to it...close enough to be able to gently stroke it and it let me do so. I felt loved. A part of me was revived. I smiled from my heart and I was feeling so much at peace. I then spent some more time sandwiched between the mandala on my right and the doggy on my left....

Then I got up as I wanted to actually take a dip in the sea but had cellphone and book with me and had to manage it on my own....so just stood closer to where waves were reaching the shore and I let me feet immerse in it. I enjoyed that for a long while and later moved back up toward the concrete platform and read my incomplete book in the reflecting light from one of the street lamp and a hotel across the street.

I finally felt I was in the moment, as I sat in that breezy shore..reading almost 40 - 50 pages with some great music playing on my phone and me soaking the storyline.

Loop : switch on/ off

There was this particular song (tu aake dekhle) that I heard for the first time in my friend's car while I was on vacation and visiting home.  I don't know what it was..maybe the vacation vibes that matched in the song and made me feel happy and loved or it was the company of friends that my soul yearned for...

(Back in BLR)

It was a friday morning while washing clothes at the terrace under the open sky I was enjoying some good album songs...

I then selected that song and immediately without much thought, turned the 'Loop audio'- On. In that very moment I experienced a deep awareness about how I have been on endless mental trips in a loop...be it a broken relationship, a sour friendship, an uncertain future, questions that were never answered, self criticism ...majorly the discomforting events! One that I keep playing in loop in my mind and then make efforts to get back to the now, ease of a bit, allow myself to be ok....that life happens and that it's a Journey. 

I tell myself, the harder you love or trust the harder it hits back....so that's ok. The beauty of it all is that I experienced and I would probably die empty....coz I loved deeply and believed in people...I put my total faith in them. Rest is their journey too and I need to learn to let go; which I know is the most painful and almost impossible task for me...but possibly life is putting me in this loop for me to give it a try and be easy on self. Life goes on ..whether I wish or no...

So best is to be more aware and tune-in to 'what is not wrong'...put effort to let that be a Loop that I switch on as an auto pilot.

And also know it's all a choice and I am allowed to make one with all my heart and grace.

From the song...(https://youtu.be/16jSQ0xdJKU)

लोग कहते मुझ को ग़लत, मैं रखता तेरी तलब

पर क्या करूँ? तेरी तस्वीरों को देख के उठती तड़प

मैं रोकता खुद को नहीं, आँसू आ जाते हैं

मैं वो नहीं जो करे प्यार किसी से भी नाम का रख के फ़रक़....

Thank you 

A vacation which was no less than home coming

Back in Bangalore, sitting alone and reminiscing about last 10 days of vacation which feels like a jiffy. I am still settling my thoughts and feelings - the euphoria and fun with childhood friends, staying with family & all the cousins plus kids, those late nights with cards games - the cheer and laughters, soulful food and home that felt like a celebration as if it was a marriage :)

My mind isn't able to go back to any particular day or time to make note of, rather jumping from one to another episodes or is hearing voices of sisters and friends, eyes are becoming blurry with happy tears which felt and saw the transition - how the hardest of heart melts at last, how we all get time to converse our truest fears, feeling and worries...how family come together and we each have some traits of the other. How we all find comfort in that togetherness, how the elderly becomes so accepting of life.

Each one of us was welcomed with a lamp and Kumkum tilak, the house was decorated with lamp and lights, event plants bloomed and so did the faces of everyone at home. It's hard to focus and not cry and I also know that each-one of us are feeling the same pain of departing after this vacations. For sisters who are married, i sense the pricelessness of such vacations which are very limited for them where as me (unmarried one) I do not have to think twice to visit home but yes, I do had distanced myself emotionally for a many years and I visited only coz I had to. This time it was different and was more holistic and peaceful. I was immersed in the simple joys of being a masi, bhua, sister, daughter, niece etc. I let go of the limitation of a image I had created for myself, I was flowing freely with each passing day. 

I know I won't be or rather I might end-up oversharing hence will stick to the best of the events that I am able to recall from all that I loved about my vacations with family:

1. Onwards Train journey of 24Hrs. And the successful week at work was a cherry on the cake.
2. Bade papa & Gogo coming to receive me at the station inspite of me asking not to. Some actions gets tattooed on the heart like forever.
3. Meeting and spending one day with Mishu and how she declared me as the most pyaari Bhua for putting Nail-paint for her. 
4. Tiny plants that I had taken from BLR which bade papa added to his nursery and they all were so accommodative of the new environment and bloomed.
5. Evening walk with mom on day 2 and some heart to heart conversations followed by gratitude checklist.
6.  Day 2 - welcoming Bhua and her kids + all the laughter and teasing :). Busy mornings in the kitchen and guest, friends, or some distant relatives visiting which was such a surprise :p
7. So many hampers of home made food items bought by each of the visiting guest, I din't go with anything special though except - ragi powder :(
8. Visit to Bir farm where I sense the pride in Papa's eyes while showing his new land & sharing the grace of God how things came together to favour the purchase and the langar at jiji's homemade Gravy aloo and poori with kheer. All the photoshoot etc
9. Ice-cream & kulfi evenings! with friend and family and later late hour cards game at Neeti's house. <3. Though I only won 50 Rs (lost 650 :D) but thought memories will be precious. 
10. Attending a grand wedding (Manali from seoni) and Mama - Mami's visit plus late night conversations.
11. Visit to vaikunthnagar Dadaji & Dadiji' home. The Humble heart with which they always heal me and my being. I love taking a visit in that varanda and remember my childhood. It was a blessing always.
12. SnapChat face filter on Babaji and kids and endless laughter and how Babaji suggested that we have one for all the demises messages on family chat group :P
13. Two Dinners at the Shree Lalaji kitchen - with Sagar & Family + with Gaurav & all.
14. One day visit to Nani and hogging on delicious pure seasonal fruits - Falsa, Blue berries, Rose apples, mangoes, Raw mango chutney's etc.
15. Pani-puri with friends & Gogo
16. New electric bike purchase from Grover Aunty (221060)
17. The news of Nikita Bhabhi's & vikky Bhaiy's twins! 27th May + Ozzi's Birthday.
18. Local shopping
19. Heart to heart conversation with Papa about Mom and what all is bothering her and some laughter :)
20. Another visit to Farm with Neha and Surana family!
21. All the 4 days of Kachori + samosas & home made Butter + the local freshly baked bread (sachi)
22. Impromptu visit to Omkareshwar and drive with mikki to Indore.
23. Walk, shopping and gifting + coconut crush with Badimummy @Indore and all the picture sharing + Talks.
24. Coincidence that the dates of my last tour home and Omkareshwar matched that from year 2015 and 2022  
25. Dhabha food (singh's Dhaba on Indore highway) with Mikki and munching on local cucumbers + best of 90's songs.
26. 
    

Pics to be updated sooon.....

मरहम की एक झप्पी

लिखना बहुत कुछ है पर शब्द पिरोए नही जारहे,

जस्बाद डगमगा से गए है पर रोके नहीं जारहे हैं,

अपनो के ही शब्द इतने चुभेंगे, पता नही था,

हम मरहम की एक झप्पी की आस बांधे बैठे हैं।

I Understand...

Sometimes we have surpassed the personal limits of feeling any emotion or particularly the grief and that instead of speaking thru heart throbs deep in the gut. And I have been in that state since yesterday.

What am I feeling?

A deep hurt and mostly something like being disowned or discarded.

Contrastingly -   a deep acceptance and understanding too, which only brings peace to my being. And I drop any sort of complaint or ill  thinking and accept.

I understand...

Sometime actions-  one that are well thought about and comes as a decision only after deep introspection. Listening to all the chatters in our heart and mind. 

I understand when we are loving, we have deep held promises to people we love, one who are above us. I understand we have had to move on. I understand we break ties with our own limiting beliefs and patterns and grow beyond. In all that is which goes on in the exterior, we start to understand ourselves deeply too and slowdown. Gulp the bitterness that was a part of our journeys.

As I write this, a part of me is screaming inside in the deepest of my being but because I have also made promises to my own people to be happy and one which they experience thru me.

I am not saying it is the best way to be but that is all I know - to stick to my words and do me. 

I understand it's time being factored too. And I deeply believe it's all working out in the highest good.

I know this too shall pass and life will never be the same at the deeper layers of  my being. Without any answers to my questions, with a hurt that I feel with all the understanding - for you and for me, I let go.

I let go us, I let go you, I let go me- Who I got to know thru you.

Stay blessed.

And I will continue to tell myself - I love you and I'm with you, because when all channels to willingness and communication closes and hope die a death it never should, we can be our own cheer leader.

Some things and situations cannot be understood or explained ......

 I understand...

Railway stations & Nausea from packing before travel

At last, I decided to make myself a cup of ginger cardamom tea. Had developed a bit of headache while doing my travel packing. I wonder if its me alone who has this weird trauma sort of feeling with packing.....especially when I am travelling to my home. I have few hours to my train and may be 60mins to start from home (BLR) but I wanted to attend to this internally shuffling feeling which degrades the whole experience of travel or even the start of vacations.

I start to feel nauseated while I do my packing. Let us understand at what exact point I get to the peak of it or where I actually start to feel it.

I usually will be very happy with the thought to train journey's....I love them. It feels so soulful. So much that when I am in distresses, my mind and body feel home at a railway station. I remember from my childhood days, I had once ran away from home after an ugly argument with mom and went to railway station (probably that was the only place I knew had a library) and bought a story book to run away from my reality. With this I can conclude that Stories are my distraction or in a way my lifeline which eventually - with the extra seasoning of diversity, I find it at a railway stations.

well...getting back to why in the first place I sat to write this blog post. Packing>Nausea> mind> memories> uncomfortable past> emotionally less comforting childhood?

Recollecting some observations from today's packing - I am usually very organised when it comes to packing and making a list is my bible or half the task done. List of all stuff I plan to carry, work I plan to finish, any shopping that would be needed, reminders about things that I should not forget just because they can be packed only on the day of travel, fall back options incase the shopping wasn't successful or I got bored if it etc etc.

Though my list was ready a almost 15day back. Today again I found myself revolving like any lost planet and the open Suitcase is my sun :D. Most of my clothes considering the number of days of stay are packed but still there are tiny items that somehow will be scattered around it and I will be juggling with what to put where and think a step ahead about what if I would need them mid-way in my journey. 

Half of my pressure gets building thinking of what mom would say - if my choice of dresses are ok or no, do I look enough presentable from her point of view? along with thought about my own comfort - Weather, fabric, occasion etc. Somewhere I am not someone who is a natural when it comes to grooming and mostly only in extreme cases of family weddings (long left attending them) and that too if I have the comfort of a beautician I connect to (I mean her/his art). All this leave me totally contradicting to how mom is. Deep down, in my heart I do not want to disappoint her but I feel suffocated when I have to go by what she feeling is the way to be.....in my head and heart - atleast not at a place I know as my home or may be she has already bid a goodbye to me after my college days or since I started working or from my marriageable age. My soul deeply long for the home I had known of. No complaints, but I know people change - sometimes for their own good and sometime without there own wish. The later one brings bitterness and that linger if not accepted. In my case, my being kept moving in and out of that home...that land but my soul yearned for it and it still does (the tears rolling out on my cheeks are louder). 

I must say I feel blessed when I get 3 - 4 calls the day of my travel right from dawn till I reach home (24hrs travel in train) and at the same time I wonder and get scared with the thought of how it would feel if anyone of them is not there.....I hurts and pierce me within but may be life has a way to teach us let go or the same lesson railway stations teaches me - we all are on a journey. 

I need to rush back and get ready. I am not sure if I reached at any conclusion but the out pour of tears relieved me a bit...may be there was something - a feeling, thought or memory I was struggling with and never attended to that and packing bring-out the worst of that and the topped pressure makes it challenging for me where as the exterior is all bliss - after all its vacations, my interior being missed something or someone deeply.

Home which SHE can call her nest

It was a busy morning and a long day at work. I had many seniors leaders visiting the city with a packed schedule and I have to make sure that I stay on top of my work.

As a usual routine, I spend at least 15 minutes to meditate asa I reach office.

Today was no different except a deep unsettling feeling, such that I was struggling to stay put or attend to the meditation guidelines. At a point, inner voice guided attend to the emotion and I took a deep breath, observed the feeling I felt in the body, near chest. After staying with it for some time I just allowed myself to let the core feeling surface and help me come back to normalcy.

To my surprise - It didn't take me long and immediately, the picture of everybody at home and what my aunty (badi mummy) had shared a night before.. while on video call that the house was lit and decorated more like as if it's Diwali. Decorative lights and oil lamps were lit too, neighbor's were asking what special and my uncle (bade papa) said our daughters are coming home 🏠.

Knowing about this loving gesture, even writing about it made me choke with mixed emotions. Of what they go thru when we aren't there, what makes them love us so deep and so much that our hearts will be full for lifetimes, irrespective of their differences with others at home... When it comes to kids/girls it's only love, nothing else. I had to take time to feel the emotions and attend to it else I would have struggled  for the whole day.

With eyes closed, I thanked those loving hearts 💕 and send them more love, joy and health. May every girl be blessed and have a family like this ... a home filled with love which she can call her nest.

Only love, grace and gratitude🙏💝

Have I healed?

So I watched this movie - the Kerala story, a few days back. Obviously, I could not have mustered the courage to watch it alone hence, went with a friend.

Having the presence of the friend by my side somewhere kept me floating, floating in a way that the story line was not something I was getting dunked into ... which usually happens with me in case of intense story-line 

And surely, I thought I would have knot kind of heavy feeling in my gut based on all the reviews I had read or pictured in my head but surprisingly I came out ditatched... definately - not completely; but to major extent.

At this, I was surprised with myself and asked was this an affect from the PLRT I had done recently or that I was too prepared mentally but then there was one visual that left a bit of uncomfortable feeling which I really had to struggle to make peace with... that of women being used as S_x slaves and the dialogue that the scars that rips the souls (for many lives to come) and not just the body. I wondered if I have healed or am I still trapped in a pattern of thinking and feeling a certain way?

These thoughts took me back to a few instances and my mind and heart was at a combat. Heart wanted to ignore but mind caught the facts that lay bare infront of my own eyes and in experience....How do I still stay calm and make peace with the memories, the never ending conflicting thoughts and feelings all about - in the name of love, in the name of belonging, in the name of mine, the ownership of another in a relationship....It makes me question have we - humans lost the beauty and purity of being in love? Of experience Love inside out, not the other way?

Well I haven't found my answers yet or may don't want to as day by day it's all becoming useless and I have had lived enough and long and so deeply that it's ok to let that be. 

All I pray that the hearts stay tuned to the greater beauty of respect and kindness or that of giving them owning of that of trusting than being vengeful. And may this earth continue to grow to be a blessed and better place with each passing moment🙏.

Goodnight.

Maa teri aankho ...

 मां तेरी आंखों में आज वो खुशी देखी,

रूह को नम करदे वो नमी देखी ।

तेरी वो एक चुम्मी से मन खिल सा गया,

आज तेरे चेहरे पे वो – कई सालों पहले वाली मम्मी देखी।

(Me and mummy were on video call while I was at the office. Generally, while talking, she remembered to ask if I transferred some amount to her account and I said yes, it gets credited every month which was a surprise to her and she covered her face with one hand in shock and in wonder and all here transitory expressions at that moment we're so heart touching and I captured that in the above words)

When a Pigeon trusted me with it's wellbeing

 

A sense of maternal town came flooding back

Yesterday my maternal uncle had called to ask me - Tanu if you have time over this weekend and can visit a person at a Government Hospital and if needed, to extend monetary help in my capacity.

To today.

I had just entered the main entrance of Victoria hospital, one closer to the Metro station and headed towards the other gate closer to the children's ward and ICU unit, following Google location shared by Krishna.

On reaching the location, I called Krishna and he said he had seen me and was coming towards me. I turned my head sideways and to my left..a few steps away, I saw him waving at me. He came closer and bowed down as a gesture to touch my feet - a customary greetings from the younger to elderly or a way of expressing respect; it was the later in my case as definitely I wasn't elder to him in anyway but I was the maternal Niece from the town he worked at and he was related to my maternal uncle. In that native (Seoni, Banapura) there is a saying and belief that a Nephew is considered equal to hundred Bhramins and in my case it's the Neice.

Krishna is a daily wager and knows farming. He was working with my maternal uncle at  farm and was in Bangalore to get his two and a half month baby treated who is admitted to ICU for a operation gone wrong.

At that gesture of he bowing down to touch my feet flooded me with feelings and a sense of responsibility towards the place I grew-up, towards such innocent and deeply courageous individuals who sleep under the sky,  on the lap of mother earth and breath to live nothing else; unlike me to earn, eat or dream any fancies of life. They look after mother earth and surrender to her wholeheartedly and are such elevated souls with deeper acceptance for life - such that detachment to materialistic needs comes so easy to them. 

Populace in whom the culture is itched on one's soul such that  he considered me one amongst his own irrespective of it being connected by blood or not at all. Or even haven't ever known or met.

I was and am deeply stirred and wondered what did I do to have been bestowed with so much respect and trust?

Traces on the trails

With no clear direction...I started off this post, I am at the brim of such confusion that I couldn't even decide on a title. At one moment I wanted to complete few old pending posts more from my Ooty travel (last year) but at next, I want to brain-dump all about my eventful life of past few months and then I thought of taking a good note of breezy cool summer evenings but then it rained here (Bangalore) since last three days and summer disappeared and so were my thoughts and at last I thought of taking a stalk of my long weekend and all the self discoveries that I have had in the very recent days....

When there is so much to engage with life at times feel too overwhelming with a certain unseen rush and then the age adds to it...precisely for a girl (per the Doctors, not me).

Anyways, let's look deeper into how am I feeling and how am I really doing in my life. As a continuation to one of my post about past life regression session, I recall that I had filled a form before the session began; it had very clear statement of what is my pattern that I wish to release and gracefully some memories of certain events made me realise my core belief of that of Struggle. Ease is something I do not believe I can experience and If I experience it, I distrust which leads to unconsciously me adding some element of struggle to it. It all may seem so very dramatic but the inner life of beliefs are such thick chains to cut that only I know. Had also written that I want to flow with life easily and effortlessly with grace.

While I was resting this noon, I played some audio from Louise hay and while I was about to slip into a deep nap in my heart I had the urge to check with myself if I even accept myself in totality...with all it's flaws and blessings. The scars, one from this life as far as I can remember to those I carry from the past lives....(when I have all the reasons to believe with the signs I was shown), those that I see and is only known to me to one that the world had perceived me as, do I feel safe within my own skin, my being, my thoughts, my wishes, my likings and deep in my heart? The answer is a simple straightforward NO!. 

And then, I question myself - why?, how do I feel about it? or with that refusal within.....
And right now as I write this, I know my chest feels terribly heavy and breathless. It is hard and tough. The answer to that Why, I may not know or mostly I dread dwelling into it, it hurts. The traces I find, goes back to the days of my childhood days. [a long deep breath and a promise to self, i had accepted and I let go what is no longer support my being]. .....

to be continued....

Humpty Dumpty types fall

So I had to write this to feel relieved from the pain I am experience in the heart and also right thumb because I fell off from my bike in a very dramatic way infront of a veggie store and I was ignored (or i feel it that way😢 coz there was a Missing piece of stone block at the store front walkway.

Later I went to fill petrol and I wasn't sure if I would even be able  to ride my bike that far...but thankfully I could.

There were lot of thoughts running in my head and I had to fix something to get me out of those thoughts so while returning I thought of buying new shoes for my hiking tomorrow....

Actually it all started with another new set of shoes which I had bought online .. colour looked good but I wasn't sure if I will be able to use them for trekking and was a bit panicked as I dint have any other shoes either. 

Something was off with the fitting of the shoes which I got online. And while leaving home itself I had some unsettled feeling which was also triggered by the below message in the evening,  from a friend whom I have had a rough exchange of words this morning.....

(Hmmm... I am still on my way...Just FYI... Something came up yesterday evening due to which I am extremely disturbed... I am not myself and taking time to realign)

Jumping a few events forward one strange thing I noticed, while I was searching from one brand to another for my shoes I had this urge to check what it means to injure ones thumb (from Louise L. Hays books : you can heal your life) and shockingly It says : thumb represents intellect and worry and the affermation to heal was suggested as : my mind is at peace.

This very moment I am laughing in my heart that who in their right mind will not be at peace after having a glorious Humpty Dumpty fall 😅 (but thumb hurts and has become fluffy baby🤕). Aaj mujhe apne thumb ki value pata chal gayi.... everytime it hurts I knew I have to thank it all this years of partnership and ease in my day to day events right from chopping veggies by a holding the knife a certain way and not using a chopping board, to dressing up to even using a key in the 🚪 lock....

Past-life baggages or promises and How I avoided love

Last week I attended a two days past life regression session. To be honest, I am not really sure how far that worked with me but having experimented and experienced life from some of great teachings of Louise L. Hay...I know something did work or surfaced and me participating in that session in itself was a testimony of something working out for me for my higher good.

What let me to this session was - firstly the repeated pattern surfacing be it with my health or relationships.

Secondly,  seems my Dr. and healer had this Divine calling to offer me this 1:1 session inspite of dates being fully booked till September.

Also, early on my book reading journey, I happen to come across -many lives many masters by Dr Brian Weiss on past life regression therapy and his experiences with his patients. And somewhere I believed it and and understood how we go through multiple lives or incarnations  and how certain events nudge us in certain directions to get done with the learnings that soul needs to learn.

My session on D2 was extremely intense with memories emerging as flash of images transitioning from one to another and taking me to places and incarnations I have had not even imagined!. Images of people, places, experiences and even roles as men, women, child, animal or even rescuer. All from times in the past lives when my soul was in the body of many different beings having various day to day interactions and roles being played. What I carried was experiences right before I left my body from those lifetimes. I could go back to an era where I had found some strong resemblance with princess of Mandu Gadh - Rani Roopmati, to an era of battles and I was a warrior and peacefully contemplating the reason of that war (nos. That flashes were 53) and how life evolves and transitions from one life to another.

In one I saw a visual of a black baby whose head was covered with flies/ black bees and who I pulled out of somewhere from a yellowish  soil and his eyes were open but limbs were dried up and extremely skinny. The facilitator ask me if I know the baby and I said no I don't know I was asked to look at myself and if I see something which resonates I said I only see my hands which means maybe I was a rescuer or helper then I was asked to look at the baby right into the eyes I replied that those eyes strangely resemble someone I got to know very recently. I focused into the visual and look straight into the eyes of the baby a seems like was still or lifeless but I got a message saying "I love you mama", do I was into the session at this strange message I choked I had tears dropping one by one from my closed eyes. 

Another such horrifying event was recalled from some 10000 yrs old from where my soul took a engraved memory of believing that love means punishment and sacrifice. I saw that I was badly shamed inform of the society for loving someone and I was painted black and dropped into a pit with so many people (mainly men) and later I was tied to the walls of that dark pit and my private parts were made to be chewed off by a tiger.

After this all I felt exhausted as if It was all too deep and too overwhelming for me to  experienced such long held beliefs, baggages and still struggling to find a way out into my peace into the waking life

The return it all here this just make sense of it all and also give myself enough channels and time to let it all go because maybe I thought I'll be as free and fresh after the session but no waking life is a combination of habits it those believes I had held so long and one which  proved to be the right ones  over and over because I had to believe them.

Post the session it was also brief discussion about my childhood my relationship with my mom how I feel so ignore or maybe abandoned and the underlining believe about relationship or about fear of abandonment froze me over in over. I created situations where either I call for a mess so that I avoid abandonment.

I feel I have a lot to draft from those 2 days sessions but I would want to pause and just breathe. Breath Deep and believe. Believe that I can trust life believe that everything is working out for  my good and for my higher self.

A deep Sigh.....

Titbits : refreshing and tiny joyous moments

Two days back I wanted to write a song for myself.
Early into this thought I got four lines that goes like :

Messy home

Scattered thoughts 

overwhelming emotions and

a struggle to beat them all....

the funny part was that I continued to repeat these lines in my mind with the music stolen from some random movie's title tracks or songs that I believe I have had heard ....and possibly that's why they were accessible from my subconscious brain. But eventually my will was stronger than anything else and I ended-up successfully closing all my office work for the day, Cooking/ ordering, kitchen cleaning and even sorting clothes and getting them ironed ..including the messy to tidy home! so no more that messy song.

In the recent past, I've had many refreshing and tiny joyous moments, and I wanted to capture them in this post and I name it as Titbits of life (for my love of those mouth fresheners)!

1. A Coco-Nutty Affair !

In March, I was trying to increase my hemoglobin levels and stop irregular bleeding. I relied on home remedies and got some groceries delivered. The groceries included dry coconut, jaggery balls, and beetroots. When I opened the package, I realised that I had accidentally ordered two bags of dry coconut and no beetroots. I was tired and didn't feel like dealing with it, so I just put the groceries away. I also told my neighbor, who was on vacation, that she could have some of the extra dry coconut.

A few weeks later, I went to the kitchen to refill some dry coconut. I grabbed the same transparent poly bag with the ease of it being a hard shelled dry coconut but to my shock it was soft and little squishy. I was almost about to scream thinking it to be a dead mouse or something strange in my hand. Then I realised that I had grabbed the beetroot which I had mistakenly added to the store.

I felt silly laughing at myself that day :D 

2. Mallika-e-hemoglobinellanous !

One such day, the cooking gas in my home got over and I had to use my neighbour's kitchen for all my cooking needs and thankfully they weren't there and had given me the house keys. I was hopeful that my gas tank will be changed in a day or two but it got delayed due to my health and me avoiding to lift heavy objects plus, there was a lot of heavy planters around the gas chamber and for that I had to wait for my owner's Son-in-law to get free from his day job and fix it.

One such day I was chatting with my other neighbour while cooking at her home...she asked me what I cooked and I sent her a Pic of my beetroot masala rotti and conversation went like this :)

Me: Making at ur home

She: Okay. What special?

Me: (Shared a pic of pink  beetroot masala rotti ) and asked U?

She: Had food already 🥚

She: Mujhe lagta tum lal aur Hari bhari ho jaogi khoon ke chakkar mein 😂

Me: 🤣

Me: But khoon to aata hi ja raha hai so...🤷‍♀️

She: 😂

Me: Beetrella n palakishious

She: Milake hemoglobinellanous🤣

Me: 🤣🤣🤣🙏🏻

3. Fu_k finger got puffy!

Since a few weekends have been attending tree plantation drive with a group of retired folks who are also rotary club members. While on this drive, last weekend I happened to injure my middle finger of left hand with small Bruce from a metal enclosure which is used as a protective cover around the tender plant and which went unnoticed thru the day unless I stop for breakfast at a small hotel for idly and while washing my hands... I realised there is some sensation on my middle finger and something felt odd when a looked attentively I saw that my middle finger is swollen and a bit near the joint and when I looked at the back of my palm..all  fingers held together I had a slight laugh at myself that it's no other finger but the middle finger which is sadly also known as the f*** finger has got puffed up and the rhyming words made be laugh.

I always feel that God has a very strange way of making me feel the presence by such gestures of pure joy in the most gloomy of times...and I am deeply grateful.💝

Khush hoon me zindagi ki apni is kitaab me.

Khush hoon me zindagi ki apni is kitaab me. 

Tatolti hoon un panno ko jo shayad adhure se reh gaye kuch un-kahe sawal-jawabo me.

kabhi-kabhi sochti hoon ki ye aas-paas ki kamoshi kitni zaroori hai zindagi ki shyaahi k liye

aur kabhi, kuch panno pe ye hi shyaahi shor ke dhabbe chor jaati hai

kuch shor ko shabdo ka sahara miljata hai aur vo tham se jaate hain

to kuch be-parwah goonjte rehate hai...ki shayad kabhi unka bhi kahin kuch arth hoga....

Samay ke saath hum ek adhyay se doosare ki taraf badhte chale jaa rahe hain

aur kabhi पृष्ठ स्मृतिyo (bookmarks) ki madad se thoda ruk kar,  kahani ko ehsaas me laa rahe hain.

ye sil-sila ruk ke chalne ka aur chalkar rukne ka jaari hai.

aur vahi silsila ek ajeeb sa jaadoo bikher deta hai  

to kabhi yaad dilati hai -  jab hum akhri shabd piro rahe honge....shayad ye kitaab Padhenge sab us din.

How it felt - the inner dialogues

Today while enroute to office, I was reflecting at a lot of things and events that took place in my life and in one or the other way had a lasting impact on me. The Family I was born in, the relationship I share with my parents, the friends I have or had, the fears I developed, the resistance I build as a safety mechanism, the flexibility I denied to feed my belief system and foster it into a reality, Life that I understood and thought as mine, the people I connect at work and growth as a person I encountered, if not during my academics. Towards the tail of my travel, I had a bout of mixed emotions happiness for the life it is and the beauty and variety of it and yet the balancing factor in challenges that it throws at us.... I wiped my tears and got ready to be at work after a distracted two months which in a way bought a lot of discipline in me more so for my emotional wellbeing. 

I also wanted to write about a few episodes that still triggers and may be by the way of writing them, I let them be and allow my sanity & peace to stay intact.

1. On that last call I was told - I will never be a botheration in your life.
How it felt (in my heart, to me) : I got what I aimed at and I no longer need you. You are no-where close to my expectations of you or (anyone in that place in my mind and heart). I had had enough to deal with, in my life and you were a good healthy distraction till that time. I tried to contact you but never felt the need to intensify it with the feelings that I expressed before getting you. I had learned the lesson in life - never chase relationships and live my life with no-regrets - One day at a time.

2. On that call with mom...(Where I was so sure that me sharing my life's events (hard ones & Good ones) will give us the platform to grow together emotionally.) - I told her that I suspect hormonal imbalance which is triggered by emotions.
response I got - You have decided not to connect with one person (get married) and as a result you end-up connecting or getting close to many people and get hurt and a imbalance is bound to happen.
How it felt (in my heart, to me) : You are a girl and you should always be reminded of your limits. Anything (not-so-good) happens, it's your fault and no-one else. You din't choose to marry is the root cause of all your problems. You have no-right to be heard, consoled, loved (especially whenever you seek & desire it the most). The more you come to me with you broken pieces, the more I will assure you - I am not emotionally available to you.

P.S. This is in no manner a complaint to or for mom, but just the release of inner dialogues to feel relieved of that pain I carry and allow myself the freedom to love her unconditionally for bringing me up this well. 

....Sometimes the deeper wisdom of life hits differently, it chokes and also makes you feel elated at the sametime topped with tears bubbling-up in eyes out of nowhere. It bring-forth the fact of impermanence of life. It prepares one to be more open to acceptance of life's events, people and flow. It also helps us see ourselves as mere beautiful beings capable of making choices - Choices to pause when needed, Choices to get-up and live again, to dream, to forgive and love more, to know that life can be created at any moment as the consciousness arrises and that your truth is purely yours and no-one's else to know or understand.

I feel deeply grateful for this time to be able to jot-down my feelings and thoughts. And I love. 💖

How little did I know of my body & it's way of communicating to me

Considering this is my safe space and to heal by the way of writing, I can let a piece of my heart (My feelings, my pains, my fears etc) out here.

Currently I am in a limbo with a certain condition that is recurring in my body. To be precise it all started closer to 3rd feb and is going-on till date (27th March). My body released a lot of blood...I don't know if it was impure or pure but it continued. The initial days were ok with me expecting my cycle (women's monthly cycle) but the episode never stopped, Body continued to go on and on and on. Endless visits to the washroom, seeing the pot filled with red fluid creates a mental trauma. Especially the mind finds it easier to connect it to some horrifying cooked-up story even though diagnosis is in process.

This lead me to find a Gyno for myself and she gave me a list of many scans, tests etc to be done. Which I did to found few new things happening internally and that my Hb was low. I was put on few english meds which I have a massive mental aversion to but I took as it was needed for survival. My other GP had initially asked for a Scan and later suggested a few meds and if post meds the symptoms persist, I should get a D&C done. But later she sensed (as a healer too) that it's all good and nothing to worry. During one of my consultations, she also suggested that I do an ancestral healing  as something seems to be there from my past.  A lot took place within this time or upto this date. I learned about my body in ways I had never known. As the impact area is Uterus, I wondered how I knowingly ignored my being as a women and for women - change is the only constant. I took refuge or found solace in just avoiding or seeing them in light of horror than as the possibilities they were. My deep rooted fears surfaced and reaffirmed my beliefs. I din't know what to do how to console myself. I only knew to run away or avoid as a language to find peace....of mind and heart.

But underneath this all, my body suffered....silently, never-ever complaining just walking along and enabling me. I wonder if I even deserve that deep affection it portrayed for my soul.

I learned about womb, about how in shamanic culture - Mother-earth, womb, water and moon are all connected. I meditated to seek blessings and to allow healing. I consciously meditated to allow release all promises, I would have made to my ancestors - knowingly or unknowingly and which may now need a release. 

It also surprised me how completely my focus has been pulled-in by the very organ of this wonderful body I neglected or had completely no awareness about. How I am reborn with new light and understanding, the fears dissolving with acceptance and willingness to allow and unfold as life desires it for me.

I also want to acknowledge that days had become so depressed and low, I wept and lay in bed for days...I consulted a therapist to know more about myself as I felt a weird pause in my life. A void. A deep quite hollow. And only with the help of that one friend and light which held my hand, made numerous Dr. visits, searched Dr. for me, kept aside his own pain or conditions to assure me that all is well and all will be fine. I cannot imagine me being alive in these last few months without his comforting presence, understanding heart to hear me out always, to be un-biased about anything I behave or be like, to show me that love exist and that I am good and all is well. I tear-up as I write this...there is a wave of deep emotions of gratitude and also a bit of doubt which asks what did I do to deserve this love and consideration. 

How my world exists outside the world I am born around and I am now choking and cannot do justice to the emotions I am feeling so I will pause here.

My prayer is and will always be that - May everyone know, believe and have that someone -  to love them unconditionally, to be their light in tough times, to be their voice in times that choke, to be a mind and heart that believe in miracles,  to be a hand that comforts you in the warm embrace and say all is well and everything will be all-right. 💖💖

 

Following the pictures

Some stories reveal themselves thru the window of the heart💖

--

Those countless walks - every morning and evening, that I took along the promenade beach.

 Those deep conversations with the moon, the shore, the moonlit ambience 💖

Somewhere this also reminded me of the uterus scan I got done. Magical.

--

Solo Kayak @the Mangroves - A gift to myself on last day of my Pondy visit :)

--

The most amazing experience and chance to get to star gaze & watch full moon -- Almost like a misty crystal ball💖

--

The treat to my soul @Le Cafe over hot chocolate and some writing to heal & bring perspective💖

--

Mesmerising everyday view of Venus & Jupiter Conjunction. 💖

--

In it's vibrant self - The shore, the waves. 💖

--

This one is my most Favourite one! From Auroville.  

When I attended Healing Sound Bath with Ashesh (the healer)💖

The experience made me feel as if It opened-up my heart chakra :)

--

Day 2 - the book reading at Park under the bliss-full shade of a flowering tree and soft mud around it. 💖

--

Day 3 - Morning sight which is so deep. 

The full moon morning

 

Danced the dance of my soul

If I have not danced the dance of my soul,

If I have not enacted the story of my role,

Will I be able to die empty?

If I have not danced the dance of my soul,

If I have not enacted the story of my role,

Wouldn't it be too much to take along?

I'm such that I often tred the mainstream...

But without experiences.. depth of expression is none

Then, how will I die empty?

 By indulging in it all?

From known to unknown

Whether one is waiting for a response, a diagnosis  or a decision it definitely puts one self in the limbo. Me being on this boat currently in many aspects of life and experiencing the bouts of anxiety or aimlessness, I wonder what lies beneath this superficial feeling?

Knowing that there could only be two possibilities on each extremes -  either in my favour or say which I am at ease with due to the clarity I have or one that will throw me in to the unknown. But will I be able to deal with it in all my humanity? to understand the depth of the instance, carve a new direction and transform it all (if possible) in the the direction of 'known'.

Knowing me, I will definitely choose the easy one first  - avoidance that I have knowingly or unknowingly nurtured all thru my life. The avoidance of discomfort. I was made aware of it very recently by one of the therapist who patiently heard me out. 

I ask myself - if this awareness makes me more grounded, comfortable in this state of getting into the unknown? May not completely, but what it does is - It reminds me that I do have analytical abilities and if I wish I should own and feel comfortable to make use of it, take baby steps and not be judgmental or cynical about the decisions I take or results I bear.

Pointlessness to Purpose

I walked upto the coastal dune of Marvante beach which was just few lanes behind my friend's home at Navunda. There was this - isolated portable shelter made of satin cloth supported by four poles forming a hollow cube, visually. The rain-fly was a discarded decor piece, one commonly see at Indian weddings. It had frills stitched in concentric circles at the centre and four angular shapes around it covering each of the four corners. The contrasting outer frill gave a feeling of festivity and celebration which was accentuated by the gentle sea breeze fueling life underneath it's shade. 

In that wee morning hour at Navunda; sitting alone in the shade with my back rested to one of the wooden pole, I experienced a rush of overflowing thoughts - of that of acquired vision of how to best use this me time. I felt so overwhelmed that I froze and my mind din't know what to make of it ...it almost felt like an obligation than a moment to cherish and just be.

Subconsciously fighting those preset ideas and feeling blank about what I want, I decided to  navigate the situation by engaging my senses...and started with that of touch - by walking along the shoreline, allowing muddy waves and froth to submerge my feet and flow back leaving me little more aware.

As I walked in one direction, I was constantly drawn to the sound of tall waves forming somewhere  at a far distance in middle of the sea past me. They were attuned to the onset of the bright day post Mahashivrathri and the refreshing aqua-marine color - visible in the crest got enhanced in that fleeting moment mid-air distracted me from the engagement I had with the touch and added another thread to the ongoing juggle in mind and heart - to continue to walk or just peacefully and playfully stare at those waves.

I went back to the tent in some shade and continued to be in awe and at those waves almost effortlessly. I wanted to allow this experience to go deeper and multifold and hence I closed my eyes and visualised the formation of those waves and tried to match it with the sounds I hear. I struggled! and I was being too pushy to get it right and somewhere was little scared of those featherlight scorpios popping in and out of the wet sand around me and had scary visuals of them getting in my pyjamas.🙈

Out of no-where it all settled down. I noticed that the thud of the big wave marked the breathing-in my body and withering away of the waves on both sides with the ripple sound, to that of the breathing-out. It felt magical. Just this awareness and settlement within as if I was yearning deeply to get to this and it almost happened effortlessly.

This deep found momentary happiness instigated me to call Mom-Dad to show them the beach and Dad picked-up the call (You see connection! 💘). He loved watching the sea waves and expressed that he would love to be in such place for a week when he would visit me and do nothing just be. Then I called-up my friend who introduced me to beaches :).

After those calls, my attention drifted towards the swell waves closer to the shore moving swiftly and rising a bit with each forward move... I was enthralled. At that moment, I was absent yet in-sync within. This new awareness brought me to think about everything that at times appeared to be absolutely pointless - The connections with people, places, songs or even smell. The yearning to see or feel that someone by your side. The lost contacts where the communication is missing but one desirably or undesirably visits those special moment's lived together. The pain we tend to avoid, happiness we sometimes deprive ourselves of and believing it is for anyone else but me. Every single thing, episode eventually starts to make sense in the bigger scheme of life. Thus, paving way for the deeper purpose of one's life.

What is beautiful about writing

Past few weeks I have been chasing the episodes of Jane the Virgin on Netflix and noticed how it has become one inseparable part of my-life.

Like for people, at times, I dread that the series would get over soon and I will be left hanging in the same mundane life of work, eat, sleep... work or contemplate my life, actions or choices. 

Well, at the E32 of S2 (episode 32 of Season 2), I had this euphoric moment when I felt a deep resemblance to the lead character - Jane and in particular the writer in her. Her untiring efforts towards acing the dream to be a novelist while also balancing the new Mommy role 💖. I adore how her character draws the inspiration from all the crazy events that took place and turn it into a well-turned piece of Thriller, Mystery, Si-fi  only to know from her advisor that the task was given to her to break her limitations and at last was advised to choose Romance for her assignment. So thoughtful! isn't it?

While watching that episode - when Jane was attending to her writing - 'Romance' and how the cinematography portrayed Jane's thoughts as visuals....my horizons were broadened experientially and I got my title to this post :). I realised how writing can be extremely therapeutic (which my therapist advised or gave assignments for), immensely healing and a catalyst in broadening ones understanding of life, experience or even fantasies in the most harmless ways. And can bring order to chaotic situations by simple way of brain-dump and reflection.

(Photo: The CW)

And for me, what is more beautiful is :

• It lifts my spirits and this is one tiny thing that I do for purely myself as if I am one with myself holistically, truthfully and it challenges me in ways I never knew it would ....eg. I have a mental image about what I want to write but don't know what word, phrase or tone would fit, or a word just appears magically and I look for it's meaning to know that it fits perfectly on the canvas of my story and sometimes I stumble upon a new word or even a writeup while searching for something else and I get transported and in awe. 
  
  
• It's a gift to me from the supreme - from my past into my present, an ode to my lineage.
  
  
• Even when I think of decor or craft - I associate myself with written words and different fonts. I am always amazed how different font style infuses moods in writing. 
  
  
• Words - spoken, written, sung or touched can help us craft our lives. 
  
  
• Neither all writing can be written nor all can be understood in one lifetime :). The more we co-exist, the more we learn and more we evolve.
  
  
• It all starts with writing .......in each era. 

Well, getting back to Jane the virgin -  this beautifully written light hearted telenovela has many lessons for me at this age of my life and I feel so blessed that the morning affirmations - 'Everything is working out for me' actually worked in the most unsought and creative ways...exactly as if it was meant for me  :)

 I am deeply grateful for this time and experience sharing. 

More love & grace <3