Home Coming

I am writing this from my hometown and was about to wrap-up for the day and head to bed.

A thought crossed my mind...why is it that I feel terrible emptiness inspite of being home I feel hollow. There is always a longing....a deep strong longing for a place/ feeling or moments called home.

Even though I am blessed and born in a  wonderful family,  I feel I do not belong. I continue to seek a time when I am so immersed in living each moment with such grace and  solitude as if life is a canvas and I am a painting. A free expression! - Unharmed, unalarmed and flowing effortlessly.

This very thought of emptiness pinched me...my breath spoke louder than my emotion and tears were born. I returned home. Heart felt alive, I could breath deep and light. It all felt surreal but was indeed true.

What - a 'Promise' like that entails?

Long ago, when I was taking a leap into the real world,
When I was leaving behind -
the only faces I had known...
the only feelings I was surrounded with
...of that of care and concern, of that of affection and forgiveness.

 I made a promise to myself,
 to 'takecare of me'.
 Without knowing what this promise entails...

Beneath the very thought of that promise, was a firm feeling...
a feeling of reassurance.
something so surreal as if my emotional body has come together to make 'me' aware of it.

Today, almost after a decade and more, when I reflect on that promise
I wonder if I have been able to honour that promise...
what that whole episode meant to me
how do I describe it. 
does it even exist?
or was it some sort of passing thoughts while one is growing up.
if it was there, how did it help?

Indeed, without knowing what that promise entailed...
I began to assess the prominent events of my life, 
Those, that are capable of altering ones consciousness ..
Event by event, thought by thought, it began to Unravel.

Today, the distance from my decade old self gives me an edge to clearly distinguish the subtle endurance that laid all thru.

The self promise entailed..
Acceptance! that there would be emotional turbulence,
Somedays you will have reasons and some days a longing for an answer..

Knowing how to be courageous about change
of that of known places, people, feelings, comforts and above all the very self I knew of me.

that - eventually emerging more strongly is the way, always.
from all the hurt that brought you to ashes...and that it was all for ones growth.

That there will be tussle within, in search of a balance - from that of your psyche and the social demands while being the one coexisting with that social setting. 

at times you might feel humiliated coz of the moral boundaries you set for yourself whereas the free spirit continue to dwell in it’s own pristine understanding and flow of life.

that you would have never wanted to grow-up. Always wanted to feel shielded and cared for, but you wakeup to a day when the very world around you is embracing wrinkles, not a bit would say that it is seeking the reciprocation of love and care...but you will have to allow yourself to be.

In a nutshell, how much we say we are grown-up...a part of us always wanted to kindle the innocence, hold on to the known and the self promise entailed HOPE.