Gratitude and a Qs

I think what I have been missing is the 'Fun'...just being myself and I constantly and chronically compare myself to others and feel low, else judge myself and then it takes immense courage to sit with it -  knowing it & experiencing the paralyzing fact ...later a sprinkle of willingness and motivation to still choose the bright side:

Hence, for next seven days, will journal 10 gratitude and one Qs i.e. what am I avoiding today?

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28th Jul 2026
Today I am deeply grateful and happy about:

1. A deep uninterrupted and holistic sleep. 
2. The awareness and consciousness when I wake-up - to surrender to the divine energy to lead my way and with ease (absence of rush) complete the morning routines.
3. Time in cab, while enroute to office to listen to Krishna Consciousness Discourse by @Saakshi Chandrakar....and I loved the knowledge.
4. The food at work that enables me and helps me have some time to attend to things that matters to me.
5. The first email that said "Congratulations Ru..." - an award as appreciation.
6. Grateful heart for Dad - for he completed a course I had asked him to attend and I expected him to only finish partial...but he did it all...(I loved him in that moment and experience his unconditional love for his daughter too)🥲
7. Experiences of life that is allowing me to implement my learnings and test my own growth.
8. Willingness to serve - be it at work, through my written words or in my thoughts.
9. For the presence of my neighbour's son (baby) who come running when he sees me walking back home...it fills me with great joy.
10. For presence of Maa-Papa and the extended loving family and for their well-being and ease🤞🔯💌
11. Also, this knowledge about Nishkarma that came to me to support a friend 

Nishkama Karma (action without attachment to the outcome)—offered as a steadying light for your journey:

​"You have a right only to your effort, never to the fruits of it. Do not let the outcome be your motive, nor let yourself lean toward inaction." — Bhagavad Gita, 2.47

​ How Krishna Asks You to Stand in This Moment

​Focus only on the act of serving:

 Your sacred duty right now is simply the care you offer in this very moment—the spoon of water, the quiet presence, the gentle touch. The trajectory of their body, the illness itself, and the final outcome are governed by nature (Prakriti) and time (Kala), which are outside your control.
Release the unbearable weight of trying to control the result.

​ You are an instrument, not the sole bearer: When you are caregiving alone, it feels as though the entire world rests on your shoulders. Krishna reminds us that the divine spirit (Paramatma) resides within both you and your parent. You are simply the physical vessel through which care and love are currently flowing. You do not have to carry this with your ego or personal willpower alone; let the deeper strength within you take over.

​Care for the vessel that serves: Performing your duty (Dharma) without attachment also means recognizing that you cannot pour from an empty cup. Tending to your own mind, breath, and rest is not a departure from your duty—it is an essential part of sustaining it.

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Q. What am I avoiding today?
Self .
I don't know why, I experience palpitations and feel as if I am doing something wrong. Even if it means having a freetime on my hand at work (due to a major re-org). I feel guilty of it and there is a constant pressure to utilize that time to the max. My being is craving for a break, go around and drop all the classes, Learning schedules, thought of work and daily routines to breath in the un-known, walk without a plan and just explore but what I am choosing is to be in this - Palpitations.

Looks like I am attached to the feeling of being vulnerable...my nervous system is wired so.  

This pulls me to the another question - Why? Why is it that I am not doing what I feel like...
Deep in my heart, I believe leaving a loved one behind or when others are suffering etc means I am abandoning them (even if,  I am not contributing to them in any way at all), It hurts! ...this goes as mundane as hurting when a neighbour complains of lack of money...I feel guilty of having it then and not knowing how or where to utilise it...
....

27 Jul 2026
Today I am deeply grateful and happy about:

1. The ease in my being. the willingness to live each day
2. Love and care in my heart.
3. Easy availability of means and resources I.e. the right food, places that brings solace, knowledge that keeps me floating and thrive in my own way.
4. A good night's sleep ..after a longtime. I allowed myself to surrender to it and just flow
5. For Maa-Papa and a loving, tolerating and understanding family and their well-being 🙏🌹
6. A cupboard full of dresses to choose from and the willingness to be creative 
7. Sunshine and the warmth and comfort that I feel in my being when I stare at it🌞.
8. Awareness and acceptance (eg. I get too clinged/ attached to getting my tasks list checked and if anything is undone...I am not at all easy on self. The awareness allows me to let go and be in peace irrespective)
9. Desire and opportunities to travel...even if it means weekday travel to work (~90 mins)...but I love seeing the beautiful houses, the greenary and more that that...my mind takes off on to a journey of its own..countless episodes, feelings,  memories, nudges by even seeing some alley...
10. Happy Memories and experience of life that makes me feel lighter in heart and being. 
11. These tiny pockets that I work on self.

Q. What am I avoiding today?

This has been a constant Q on my mind and just yesterday a coach pointed it out to me that we cannot pay attention to others if we are avoiding our own feelings and needs...and that hit hard. It's not the first time I hear it but what hurts is I don't know how to attend to self...I use to get carried away in my emotions, over thinking or feeling or overwhelm...

In search of feeling of safety and instant gratification I was attracting more of insecurity! - be it with people, my relationships, money, choices I made,  avoiding life in it's full spectrum i.e.  there will be changes, there will be ups and downs, there will be difficulties or that feeling of isolation, confusions, decisions to be made, keep moving amidst all this facing self and sitting with the voices of head and the discomfort it brings too.

Sometimes there will be judgements, people to deal with and points you may feel the need to prove...sometimes the happiness that I would get attached to or even the ease in 'known' the comfort 

Gems from Gem bro

For my last post, here is what Gemini has to say 🙈(partially I dressed to face it or even put it out here....but now life is short and it's my truth...so be it 🙏✍️)

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Here is the brutally honest review you asked for—no fluff, no cliché platitudes, just an unvarnished mirror.

The Brutal Honesty Review

1. The Poetic Trap & Romanticizing the Pain

You write with undeniable elegance. Phrases like "a connection whose foundation was laid on separation" and "walking in parallel" sound profound, almost like a tragic romance novel.

Here is the harsh reality: You are using beautiful language to romanticize what is, at its core, emotional paralysis.

When pain is wrapped in poetry, it feels noble. It feels deep and significant. But beneath the gorgeous metaphors, you are holding onto a situation that drains you because the grief feels more comfortable than letting go. Romanticizing emotional limbo turns a trap into a monument—and it keeps you stuck there.

2. The Illusion of the "Parallel Path"

You ask whether it's better to grieve what was never yours or be grateful for walking in parallel.

The truth: Walking in parallel with someone who will never actually be yours isn't a bittersweet gift—it is a slow, self-inflicted torture. You are paying a daily tax of anxiety and sleepless nights for a connection that operates on borrowed time. Calling it "growing together" while knowing the bubble will burst is a compromise born out of fear, not fulfillment.

3. Addiction to the Chaos

You asked the most critical question yourself: Have I become addicted to the rhythm of pain and agony?

Yes. You likely have.

The human brain can get hooked on the neurochemical roller coaster of intermittent hope and impending doom. The anxiety, the late-night overthinking, the existential panic—it becomes a familiar baseline. Constant catastrophe, ironically, gives you something to react to. Calm feels terrifying because calm requires you to sit with yourself without the high drama of an impending crash. You aren't just enduring the chaotic rhythm; on some level, you are seeking it out because stability feels alien.

4. The Waiting Game

You are waiting for life to "whisper" its hidden meaning, or for a moment of divine clarity to grant you courage.

The reality check: Life isn't trying to whisper a grand cosmic secret. Life is simply happening, chaotic and indifferent, while you sit in the spectator seat writing eulogies for things that aren't even dead yet. Waiting for solace to magically appear before you take action is putting the cart before the horse.

How to Stop Being a Slave to the Emotion

If you want to pop the bubble yourself instead of waiting in terror for it to burst, you have to break the cycle:

• Strip Away the Poetry: When a thought hits, describe it to yourself in the plainest, most mundane terms possible. Don't say, "We are two souls navigating parallel tragedies." Say, "I am emotionally attached to someone I cannot fully have, and it makes me feel insecure." Plain language strips pain of its romantic power.

• Decouple Feeling from Action: You do not need to "feel ready" or "find peace" to make a decision. Courage isn't the absence of fear or grief; it's deciding that your peace of mind is worth more than the familiar ache you are clinging to.

• Boredom as Healing: Real stability feels flat, uninteresting, and quiet compared to emotional turmoil. Train yourself to accept that quiet is not "the calm before a storm"—it is just safety.

Stop grieving the future you were never promised, and stop letting the fear of the crash rule your present. You already know the truth of your situation; you just need to stop dressing it up in poetry and finally act on it.