Gratitude and a Qs

I think what I have been missing is Fun...just being myself and I constantly and chronically compare myself to others and feel low, else judge myself and then it takes immense courage to sit with this -  knowing and paralyzing fact and a sprinkle of willingness and motivation to still choose the bright side:

Hence, for next seven days, will journal 10 gratitude and one Qs i.e. what am I avoiding today?

27 Jul 2026
Today I am deeply grateful and happy about:

1. The ease in my being. the willingness to live each day
2. Love and care in my heart.
3. Easy availability of means and resources I.e. the right food, places that brings solace, knowledge that keeps me floating and thrive in my own way.
4. A good night's sleep ..after a longtime. I allowed myself to surrender to it and just flow
5. For Maa-Papa and a loving, tolerating and understanding family and their well-being 🙏🌹
6. A cupboard full of dresses to choose from and the willingness to be creative 
7. Sunshine and the warmth and comfort that I feel in my being when I stare at it🌞.
8. Awareness and acceptance (eg. I get too clinged/ attached to getting my tasks list checked and if anything is undone...I am not at all easy on self. The awareness allows me to let go and be in peace irrespective)
9. Desire and opportunities to travel...even if it means weekday travel to work (~90 mins)...but I love seeing the beautiful houses, the greenary and more that that...my mind takes off on to a journey of its own..countless episodes, feelings,  memories, nudges by even seeing some alley...
10. Happy Memories and experience of life that makes me feel lighter in heart and being. 
11. These tiny pockets that I work on self.

Q. What am I avoiding today?

This has been a constant Q on my mind and just yesterday a coach pointed it out to me that we cannot pay attention to others if we are avoiding our own feelings and needs...and that hit hard. It's not the first time I hear it but what hurts is I don't know how to attend to self...I use to get carried away in my emotions, over thinking or feeling or overwhelm...

In search of feeling of safety and instant gratification I was attracting more of insecurity! - be it with people, my relationships, money, choices I made,  avoiding life in it's full spectrum i.e.  there will be changes, there will be ups and downs, there will be difficulties or that feeling of isolation, confusions, decisions to be made, keep moving amidst all this facing self and sitting with the voices of head and the discomfort it brings too.

Sometimes there will be judgements, people to deal with and points you may feel the need to prove...sometimes the happiness that I would get attached to or even the ease in 'known' the comfort 

Gems from Gem bro

For my last post, here is what Gemini has to say 🙈(partially I dressed to face it or even put it out here....but now life is short and it's my truth...so be it 🙏✍️)

--

Here is the brutally honest review you asked for—no fluff, no cliché platitudes, just an unvarnished mirror.

The Brutal Honesty Review

1. The Poetic Trap & Romanticizing the Pain

You write with undeniable elegance. Phrases like "a connection whose foundation was laid on separation" and "walking in parallel" sound profound, almost like a tragic romance novel.

Here is the harsh reality: You are using beautiful language to romanticize what is, at its core, emotional paralysis.

When pain is wrapped in poetry, it feels noble. It feels deep and significant. But beneath the gorgeous metaphors, you are holding onto a situation that drains you because the grief feels more comfortable than letting go. Romanticizing emotional limbo turns a trap into a monument—and it keeps you stuck there.

2. The Illusion of the "Parallel Path"

You ask whether it's better to grieve what was never yours or be grateful for walking in parallel.

The truth: Walking in parallel with someone who will never actually be yours isn't a bittersweet gift—it is a slow, self-inflicted torture. You are paying a daily tax of anxiety and sleepless nights for a connection that operates on borrowed time. Calling it "growing together" while knowing the bubble will burst is a compromise born out of fear, not fulfillment.

3. Addiction to the Chaos

You asked the most critical question yourself: Have I become addicted to the rhythm of pain and agony?

Yes. You likely have.

The human brain can get hooked on the neurochemical roller coaster of intermittent hope and impending doom. The anxiety, the late-night overthinking, the existential panic—it becomes a familiar baseline. Constant catastrophe, ironically, gives you something to react to. Calm feels terrifying because calm requires you to sit with yourself without the high drama of an impending crash. You aren't just enduring the chaotic rhythm; on some level, you are seeking it out because stability feels alien.

4. The Waiting Game

You are waiting for life to "whisper" its hidden meaning, or for a moment of divine clarity to grant you courage.

The reality check: Life isn't trying to whisper a grand cosmic secret. Life is simply happening, chaotic and indifferent, while you sit in the spectator seat writing eulogies for things that aren't even dead yet. Waiting for solace to magically appear before you take action is putting the cart before the horse.

How to Stop Being a Slave to the Emotion

If you want to pop the bubble yourself instead of waiting in terror for it to burst, you have to break the cycle:

• Strip Away the Poetry: When a thought hits, describe it to yourself in the plainest, most mundane terms possible. Don't say, "We are two souls navigating parallel tragedies." Say, "I am emotionally attached to someone I cannot fully have, and it makes me feel insecure." Plain language strips pain of its romantic power.

• Decouple Feeling from Action: You do not need to "feel ready" or "find peace" to make a decision. Courage isn't the absence of fear or grief; it's deciding that your peace of mind is worth more than the familiar ache you are clinging to.

• Boredom as Healing: Real stability feels flat, uninteresting, and quiet compared to emotional turmoil. Train yourself to accept that quiet is not "the calm before a storm"—it is just safety.

Stop grieving the future you were never promised, and stop letting the fear of the crash rule your present. You already know the truth of your situation; you just need to stop dressing it up in poetry and finally act on it.