End of a month long break & patience with family dynamics

Started on 5th May n returning back on 5th June...

The whole thing was planned as a possible break from the consuming identity of work life, getting to spend more time adjusting to home environment and family... Just in case I decide to quit.

How weird it is when quitting appears easy and doable but it is also the only escape available and known and pays!! A world of economics ;)

A month passed by in time spent with nephew, niece, a few naturopathy routine, home made food, mangoes from farm and local harvest, a bit of hair care, work from home, visiting Naani's house and the highlight was - train travel to Rajasthan for paying out visit to our family Deity Osiyanji (Sacchiyay Mata) and also stay over at Shree Nakoda Ji. 

Over all it was the best time and best part was the stay at Nakoda ji with luxury stays, wonderful food and hills all around! exactly the place I was yearning for and take family along. The way it all came true was magical!

Then came the last day of my stay and there was a weird outburst of anger and disagreement and resentment etc...and I lost control both on my words, emotions and feelings...

In my numbness, extreme resentment, rage, I left all that she had packed for me and left home with the promise that I will never ever visit it for this long ...ever again and that it was waste of my efforts and time. I even told her that she is spoiling her own life due to comparison she is building in every area of her life and relationships and that it's damaging her!

I overlooked mom's knee pain. I told Dad enough is enough—that I am tired, that I have given up on trying to fix this mother-daughter relationship.

My eyes get teary as I write this. I wonder, are these crocodile tears? Perhaps being deeply self-critical has become my second nature; after all, we all need an addiction, right? I wasn't even surprised to find myself numb to the pain of someone I thought I loved deeply.

I wanted to write this the moment it happened, but I was suffocating. I was puzzling through the grief. What exactly am I mourning? Is it time passing? Is it leaving home for nowhere to go but a job that successfully destroyed my remaining emotional attachments? Is it the comparisons I fall prey to in social situations? Or is it the misalignment between who I am, and who the world—and my mother—thinks I should be?

Well, whatever...this is the life I have and I am suppose to live and so be it, will see how far I can go with dreams and ease...and a reminder to make my cells feel alive and worthy...

One deep breath at a time! 
One moment of reparenting at a time.
One moment of raw confrontation with self and acceptance.
One event of letting go and being.

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And I write this from Mitti! My new found home...

~a nomad Me!

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A tree that witnessed my childhood.

 

A tree that witnessed my childhood. 

One who witnessed the onset of most of my summer holiday ritual...

 One that was also a landmark for us - Me and Mommy, whenever we would wait for the train, the one that would take us to my maternal Uncle's family... Every summer.

This tree was the one Papa would always ask us to stay put near, sit on the katte (ootla) stone, under the cool shade of this huge blooming tree.

Day before, when waiting at the same station, I walked past this chopped tree, my heart sank in guilt and I felt responsible for it's lifelessness or it being chopped off... This was too heavy a weight for me to bear and my breath became shallow and short...

I was there to board my train to visit Nani's place over the weekend and this sight was so depressing that I went into the hyper loop of loosing things I love, may be soon I might start to loose the people I grew-up with ...etc

Anyways, another bolt was when I saw a similar chopped stem of another giant Peepal tree at the deboarding station..:(

Scorching summer, this human behaviour and my heart that bleeds so often...makes me feel helpless or may be I feel hopeless than being helpless...

Something in me is completely dead and aloof...