Maa, Like a cello tape to the torn mat of my life.
We both were about to sit for dinner and usually, we sit on floor to eat; I got a call, from my friend whose call I had missed a couple of times, so I dialed her.
Mom, was arranging food and plates for our dinner and was about to sit, meantime I was having soup and was on call. Suddenly mom, started to cry in pain from the sprained nerve in her knee while she was about to sit down. She was fixated in that half laid pose, and wasn't able to move her right knee.
We both decided that we shall see if it's ok for some time, else we look for medical aid. We ate dinner, I cleaned the dishes and kitchen; got on few office calls...she was watching a movie from my laptop and later when I came back to her room, she said she isn't able to move and wanted to use washroom.
For almost 45 mins we struggled ...first to lift her up to make her sit on the bed from floor and then to straighten her back on bed so that she can lie down straight. I checked a few YouTube shorts to see how to unlock a locked knee...she also felt related and wanted to try that herself but she was struggling. In that whole episode I went thru a million thoughts and emotions and observations and I am deeply surprised by my own evolution at emotional level.
I noticed she wasn't able to trust me or completely give-in to the moment, I checked what am I feeling and I was at ease and at heart I knew there wasn't anything serious with her knee, In and out, I experienced bit of pain and sadness for lack of her validation and trust but I spoke to myself and told, for now you are the only support to her and you need to stay calm and understand she is experiencing pain and her behaviour is bound to be such. I was observing things thru the lens of a mother's wound, knowing that it is passed from generations and how it would have impacted her? At moments and a few times earlier I had this thought - did my birth took away my Mom's freedom? Was she even willing to have me as her baby or was she into it, out of her obligation to family, society etc....,
Then I got back to the current moment and messaged a nearby Physiotherapist and seeked his forgiveness for disturbing at this hour (slightly toward 11.15pm). He was a kind doctor and replied back, I asked if I can do a video call. He agreed and after checking the situation, he recommended to apply ice pack for now and wrap the knee with a cotton veil.
I then checked with downstairs neighbour if she has ice and she being a medical faculty in college came to visit mom and agreed to Doctor's suggestions.
After another hour, mom was able to pass loo using a make shift arrangement. Mom felt slightly better and opened up about her other pains etc. I was surprised and now wonder, perhaps, she never was attended with this concern or care; but was expected to fight for every small stuff in her life - from financial wellbeing to ease to enough resources for her kids etc....and she became a rebel.
As I slipped in an out of my thoughts and feelings, I also realised I am not as bad a daughter to her as I had started to feel for myself or would feel when I am too low, I loved myself a little more today knowing that if time comes I would be self sufficient and I am capable of managing things on my own.
My thoughts took me to memories of recent past and few people associated with it, I felt a sudden awakening of a sort that let me come to terms that sometimes we all are too occupied in our individual lives and the nearest surrounding. I felt gratitude for whatever took place in that recent past, probably that was a nudge in my way to pull me out of my delusional life to bring me to reality.
Know and feel, aging is real, age related pains or troubles are real, there is no escape but one can choose to accept and walk or walk along.
Just when I tucked mum in her bed, and was cleaning her surrounding and rearranging stuff that was all around her bed, I saw the table mat, that we use to place on floor before dinner arrangement and it was crumpled and lying upside down in one corner. I went to lift it up and saw that there are few cello tapes pasted on one patch which was torn.
I remembered, this morning mom had called while I was in office and she asked me if I have cello tape. My thought was - probably she mistakenly broke something and she may want to fix it or tie something in kitchen but I was wrong...
(With gratitude in my heart for many events, the nearby doctor, neighbours, things, people, love, comfort and bliss; + forgiveness to self and others whom I held wrong in my heart...I sign off)
Takecare✍️🙏
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