A vacation which was no less than home coming

Back in Bangalore, sitting alone and reminiscing about last 10 days of vacation which feels like a jiffy. I am still settling my thoughts and feelings - the euphoria and fun with childhood friends, staying with family & all the cousins plus kids, those late nights with cards games - the cheer and laughters, soulful food and home that felt like a celebration as if it was a marriage :)

My mind isn't able to go back to any particular day or time to make note of, rather jumping from one to another episodes or is hearing voices of sisters and friends, eyes are becoming blurry with happy tears which felt and saw the transition - how the hardest of heart melts at last, how we all get time to converse our truest fears, feeling and worries...how family come together and we each have some traits of the other. How we all find comfort in that togetherness, how the elderly becomes so accepting of life.

Each one of us was welcomed with a lamp and Kumkum tilak, the house was decorated with lamp and lights, event plants bloomed and so did the faces of everyone at home. It's hard to focus and not cry and I also know that each-one of us are feeling the same pain of departing after this vacations. For sisters who are married, i sense the pricelessness of such vacations which are very limited for them where as me (unmarried one) I do not have to think twice to visit home but yes, I do had distanced myself emotionally for a many years and I visited only coz I had to. This time it was different and was more holistic and peaceful. I was immersed in the simple joys of being a masi, bhua, sister, daughter, niece etc. I let go of the limitation of a image I had created for myself, I was flowing freely with each passing day. 

I know I won't be or rather I might end-up oversharing hence will stick to the best of the events that I am able to recall from all that I loved about my vacations with family:

1. Onwards Train journey of 24Hrs. And the successful week at work was a cherry on the cake.
2. Bade papa & Gogo coming to receive me at the station inspite of me asking not to. Some actions gets tattooed on the heart like forever.
3. Meeting and spending one day with Mishu and how she declared me as the most pyaari Bhua for putting Nail-paint for her. 
4. Tiny plants that I had taken from BLR which bade papa added to his nursery and they all were so accommodative of the new environment and bloomed.
5. Evening walk with mom on day 2 and some heart to heart conversations followed by gratitude checklist.
6.  Day 2 - welcoming Bhua and her kids + all the laughter and teasing :). Busy mornings in the kitchen and guest, friends, or some distant relatives visiting which was such a surprise :p
7. So many hampers of home made food items bought by each of the visiting guest, I din't go with anything special though except - ragi powder :(
8. Visit to Bir farm where I sense the pride in Papa's eyes while showing his new land & sharing the grace of God how things came together to favour the purchase and the langar at jiji's homemade Gravy aloo and poori with kheer. All the photoshoot etc
9. Ice-cream & kulfi evenings! with friend and family and later late hour cards game at Neeti's house. <3. Though I only won 50 Rs (lost 650 :D) but thought memories will be precious. 
10. Attending a grand wedding (Manali from seoni) and Mama - Mami's visit plus late night conversations.
11. Visit to vaikunthnagar Dadaji & Dadiji' home. The Humble heart with which they always heal me and my being. I love taking a visit in that varanda and remember my childhood. It was a blessing always.
12. SnapChat face filter on Babaji and kids and endless laughter and how Babaji suggested that we have one for all the demises messages on family chat group :P
13. Two Dinners at the Shree Lalaji kitchen - with Sagar & Family + with Gaurav & all.
14. One day visit to Nani and hogging on delicious pure seasonal fruits - Falsa, Blue berries, Rose apples, mangoes, Raw mango chutney's etc.
15. Pani-puri with friends & Gogo
16. New electric bike purchase from Grover Aunty (221060)
17. The news of Nikita Bhabhi's & vikky Bhaiy's twins! 27th May + Ozzi's Birthday.
18. Local shopping
19. Heart to heart conversation with Papa about Mom and what all is bothering her and some laughter :)
20. Another visit to Farm with Neha and Surana family!
21. All the 4 days of Kachori + samosas & home made Butter + the local freshly baked bread (sachi)
22. Impromptu visit to Omkareshwar and drive with mikki to Indore.
23. Walk, shopping and gifting + coconut crush with Badimummy @Indore and all the picture sharing + Talks.
24. Coincidence that the dates of my last tour home and Omkareshwar matched that from year 2015 and 2022  
25. Dhabha food (singh's Dhaba on Indore highway) with Mikki and munching on local cucumbers + best of 90's songs.
26. 
    

Pics to be updated sooon.....

मरहम की एक झप्पी

लिखना बहुत कुछ है पर शब्द पिरोए नही जारहे,

जस्बाद डगमगा से गए है पर रोके नहीं जारहे हैं,

अपनो के ही शब्द इतने चुभेंगे, पता नही था,

हम मरहम की एक झप्पी की आस बांधे बैठे हैं।

I Understand...

Sometimes we have surpassed the personal limits of feeling any emotion or particularly the grief and that instead of speaking thru heart throbs deep in the gut. And I have been in that state since yesterday.

What am I feeling?

A deep hurt and mostly something like being disowned or discarded.

Contrastingly -   a deep acceptance and understanding too, which only brings peace to my being. And I drop any sort of complaint or ill  thinking and accept.

I understand...

Sometime actions-  one that are well thought about and comes as a decision only after deep introspection. Listening to all the chatters in our heart and mind. 

I understand when we are loving, we have deep held promises to people we love, one who are above us. I understand we have had to move on. I understand we break ties with our own limiting beliefs and patterns and grow beyond. In all that is which goes on in the exterior, we start to understand ourselves deeply too and slowdown. Gulp the bitterness that was a part of our journeys.

As I write this, a part of me is screaming inside in the deepest of my being but because I have also made promises to my own people to be happy and one which they experience thru me.

I am not saying it is the best way to be but that is all I know - to stick to my words and do me. 

I understand it's time being factored too. And I deeply believe it's all working out in the highest good.

I know this too shall pass and life will never be the same at the deeper layers of  my being. Without any answers to my questions, with a hurt that I feel with all the understanding - for you and for me, I let go.

I let go us, I let go you, I let go me- Who I got to know thru you.

Stay blessed.

And I will continue to tell myself - I love you and I'm with you, because when all channels to willingness and communication closes and hope die a death it never should, we can be our own cheer leader.

Some things and situations cannot be understood or explained ......

 I understand...

Railway stations & Nausea from packing before travel

At last, I decided to make myself a cup of ginger cardamom tea. Had developed a bit of headache while doing my travel packing. I wonder if its me alone who has this weird trauma sort of feeling with packing.....especially when I am travelling to my home. I have few hours to my train and may be 60mins to start from home (BLR) but I wanted to attend to this internally shuffling feeling which degrades the whole experience of travel or even the start of vacations.

I start to feel nauseated while I do my packing. Let us understand at what exact point I get to the peak of it or where I actually start to feel it.

I usually will be very happy with the thought to train journey's....I love them. It feels so soulful. So much that when I am in distresses, my mind and body feel home at a railway station. I remember from my childhood days, I had once ran away from home after an ugly argument with mom and went to railway station (probably that was the only place I knew had a library) and bought a story book to run away from my reality. With this I can conclude that Stories are my distraction or in a way my lifeline which eventually - with the extra seasoning of diversity, I find it at a railway stations.

well...getting back to why in the first place I sat to write this blog post. Packing>Nausea> mind> memories> uncomfortable past> emotionally less comforting childhood?

Recollecting some observations from today's packing - I am usually very organised when it comes to packing and making a list is my bible or half the task done. List of all stuff I plan to carry, work I plan to finish, any shopping that would be needed, reminders about things that I should not forget just because they can be packed only on the day of travel, fall back options incase the shopping wasn't successful or I got bored if it etc etc.

Though my list was ready a almost 15day back. Today again I found myself revolving like any lost planet and the open Suitcase is my sun :D. Most of my clothes considering the number of days of stay are packed but still there are tiny items that somehow will be scattered around it and I will be juggling with what to put where and think a step ahead about what if I would need them mid-way in my journey. 

Half of my pressure gets building thinking of what mom would say - if my choice of dresses are ok or no, do I look enough presentable from her point of view? along with thought about my own comfort - Weather, fabric, occasion etc. Somewhere I am not someone who is a natural when it comes to grooming and mostly only in extreme cases of family weddings (long left attending them) and that too if I have the comfort of a beautician I connect to (I mean her/his art). All this leave me totally contradicting to how mom is. Deep down, in my heart I do not want to disappoint her but I feel suffocated when I have to go by what she feeling is the way to be.....in my head and heart - atleast not at a place I know as my home or may be she has already bid a goodbye to me after my college days or since I started working or from my marriageable age. My soul deeply long for the home I had known of. No complaints, but I know people change - sometimes for their own good and sometime without there own wish. The later one brings bitterness and that linger if not accepted. In my case, my being kept moving in and out of that home...that land but my soul yearned for it and it still does (the tears rolling out on my cheeks are louder). 

I must say I feel blessed when I get 3 - 4 calls the day of my travel right from dawn till I reach home (24hrs travel in train) and at the same time I wonder and get scared with the thought of how it would feel if anyone of them is not there.....I hurts and pierce me within but may be life has a way to teach us let go or the same lesson railway stations teaches me - we all are on a journey. 

I need to rush back and get ready. I am not sure if I reached at any conclusion but the out pour of tears relieved me a bit...may be there was something - a feeling, thought or memory I was struggling with and never attended to that and packing bring-out the worst of that and the topped pressure makes it challenging for me where as the exterior is all bliss - after all its vacations, my interior being missed something or someone deeply.

Home which SHE can call her nest

It was a busy morning and a long day at work. I had many seniors leaders visiting the city with a packed schedule and I have to make sure that I stay on top of my work.

As a usual routine, I spend at least 15 minutes to meditate asa I reach office.

Today was no different except a deep unsettling feeling, such that I was struggling to stay put or attend to the meditation guidelines. At a point, inner voice guided attend to the emotion and I took a deep breath, observed the feeling I felt in the body, near chest. After staying with it for some time I just allowed myself to let the core feeling surface and help me come back to normalcy.

To my surprise - It didn't take me long and immediately, the picture of everybody at home and what my aunty (badi mummy) had shared a night before.. while on video call that the house was lit and decorated more like as if it's Diwali. Decorative lights and oil lamps were lit too, neighbor's were asking what special and my uncle (bade papa) said our daughters are coming home 🏠.

Knowing about this loving gesture, even writing about it made me choke with mixed emotions. Of what they go thru when we aren't there, what makes them love us so deep and so much that our hearts will be full for lifetimes, irrespective of their differences with others at home... When it comes to kids/girls it's only love, nothing else. I had to take time to feel the emotions and attend to it else I would have struggled  for the whole day.

With eyes closed, I thanked those loving hearts 💕 and send them more love, joy and health. May every girl be blessed and have a family like this ... a home filled with love which she can call her nest.

Only love, grace and gratitude🙏💝

Have I healed?

So I watched this movie - the Kerala story, a few days back. Obviously, I could not have mustered the courage to watch it alone hence, went with a friend.

Having the presence of the friend by my side somewhere kept me floating, floating in a way that the story line was not something I was getting dunked into ... which usually happens with me in case of intense story-line 

And surely, I thought I would have knot kind of heavy feeling in my gut based on all the reviews I had read or pictured in my head but surprisingly I came out ditatched... definately - not completely; but to major extent.

At this, I was surprised with myself and asked was this an affect from the PLRT I had done recently or that I was too prepared mentally but then there was one visual that left a bit of uncomfortable feeling which I really had to struggle to make peace with... that of women being used as S_x slaves and the dialogue that the scars that rips the souls (for many lives to come) and not just the body. I wondered if I have healed or am I still trapped in a pattern of thinking and feeling a certain way?

These thoughts took me back to a few instances and my mind and heart was at a combat. Heart wanted to ignore but mind caught the facts that lay bare infront of my own eyes and in experience....How do I still stay calm and make peace with the memories, the never ending conflicting thoughts and feelings all about - in the name of love, in the name of belonging, in the name of mine, the ownership of another in a relationship....It makes me question have we - humans lost the beauty and purity of being in love? Of experience Love inside out, not the other way?

Well I haven't found my answers yet or may don't want to as day by day it's all becoming useless and I have had lived enough and long and so deeply that it's ok to let that be. 

All I pray that the hearts stay tuned to the greater beauty of respect and kindness or that of giving them owning of that of trusting than being vengeful. And may this earth continue to grow to be a blessed and better place with each passing moment🙏.

Goodnight.

Maa teri aankho ...

 मां तेरी आंखों में आज वो खुशी देखी,

रूह को नम करदे वो नमी देखी ।

तेरी वो एक चुम्मी से मन खिल सा गया,

आज तेरे चेहरे पे वो – कई सालों पहले वाली मम्मी देखी।

(Me and mummy were on video call while I was at the office. Generally, while talking, she remembered to ask if I transferred some amount to her account and I said yes, it gets credited every month which was a surprise to her and she covered her face with one hand in shock and in wonder and all here transitory expressions at that moment we're so heart touching and I captured that in the above words)

When a Pigeon trusted me with it's wellbeing

 

A sense of maternal town came flooding back

Yesterday my maternal uncle had called to ask me - Tanu if you have time over this weekend and can visit a person at a Government Hospital and if needed, to extend monetary help in my capacity.

To today.

I had just entered the main entrance of Victoria hospital, one closer to the Metro station and headed towards the other gate closer to the children's ward and ICU unit, following Google location shared by Krishna.

On reaching the location, I called Krishna and he said he had seen me and was coming towards me. I turned my head sideways and to my left..a few steps away, I saw him waving at me. He came closer and bowed down as a gesture to touch my feet - a customary greetings from the younger to elderly or a way of expressing respect; it was the later in my case as definitely I wasn't elder to him in anyway but I was the maternal Niece from the town he worked at and he was related to my maternal uncle. In that native (Seoni, Banapura) there is a saying and belief that a Nephew is considered equal to hundred Bhramins and in my case it's the Neice.

Krishna is a daily wager and knows farming. He was working with my maternal uncle at  farm and was in Bangalore to get his two and a half month baby treated who is admitted to ICU for a operation gone wrong.

At that gesture of he bowing down to touch my feet flooded me with feelings and a sense of responsibility towards the place I grew-up, towards such innocent and deeply courageous individuals who sleep under the sky,  on the lap of mother earth and breath to live nothing else; unlike me to earn, eat or dream any fancies of life. They look after mother earth and surrender to her wholeheartedly and are such elevated souls with deeper acceptance for life - such that detachment to materialistic needs comes so easy to them. 

Populace in whom the culture is itched on one's soul such that  he considered me one amongst his own irrespective of it being connected by blood or not at all. Or even haven't ever known or met.

I was and am deeply stirred and wondered what did I do to have been bestowed with so much respect and trust?

Traces on the trails

With no clear direction...I started off this post, I am at the brim of such confusion that I couldn't even decide on a title. At one moment I wanted to complete few old pending posts more from my Ooty travel (last year) but at next, I want to brain-dump all about my eventful life of past few months and then I thought of taking a good note of breezy cool summer evenings but then it rained here (Bangalore) since last three days and summer disappeared and so were my thoughts and at last I thought of taking a stalk of my long weekend and all the self discoveries that I have had in the very recent days....

When there is so much to engage with life at times feel too overwhelming with a certain unseen rush and then the age adds to it...precisely for a girl (per the Doctors, not me).

Anyways, let's look deeper into how am I feeling and how am I really doing in my life. As a continuation to one of my post about past life regression session, I recall that I had filled a form before the session began; it had very clear statement of what is my pattern that I wish to release and gracefully some memories of certain events made me realise my core belief of that of Struggle. Ease is something I do not believe I can experience and If I experience it, I distrust which leads to unconsciously me adding some element of struggle to it. It all may seem so very dramatic but the inner life of beliefs are such thick chains to cut that only I know. Had also written that I want to flow with life easily and effortlessly with grace.

While I was resting this noon, I played some audio from Louise hay and while I was about to slip into a deep nap in my heart I had the urge to check with myself if I even accept myself in totality...with all it's flaws and blessings. The scars, one from this life as far as I can remember to those I carry from the past lives....(when I have all the reasons to believe with the signs I was shown), those that I see and is only known to me to one that the world had perceived me as, do I feel safe within my own skin, my being, my thoughts, my wishes, my likings and deep in my heart? The answer is a simple straightforward NO!. 

And then, I question myself - why?, how do I feel about it? or with that refusal within.....
And right now as I write this, I know my chest feels terribly heavy and breathless. It is hard and tough. The answer to that Why, I may not know or mostly I dread dwelling into it, it hurts. The traces I find, goes back to the days of my childhood days. [a long deep breath and a promise to self, i had accepted and I let go what is no longer support my being]. .....

to be continued....