Gratitude and a Qs

I think what I have been missing is the 'Fun'...just being myself and I constantly and chronically compare myself to others and feel low, else judge myself and then it takes immense courage to sit with it -  knowing it & experiencing the paralyzing fact ...later a sprinkle of willingness and motivation to still choose the bright side:

Hence, for next seven days, will journal 10 gratitude and one Qs i.e. what am I avoiding today?

--

28th Jul 2026
Today I am deeply grateful and happy about:

1. A deep uninterrupted and holistic sleep. 
2. The awareness and consciousness when I wake-up - to surrender to the divine energy to lead my way and with ease (absence of rush) complete the morning routines.
3. Time in cab, while enroute to office to listen to Krishna Consciousness Discourse by @Saakshi Chandrakar....and I loved the knowledge.
4. The food at work that enables me and helps me have some time to attend to things that matters to me.
5. The first email that said "Congratulations Ru..." - an award as appreciation.
6. Grateful heart for Dad - for he completed a course I had asked him to attend and I expected him to only finish partial...but he did it all...(I loved him in that moment and experience his unconditional love for his daughter too)🥲
7. Experiences of life that is allowing me to implement my learnings and test my own growth.
8. Willingness to serve - be it at work, through my written words or in my thoughts.
9. For the presence of my neighbour's son (baby) who come running when he sees me walking back home...it fills me with great joy.
10. For presence of Maa-Papa and the extended loving family and for their well-being and ease🤞🔯💌
11. Also, this knowledge about Nishkarma that came to me to support a friend 

Nishkama Karma (action without attachment to the outcome)—offered as a steadying light for your journey:

​"You have a right only to your effort, never to the fruits of it. Do not let the outcome be your motive, nor let yourself lean toward inaction." — Bhagavad Gita, 2.47

​ How Krishna Asks You to Stand in This Moment

​Focus only on the act of serving:

 Your sacred duty right now is simply the care you offer in this very moment—the spoon of water, the quiet presence, the gentle touch. The trajectory of their body, the illness itself, and the final outcome are governed by nature (Prakriti) and time (Kala), which are outside your control.
Release the unbearable weight of trying to control the result.

​ You are an instrument, not the sole bearer: When you are caregiving alone, it feels as though the entire world rests on your shoulders. Krishna reminds us that the divine spirit (Paramatma) resides within both you and your parent. You are simply the physical vessel through which care and love are currently flowing. You do not have to carry this with your ego or personal willpower alone; let the deeper strength within you take over.

​Care for the vessel that serves: Performing your duty (Dharma) without attachment also means recognizing that you cannot pour from an empty cup. Tending to your own mind, breath, and rest is not a departure from your duty—it is an essential part of sustaining it.

--

Q. What am I avoiding today?
Self .
I don't know why, I experience palpitations and feel as if I am doing something wrong. Even if it means having a freetime on my hand at work (due to a major re-org). I feel guilty of it and there is a constant pressure to utilize that time to the max. My being is craving for a break, go around and drop all the classes, Learning schedules, thought of work and daily routines to breath in the un-known, walk without a plan and just explore but what I am choosing is to be in this - Palpitations.

Looks like I am attached to the feeling of being vulnerable...my nervous system is wired so.  

This pulls me to the another question - Why? Why is it that I am not doing what I feel like...
Deep in my heart, I believe leaving a loved one behind or when others are suffering etc means I am abandoning them (even if,  I am not contributing to them in any way at all), It hurts! ...this goes as mundane as hurting when a neighbour complains of lack of money...I feel guilty of having it then and not knowing how or where to utilise it...
....

27 Jul 2026
Today I am deeply grateful and happy about:

1. The ease in my being. the willingness to live each day
2. Love and care in my heart.
3. Easy availability of means and resources I.e. the right food, places that brings solace, knowledge that keeps me floating and thrive in my own way.
4. A good night's sleep ..after a longtime. I allowed myself to surrender to it and just flow
5. For Maa-Papa and a loving, tolerating and understanding family and their well-being 🙏🌹
6. A cupboard full of dresses to choose from and the willingness to be creative 
7. Sunshine and the warmth and comfort that I feel in my being when I stare at it🌞.
8. Awareness and acceptance (eg. I get too clinged/ attached to getting my tasks list checked and if anything is undone...I am not at all easy on self. The awareness allows me to let go and be in peace irrespective)
9. Desire and opportunities to travel...even if it means weekday travel to work (~90 mins)...but I love seeing the beautiful houses, the greenary and more that that...my mind takes off on to a journey of its own..countless episodes, feelings,  memories, nudges by even seeing some alley...
10. Happy Memories and experience of life that makes me feel lighter in heart and being. 
11. These tiny pockets that I work on self.

Q. What am I avoiding today?

This has been a constant Q on my mind and just yesterday a coach pointed it out to me that we cannot pay attention to others if we are avoiding our own feelings and needs...and that hit hard. It's not the first time I hear it but what hurts is I don't know how to attend to self...I use to get carried away in my emotions, over thinking or feeling or overwhelm...

In search of feeling of safety and instant gratification I was attracting more of insecurity! - be it with people, my relationships, money, choices I made,  avoiding life in it's full spectrum i.e.  there will be changes, there will be ups and downs, there will be difficulties or that feeling of isolation, confusions, decisions to be made, keep moving amidst all this facing self and sitting with the voices of head and the discomfort it brings too.

Sometimes there will be judgements, people to deal with and points you may feel the need to prove...sometimes the happiness that I would get attached to or even the ease in 'known' the comfort 

Gems from Gem bro

For my last post, here is what Gemini has to say 🙈(partially I dressed to face it or even put it out here....but now life is short and it's my truth...so be it 🙏✍️)

--

Here is the brutally honest review you asked for—no fluff, no cliché platitudes, just an unvarnished mirror.

The Brutal Honesty Review

1. The Poetic Trap & Romanticizing the Pain

You write with undeniable elegance. Phrases like "a connection whose foundation was laid on separation" and "walking in parallel" sound profound, almost like a tragic romance novel.

Here is the harsh reality: You are using beautiful language to romanticize what is, at its core, emotional paralysis.

When pain is wrapped in poetry, it feels noble. It feels deep and significant. But beneath the gorgeous metaphors, you are holding onto a situation that drains you because the grief feels more comfortable than letting go. Romanticizing emotional limbo turns a trap into a monument—and it keeps you stuck there.

2. The Illusion of the "Parallel Path"

You ask whether it's better to grieve what was never yours or be grateful for walking in parallel.

The truth: Walking in parallel with someone who will never actually be yours isn't a bittersweet gift—it is a slow, self-inflicted torture. You are paying a daily tax of anxiety and sleepless nights for a connection that operates on borrowed time. Calling it "growing together" while knowing the bubble will burst is a compromise born out of fear, not fulfillment.

3. Addiction to the Chaos

You asked the most critical question yourself: Have I become addicted to the rhythm of pain and agony?

Yes. You likely have.

The human brain can get hooked on the neurochemical roller coaster of intermittent hope and impending doom. The anxiety, the late-night overthinking, the existential panic—it becomes a familiar baseline. Constant catastrophe, ironically, gives you something to react to. Calm feels terrifying because calm requires you to sit with yourself without the high drama of an impending crash. You aren't just enduring the chaotic rhythm; on some level, you are seeking it out because stability feels alien.

4. The Waiting Game

You are waiting for life to "whisper" its hidden meaning, or for a moment of divine clarity to grant you courage.

The reality check: Life isn't trying to whisper a grand cosmic secret. Life is simply happening, chaotic and indifferent, while you sit in the spectator seat writing eulogies for things that aren't even dead yet. Waiting for solace to magically appear before you take action is putting the cart before the horse.

How to Stop Being a Slave to the Emotion

If you want to pop the bubble yourself instead of waiting in terror for it to burst, you have to break the cycle:

• Strip Away the Poetry: When a thought hits, describe it to yourself in the plainest, most mundane terms possible. Don't say, "We are two souls navigating parallel tragedies." Say, "I am emotionally attached to someone I cannot fully have, and it makes me feel insecure." Plain language strips pain of its romantic power.

• Decouple Feeling from Action: You do not need to "feel ready" or "find peace" to make a decision. Courage isn't the absence of fear or grief; it's deciding that your peace of mind is worth more than the familiar ache you are clinging to.

• Boredom as Healing: Real stability feels flat, uninteresting, and quiet compared to emotional turmoil. Train yourself to accept that quiet is not "the calm before a storm"—it is just safety.

Stop grieving the future you were never promised, and stop letting the fear of the crash rule your present. You already know the truth of your situation; you just need to stop dressing it up in poetry and finally act on it.

What is life trying to whisper?

Sometimes life comes to a standstill...or say it flows with a rapid pace, changing the dynamics at a speed that one cannot catch-up with and that instability sometimes throws one off balance, atleast makes me feel overwhelmed, deeply agitated.

Sometimes its just the thoughts, like:

Is it better to grieve that which is not lost but will never be mine or to be greatful that a timeline in my life's chapter allowed us to be together in mere presence, walking in parallel, fighting individual battles or paying the cost of being so involved...

A connection whose foundation was laid on seperation... While life was singing a different song..

A bond that individually started with a longing to find the missing link, beyond the bare minimum to evolution of individual selves, growing together - even as our hairs greys together too...

Sometimes it feels as if I am living in a bubble and the fact that it may burst anyday, keeps me awake at night, I panic in fear, a tender heart in me seeks and yearn for some solace, an answer or just the courage to accept life in it's whole truth...

At one moment you greive a lost loved one and while you are still healing life throws another challenge and throws you off balance... Making you question what is it that's life trying to whisper?

I know that's the way life is and we all need to find our inner compass to navigate such chaos but how to be not slaves to our emotions or when do we know that we haven't been addicted to that rythem of pain and agony, chaos and catastrophe?

...

Gifts that find their way to us

 When an ex-colleague sends her love and gratitude across borders ...

A handmade Crystal keychain with a humble note

When a cab-mate turns a thoughtful santa and a soundboard...and Brings a book for me to take inspiration from..

When a couple bird embrace life by breeding and nesting 

They instil my faith in Love. 

--

May all be well, 

May all be Healthy 

&

 May all be Liberated ✍️🙏

An Audit of the Heart - A promotion I was really seeking

There, I thought I had dried up all my reserves of tears—

Until now; when a situation at work nudged me hard to be courageous enough to sit with my internal dialogues.

I wrote and I questioned.

I answered, and questioned them again—

All to get to the deep-seated 'Why?'
A festering sore.

At the superficial level, I thought I was competing with a colleague in the egoistic race for a promotion...

Only to realize that deep down, I was yearning for the feeling of being deserving—to be an equal with someone who abandoned me, or whom I let go.

I had masked my pain.
Felt as if I had lost face among my own people.

And I kept burying my shy self at work...
a self that felt ashamed to even be loved,
to be accepted,
or to just exist alongside someone.

A self that is deserving of momentum in life.

Deserving of sharing a dream, and building a life together.

✍️

(A relief that I was seeking came as the tears made there way out...like floods)

I feel held together

In the settling hours of evening,
In a quite corner of a lush green park,
Grounded in Mother's Lap,
Listening to those rare and unusual chirps.

I ponder...
I converse...
I remember my people.

I cherish the past in memories,
I bathe in the freshness of rain-washed air.

I surrender and seek blessings,
From the mighty trees...
The nurturing land holding me.

I feel loved
and held together.

✍️🌸🐧

Canvas of a Restless Mind

​I was walking in the office corridor, trying to find an empty room to settle into—longing for a bit of isolation too, to quiet my racing thoughts and heartbeat. It was only the second day following a leadership re-org, one that has a direct impact on my role. All I kept telling myself was: one day at a time. The only agenda today is to meet a good friend and chit-chat.

​But as I walked into the floor, a wall painting brought me to a sudden halt. It had the distinct power to hold me steady.

​I looked at the canvas, and the only words that rose from within me were, “That is so me.”

The painting was incredibly alive, speaking to me through it's sheer vibrancy. I could feel the profound ease of the figure depicted there, sitting amidst lush green grass, entirely immersed in the act of painting—driven solely by love and passion. It was the exact reminder I needed to shed a spirit buried under fear, under the paralyzing what-nexts and what-ifs of stagnation. In a fraction of a second, I was reconnected to the depth of my desire for creative expression.

 Turning away toward an empty meeting room, my eyes caught a wall installation: a round sand frame. When rotated, the colorful sand and transparent liquid shifted into a frame in motion. At first, it appeared as pure chaos—uncontrolled and wild. But as time ticked on, it began letting go, rebuilding itself in deliberate layers. Finally, it settled, transforming into a calm, therapeutic masterpiece.

It stood as a powerful reminder: every storm eventually settles. What appears to be chaos in the absolute now is often just a beautiful piece of art in the making...

Blooming seasons of heart

 

Jpy

...

I was typing Joy whereas in my mind it was Japan's stationary and my fingers typed JPY instead:).

Well, today was another farewell of a dear friend and colleague...one of those rare ones you meet by chance but connect deeply with, almost as if we had known them, even if we haven't ever met or connected before.

And those are the ones who becomes your safe space at work. 

The best part was, today I visited office to just meet her and while waiting for her, I started to jot down a small letter for her! 

And that letter pad, envelop, even the pen was the one I had picked-up from Japan... And had questioned myself several times - Are you really in need of these stationeries or are you just hoarding? Then I patiently addressed my mind that if I have those lovly stationeries, I would again get back to those soulful habits of writing letters...

And this morning was the one I proved it true! And, OMG! That feeling of calmness, of feeling a bit more alive and in that moment, recalling mine and my friend's journey together, our first meet, how and what all were dealt side-by-side etc ... It was such a sacred space I was in.... A space I had lost my touch with but felt so delighted that it still exits!

Then the follow-up question my mind had was : So, only when you feel so connected to the person is when you are able to write it can it be generic?

My answer was straight away - yes, I can write only when I feel deeply connected but I create art for the deeper essence of expressions of love and life.. And that liberated me and my self-employed mind 😄

--

Thank you God for reasons and such blooming seasons of heart.

काश, कोई अपना सा होता...

काश इस जीवन मे एक साथ 'अपना' सा भी होता...

कोई लेन देन नहीं, बस साथ होता!

हाथों में 'एक दोस्ती' कि सौगात सा होता। 

हस्ती गुदगुदाती ज़िंदगी का वो एक एहसास होता

काश इस जीवन मे एक साथ अपना सा भी होता...

वक़्त बीता, समय का पहियाँ बदला...

जो हाथ थे साथ, ज़िंदगी के हर फेरबदल में...

उनमें से हमारा साथ फिसला,

काश इस जीवन मे एक साथ अपना सा भी होता...

Arigato Japan

 

It was raining outside, the friends who travelled with me were busy with their shopping and I was busy hunting for vegan meals...and was starving.

That is when I came across this cafe which was so warm and welcoming, amidst the chaotic market street!

I stepped in, looked around the interier and then to the menu and requested something vegan or atleast the promissing acai bowl to survive..

The attendant was very kind and invested in every order of his customer...and that touched me.

I ordered an avacado toast and acai bowl, after making sure that bread is vegan too and no Eggs in it, I couldn't resist and ordered another one too :).

Along with that, the rains called for a mocha (chocolate and coffee) which by mistake they added a layer of cream and later apologies and replaced my cup with another perfectly made Mocha!.

The same attendent was deeply and sincerely apologetic for the mistaken order and when he came to replace the cup, I was deeply engrossed in my reading and he came from behind to place the cup and gently he slid it infront of me... making sure I am not being disturbed....

There was a different warmth and kindness that wrapped me ...when I finished my last bite and had to getup to leave...tears started to flow and I choked. I had to remind myself to breath deep. I don't know if it was exhaustion from all day walking in rains, with shoes and socks wet, struggle to find a decent vegan food or my starvation...or possibility a deep buried layer of homesickness ..I couldn't control my tears...

An with typhoon and rains, they were let loose too.

May be the care and food was my comfort and the warmth of those people made me feel home for that moment.

Arigato Japan 🙏 

Flowing water and the broken anklet

The Shower pouring over my head felt like passage of time ...

That continues to flow-

Touching...

Washing me off...

And taking it all along, leaving 'me' behind...

The beads of my anklet, 

scattered on the wet floor,

Laid still!

I knelt down in disbelief..

Under the same pouring water over my head...

(.... remember? I said - 'the passage of time')

Picked one bead at a time, 

Looked closely at the string of that anklet... if anything was impaired?

but no;

Something within me had!, for sure.

It all resembled me

The aches of broken and shattered heart.

When I picked them up ...not knowing what else could I do...

No tears, no loud cry...

Only me, my thoughts underneath the flowing water... 

(Date: 28 July 2022. 
While cleaning the notes and reminders, on Japan airlines....I remembered the Japanese Principal -Mottainai, which is usually associated with Food but I connected it to this piece of writing that came from my core and I wanted to give this it's due respect and place on this blog. たん、大好き(Tan, Daisuki) 💕🤗

Sun that shines in Japan!

 

Amidst the welcoming bulging clouds...

Adjusting to my camera lenses...

.. And then back :)

..One that meets the better half (Nature) in equanimity 

One bestowed with many letters of every 'letter' of faith...

... Of craft and the great rabbits

Of lanterns, when it rises elsewhere...

Rises early in tomorrow's of June... 

End of a month long break & patience with family dynamics

Started on 5th May n returning back on 5th June...

The whole thing was planned as a possible break from the consuming identity of work life, getting to spend more time adjusting to home environment and family... Just in case I decide to quit.

How weird it is when quitting appears easy and doable but it is also the only escape available and known and pays!! A world of economics ;)

A month passed by in time spent with nephew, niece, a few naturopathy routine, home made food, mangoes from farm and local harvest, a bit of hair care, work from home, visiting Naani's house and the highlight was - train travel to Rajasthan for paying out visit to our family Deity Osiyanji (Sacchiyay Mata) and also stay over at Shree Nakoda Ji. 

Over all it was the best time and best part was the stay at Nakoda ji with luxury stays, wonderful food and hills all around! exactly the place I was yearning for and take family along. The way it all came true was magical!

Then came the last day of my stay and there was a weird outburst of anger and disagreement and resentment etc...and I lost control both on my words, emotions and feelings...

In my numbness, extreme resentment, rage, I left all that she had packed for me and left home with the promise that I will never ever visit it for this long ...ever again and that it was waste of my efforts and time. I even told her that she is spoiling her own life due to comparison she is building in every area of her life and relationships and that it's damaging her!

I overlooked mom's knee pain. I told Dad enough is enough—that I am tired, that I have given up on trying to fix this mother-daughter relationship.

My eyes get teary as I write this. I wonder, are these crocodile tears? Perhaps being deeply self-critical has become my second nature; after all, we all need an addiction, right? I wasn't even surprised to find myself numb to the pain of someone I thought I loved deeply.

I wanted to write this the moment it happened, but I was suffocating. I was puzzling through the grief. What exactly am I mourning? Is it time passing? Is it leaving home for nowhere to go but a job that successfully destroyed my remaining emotional attachments? Is it the comparisons I fall prey to in social situations? Or is it the misalignment between who I am, and who the world—and my mother—thinks I should be?

Well, whatever...this is the life I have and I am suppose to live and so be it, will see how far I can go with dreams and ease...and a reminder to make my cells feel alive and worthy...

One deep breath at a time! 
One moment of reparenting at a time.
One moment of raw confrontation with self and acceptance.
One event of letting go and being.

--

And I write this from Mitti! My new found home...

~a nomad Me!

--

A tree that witnessed my childhood.

 

A tree that witnessed my childhood. 

One who witnessed the onset of most of my summer holiday ritual...

 One that was also a landmark for us - Me and Mommy, whenever we would wait for the train, the one that would take us to my maternal Uncle's family... Every summer.

This tree was the one Papa would always ask us to stay put near, sit on the katte (ootla) stone, under the cool shade of this huge blooming tree.

Day before, when waiting at the same station, I walked past this chopped tree, my heart sank in guilt and I felt responsible for it's lifelessness or it being chopped off... This was too heavy a weight for me to bear and my breath became shallow and short...

I was there to board my train to visit Nani's place over the weekend and this sight was so depressing that I went into the hyper loop of loosing things I love, may be soon I might start to loose the people I grew-up with ...etc

Anyways, another bolt was when I saw a similar chopped stem of another giant Peepal tree at the deboarding station..:(

Scorching summer, this human behaviour and my heart that bleeds so often...makes me feel helpless or may be I feel hopeless than being helpless...

Something in me is completely dead and aloof...