Danced the dance of my soul

If I have not danced the dance of my soul,

If I have not enacted the story of my role,

Will I be able to die empty?

If I have not danced the dance of my soul,

If I have not enacted the story of my role,

Wouldn't it be too much to take along?

I'm such that I often tred the mainstream...

But without experiences.. depth of expression is none

Then, how will I die empty?

 By indulging in it all?

From known to unknown

Whether one is waiting for a response, a diagnosis  or a decision it definitely puts one self in the limbo. Me being on this boat currently in many aspects of life and experiencing the bouts of anxiety or aimlessness, I wonder what lies beneath this superficial feeling?

Knowing that there could only be two possibilities on each extremes -  either in my favour or say which I am at ease with due to the clarity I have or one that will throw me in to the unknown. But will I be able to deal with it in all my humanity? to understand the depth of the instance, carve a new direction and transform it all (if possible) in the the direction of 'known'.

Knowing me, I will definitely choose the easy one first  - avoidance that I have knowingly or unknowingly nurtured all thru my life. The avoidance of discomfort. I was made aware of it very recently by one of the therapist who patiently heard me out. 

I ask myself - if this awareness makes me more grounded, comfortable in this state of getting into the unknown? May not completely, but what it does is - It reminds me that I do have analytical abilities and if I wish I should own and feel comfortable to make use of it, take baby steps and not be judgmental or cynical about the decisions I take or results I bear.

Pointlessness to Purpose

I walked upto the coastal dune of Marvante beach which was just few lanes behind my friend's home at Navunda. There was this - isolated portable shelter made of satin cloth supported by four poles forming a hollow cube, visually. The rain-fly was a discarded decor piece, one commonly see at Indian weddings. It had frills stitched in concentric circles at the centre and four angular shapes around it covering each of the four corners. The contrasting outer frill gave a feeling of festivity and celebration which was accentuated by the gentle sea breeze fueling life underneath it's shade. 

In that wee morning hour at Navunda; sitting alone in the shade with my back rested to one of the wooden pole, I experienced a rush of overflowing thoughts - of that of acquired vision of how to best use this me time. I felt so overwhelmed that I froze and my mind din't know what to make of it ...it almost felt like an obligation than a moment to cherish and just be.

Subconsciously fighting those preset ideas and feeling blank about what I want, I decided to  navigate the situation by engaging my senses...and started with that of touch - by walking along the shoreline, allowing muddy waves and froth to submerge my feet and flow back leaving me little more aware.

As I walked in one direction, I was constantly drawn to the sound of tall waves forming somewhere  at a far distance in middle of the sea past me. They were attuned to the onset of the bright day post Mahashivrathri and the refreshing aqua-marine color - visible in the crest got enhanced in that fleeting moment mid-air distracted me from the engagement I had with the touch and added another thread to the ongoing juggle in mind and heart - to continue to walk or just peacefully and playfully stare at those waves.

I went back to the tent in some shade and continued to be in awe and at those waves almost effortlessly. I wanted to allow this experience to go deeper and multifold and hence I closed my eyes and visualised the formation of those waves and tried to match it with the sounds I hear. I struggled! and I was being too pushy to get it right and somewhere was little scared of those featherlight scorpios popping in and out of the wet sand around me and had scary visuals of them getting in my pyjamas.🙈

Out of no-where it all settled down. I noticed that the thud of the big wave marked the breathing-in my body and withering away of the waves on both sides with the ripple sound, to that of the breathing-out. It felt magical. Just this awareness and settlement within as if I was yearning deeply to get to this and it almost happened effortlessly.

This deep found momentary happiness instigated me to call Mom-Dad to show them the beach and Dad picked-up the call (You see connection! 💘). He loved watching the sea waves and expressed that he would love to be in such place for a week when he would visit me and do nothing just be. Then I called-up my friend who introduced me to beaches :).

After those calls, my attention drifted towards the swell waves closer to the shore moving swiftly and rising a bit with each forward move... I was enthralled. At that moment, I was absent yet in-sync within. This new awareness brought me to think about everything that at times appeared to be absolutely pointless - The connections with people, places, songs or even smell. The yearning to see or feel that someone by your side. The lost contacts where the communication is missing but one desirably or undesirably visits those special moment's lived together. The pain we tend to avoid, happiness we sometimes deprive ourselves of and believing it is for anyone else but me. Every single thing, episode eventually starts to make sense in the bigger scheme of life. Thus, paving way for the deeper purpose of one's life.

What is beautiful about writing

Past few weeks I have been chasing the episodes of Jane the Virgin on Netflix and noticed how it has become one inseparable part of my-life.

Like for people, at times, I dread that the series would get over soon and I will be left hanging in the same mundane life of work, eat, sleep... work or contemplate my life, actions or choices. 

Well, at the E32 of S2 (episode 32 of Season 2), I had this euphoric moment when I felt a deep resemblance to the lead character - Jane and in particular the writer in her. Her untiring efforts towards acing the dream to be a novelist while also balancing the new Mommy role 💖. I adore how her character draws the inspiration from all the crazy events that took place and turn it into a well-turned piece of Thriller, Mystery, Si-fi  only to know from her advisor that the task was given to her to break her limitations and at last was advised to choose Romance for her assignment. So thoughtful! isn't it?

While watching that episode - when Jane was attending to her writing - 'Romance' and how the cinematography portrayed Jane's thoughts as visuals....my horizons were broadened experientially and I got my title to this post :). I realised how writing can be extremely therapeutic (which my therapist advised or gave assignments for), immensely healing and a catalyst in broadening ones understanding of life, experience or even fantasies in the most harmless ways. And can bring order to chaotic situations by simple way of brain-dump and reflection.

(Photo: The CW)

And for me, what is more beautiful is :

• It lifts my spirits and this is one tiny thing that I do for purely myself as if I am one with myself holistically, truthfully and it challenges me in ways I never knew it would ....eg. I have a mental image about what I want to write but don't know what word, phrase or tone would fit, or a word just appears magically and I look for it's meaning to know that it fits perfectly on the canvas of my story and sometimes I stumble upon a new word or even a writeup while searching for something else and I get transported and in awe. 
  
  
• It's a gift to me from the supreme - from my past into my present, an ode to my lineage.
  
  
• Even when I think of decor or craft - I associate myself with written words and different fonts. I am always amazed how different font style infuses moods in writing. 
  
  
• Words - spoken, written, sung or touched can help us craft our lives. 
  
  
• Neither all writing can be written nor all can be understood in one lifetime :). The more we co-exist, the more we learn and more we evolve.
  
  
• It all starts with writing .......in each era. 

Well, getting back to Jane the virgin -  this beautifully written light hearted telenovela has many lessons for me at this age of my life and I feel so blessed that the morning affirmations - 'Everything is working out for me' actually worked in the most unsought and creative ways...exactly as if it was meant for me  :)

 I am deeply grateful for this time and experience sharing. 

More love & grace <3 

Matters of the mind vs matter of the heart

Matters of the mind vs matter of the heart

Endless chatters vs deadly silence of the heart

Neither 'horizons' to the chatter nor  invoked feelings of the heart

It beats - only for the illusion of the dread, 

Alas! Here are the tears... cry of the wounded heart.

Matters of the mind vs matter of the heart.

Astrology, numerology, palmistry or tarot.. Where can peace be borrowed?

Failed attempts to follow even one beat of the heart. Silence harrowed.

For known was packed schedules - to matter the matters of mind.

At stake was trust, honesty, belief, belonging, lust, dignity, relief or timing.

Matters of the mind vs matter of the heart

That which anchors me

So, today is the day I mark as a reset day. Into a journey of self-acceptance, Love, Healing and off-course thriving!

It's been a emotionally rollercoaster ride thru the past few months and a constant juggle to find a balance and inner calm.

Few mins back, I came out of a session (therapy) that I felt was so much needed to feel connected to self and continue into the bigger, better and blissful gift of life. Also, to take this opportunity to revive back into who I am or was originally that I stabbed and killed to just match the social needs around me and to that of limited understanding of myself.

This post is purely to thank every single event, person, blessings and that strike of 🍀 luck, knowledge that came my way, the capabilities which ensured a better beginning in many ways ahead :) and offcourse to thank myself for loving me unconditionally <3

And God forbid, if ever - there comes a day when I completely forget what it means to feel anchored, I want to come back to this post....

1. Gratitude : Days which felt like endings or hopeless and dead,  gratitude journal was the most trusted survival mode for me. It helped me collect back the broken pieces, accept life and fuse new perspective to everything that happened and connect to the Big Picture in this whole realm of life.
   
   
2. Being compassionate towards the self : Days when we don't know why we exist, or feel terrible about our selves or totally distant or confused and detached with everyone living or dead...The best way to go about such days is to just acknowledge that this side of us does exist, do not label it as dark or bad but just another color of the rainbow which makes life and the individual complete. Such attitude also helps us to open-up to be accepting of others and allow a deeper bond.
   
   
3. Do a reality check : With the overflowing information which also at times helps us to escape the unwanted feelings or distract from over thinking; we sometimes tend to drift off from the normal path of natural feelings and almost unconsciously start to behaved more dramatically...just to be justifiable, to fit into the new learnings or perceived acceptance. Hence, it always helps the do a check-in with self, that if the feelings I feel about myself are really true...does it really makes sense or I am trying to be another character in one of the mental movie I have been weaving.
   
   
4. Trust the course of Life and that eventually everything will make sense : Don't force yourself to arrive at a conclusion or even if you tried hard, take time to know if your heart is at peace with that else just be. These days might feel like isolation or deeply lost but when we tune in with a little drop of faith over our fears and know that life has it's flavours, we eventually allow a compassionate and more unbiased or uninfluenced approach to solve for ourselves. Mind-you...these days would also test the trustworthiness of any relation or human investment in our lives and that may get hit badly or get wounded but the least you can do is ...wish well, distance a bit till you feel ready to talk or mend....but first, look after yourself, get all that is needed to mend the wound within.
   
   
5. Reflecting : Trying to make sense is also about reflecting in the past or various repeated patterns or experiences of life. Does the episode takes you back to any deep rooted belief you have about yourself, life in general or one that is either a fantasy or fear. Probably such times are to turn the spotlight upon the self and look deeper. 
   
   
6. Cultivating Acceptance: Yes, this is the most difficult of all....and hence, needs to be cultivated. One seed of thought with little willingness at a time; to accept the self in good and not-so good times. No-matter how questionable it gets or how outside of the league it sounds or looks...we should make every effort to accept the self, the event/s that became the trigger, the delayes we imposed on ourselves, the non-worthiness we feel about us or certain methods....we should give it all a chance with a kind heart.
   
   
7. Everyone is on a journey and are all a part of God's divine plan: Just believe. Be forgiving or be willing to forgive. No point in entertaining the harsh emotions or rage, revenge, envious or greedy or even self-pity. This too shall pass and all will be fine. Believe it.
   
   
8. When we help ourselves, the solution finds us too: in form of professional help, in form of a loving & caring neighbours, inform of understanding friends, in form of nature, bliss, physical health and art. Just go with the flow and never question the power of those uncalled-for tiny moments of happiness. We all deserve them. Just be thankful and indulge. Hard days calls for a reset, repurpose, re-wiring and shouldn't be imposing sadness...so know that you are allowed to feel loved, happy and calm. 

Thanks Tanu! Loads of love and Grace! takecare💖