Reshma Fry!

At that one bite of Nendra Banana fry, the realisation hit me hard that very soon these would be a rarity.

Things, people, relationship, friendship, anything that begins has a end and does come to an end...

My neighbour, my friend in crime, my laughter buddy, my 2am packing partner, someone who would cheer me up with watching Mr. Bean, my pillar of strength, my permission granter (Go buy that expensive stuff, go spend money on yourself, you keep giving people why not on yourself!?), one who would speak to plant like I do, we would do all the crazy stuff like to in parks and play in mud, bath in the beach behind her home (at native)

someone who speaks-up what's on my mind which I would have just lived in thought, she would sense if something is so wrong or when I would get hungry,

  someone who showered me with so much love...a love as pure as a mother's (and I am sobbing at this realisation)

--

(7.35 am 26sep2026)

Yesterday, when I reached home, I prepared my lunch and she came to offer food that she prepared and I shared that I cried in cab...she is like while I am here eat whatever food I offer...as much you want..

Infact, I sat in her kitchen, on the platform and ate like a over pampered baby 🐥....

I cried, I ate, I spoke and I cried again....

Now that I am on my way to the airport, I am crying again....

What gives me peace is, she is gonna be in the best place to be while she move ahead in her motherhood journey 🪷💕🙏.

May she be well, her family be blessed. loads of love and blessings for that kind soul full of love and mischief 😊🐥.

--

P.S. what I missed to mention, she makes awesome fry (South indian coastal delicacy) and I had renamed her contact as Reshma Fry! And what I was munching on was also Banana fry 🐒

Ways in which I showed-up for myself at work

 Ways in which I showed-up for myself at work 

1. Slow mornings: Taking an unapologetic late login at work.

- did gratitude journaling.
- EFT therapy a
- prepared Lunch box
- finished some of the daily chores.
- invited and accepted ease that comes along.

2. Self-care: Carrying my food (soaked nuts and seeds and vegetables juices) with me to work. 

3. Self advocacy: Pushing back on work that lacks process and is forced upon.

4. Creating a safe space for people to be themselves, where it was respectful to discussing difficult topics and express concerns and way forward.

5. Stayed focus on the scheduled agenda inspite of distractions.

6. Did self check-ins for my emotions and stayed true to it and aligned eg. When I realized I might be operating from kindness whereas I have been burnt in the past, I restricted myself and prepared myself to be flexible and be ready for surprises.

7. Respected and held my boundaries firm with such ease which feels so surreal to me. :)

8. Sometimes it also means reflecting at the feelings I feel and decline a lucrative offer... Just because that made my body feel relaxed.

Thank you, Tan for showing up for your self. 💕🌹🍉🌻

Not AI.. Just I

Amidst the chaos, trying to find the direction of my life, orientation to my day, my being, where every thing seems to be in some random momentum...

Work travel (BLR-SGP-US-SGP-BLR)
A change I am seeking and probably have it, but yet to decide about.
A disassociation (work) I need to intentionally balance
Projects I need to finish,
Assignments to be finished...and learnings to be implemented...

A Life I need to navigate...etc.

I chose to pause and feel my breath, the ease in it  when I doodle...

I felt as if the time paused....My heart was Joyous 

And now, all I need is to Sleep peacefully with Gratitude in my ❤️ 💜 

I found my four-leaf clover

Have you ever experienced a moment in your life when a situation seems to speak directly to your heart, and you simply know it to be true?

​I had one such experience recently, and I am overjoyed to share it here.

​The day I returned home after a two-week visit with family, I was unpacking my bag when I noticed that another charm on my handmade brass bracelet was missing. My colleagues and I had made these bracelets during a group activity. We each had hundreds of charms to choose from, though we were limited to selecting just four.

​I remembered helping a friend create one for her daughter during that session. I loved asking her about what her daughter liked; it was a brief but deeply meaningful conversation. Being in that observer role allowed me to glimpse a mother’s perspective—holding space for a daughter living far away in a foreign land.

​As for my own bracelet, each charm was chosen with care:

​The Blue Heart: A tiny heart, filled with small  blue crystal embedded in brass to remind me of self-love (I feed on love).

​The Solitaire Stone: An octagonal, diamond-like stone set in a brass cap. It felt so me—I’ve always loved single stones in jewelry, especially rings, much to my mother’s gentle complaining!

​The Rainbow: A brass rainbow with five arches, symbolizing a quiet promise that everything is and will be fine. Where the arches ended, it featured a tiny outlined heart and a star.

​The Clover Flower: A tiny brass clover with vibrant enamel colors on each petal. I had fallen for it instantly—love at first sight. I’ve always been fascinated by clovers, especially after learning how rare it is to find a true four-leaf clover.

​Over time, the charms began to slip away. First, I lost the blue heart. I told myself, It's okay, maybe a little girl will find it somewhere like a hidden treasure and feel loved. Then I lost the single stone, though I had no idea when or where. I let it go with gratitude, thankful for the joy it brought me while I wore it, almost daily.

​When I traveled home, only the clover and the rainbow remained. But upon my return, another had disappeared. My heart whispered, Maybe this is nature's way of telling you that you'll finally find a real four-leaf clover—the kind you’re always searching for in gardens, parks, and grasslands during the monsoon.

​I held onto that gentle thought, shared a laugh about it with my neighbor, and eventually let it fade into the background.

​Until this morning.

​I was arranging my diaries and books in my backpack for work, making room for my water bottle. Right there at the bottom, resting against the bright yellow lining of the bag, was the enamel clover. Its vibrant colors were practically smiling up at me.

​I paused, took a breath, and smiled right back.

​Indeed, I found my four-leaf clover. 🍀

Happy Gowri-Ganesha 🪷

What a day! Pressed, volatile, things coming together, festivals, meeting greetings friends and neighbours... remembering old friends etc.

What I loved the most about my day was that evening hour where I was the last devotee at the nearby ISKCON temple and sitting at the exit steps and enjoying the drizzle.

I was most alive and felt as if this particular drizzle was the one I could soak my being in...I was flowing with the flow of that breeze and drizzle, light at heart, ease in my being and heart filled with gratitude for everything and everyone that made my day. 🙏🪷

I was surrounded by Love and Grace 🙏🪷.

Happy Gowri- Ganesha!

A Habit & Feeling Loop

To Gemini: One by one, Ask me 5 Whys to get to root of a problem with a feeling and habit 

Scenario : when overwhelmed I catastrophize and feel panic and rush in my being and my mind gets clouded by emotions.

Let's unpack this together, step by step.

Starting with your scenario: When you feel overwhelmed, you catastrophize, experience panic and physical rushing, and your mind becomes clouded by emotions.

Why 1: Why do you think your mind immediately jumps to catastrophizing and panic when an overwhelming situation first arises?

I feel that panic only brings me close to attending to myself, else I don't know how to be comfortable in my being and be accepting of it

That is a deeply honest realization. It sounds like panic serves as an emergency alarm—the only signal strong enough to interrupt everything else and force you to pay attention to yourself.

Why 2: Why do you feel that you need an extreme state like panic or catastrophe to grant yourself permission to attend to your own needs?

I get a feeling of guilt if I priortize My own needs so possibly to avoid that guilt and be a good girl in society, one who is accommodating

It makes a lot of sense how that conditioning operates. The panic and catastrophe essentially create an unquestionable crisis, giving you "legitimate" permission to focus on yourself without having to actively choose yourself over others.

Why 3: Why do you believe that prioritizing your own needs before reaching a breaking point makes you unaccommodating or a "bad person"?

I feel all my life I have avoided taking responsibility of others, family, but stayed away from family, especially mom who unfortunately is trauma trigger for me.. Also I feel time is rushing so I better priortize others n when I get time will attend to me... So I feel relieved and less guilty or at ease in my body.

Thank you for sharing that so openly. It reveals two powerful, interconnected weights: the belief that time is constantly running out, and the heavy duty to put others first to compensate for staying away from your mother.

Why 4: Why do you feel that prioritizing others' timeline over your own is the only acceptable way to prove your worth or make up for keeping distance from your mother?

Because I didn't get married and don't fit in the good books of society and relationships and that had caused a lot of trouble and shame for my parents (possibly) so I don't want to end up being so abandoned from people whom I know or they know me.

That shows immense self-awareness. You’re carrying a heavy burden: using compliance, speed, and over-accommodation to build a shield against abandonment and to compensate for perceived shame.

Why 5: Why do you believe that fitting into society's expectations is the only true source of safety and belonging, even when maintaining that facade requires abandoning yourself until you reach a breaking point?

It's a loop, I feel my wins i.e work success only when my family feels happy and proud, inspite if me not feeling belonged to that life. I have no one to call freind or family outside work, it all feels that I am valued because m earning and self dependent so far. 

Please deconstruct this belief system and give me some practical grounding exercises

Thank you for sharing this. What you’ve mapped out is a incredibly clear, self-aware picture of a survival strategy that kept you connected, valued, and safe for a long time—even though it now costs you your peace, your bodily ease, and your sense of self.

Here is the step-by-step breakdown of how this loop operates, followed by two immediate physical and mental grounding practices to help interrupt the cycle when the panic and "rush" take over.

1. Deconstructing the Belief System Loop

Your system operates like an automated cycle where each stage triggers the next:

[Societal / Familial Expectations]

             │

             ▼

[Perceived Guilt & Fear of Abandonment] 

             │ ("I'm not married / I chose a different path")

             ▼

[Compensatory Habit: External Productivity & Serving Others]

             │ ("Validation comes from work, money, making them proud")

             ▼

[Self-Abandonment & Suppressing Your Needs]

             │ ("Time is running out; I'll attend to myself later")

             ▼

[Internal Crisis: Overwhelm, Panic & Catastrophizing]

             │ (The body's ONLY way to force you to pay attention to YOU)

             └───────────────────────┘

--

Key Breakthroughs in Your Loop

Panic as a Protection Mechanism:

Panic isn't a flaw; it is currently your body's only available tool to force you to pause. Because guilt blocks you from taking intentional rest, your nervous system generates a "crisis" (catastrophizing/panic) so that attending to yourself feels mandatory rather than selfish.

Conditional Belonging & Worth:

When your sense of safety relies on making others happy or being "self-dependent and earning," work and external performance become your proof of existence. But because this isn't rooted in what actually feels true or fulfilling to you, the wins feel hollow, reinforcing the feeling of isolation.

The False Binary:

Your mind has set up a strict rule: Either I conform to traditional expectations/serve others completely, OR I will be abandoned and unloved. Grounding yourself involves building a third option: Self-anchored belonging, where you give yourself permission to exist and rest without having to earn it.