So, yes, I am feeling emotionally exhausted and sitting here at the railway station, waiting for my train which is running late by four hours thirty minutes. I've shed a few tear drops for the suffocation I feel from taking on too much emotionally, and for the events that I am not capable of understanding nor accepting them as they are. Sometimes, I don't know where to begin to fix things.
I find myself totally isolated and lone.
At times, it's also the yearning to be near my own people, when I could take time away from work and be with them. But they have distanced themselves or are filled deep with deep resentments which doesn't allow them to experience ease, love, trust or even be in the now....their whole being is filled with anxiety, self imposed compulsions, burdened with the unspoken expectations and conditioning...which has turned into bitterness.
I can feel deeply how much my heart, in it's core wants to scream, let it all out and take a break from my own self for a while. But definitely one cannot take this liberty to be able to scream with family being around else they will declare me mad and disown me...ha ha ha.
Well, It has been long since I sat with myself to jot a few lines of gratitude and as always, here I am...(Yup those heart touching voice and lyrics..💕)
Today I am truly and deeply greatful for :
1. All the episodes of crazy laughter due to one mistake of mine... turning the toggle switch on, on the train app (whereismytrain) to 'inside the train' while tracking the live status of my train from my home. The app showed that my train has reached my boarding station, catching my phone signal; whereas, a minute back it was 3 hours away.
This change in toggle switch changed the pace and environment around. It was around 4:30 pm and we (Mom, aunt and myself) were all in the kitchen for our evening Tea and how one switch made my aunt take a cup of tea in a quarter size plate to cool it down, Mom started to pack my tiffin whereas I began to dump all the scattered items on my bed into the suitcase, mom on other hand was also on a call with a auto driver, asking him if he knows train has arrived 😃
Later I realise that the app is taking my current location and the train has got further delayed by a few hours. Thank God.
(But one thing I realised, the pain of missing a train is more as compared to boarding a delayed one...delayed with dynamic frequency of time 😂
And secondly, Mom's will be Mom's ...have no training in handling any sort of such emergency rather Food is the only thing that matters when it comes to their kids 🫢. With the choices they both made to enable me to be able to reach train station on time was absolutely around food 🥑)
2. The chance to visit a nearby temple (Nav Chandi and Shiv temple) and attend the evening Aarti. Best part was the loud drum-beats which made my heart release some emotional heaviness as the sound resonated on my chest area and I felt as if the desire to scream was satisfied... without actually screaming.
3. Maa-Papa, Badimummy x २, Bade papa and all of their love and heart in me...how much they all care and look after me... irrespective of whatever misfit I may be..their affection motivates me to leave behind the hurts or shame I carry (deep within) and aspire to bring some happiness back at them, acknowledging and respecting the time on hand.
4. This time of WFH where I could just be home...laughter with bade Papa, have long deep conversations about my journey of self awareness, the distance between myself and Mom's Bond etc..
5. All 4 days that I could visit Jain sadhviji and could offer them Gochri not just at home but everywhere they visited while out for seeking Gochri💕🙏❣️
6. The visits to local fair (Navchandi Mela) near the temple and all the shopping and laughter with Badi mom and Mummy. (Ramesh ka haath (back scratching tool which looked like a palm miniature), beautiful glass Bangles, footwears and my favourite Indian Gooseberry candy).
7. The time spent with Papa this morning, cleaning his Car, helping him with laptop etc...
8. The tongue twister practice this morning with all family members and laughter (Upper Roller, Lower Roller)
9. All the knowledge that came my way to ease me . Including an insta post talked exactly about the above deets and generational trauma. It appearing on my screen was truly magical and made me feel deeply comforted with the knowledge that - atleast somewhere someone or something understands my dilemma and journey.
10. The Red moon which I could see from within the dark A2 compartment of my delayed train
11. All my friends, their Love and care and the one desperately waiting for me at Pune (ty Bitti)🙏💕
12. Everything that helped me ease a bit and be a little bit more into the day...be more mindful.
13. Playing songs on mom's phone this evening, (Tu kya jaane - Amarsingh chamkila), playing cards with the family and visiting cousin...Maa's limited or unlimited love
Thanks Tan for taking this time. I love you so much and I wish that my love fills your heart enough that you continue to walk and cherish life at it's own course.
Looks like too much of feeling of love chocked me
...and I may be getting a bit emotional now.
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