Liberation

3/8

Friend:

I want him to move on ru

Can't see him suffering like this

Everytime he screams Amma, it's heart wrenching

Me:

He will S.... When it's his time

Just pray. Ur dharma here is to be around with him

Facilitate him in his journey.

I know it's toughest.

But still....

U feeling and thinking it as 'suffering' is worrisome

He has to take his journey

Let him

And when it's right time... he will pass in it's totality and acceptance.

3/9

I wokeup this morning and stayed in my bed for a while wondering what is it that I am feeling and what would I want to do during my day...

And since I am visiting home, I have noticed my heart always beats as if it is dancing to the tune of some hard rock music. I wonder why, why is there so much palpitations and a fear that lingers all thru... somewhere I knew my answers and somewhere not yet...

I then stepped out and entered kitchen to take some warm water and ask my bade papa if he would want tea. As per his daily routine, he and my Badimaa visits sthanak ( a holy place of worship for shwetambar Jains, a hall sort with basic amenities and mostly no fan of lights..as per Jainism) from 8.45am to 10.20am. Today my Badimaa was travelling for some religious gathering and bade papa asked me to join him for the daily morning Discourse by the visiting Satiyaji (Lady maharasab).

I hesitantly said yes but then I let myself feel free to cherish such rare occurance and events in my life.

I took shower, got ready, had a few sip of tea and started with a 'Muh Patti' in one hand. Before leaving home, I had messaged and informed my friend that I might be away from phone for an hour or so...just incase I am needed...

May be this was from my own learnings that there are days in one's life when  knowing that someone is there for you is a big relief...

Me and bade Papa reached sthanak in about 15 mins. There were just two people in the hall... one elderly uncle sitting on the side where all gents would sit and he was wearing his Pooja attire (a white dhoti and another white cloth to cover upper body) and to the far end of the hall, against the wall was one of the Satiyaji, she was was on her mat.

I helped my badepapa place the floor mat on the side where all ladies would sit and may join later, during the discourse. After this, Badepapa went to the corner room to change into pooja attire and keep aside his mobile phone etc. While I was entering the hall my heart was filled with a bit of guilt and fear of shame.. of not knowing much about the religion I am born in, I took a seat in the  the middle, along the long edge of that rectangular 8x5 ft mat. 

As I sat, I had many thoughts passing like clouds...one such thought was to seek some blessings from the Satiyaji for my friend's ailing Dad.... battling last stage Prostate Cancer. With each day the disease taking it's toll, testing the Human grit and also the trauma their loved ones goes thru...

The very recent picture that I saw broke my heart. I sobbed uncontrollablely.... strangely, I had only met that person once...that too may be twelves years back but still I donno what hit me so hard. I guess a bit of my heart sinked-in knowing the pain my friend must be dealing with; seeing the only person he felt belonged to and loved so much, the only source of his inspiration and his strength, one who stood by him in toughest of the times of his life... helpless and retiring from life. With savings running dry, with his own health going for a toss due to Sleeplessness and stress, from struggling to meet a promiss he has made to his Dad but time and life had it's own plan.

While sitting in that Hall, for a moment I felt so selfish for 'asking'. But then, I got along with the discourse...in the hope that I might get some answers for myself. Partially, yes, the discourse had some element that talked about the bhav (भाव –related to intent) and chitt (चित्त – related to the Body).

 At the end of that one hour, after the chorus of devotional prayers, discourse etc, when we were all taking leave, I went close to the Satiyaji with muh-patti on (mouth cover with white cloth), I bowed down to the elder one and it felt as if they can gauge the depth of one's heart...we both looked into eachother eyes and we both had a softness in our gaze...more like that of being able to share something deep and being heard.... I felt so safe in that presence, I requested her to visit home for Gochri (a practice of walking to Jain family homes (preferably) that meets the criteria of 'susta', at a certain time of the day to collect food as alms) and she simply replied with the explanation on why she isn't able to come to that side of the town.

It was a sweet meet.

I then respectfully bowed down to her and took leave. On my way out of that hall, met a few elderly uncle and aunty who wouldn't have recognised me since I haven't visited sthanak in many years... atleast in my own hometown. It was somewhat weired but also soothing to connect and introduced myself.

All this time, my badepapa had already changed from his Pooja attire to pant shirt and left the hall.  He was waiting near his two wheeler for me to join him. We started back for home, I got a few calls from distant relatives and was on it, all thru during the ride.

As soon as I reached home, I realised I hadn't checked my messages and my phone was still on airplane mode and I was using my badepapa's phone all this while. 

Then I got busy with helping mom in the kitchen, doing a bit of office work and then lunch....after lunch, I was feeling a bit sleepy but unable to let go the restless and palpitations...so I tuned to Yognidra....

I was in a deep state of rest while in yog nidra and something nudged me and I wokeup...and removed my phone from DND mode. I see the below message from my friend :

[3/9, 2:24 PM] Arun just called

[3/9, 2:24 PM] Dad's pulse stopped

[3/9, 2:25 PM] Going to hospital

[3/9, 2:34 PM] He moved on

I don't know what state I was in, I felt a bit relieved, felt surprised with the turn of events as all I was hearing that his horoscope says he would stay till April and seeing all the pain and failing conditions it was heart wrenching to even sink-in that longtime ...and yet, a tear formed in my eyes, without my knowledge...but I didn't want to cry because somewhere I know this would add karma to that soul.

I stay laid in my bed praying for the departed soul... And all that his body went thru, bearing the unbearable pain, the family who made sure to spend time near him during his last days.

Without caring for anything else.

My heart remembered the morning visit to sthanak and what my heart longed for, the realization of the prayer that I did not know I were praying, the liberation of the soul.... liberation of the dear one...from this wordly pains etc. 

In the evening, while litting a lamp, I remembered Satiyaji and deeply thanked them, I prayed for the soul that was so elevated. 🙏

Om Shanti.