Firstly, I shall confess that it is extremely hard for me to engage in such a self talk and I would rather go around the world (in my mind) seeking solace but for sitting with self and asking the questions that will make me uncomfortable but, in turn will heal me and bring ease.
In Indian traditions, at any auspicious occassion, Hindus break coconuts; at my level, such auspiciousness begins with me sobbing...as if the limits of bearing the overwhelming feelings, self-criticism, dismissal from those who are mine, the burden of the past that I carry etc has all reached the threshold and my being is crying as if that's the only peaceful release I have had known.
Yes, there are better, more productive ways of releasing the bottled-up feelings but I must confess! I am addicted to Crying! Or sobbing till I exhaust and fell asleep, or feel that my breath has gone back to the normal rhythm.
The process of self-reflection started with asking a intentional question to self, in a softer, more compassionate tone (something, I have to practice hard) - What is it troubling you Tan? Why are you feeling this deep hurt?
It's so funny how this effort of self Soothing tone and love spoke to me, it made me feel calm and for the first time, I was attentive to my own self and wasn't just going on an autopilot mode...
I allowed myself to reflect, go over every event that triggered me, be it Dad's rejected comment on a small task where I gave a shirt for ironing (only to save him some time, so that he can spend that undivided time with me) or Mom's casual dismissal at every point I make or we having a regular conversation. I also carried the heaviness of feeling 'failed', in all my attempts to crease out basic gaps or misunderstandings with family, rather I was considered as an outsider, barging into the hard walls of insecurities and I was asked to keep mum. In addition, the unresolved traumas that I carry where I feel I was betrayed, was violated and was damaged, all in the name of Love and friendship. My being felt lost and shattered.
I don't know about others, but for me, when a girl is violated or taken advantage of...it cuts her deeper than any physical wound can ever, her whole being and her existence become a living question. Mostly, because a girl's upbringing, especially in an Indian household, she is protected, nurtured and taught that shamefulness is a part of her and the weight of public morality lays heavy on her...
What happens when a violation or betrayal is planned and is in turn blamed or turned towards that girl and would be told that she agreed to go along...
She looses, looses not just faith in people - she once considered close that she could lay her soul bare, but then, she looses herself. Every breath of her, every act of her, every word she speaks or be like, she thinks it all twice. She looses self confidence because at the level of her surrender, there was this last step of trust and unspoken agreement that she would be walked hand in hand, thru the path of life, and will be respected and cared for and would be supported at events where she may be very naive or would be talked thru, may be that was my wishful thinking or an oversight in terms of knowing people.
Or maybe that was all too heavy-a-load of expectations on the other...or just my fate.
Such underlying struggle, shame, especially when one looks into the eye of a dear one and know this truth deep within tayt they failed them too; on a day-to-day basis weighs extremely heavy and it gets emotionally and physically exhausting to be able to engage in living a life meaningfully or with ease.
On one hand, one tries various support system, simultaneously work regularly on self, untie one thread at a time, one emotion at a time, one shame at a time, one trigger at a time...unlocking the knots that tightens the soul.
But a small gust of life's events or people's behaviour can put it all to waste.
This is also the time one is most vulnerable, smallest of ignorance or attitude of people one engages with, hurts deeper and resets the course of healing.
On other hand, I feel I have lost that sense of what is acceptable boundaries for myself with others and what is not or with whom do we held those boundaries and at times or mostly end up hurting the ones who cared for me.
I use to meet everyone with an open heart but now, I overthink and stay aloof and isolated as much possible because I am tired of fixing or dealing with this constant overwhelme. I go blank. If relationships, even so called friendships are failing I would ignore the fact and be quick to let go and forget any disagreements and move along untill I realize, I have been taken for granted or being taken advantage off, all over again... probably that's what I am deserving off.
I would be made to feel like an option and I would agree to that and accept it. Because that is what makes me feel that I belonged...less judgmental towards self, more agreeing to not have to go thru self doubts etc.
This leads me to another biggest factor of hurt and sadness - Validations. The validations I seek from my own people, complete strangers or those who have known me a bit because it all deeply matters to me and I unknowingly spend a considerable amount of time just seeking it, at first it was all unknowingly. And I would just beat myself-up in the end.
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