A day amidst the dense cloud of thoughts, of longing, of poetry emerging while bathing, of a breakfast with a friend followed by an ugly fight, screams and bursting of pent-up anger, of running away, of breathing heavy and deep, of hurting the other (emotionally) because I haven't taken the time to make peace or face my own hurts.... of bottling-up feelings and thoughts or say locking them as the time was never right or I never felt the need to prioritize myself or my ease; A day of - so called call-off and riding back with tears being dried by the winds racing against the direction of bike....of finding solace at an isolated hilly corner of the nearby temple surroundings...(my safe space), of letting the flood of tears out...of shedding the heaviness in heart...
And then, the temple bells and drums started to play and I was uplifted in my spirits, this time I din't feel guilty of being whatever I was a few minutes back and the rhythmic sound in the surroundings pulled-me in peace.
I had to break the flow as was in a rush for nature's call (yeah...not all is fancy or fictional like any 'happily ever after' movies).
On my way back, I saw a few colorful roses at a roadside flower shop i.e. just a table and chair. An elderly lady sitting and hand weaving some garlands of white jasmine buds and on the table was an old, used paint-bucket filled half with water and a bunch of roses of various colors i.e Pink, baby pink, yellow, dark pink and even blood red or maroon ones, dipped in. I parked my two wheeler on one side of the road and purchase four roses - two pink ones, a dark pink and one blood red colored one from the lady. As it was Ugadi, she was clad in a beautiful light copper colored saree with a thin golden border and her salt-pepper hairs were tied loosely as they were wet and had a small white garland (gajra) tucked in, she also had a sandalwood bindi on her forehead. Such beauty and grace clad around traditions and culture always makes me curious as to how they do it all and what keeps them going, is it the memory or love of the family being experienced thru these traditions?
At a few steps, there was a vegetable and a fruit's vendor, I picked-up a few veggies and few Elakki bananas from there too. My mood shifted gears i.e. from sobbing my heart out in a corner to being deeply happy after seeing those flowers and taking that effort to purchase them for myself (not offering at the temple..in my heart I gave a flying bow to the God & I am sure he would understand.)
Finally, I reached back home with my scooter (which was away for months or probably an year, with my friend). The feeling of it being back, parking it in the house gave me a slight sense of freedom, may be I was slowly addicted to it's presence in my life as one of my companion, not just for jolly rides but also when I need a healing, to ride to a space where I can breath-in effortlessly, to isolate and hide away from the world or just finish all my mundane tasks.
At home, I wanted to head straight for a shower - my grey embroidered top was soaked in tears and the wiped running nose 🙈...Yes, I DON'T CARE! but then, first things first, I had to visit loo.
In the bathroom mirror, I noticed that my eyes have got red and puffy. Seeing the messy house, I had to roll my sleeves and get messy to organize it but before that I latched the main door so that I can hide my puffy face from neighbors who definitely would walk-in anytime...especially with loads of festival food...in-fact, I was suppose to have my breakfast with them but I skipped.
I took a few mins pause and decided the order of pending items to close. 1) Check if ironing shop is open > If yes, wrap the folded clothes and walk-up to the shop to deliver it, 2) Start with handwashing the soaked clothes & Bedsheet, on the washing stone on terrace so that the clothes can soak-up enough sunlight while drying ...(and maybe brighten my being too :P), 3) Dusting, broom-ing and mopping the house 4) organizing my kitchen a bit 5) Take shower and again finish washing the last set of worn clothes.... 6) Lit the lamp with bananas as offerings 7) Changing bed Linen 7) Get to the pending Permaculture online training (had a very ambitious target of closing 46 hrs of training by the 1st quarter, say these three days of, time off-work..:()
In between, I got many messages from neighbour's to have either breakfast or lunch together. I told her I am full and will take when I am starving...but that was a plain lie and I was just not willing to meet anyone with my puffy eye and face.
From the listed order or chores, In between 6th & 7th, my 1st floor neighbor came to return my vessels with traditional sweet (obuttu/ Holige) & some dal vadas (my favourite, from her kitchen). I gave her a handful of my snack - cut banana topped with Gulkand & dry coconut, which I was munching after shower and had paused when I remembered to wash my mouth and lit lamp first, after all this is the Hindu New year (and I never know what and when God may take something personal or against me...). I made a story for my neighbor that I was feeling exhausted and sleepy and was about to take a nap. She then quickly left but I actually was exhausted and slept off for few hours..or was in some weird mental haze, probably the psychical and mental exhaustion plus, the heavy festival food.
While on bed, I picked-up my phone to write a few lines that was emerging while I was bathing and once a space is cleared, deeper layers of thoughts surfaces, I remembered a few instances from my days last week, where I wanted to write about - who I am?, my likings, the bottled-up anger and triggers after knowing more about the fact of certain truth of one's life and the deep hollowness I feel when I seek Mom's understanding towards me or my words or feelings or just for the sake of a Mother-daughter bond but every time, I fell on my face all over again. It breaks my heart and my heart keep searching that space in every one I meet, consciously or unconsciously.
Then, after a good long nap and an approx ~45 minutes of Permaculture session, learning a few interesting facts about permaculture design systems, how the flow of water is always 90 degrees to the contours, about tropical lines and hemisphere...I felt a little bit excited and wondered that all these stuff that I studied in my school days are now making sense and the concepts are crystal clear. Probably, back then I never knew the bigger picture of the knowledge being imparted to us kids.
Towards, the evening, I opened my door and neighbours's came flooding-in from all floors, with tons of festive food for me, some of which I had to store for tomorrow and I felt immensely blessed.
Later, I had a call with Mom and I shared with her the thief saga from yesterday; the thief visited three houses in our colony and stole few stuff and how we ran behind him, plus how he was so kind to shift my washed bedsheet, drying on terrace to a clothes line before taking the aluminum rods underneath the bedsheet :D. Mom and I had a hearty laugh on call.....I miss such lighter moments with her and this lightheartedness of her touches my heart. I get tears at times, just for the longing of such comfort with her.
And now coming to the topic of Movies and the only reason why I got here...jotting this blog...In my sombre mode, I stumbled upon a netflix movie - 'The Life List' and seeing a scene where, the elderly mother of three, snuggles with her youngest dear daughter while having a heart to heart conversation...My tender heart wondered if there exits something of that sort or is it just movies because the last time I was home, I tried to hold my mom in my embrace, she felt lean to me, as if shrunken, but she couldn't let herself be, she experienced discomfort....and I know, probably she never experience such language of love. 🥹
And then, my next door neighbour sisters came with some tea and more sweets and food, Plus one of their plastic trunk which is a makeshift arrangement as a closet of clothes to discuss and decide on the clothes for her upcoming biz trip to Hyderabad.
Not to mention, towards the evening, I reached-out to my friend who is also grieving his father's demise and stated that probably none of us are in right emotional state to be kind or understanding to each other and need to take a break. My heart felt lighter..not for this but after the fight (i get to empty myself and my thoughts bothering me :P...Sorry )
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And now, I am off to the movie...and hopefully should be able to complete it tonight...I mean before I sleep.
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Well, not me but the roses slept off ...
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