My today...

In the last few days, I reached a space where I didn't want to write anything or anymore, I would have this desire and many thoughts but soon it will die down. Probably, the experiences I was going thru, were broadly scattered on the spectrum of human emotions and were too frequent.

And I somewhere lost that ability to pace-up and weave them thru words.

Broadly I experienced, deep longing, Anger, grief, sadness, withdrawn, elated, peaceful, mesmerized, rushed, pained and a minimal traced of ease too.

Longing for that shared space with that special someone where I was more of me and the experience was mutual and deeply respectful.

Anger when I was mistreated by my own folks (which is usual and casual for them, probably.  May be it wasn't ever intentional or not even that they were self aware...).

Grief with memories of the past and struggle to let go or drop.

Sadness when I couldn't be in the Now and was either busy planning the next or grieving the last.

Withdrawn when the hurt nudged the wounded and unhealed nooks of my being.

Elated when I took decisions and prioritised ease and eventually it all turned out so well. (Green Amman temple and Chidambaram Temple with Mom and her friend 💖)

Peaceful when I could see feelings shifting, we respecting our individual spaces and finding or creating new ones.

Mesmerized with the blessings bestowed on me in many ways known and unknown to me.

Rushed when the days began to feel normal but also holidays getting shorter, on one hand, a trip coming to closure where as another begins and it continue in loop till the rest of this year. 

I felt rushed at times where I took the responsibility to look after the other and to plan ahead, with trying to balance the inner being and the exterior one, when struggling to find that mental space to paint or read. Art submerges me into an ease and probably that is something I am depriving of myself and do not feel worthy to invest in....(Sorry Tan).

Pained to allow myself that insight of what parents would have struggled with or would have experienced for me to bring me up (after watching some insta post that says do not hurt your mother ...not with your Anger, nor with your silences..etc). And that unbearable anger that I sometimes feel due to unresolved traces of trauma...(Sorry Maa😔💔). I wish I would have known you better and wish of your journey could have been smoother while I was growing up..

Ease at last seeing Mom letting herself loose, smile, laugh, share like normal parents of a being 🙏💖 (deeply greatful to God for this. And I am aware this may be momentary but for now all I want is that I hold on to this memory in my heart).

Laughter when Mom and Aunty got lost in the tiny lane and in their attempt to find some familiarity...on call they asked if I can see a water tank 😀 and later when we entered a veg restaurant for dinner, by mistake aunty broke a ceramic plate which slided off the table when she took her handbag. 

Bliss - Live singing of Sathiya ye tune kya kiya song and pehla nasha in Tamil and Hindi combination....what a voice! The best part...the timing of this song when I am about to leave the city and in the quietness of the guest house balcony I can hear this song as if it is being sung from above the sky, for me.💖💕

(View from balcony of the guest house. Room C8)

Any we boarded the train laughing again as they both were dilly-dallying and came at their own pace without even knowing which train to board, what coach or seat number!! 😂