Feeling of 'not-being safe'

A short walk in these wet lanes, roads that are covered with various flowers and having mini puddles  at the bevelled and  curvy edges on either sides of it. 

I had stepped out for a morning ginger chai and  returned back to the guest house. 

Laying here in my room, twisting and turning on the bed for almost an hour... from some deeper level of consciousness, I was forced to pause and do a simple check-in with self, what my body is experiencing, what signals am I getting, my feelings etc

One by one I started to observe, my eyes were feeling tired and were poppy (when I saw them in mirror), though I was experiencing peace in my immediate surroundings, my heart was vigilant.

I thought inner child affirmations might help and turned them on on YouTube. Slowly, yet deeply the words were sinking-in, and at one point I knew what I was going thru....

A feeling of "not-being safe". And I clearly knew that this wasn't from any place or anyone but presence of Mom around on this trip with me. She is a kind hearted person but while she entered into her motherhood journey, her ecosystem was possibly not as safe or comfortable and her whole being turned out differently, especially for her kids and husband. 

And me, growing up in that environment crumpled as an individual, completely forgetting the importance and need for an identity as a 'self'. My innocent childhood was hooked to safeguard herself against the harshness of wounding words, threatening stares, anger, what if something goes wrong, of failing my parents etc.

And today, fast fwd. ~37 years, the palpitations says it all, the uneasiness that I struggled to leave behind says it all. It's not easy...

But I am glad for this elevated space of awareness and knowledge, of tools and resources to change the course...one breath at a time, one conversation (with innerchild) at a time, one forgiving thought at a time, one loving smile at a time, one deliberate attempt at a time -to nurture the self and indulge in all that brings Joy.

(Click from my walk today. Loved those tiny droplets, brighten by the rising morning sun. Those droplets carried and were vibing with vibrant joyous energy)

(This pouring of words here, was one such attempt and none to hurt or condemned anyone, not even in the tiniest corner of my heart)