As always, I go into panic, strong uneasiness and stress...it feels like I am the planner and I am the one dealing with it all for visually no meaningful purpose...
My stressful state was to an extent that when I reached the airport, around 12 am, cleared immigration formalities and was waiting at the lounge; is when It struck me that my body is now coming to terms with this reality of mine - that I am travelling overseas for second time in single year.
Other wise, my mind was running ahead of it's time, juggling timeliness and deadlines and body was just acting were emotions were struggling to pace- up with Mom's visits, getting to know me around her, getting to know her, aunty joining, our travel to Pondicherry together, all the planning and exploring new places, resturants and back in Bangalore all that we could do in the remaining few days and along the heavy lashing rains!
(I saw magic taking place when Rains would take a break and allow us to exprlor and be back safely and comfortably. We could do Burma Burma @indiranagar when Bangalore reported the worst traffic and also visited the Gurudwara same night and had our dinner sign-off (so to say) with the Prasad : Ghee halwaa 💖, next day I visited office but mom and aunty could do 'MTR dosa' and visit to Art of living, my heart felt deep gratitude and awe)
Back to where I left ...
With awareness and history of childhood trauma, and working towards healing thru it, now-a-days I tend to see everything - every experience, expression, feelings etc, with a lens of something to be healed or dwelled deeper into and my go to friend in this all is - Google Search 🔍 :).
I went ahead and and searched 'Disbelief' and learned that it's not just lack of belief at a certain thing, people or situation, but could be categorised as an inability too. I was surprised! this learning broadend my horizon of understanding.
The search results further added subsets to my question too like:
Q. what is the root cause of Disbelief?
A. Could be loving a wrong person (this was to specific though and dint felt relevant to me).
Q.How to fix disbelief?
A. Belive in God's plan and that reminded me of my LinkedIn status title : Believe Passionately!
I was writing all this while on a flight of sixteen hours and was on and off with my thoughts, watching drama movies and munching all thru and sipping camomile else hot chocolate 💖. It all really makes me wonder what did I do to deserve all this, things or experiences that people die to have (biz class travel, luxury around etc) where as, I seem to just flow, if it's all in my being as second nature. But surely a stark contrast to my life back home.
When I got a bit bored, I started this movie "City of second chances" and loved the whole story, chances people get or were meant to be. I also loved the dialogue in it :
Perfection has a
For a change, miles away from my people, my country, up in the sky, 40 thousands ft. above the land; the light-heartedness of the movie made me feel at ease and sparked a new hope about self, about relationships, about life in general. And I slipped into a much relaxed and comfortable deep sleep.
I wokeup, ordered some hot chocolate. While feeling the warmth of the hot cuppa in my palms, and cozing in the chill biz-class cabin, I starteed looking for another movie from the available 4000 to select from, across languages, genra🍿 regions etc.
And my heart chose "Longing", coz that's what I felt and lived most of the time of my life and thought this movie can either comfort me or intreguie me. And I was taken away by this movie, it opened my heart for "acceptance of life and it's events, both what we feel kind and unkind to us". Simply, I loved it and loved the lead character and actor who did so much justice to the role :)
All I am realising, growing-up, travel to me was an uncomfortable area.... for many reasons and one of the primary one was financial shortfalls and another was being a girl. Whenever we travelled, we always did it in group if family members, but never alone. so I unconsciously avoided it. But slowly, I am getting to experiencing my liking and longing for it. How it helps me meet me at deeper layers.. infact in one of the "insights discovery" session report, it was recommended that I travel for work and it would make me more productive.....and I still wonder how true it is and magical.
Wrapping this post with the tagline on one of the pillow that matches the one on my laptop bag too :)
And off to next movie of my journey: Young women and the sea ⛵ possibly one more as I still have ~5 hours to land :).
Thank you God and super G (my employer) for all that I got to experience while I am with you💖🙏✍️🦋
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