Not all days are same..

After a bit of ease that I felt in last two days, today was different. I wokeup extreamly tired and hopeless sort.. without any willingness to step out or even touch work.

To tick the general routine, I got up from my bed, stepped out of my house and went upstairs to adore the rising Sun from the open terrace, but I felt as if it was just my mind that walked along and my heart and soul were completely missing in action.

Withdrawn, I came back to my room, tucked myself in my bed again... asked Alexa to wake-me up after an hour and repeatedly reminded myself 'I am allowed to take it easy and rest and just be' untill my body dropped all the morning rush, the uncalled guilt and lay easy. Between these thoughts and efforts, I was zoning in and out and at one point,  I was subconsciously working on myself; my breath was slow and easy, I asked myself to allow it to surface- the thoughts or beliefs which are deep rooted and which are no-longer helping me. To my surprise a scene flashed! I was approached by a white British guy in light blue formal shirt and he was irritated with my question expressed it by throwing a glass full of coffee at me and said you chose 'hurt'!.

Just after that statement, very next moment I was wide awake in my mind and it almost felt like a revelation...I looked deeper and scanned my feelings, thoughts, encounters with people, places, events etc and that one emotion I carried as a baggage all thru....'The Hurt'. What troubled more was the fact that I chose it for me, many time knowingly and a few times unknowingly. My cheeks were wet with hot tears streaming from my eyes, with each interpretation, resemblance of this truth in my waking life and I analysed it further. I sobbed. It all looked quite dramatic but not to my heart....it was what it was! without a doubt. I experienced  humiliation, hurt and disrespect when the coffee scene appeared. And I sat with that emotion to let myself be less judgmental and allow that feeling to fade away.

I wondered where and at what age I started to feel the need for me to embrace hurt or not feel worthy of love, ease, care etc?...and the memories speeded back to my childhood. I grew up telling myself that I am a burden to my family and that I need to be soon on my own... It hurts as I write this but yes, that is my truth. A lot of deep dive and work of self-healing is needed to allow to cleanse the psyche and flow with life...as it's all locked in layers and would surface as it gets triggered with outside world.

Hence, Not all days are same.. some are miraculous like today when a burden is lifted off. 

I regained a bit of self-worth when a friend called (almost after an year) trusted me to confide in me and share about the challanges he is dealing with in his life and at last there was a sweet goodbye with a care and respect intact. Knowing I have blessings in form of 'such friendships' make me to walk along with life wherever it takes me...