To be understood...

Those days are weird when your mind is fogged and you can't point on one particular feeling that you are experiencing and identify that yeah this is what I am going thru....

My evening was somewhat similar and I shed some tears under the hot shower in bath, to ease my body and emotions... Realised I am missing my Daadi's (Grandmother) presence dearly! 

She was my safe space, my peace and would have answers to all my confusions and questions. How idiotic it is that someone who has left this earth long ago is suddenly on the top of one's memories, almost as if my heart is seeking her in and around the four walls of my house believing she may appear for me....and the reality hit me hard and I sob uncontrollably. I want to ask her why she left me, dint she care that I would need her?

May be she had a better purpose elsewhere because of the loving and kind being she was🫂. I recollect the buried memories of  her presence and my childhood with her. I never felt this way for her ...this void....this yearning....her death was peacefully accepted as she had lead her life blissfully and that stayed with me till date. Her presence in my life was my biggest blessings and I trust that I have had absorbed her teachings in everyway I could. But for some unknown reason it all is failing me today. How, like a bird, I gather the courage to build my humble nest for the day and the sudden blow of the winds of emotions, memories or triggers scatter it away and distroys it all. 

I feel mean for seeking her when I needed that safe space for myself and asked - How it would have helped me with if she was around? And the only answer I heard was - to be understood 💔. I brokedown again and let the streams of tears flow....they needed to be let out for all things that I am trying to make sense of and yet for all the times that I am misunderstood 🙏.

I would like to remind myself that -The wound is the place where the Light enters you.   ~rumi.

I don't know anything about the light yet but for sure, I wanted to feel this wound and make peace with it....flow with it and just be.

(I miss you, Bai. Will you meet me soon?...take me in your embrace and tell me that all will be ok...)