Traces on the trails

With no clear direction...I started off this post, I am at the brim of such confusion that I couldn't even decide on a title. At one moment I wanted to complete few old pending posts more from my Ooty travel (last year) but at next, I want to brain-dump all about my eventful life of past few months and then I thought of taking a good note of breezy cool summer evenings but then it rained here (Bangalore) since last three days and summer disappeared and so were my thoughts and at last I thought of taking a stalk of my long weekend and all the self discoveries that I have had in the very recent days....

When there is so much to engage with life at times feel too overwhelming with a certain unseen rush and then the age adds to it...precisely for a girl (per the Doctors, not me).

Anyways, let's look deeper into how am I feeling and how am I really doing in my life. As a continuation to one of my post about past life regression session, I recall that I had filled a form before the session began; it had very clear statement of what is my pattern that I wish to release and gracefully some memories of certain events made me realise my core belief of that of Struggle. Ease is something I do not believe I can experience and If I experience it, I distrust which leads to unconsciously me adding some element of struggle to it. It all may seem so very dramatic but the inner life of beliefs are such thick chains to cut that only I know. Had also written that I want to flow with life easily and effortlessly with grace.

While I was resting this noon, I played some audio from Louise hay and while I was about to slip into a deep nap in my heart I had the urge to check with myself if I even accept myself in totality...with all it's flaws and blessings. The scars, one from this life as far as I can remember to those I carry from the past lives....(when I have all the reasons to believe with the signs I was shown), those that I see and is only known to me to one that the world had perceived me as, do I feel safe within my own skin, my being, my thoughts, my wishes, my likings and deep in my heart? The answer is a simple straightforward NO!. 

And then, I question myself - why?, how do I feel about it? or with that refusal within.....
And right now as I write this, I know my chest feels terribly heavy and breathless. It is hard and tough. The answer to that Why, I may not know or mostly I dread dwelling into it, it hurts. The traces I find, goes back to the days of my childhood days. [a long deep breath and a promise to self, i had accepted and I let go what is no longer support my being]. .....

to be continued....