Today while enroute to office, I was reflecting at a lot of things and events that took place in my life and in one or the other way had a lasting impact on me. The Family I was born in, the relationship I share with my parents, the friends I have or had, the fears I developed, the resistance I build as a safety mechanism, the flexibility I denied to feed my belief system and foster it into a reality, Life that I understood and thought as mine, the people I connect at work and growth as a person I encountered, if not during my academics. Towards the tail of my travel, I had a bout of mixed emotions happiness for the life it is and the beauty and variety of it and yet the balancing factor in challenges that it throws at us.... I wiped my tears and got ready to be at work after a distracted two months which in a way bought a lot of discipline in me more so for my emotional wellbeing.
I also wanted to write about a few episodes that still triggers and may be by the way of writing them, I let them be and allow my sanity & peace to stay intact.
1. On that last call I was told - I will never be a botheration in your life.
How it felt (in my heart, to me) : I got what I aimed at and I no longer need you. You are no-where close to my expectations of you or (anyone in that place in my mind and heart). I had had enough to deal with, in my life and you were a good healthy distraction till that time. I tried to contact you but never felt the need to intensify it with the feelings that I expressed before getting you. I had learned the lesson in life - never chase relationships and live my life with no-regrets - One day at a time.
2. On that call with mom...(Where I was so sure that me sharing my life's events (hard ones & Good ones) will give us the platform to grow together emotionally.) - I told her that I suspect hormonal imbalance which is triggered by emotions.
response I got - You have decided not to connect with one person (get married) and as a result you end-up connecting or getting close to many people and get hurt and a imbalance is bound to happen.
How it felt (in my heart, to me) : You are a girl and you should always be reminded of your limits. Anything (not-so-good) happens, it's your fault and no-one else. You din't choose to marry is the root cause of all your problems. You have no-right to be heard, consoled, loved (especially whenever you seek & desire it the most). The more you come to me with you broken pieces, the more I will assure you - I am not emotionally available to you.
P.S. This is in no manner a complaint to or for mom, but just the release of inner dialogues to feel relieved of that pain I carry and allow myself the freedom to love her unconditionally for bringing me up this well.
....Sometimes the deeper wisdom of life hits differently, it chokes and also makes you feel elated at the sametime topped with tears bubbling-up in eyes out of nowhere. It bring-forth the fact of impermanence of life. It prepares one to be more open to acceptance of life's events, people and flow. It also helps us see ourselves as mere beautiful beings capable of making choices - Choices to pause when needed, Choices to get-up and live again, to dream, to forgive and love more, to know that life can be created at any moment as the consciousness arrises and that your truth is purely yours and no-one's else to know or understand.
I feel deeply grateful for this time to be able to jot-down my feelings and thoughts. And I love. 💖
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