Considering this is my safe space and to heal by the way of writing, I can let a piece of my heart (My feelings, my pains, my fears etc) out here.
Currently I am in a limbo with a certain condition that is recurring in my body. To be precise it all started closer to 3rd feb and is going-on till date (27th March). My body released a lot of blood...I don't know if it was impure or pure but it continued. The initial days were ok with me expecting my cycle (women's monthly cycle) but the episode never stopped, Body continued to go on and on and on. Endless visits to the washroom, seeing the pot filled with red fluid creates a mental trauma. Especially the mind finds it easier to connect it to some horrifying cooked-up story even though diagnosis is in process.
This lead me to find a Gyno for myself and she gave me a list of many scans, tests etc to be done. Which I did to found few new things happening internally and that my Hb was low. I was put on few english meds which I have a massive mental aversion to but I took as it was needed for survival. My other GP had initially asked for a Scan and later suggested a few meds and if post meds the symptoms persist, I should get a D&C done. But later she sensed (as a healer too) that it's all good and nothing to worry. During one of my consultations, she also suggested that I do an ancestral healing as something seems to be there from my past. A lot took place within this time or upto this date. I learned about my body in ways I had never known. As the impact area is Uterus, I wondered how I knowingly ignored my being as a women and for women - change is the only constant. I took refuge or found solace in just avoiding or seeing them in light of horror than as the possibilities they were. My deep rooted fears surfaced and reaffirmed my beliefs. I din't know what to do how to console myself. I only knew to run away or avoid as a language to find peace....of mind and heart.
But underneath this all, my body suffered....silently, never-ever complaining just walking along and enabling me. I wonder if I even deserve that deep affection it portrayed for my soul.
I learned about womb, about how in shamanic culture - Mother-earth, womb, water and moon are all connected. I meditated to seek blessings and to allow healing. I consciously meditated to allow release all promises, I would have made to my ancestors - knowingly or unknowingly and which may now need a release.
It also surprised me how completely my focus has been pulled-in by the very organ of this wonderful body I neglected or had completely no awareness about. How I am reborn with new light and understanding, the fears dissolving with acceptance and willingness to allow and unfold as life desires it for me.
I also want to acknowledge that days had become so depressed and low, I wept and lay in bed for days...I consulted a therapist to know more about myself as I felt a weird pause in my life. A void. A deep quite hollow. And only with the help of that one friend and light which held my hand, made numerous Dr. visits, searched Dr. for me, kept aside his own pain or conditions to assure me that all is well and all will be fine. I cannot imagine me being alive in these last few months without his comforting presence, understanding heart to hear me out always, to be un-biased about anything I behave or be like, to show me that love exist and that I am good and all is well. I tear-up as I write this...there is a wave of deep emotions of gratitude and also a bit of doubt which asks what did I do to deserve this love and consideration.
How my world exists outside the world I am born around and I am now choking and cannot do justice to the emotions I am feeling so I will pause here.
My prayer is and will always be that - May everyone know, believe and have that someone - to love them unconditionally, to be their light in tough times, to be their voice in times that choke, to be a mind and heart that believe in miracles, to be a hand that comforts you in the warm embrace and say all is well and everything will be all-right. 💖💖
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