Today morning I reached Bangalore from Kochi, after attending the dream Kochi Biennale 2022. Though I am extremely grateful and satisfied that I followed my heart's calling and booked myself on a flight to Kochi; but the way I departed from hometown .i.e. with that feeling of no one understands me in my family and I just decided to fly away.... has a deep wound in my heart and I sense a deep hollowness. I carry a burden in my heart which feels like I am not worthy of forgiveness. I have been trying to make sense of all the recent events of my life, the feelings and emotions and all the mental chatter. Feels, as if I am in a war zone and trying hard to bypass the reality or say I am so consumed by it all that it's hard for me to distinguish reality from one that is just me portraying in my mind - one that I feel, yearn and feel belonged to or one where I just fit by virtue of being alive, born in a certain family...among certain people....following certain traditions or customs?
Overnight return bus journey, from Kochi-Bangalore was tiring as I could barely sleep. (Bus was hybrid with options to choose from a sleeper or a semi-sleeper seat and I had mistakenly booked a seat :/ and bus was fully booked to even be able to upgrade)
Post lunch, I decided to take a nap but constant mental chatter wasn't supporting and the highlighted topics were of that of my breakfast meeting with my Friend, Mom and my relationship and the emotional availability or un-availability, the insecurities in a relationship, the pattern of damaged friendships or my relations...including one with myself....the boulder sized ego, the hollowness, emptiness, cluelessness...the unanswered questions that comes along with growing-up...few tears, struggled deep breaths, a desire to attend to myself on this last day of Yr. 2022. With all that a subtle thought to listen to a podcast which I had labeled as watch-later directed me to : Episode 37 : healing the mother wound. While listening to it I kind of slipped in sleep trans and woke-up to something that was resonating with my reality and I was struggling to find words to name that feeling, the inner battle and acceptance that it happens and then be able to find ways to deal and be less self critical about it. And the title of this post is also from that YT post. A theme that I carried in my life was to stay quite or ignore whatever I felt was harsh as a reality of life and painting it as a good picture will resolve the underlying issues but I was so wrong and din't see the damage I caused to my-own self and later when everything gets out of control, I rush, panic, feel restless and helplessness and it triggers me so bad that I become a stranger to self. Such episodes also added to low self-esteem, self-doubts, self-criticism a cowardliness to be able to voice ones opinion or thoughts and if at all, I did voice-out, the next moment I will find myself criticizing self.
I developed bottled-up anger and fear as I grew-up in a environment where I was expected to be a good girl... one who obeys, respects, is kind, is shy and some behavioural patterns became a part of me as it all got a Seal of societal acceptance. Some of it could also be what ans how I perceive them and it helped me navigate my childhood.
More than celebrating 31st eve, It was a matter of utmost importance that I take time to jot these feelings and allow my system to feel less burdened and be able to breath. As I write this, I also wonder where is it all surfacing from where is the root cause to it all and how this all has defined a certain pattern in my life and beliefs with regards to relationships, the moral sense of it, the how or if I fit into it.
And to me the only answer that comes is the relationship with my mother. In no way or manner I am disregarding her love or care that I received from my mum but something was amiss and from early in my life I struggled to fit in her definition of a obedient and loving child. I became rebellious and started to run away from all that was pre-defined or never aligned or made me feel unsafe. Same thing happened when I visited home during the year-end, for a forurteen day work break and I had a lot of hopes of having a great time with friends (my neighbours) who joined me, nephews and new born niece, Sis, uncle & aunts. I wanted to forget the another world that I know of...anyone outside of this set of people and place I call home but I was under the surveillance of mom from what I eat to dress to when I bath, wherever I go...everything has to be pre-decided and I started to feel suffocated. I felt as if I am on a display and a piece of entertainment with extended families and visitors...I needed some me time and wondered if that is something I am not entitled to as I never got married, do not have a husband to be locked in a room with....I started to feel venomous as a certain other events (not so good ones) of life started to surface. And then came a moment when I wake-up and felt everything and everyone around me is plasticky its only me fooling myself of a place and few people I had known as home but I have long ago lost them and I have lost myself too as I try to find a balance and understanding of which direction I want to lead or what I want out of my life but it doesn't come easy. It churns the buried emotions, insecurities, vulnerabilities and the vacuum that I created for myself.
Wiping the tears off and assuring myself that I am on my-own-side... irrespective of the world - which always felt as the opponent. But I shall survive with the wounded soul, lost path but only a willingness to trust life and be one with it ...in all that it brought to me....
Love 💝 & Gratitude.
P.S. A grateful heart bidding farewell to 2022.
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