While I had picked up my phone to publish another blog post, one with a pending topic, my thoughts pulled me back to an event or say series of tragedies that shook me and also left me numb....but that was a month back.
Other than the usual emotional rollercoaster that I go thru or while living my day as it comes....I knew there was something I hadn't acknowledged deep within and I was being directed towards it.
It was not just the demise of a friend's father that day, but also my distant cousin who was the only one I had known in this new city (then, ~18 years ago), one who had taken me on numerous rides to hunt for a hostel for me, to introduce me to the local food, culture, to be my one point of contact when I had known non..etc.
And the same day, a colleague of mine lost her younger brother, the most loved one, one amongst three daughters. Her and her parents' plight was unthinkable for me....more so because a few days back, while taking a walk in office campus, we both discussed about her brother's addmission in to a hospital in Chennai, for Pneumonia and that she might have to travel. I remember she did mention that the condition wasn't life threatening, especially for a person not into smoking or alcohol etc.
I feel silly for writing all this here but, I have to, because the day when all these stuff happened, I was in my hometown. The reality of my external surroundings then was way different than what I was feeling deep within, also because there wasn't anyone directly and this deeply impacted and I was mindful of the short period of my visit.
As I am writing, I can feel the heaviness in my chest. Infact last week, I met my colleague and spoke to her, spent as much time with her so that she feels ok to be back in office....(I am sobbing in my body...my breath is talking here).
I also forced myself, last Monday, to go and visit my distant relative's wife too and her twin grandchildren's (a boy and a girl). I took an auto and for some reason tye auto took the same lanes I had arrived at, many years back, and those were also the lanes that I had searched for my hostel with bhaiya.... the memories came flashing back at me and I felt my eyes filled with tears, my chest feeling heavy with overwhelm and fear of how will I face Bhabhi....I hadn't met them since long. Nor was I around when she would have needed me the most. I took deep breaths and took a pause and asked me what is deeply bothering me and once I had my answer, I was in my natural state of being.
At their apartment, I spent a lot of time discussing my brother (distant relative) who passed away, his daughter's last trimester of pregnancy and her battle with depression, how she had to deliver the kids prematurely due to some complications....
I also spoke to Bhabhi (now widowed)...and heard her cry, talk, miss her husband, feel guilt of being the one left behind, of having to spend the rest of her life without her husband and also as the only one for the new borns, how she has wished to see her husband - again become kids with his grandchildren's and play.
Infact, this morning, I also met my friend whose father had passed away same time, last month and today, while we were sitting at a bench near temple premises and were talking, I looked into his eyes and asked him, For the very first time, feeling genuinely concerned - 'how are you?'..do you miss your Dad? With what all does the memories of him surfaces back?
As I was listening to him, I was struggling to hold back my tears....may be I never took this time to settle with the news from all those people, with my own association with them or theirs....
A weired vaccum or numbness had engulfed me. I was more like a stone being brushed with the breeze of time but I was aloof...
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