The unconventionals

Yup, it's about the unconventionals...

People, cast, creed, beliefs, genders or relationships!

A part of this whole realm fits 'conveniently' well for me and probably those of mine

Whereas some, seperates me from 'mine'...

Ones destiny can play a very unconventional role at times...

To make one long for love from the time they gain consciousness of themselves,

Land at an unknown land to only make it their own

Without worrying about the conventional ways of being 

And yet, made to breath in the dark marsh with  depths rooted in fear of being found, questioned, shamed or made to feel guilty by none other than those of their own.

For whom to blame? 

The design of one's star?

People, who could have handheld that 'one', thru the conventional path? But weren't ever there.....

Or those that crossed paths exactly when the conventionality wondered?

Well, yes! It's about the unconventionals!

Who chooses to stay mum, even when questioned.

For they, dance to the song of their heart's rhythm...and know no one can ever come closer to those 

One, who feel the burden of being mistaken all over, again and again

For they, choose peace than another war in the exterior of what is their own conventional ecosystem

Very unconventional! Isn't it? 

Shyaad jeena isi ka naam hai 

(🫂)

Flowers

This noon, in cab, returning from work, I was thinking what-if I do a photo post of all the things that brings me joy!😊 

A real and latest set of picture/s about each of those listed events/ experiences ❤️. I later forgot about this thought and reached home. While checking my bag for house key, I noticed some purple danglers from corner of eyes and soon it clicked to me that those are the purple shankh pushp !! And this was the first time they all bloomed in bundles like this. I was overjoyed.

Infact, I had stopped looking after that plant as it was once infected, completely died  and resurfaced on its own 🤷‍♀️😊

Instantly, I felt deep gratitude along with a feeling of shock. I Remembered about my thoughts when I started my trip back home and how the very first on my photo wishlist was that of flowers.

This bloom was a blissful surprise from the supreme above and it felt as if I was heard and answered with love 🥰

Do what brings you joy.

After a deep reflection on each passing moment, events that takes place, feelings and emotions I feel or those that surface, to the information I come across on the www world - sometimes deeply settling and resonating and sometimes uprooting.

I thought it's time to rebuilt self or lay a foundation now, for a probable future. Who knows if there is a time when I might forget who I am or what made me 'me'...I should be reminded - all that matter is 'Joy' and indulging in it is the ultimate...

Here, I ask myself, what is it that brings you Joy T?

T: 

1. spending time in my garden and seeing every leaf, embracing them and feelings the warmth and comfort amidst them and the feeling of awe when mud transforms a seed into a new possibility.
2. Listening to tiny kids in my surroundings, I love the wonder in their twinkling eye and that innocent tone.
3. Sitting by a lake or ocean and just watch the ripples or waves
4. Sleep under the bright open sky.
5. Brew tea.
6. Long walks and deep soulful conversations.
7. A heartfelt laughter shared with tribe that matches my vibes.
8. Being Carefree! Be it dressing, letting the hairs untied or as it and not comb them (but definately not entangled :p)
9. Selfcare in form of herbal massages, yoga, nurturing, love and care.
10. Snuggles and hugs.
11. Art with clay, paper, colours or words.
12. Music and singing in chorus
13. Feeling of coming home everytime I get lost in my thoughts and dissect them.
14. Company of like minded people.
15. Selfless service to mother nature, elderly and cows.
16. Attending satsangs at AOL.
17. Traditional Garba dance.
18. Stationary.
19.  Cooking soulful meals
20. A place I can call home 🤞 (a warm hug, being understood, a tiny bit of love and care, warm hospitality ..)
21. Hugging a tree.
22. Lightning a lamp.
23. Stare at the full moon for hours and converse.
24. Gifting.
25. Dance.
26. Hot chocolate in beautiful handcrafted ceramic mugs
27. Wisdom in the company of elderly and respected. 
28. Hearty Stories (books, sharing, letters etc) 
29. Those specific footwear's that I feel - were meant for me :) 
30. Effortless and guilt free sleep.
31. Rains and mountains.
32. Curiosity about different tiny life forms and their behaviours, their world and ways of living. 
33. Butterflies and birds
34. Wildlife sanctuaries and untouched wild forests, amidst mist
35. Tortoise, Elephants and Horses.
36. Trying different hairstyles.
37. Trains journeys and drives.
38. Flowers.
39. Grateful heart. 
40. Mom's heartfelt laughter 
41. The assuring warmth of rising sun that gives me hope.
42. Open grasslands, Hampi and Pondicherry.
43. Coffee shops and conversations.
44. Books and writings that can transport me a different land of their own :)
45. Creating a piece of furniture, art or a landscape.

Inner sanctuary & a musical escape

I learned today how music has so much power! Something so mundane and overlooked as a talent can be so powerful that it can uplift and transport us...any guesses?

Well...it's the joy of art of humming a song :)

Cling on to a soulful melody which makes your heart sing and dance. This simple act can be profound source of solace, especially amidst the chaos of everyday life.

In the bustling market of malleshwaram, amidst the noisy surroundings, and few explosive reactions of mom, and while I was waking along the streets, I heard this soothing music from a radio playing at a Hawker's shop. 

The song that comforted me was the music and these specific lyrics, infact the shopkeeper too was singing it aloud and I picked it from him

..it was contagious ☺️💖

...

"अपने संग अपनी नगरिया, 

हा हा हा, इनको हम ले के चले हैं

अपने संग अपनी नगरिया"

(Mausam ka jaadu song from Hum apke hain kaun. I must say the duo - lt. Lata Mangeshkar and S. P. Balasubrahmanyam's voice was the one that touched my heart and soul. thank you 🙏)

If I dive deep into the meaning of these lines, it seem to be about carrying one's own city within, resonate deeply with the idea of finding inner peace and contentment.

No matter how much the external environment is against you, if one focuses on that one melody, nothing in the world can touch our sanity of mind.

And that song reveled to me that our personal World can be a sanctuary, no matter where we are.

Complex tapestry of emotions

Lying in bed this morning, I collected my scattered thoughts into a mental basket of analysis. A call from a friend nudged me. His father was hospitalized due to medication side effects, and he needed my scooter for transportation.

I'd planned a breakfast outing with Mom, but she preferred to stay in because it was too early (around 7 AM). I was concerned about the Monday morning traffic and had suggested we start at 7 and return by 10 AM, before my meetings began.

Having slept at 1 AM, I woke up feeling a bit lethargic. Endless mental chatter about life's complexities filled my mind: right and wrongs, moral values, growing up, seeking permission to do the right thing, the definition of "right," the need for labels, and whether these questions could unlock a path for my mental seeker.

Who should I share these conflicting thoughts with? is there anyone who would even understand me? or how do I makesure I understand myself atleast? the anger due to dependency and helplessness, The plans I would make whereas one that would eventually be, work, meaning of my presence here on this earth, financial stability or instability, the fallback or reliability options; if any, the internal war of feelings due to mis-alignment of heart and circumstances... of the futile efforts to fix a certain thing or situation of life, of why the self acceptance is hard? the events we experience, the battles we fight, the depth of knowledge we gain to aid to certain relationships but the dead-end we feel because it's just us in it for it....rest have moved on, or were never there in the first place, the distress we go thru to find solace, meaning, resonance with wider society but rather being pushed into disrupted episodes..... blah blah blah.

I had to wear my action hat and get going! I reconfirmed with mom if she still wants to go out or shall we cook at home and she said anyways, you will eventually give your bike to your friend so let's cook and eat at home. I wasn't in the space to read between the lines and clarified that 'No', I haven't committed but I would after knowing your preference. And we decided on our home cooked breakfast menu. 

Just that conversation displaced me from my space of limited ease I have had....I left home to ride my bike and hand-it over to him, and on my way back, stopped at a vegetable shop for some veggies for Lunch. 

I could feel how my whole being is screaming for answers for myself and some wisdom to be able to crack a balance to be able to crawl, if not walk.  

I ask myself, did I ask for this, did I choose it for myself, didn't I see things/ events coming, the feeling between moral bonds and one those are of hearts and the desired dedication towards them. At times I would just want to tightly hug someone I would feel belonged to but un or fortunately It just me to be with self or Mother earth or trees who would comfort me.  

Just when I broke-down, a willingness shone from behind the piles of tired thoughts and feelings...A urge to sit under the morning sky,  take a pen & paper or the screen and begin to write, write and just write......

At last, I am here navigating thru my weak moment...and the ease comes from knowing - everything is transient. 

Follow your heart...May be you are being invited.

Don't know to where to begin! from thoughts of grace, worry, shortcomings, blessings, magic, intimidation, reflections of feelings that are screaming loud to everything that crushed my confidence and the leftover belief in self. 

And my analysis states - beginning where you are is the best step forward. 

A few hours back, I was thinking of about last evening. Our visit to a tea shop (Karnataka Tea stall), which we walked-up to, just for our most cherished Ginger tea <3. It was a beautiful weather for chai and we walked around an area that has a triangular park which has tall trees all around it's periphery. I fondly call that lane as Ooty road because of the tall trees and canopies along the road. And on rainy or winter evenings there is a beautiful mist all along and the yellow street lights add a touch of heaven to it.

At the tea stall, Mom and I placed our order and took half portion of a chakli (salted spiral fried snack made with rice flour) each, to munch and settled at a side of the staircase of that tea stall. 

In a truly classic way it was our nukkad tea moment. There were many passer's by who would look at us with wonder - two ladies sitting at a smoke joint and having tea :P. Anyways....we enjoyed that throat soothing chai and soon there were many other customers...primarily the smokers and we decided to leave.

we both were wondering what next?...and we had to book an auto accordingly as mom wasn't comfortable with walking anymore (or mentally she has considered herself so weak & no amount of boosting her confidence helps rather it would fire back on me and I would stay away from it consciously and tell myself, may be that is not my place :(). 

Mom suggested we skip mall visit and go to a nearby temple and with the minimal knowledge of the directions or name of temple or deity she conveyed to me from her experience of one of her past visits. for example, What about that Sai temple we had been once which has rose flower vendors outside (Sai baba mandir), or The Hare-rama, Hare Kishna temple that I visited alone and you were waiting for me outside (ISKON Vaikuntha hill) or the temple that you visited a week back on last Saturday?, isn't it the same you had once taken me and we had lit Deepa in a coconut shell? (Ayyapan swamy temple).

Seeing my confused state of mind, she said, let's do Sai Temple. And I was having the last sip of my tea and in my heart I knew something is nudging me and I blurted to mom with a face of a 5 year that my heart isn't at Sai temple at the moment and since it's sunday, I do not feel like visiting Ayyapan temple either. My heart calls for ISKON and she said...so ok, lets go there. I was relieved because I wasn't sure how mom would react to this and I went thru a lot of mental calculations in that fraction of a second. 

I opened Uber app and added destination as Vaikuntha hill...My heart was excited and already was at that hill, feeling the chill breeze, clear twilight skys, the panoramic view of the city from that hill which would look like a million stars blinking on earth. Then a doubt creeped-in, what if the destination I added in the app would let the auto driver stop at the entrance of the temple campus and then mom would have to do a mini hiking and that would result in going against her comfort and ultimately she will hate me for that and get mad at me. 

I immediately changed it to ISKON, knowing fully well that there are only two ISKON temples in BLR.

The auto arrived at the tea stall, in few mins and we boarded. Few minutes into the ride, the driver took a turn into a lane which, to me was not the lane towards ISKON, for a moment I thought may be a new lane connecting to the temple and then I checked the app, map showed we are 2 mins away whereas the surroundings were nowhere like a hill, rather we were in middle of a busy road. I panicked and wondered at the same time and asked driver if this is the Vaikuntha hill (which is also south part of BLR), he said this is ISKON south and in the next moment we were stopped in-front of an elevated big hall with a corridor around it and steps leading to a beautiful wooden door with intricate carvings and into the main hall which was well lit. There were some people from the Temple commitee standing out and they saw the confusion on our face and a bit of hesitation and called us and said, "Hare Krishna! pls come" and they gestured us to proceed towards the main hall.

We have had washed our feet and hands before entering the hall. The hall has big mats spread on floor for both Men and women devotees separately on each side along the length of the hall. On right of the entrance door was Beautiful marble deities of Lord Krishna, Radha and Krishna's twins (as I could understand) and on the extreme left center was the idol of "Founder Acharya His Divine Grace A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada".

(the only picture I could pull from Google search)

Mom took the chair at the end of the hall and sat, where as I sat on the mat on floor, near her. Soon it was 7:03 pm and also the time for evening Aarti. Everyone stood-up at their respective places, there were three priests standing in-front of each of the idols and one of the priest commenced the aarti with blowing the conch!. I was loving every bit of it and especially the conch sound....every cell of my being was so tuned to it's sound!

Thereafter, we were all informed that this is an auspicious week known as the "Holy name week" and that we should all do the chanting - "Hare krishna hare krishna krishna krishna hare hare, hare rama hare rama rama rama hare hare" and for almost 20mins the whole premise was in sync and changing in unison. I was sitting there chanting with my eyes closed....trying every word I utter to be with consciousness and reverence. While chanting I went in and out of thoughts, feelings, wonderment, the session on DNA etc and at one point, my heart melted and tears surfaced with the burst of feelings of awe and extreme love in the knowledge that how my heart was tuned to something and I just blindly followed, I was handholded, I was led to this whole experience. I felt I was personally invited to that Aarti, just when it was time. I was speechless, I was overwhelmed and deeply touched. 

In that hour of celebrations, devotion, love and coming together, I let loose myself and was just being there, still in the magic of that moment.

DNA Activation session

Last week, strolling thru instagram, a notification popped-up, it was "DNA re-patterning with Nada yogi Vibhushri Rivesh Vade".

Don't know why, but I thought I could enroll mom into. It was just two hours, the maximum my mom can focus, outside the needs of her grown-up kid's (Tea, coffee, food, Clothings, shopping etc). The idea was to introduce her with a new experience, a channel to know and welcome ease in her life and let go her restlessness. But again, I cannot take this decision on her behalf or say enforce my thoughts to her or anyone for that matter! and such stuff is meaningful only if one is open and receptive enough. 

Yes, it took me bit of explanation to convince her, that it is a very nominal enrollment fee and just two hours of session. And she agreed half-heartedly. I know...I am may be becoming very mean.

Anyways, the session was about to begin at 7 pm today and I could see, starting 6:30pm , Mom getting restless. She was in a rush, to close things eg. lighting the evening lamp which we usually do at 7 pm, she wanted to finish her evening tea, etc. I had taken a deep nap this afternoon so I was well rested. At 6:33 pm she went to the veranda to read on her kindle and at 6:55 pm, I called her in as the session was about to begin and had the laptop set on the table, for her.

When she came, I told her, I will sit in the other room so that she can fully engage in the session and if there is any interactions that she may not feel comfortable to share around me, she can be free in my absence. She panicked and her face became pale as if it was some sort of exam. I assured her, nothing to worry and that I am around to clarify anything she isn't able to understand. But she was bit annoyed at me and was irritated too...this was continuing from this morning though. To some extent, I know and not (¯\_(ツ)_/¯). Moreover, she was the attendee I had enrolled, not myself and I din't feel it was ethical on my part to be hiding in the background.

Eventually, after an exchange of few harsh words, we both settled for the session and because the topic was of interest, I sat next to her listening and helping her with the Zoom tools and interactions. 

Overall, we went thru a lot of history about Nada Yoga,  the research work Vibhushri ji has done and various walks of life that he is trying to spread his knowledge to reach million individuals i.e. Traumatized kids, slum dwellers, via Garbh sanskars for Mothers, leaderships in corporates etc. and then he briefly talked about the four areas of one's life that one can identify patterns that are rooted from and to DNA i.e family History, Health History, Personal Challenges and Business or career challenges.

All online participants were asked to reflect and write any patterns that they identify, eg. relationships, trauma, cashflows, growth hinderance in business etc. 

Mom was blank and I had to break down the problem statement for her, with few examples from what I have noticed in her life eg. her belief related to health, aging, financial shortfalls and anger associated with it etc. Since I attended the session all thru, I thought to jot down my own patterns too. 

We were asked to further scan our patters with the below three Qs.

1. Do we really want to change that pattern? (Y/N) (i.e. What will we gain, are we able to think of the other-side....of gains, that we will experience by this shift?)
2. Since, when are we experiencing the pattern?
3. On a scale of 1- 10 (1 being least), do we rate the intensity or trouble from that pattern?

I was quick to jot things as if it's my second nature :P

After, we were all done, the instructor asked us to lie-down in a comfortable position and  certain bell sounds were being played. Those sounds had different impact on different people, eg. I could feel a short interval of pinching pain in my right ear which I usually experience if I am suppressing anger,  then the pain moved to my head closer to my neck. The bells felt so healing and my body could feel the vibrations. Overall, it was rejuvenating. While in that bell therapy, I went thru a lot of thoughts about emotions, feelings, my own patters eg. feelings of Anger, irritation, fear, resentment, lack and desperation for validation, overthinking, childhood traumas and how at different arenas of my life it would show up, I thought about mom and had a deep sense of gratitude that she at-least continued with the session and not walk away as she would do with me, at times when we are in a conversation.

At last, there was some promotion about another detailed course being offered at a discount and QnA from the participants. Since, I wanted to come clean, I informed the organizers that along with my mom, I was there behind the screen and that I would pay for +1. That also urged me to feel eligible to ask about one particular pattern that I have been trying to find root cause for and raised my hand. 

Early in the session, we were told that Vibhushriji can pick roots of any pattern from the voice of the person too and I somewhere had faith in it.

My Qs was - Though I am immensely blessed financially and in many aspects of my life, why is it that I have been coming across people who are in dire need of money? I am not against any support I can extend towards them, but I am uncomfortable with me getting emotionally involved in the other person's journey and it drains me, what do you think could be my root case for this problem?

Answer from Vibhishri ji - This has become your emotion, more like your heartbeat and it comes from the emotions from your mother's womb. At the time she was carrying you, you do not know what they would have experienced but because you feel other's feelings it is woven in your rhythm of heartbeat. 

Why are we taking about heart here?...we intended to tackle DNA..isn't it? heart is for emotions and emotions are frequency and frequency works with the deeper DNA level.  He asked me if I am from Chennai and I said no, from BLR.

I was mind blown with his response and at the same-time, it lifted a huge baggage of guilt and self-doubt that I would have carried all thru for knowing about and everyday peeling the layers of  mother's trauma and how it shows-up for me and the conflicting emotions I would deal with one as someone a victim and another who loves her mother and doesn't want to think or feel bitter against her, but it gets tougher and tougher.

I thanked him. And acknowledged - how spot-on his response was! and that, I had recently learned about mother's trauma too. For which he said, yes, these are all chains of patterns, one generation experiencing it and carrying it forward to another and someone has to break those chains consciously by working on ourselves because we do not know what the previous generation have had experienced or dealt with.

--

Mom was around and overheard the answer. She thought, I am complaining about her to them etc. But, with intention to not leave any space for mis-understandings, I later took her thru the whole insight about my question (I had asked in english) for which her emphasis and response was - Yes, you will have to correct it for yourself (by working on it) and it is normal that a child can take-up emotions of mothers, from her womb. 

I din't know what to say, I became detached and felt that I am scratching  my wound more and more with my own expectations.

--

(Reminder to self - ✍ 💝 Carryon, with a little more gentleness and love, Tanu. Brrrreeeeathhhhh.....🫂)

Hugs and cuddles

 I was lying next to mum this evening, after returning from work. 

For some reason, I longed for a warm hug, one that is so pure, earthy and comforting. One where thoughts are wiped off  brain; mind and heart feel home; the whole body is at ease. And that, in my experience, happens either in deep friendships or relationships with a strong foundation of respect, trust and surrender.

In that moment of longing, I randomly look for 'hugs' on Google image search and found numerous couples pictures where they are in a warm embrace, sketches of cuddles, animes, few were of people and there beloved animals. 

Just then, I remembered about a specific black and white picture of a black horse and a baby girl hugging it. I dearly loved that pic and felt as if it spoke to me in a language or warmth that I longed for...I also rememberd, for a long time I held on to that picture on my phone, it would give me sense of ease and comfort.

Same evening, when we returned from our shopping and dinner, I wondered, as a child, who would I run to? Where was my comfort and vibes that of my tribe?

A memory of dark, fearful nights flashed...                I was a little girl of ~7 or 8 years and at night, I would sleep in the largest room i.e the living room/ hall. Some days, In middle of night, I would wakeup in panic and fear, would look for someone elderly around me and if I don't find anyone, I would sheepishly go to the next room which was my grandparent's room, it has two parallel cots and a wooden table in between. Each of those cots were half of that of queen size beds and enough for one person to be able to sleep.

I would softly nudge my grandmother in middle of her sleep, pull that long table and cling to her big round and soft belly and gesture her to accommodate me. Without a word she would tug me next to her, comfort me and put me to sleep.

A tear popped up like this buried memory from my conscience. Probably, through a hug,  I longed for that feeling of comfort, ease, peace and safety. 

Binded vs scattered

An observation from my journaling journey...

I use to use an unstructured approach i.e. of loose blank white paper (A4 or A3) sheets to write down thoughts, feelings, etc and later trash them. This method inadvertently conveyed a message of impermance and lack of value for my own thoughts and feelings. 

Eventually, the saying " When the student is ready, the teacher will appear" came true for me.

I met the right people who guided me, helped bring a structure to my scattered thoughts and life, and it so happened that at one point, when I was looking for a paper to pour my thoughts, I couldn't find one; rather I had a brand new notebook lying infront of me, at my desk. It was a gift from a couple friend of mine and had their Goa pictures printed on the cover page. Till that moment, I use to wonder what will I do with that personalized notebook.

But it turned out to be a catalyst and served as a turning point in my journaling journey. I restarted Journaling with a more intentionally organized manner.

And today, looking back at that, the binded note book was a great decision! It helped me reflect on my progress, filter the unwanted noise and clutter from my thoughts.

✍️🦋

Stressed

Working from home, today.

At a point during the day, my attention was drawn to my breath and the uneasiness I was feeling since the time I sat for my office work. And wanted to check-in with self, and realized I have been very stressed all thru for no visible signs of any external trigger. Possibly, it is the presence in which I grew-up, a constant reminder to be a certain way, more like walking on egg shells and be super careful not to hurt or make anyone angry. 

I wasn't able to focus on work or wasn't in mood to work, rather pushed myself hard to stick to the tasks on hand. 

To acknowledge that I am going thru a feeling of stress was something so new to me but a good sign of growth from what I was to what I am becoming.

I checked-in and asked myself, what all is bothering me.... And I had a long laundry list of stuff: 

1. Last night, conversations I overheard between mom and a maternal aunty and the tone of it. It deeply bothered me. And having that feeling of detachment from such vibes makes me self doubt. 

2.  On my work days, how to keep mom busy with something she will enjoy and lack of any concrete action from my end bothers me and I get self critical.

3. There is a lot I would like to convey to my brother as he sets on to find his life partner or companion and shield him from any unawareness of un-attended, unhealed traumas from the relationship our parents shared. But I am not around him and Phone call is not that I would be comfortable with. I just wish I have that grace to be in peace in my heart and be able to bless him and his life with ease, health and wellbeing of togetherness.

4. Unable to meet my friend suffocates me,  I crave for the deep soulful conversations and walks. And a certain life events of their life concerns me and makes me question the true meaning of my life and it's purpose.

5. There is a void I am trying to fill but I am so detected to myself at such days.

6. What's next for me is a question that is surfacing more often these days

7. The book - Palace of illusions had a deep impact on my emotions and because I completed reading it last night. I feel there is a lingering set of feelings I am still feeling and few episodes from that writing is surfacing in intervals and nudges me. I was so absorbed in that and I know it will take me few days to get back to normalcy.

8. It is becoming very hard for me to be in my 'now' and just make peace with it and not get pulled by the unnecessary pull of past or future. But I am deeply thankful to this awareness and the skill of typing or journaling that is proving to be a boon for me, in my life. 

I often slip in and out of seeing mom as she is and comparing myself. I see she has a wealth of knowledge gained from her transformation (both mentally & psychically) over the course of her life's journey; whereas, what I have and is all at intellectual levels. I wonder if this makes me less than anyone for any reasons?..at various aspects of my being. 

My heart is heavy and eyes loaded with streams of tears to find their way out but I lay down with the excuse of an afternoon nap and shut my eyes close. 💔🫂

Onam 2024

This afternoon, while I was helping mom to remove the steamed cooked idlies; by scooping them out from the steamer tray with the help of a spoon, thought crossed my mind. What better way to celebrate Onam :)....Having my favourite idlies!

 🥰. I also recalled a chat conversation 

"Him : Do you have roots in Chennai?

Me : Nope. Was here for some personal work.

Him : Oh k k, Seeing ur posts I thought you have some roots or hold in Chennai

Me : 🤣🤣 noo no. Or if I have one... I am not aware...🤷🏼‍♀️"

with my a classmate long ago. For one of my whatsApp status post which was from a temple surrounding in Chennai and there were few toy shops which sold miniature toys of all sorts, especially Indian kitchen equipments and I was transported to my childhood for those hours that I breathed in those lanes, carefully observing the intricate details of those miniatures and being on awe.

Back to Onam celebrations! The truth is I was totally unaware and during a conversation with a friend this morning, learned that it's onam today. For me now, I have been celebrating Onam since almost two weeks! How? Well, one week after mom arrived, we both were invited by an ex-neighbours to attend the early Onam celebrations at her apartments and she herself was participating in the traditional dance and suggested that it would be a new experience for mom. then what?

On that weekend, we arrived early at my friend's apartment and knowing she would be busy with getting ready for her Dance, we dint bother her. It was also the time of Jain Paryushan, Mom and me decided to take early dinner. We enjoyed chilled tender coconut milkshake, Podi dosas (avoiding Onion or Potatoes) and headed for the main gate of the apartment where procession was about to begin. 

It was slightly sunny so we looked for some shade and sat at the elevated platforms around the entrance of one of the buildings in that apartment. Next two us were two elderly Malayali ladies who later educated us with the history of Onam when we asked about the man who was dressed as a yaksha and the role he played.

We saw kids dressed in traditional Onam attire, women's were all clad in beautiful white and golden sarees and all had donned similar hairstyles of that of buns and decorated it with white flower garland (Gajra). Few men were wearing Mundu and colorful shirts.  It was a colorful, cheerful evening with a soulful musics, dance and the ambience of festivities. Thanks to the friend who invited us. 

--

Today, while walking back from my morning walk and vegetables shopping, I noticed bright yellow flowers, at some places Parijata and somewhere orange flowers laying all along the roads under the trees that bore them. I looked up at sky and those trees and thanked for their selfless gesture and how in true spirit of Onam they decorated mother Earth. 

-- 

Since, mom is still resting from her sprained knee, we had limited options to keep her busy and given it was weekend for me, I pulled her to the balcony to practice some dotted kolam.

I expressed that I love kolam and how I so dearly wanted to skill it by practicing it...like a true native. I also shared with her the many benefits of Kolam, how it was meant to be done using rice power to offer food to birds and ants in the early morning hours i.e. bramha muhurt and how it was great for mental and pschycial health of the women. 

We both enjoyed that time (atleast, I did)

--

From long time mom has been asking to get some earthenware for cooking and seems she loves it. Finally, we bought a multipurpose pot with a lid last week and prepared it by soaking in water for approx 24 hours, then dried in sun and applied oil and heated them on high flame. It is believed that this way, the pores gets closed. which possibly can damage the earthen pots with cracks.

And to allow mom some rest, I cooked mix-veg green pulao as my first meal in that pot. The whole experience was soulful, I was so attuned to how the earthen pot is so accommodating and kind, it enhanced the foods flavour multifold. Just that cooking was so therapeutic and when I served the meals to mom the expression of "wow" on her face was my reward. She thoroughly enjoyed it and my soul was deeply satisfied with Mom's appreciation.

Like a cello tape to the torn mat of my life.

And then, life catches up...

Maa, Like a cello tape to the torn mat of my life.

We both were about to sit for dinner and usually, we sit on floor to eat; I got a call, from my friend whose call I had missed a couple of times, so I dialed her.

Mom, was arranging food and plates for our dinner and was about to sit, meantime I was having soup and was on call. Suddenly mom, started to cry in pain from the sprained nerve in her knee while she was about to sit down. She was fixated in that half laid pose, and wasn't able to move her right knee. 

We both decided that we shall see if it's ok for some time, else we look for medical aid. We ate dinner, I cleaned the dishes and kitchen; got on few office calls...she was watching a movie from my laptop and later when I came back to her room, she said she isn't able to move and wanted to use washroom.

For almost 45 mins we struggled ...first to lift her up to make her sit on the bed from floor and then to straighten her back on bed so that she can lie down straight. I checked a few YouTube shorts to see how to unlock a locked knee...she also felt related and wanted to try that herself but she was struggling. In that whole episode I went thru a million thoughts and emotions and observations and I am deeply surprised by my own evolution at emotional level.

I noticed she wasn't able to trust me or completely give-in to the moment, I checked what am I feeling and I was at ease and at heart I knew there wasn't anything serious with her knee, In and out, I experienced  bit of pain and sadness for lack of her validation and trust but I spoke to myself and told, for now you are the only support to her and you need to stay calm and understand she is experiencing pain and her behaviour is bound to be such. I was observing things thru the lens of a mother's wound, knowing that it is passed from generations and how it would have impacted her? At moments and a few times earlier I had this thought - did my birth took away my Mom's freedom? Was she even willing to have me as her baby or was she into it, out of her obligation to family, society etc....,

Then I got back to the current moment and messaged a nearby Physiotherapist and seeked his forgiveness for disturbing at this hour (slightly toward 11.15pm). He was a kind doctor and replied back, I asked if I can do a video call. He agreed and after checking the situation, he recommended to apply ice pack for now and wrap the knee with a cotton veil. 

I then checked with downstairs neighbour if she has ice and she being a medical faculty in college came to visit mom and agreed to Doctor's suggestions. 

After another hour, mom was able to pass loo using a make shift arrangement. Mom felt slightly better and opened up about her other pains etc. I was surprised and now wonder, perhaps, she never was attended with this concern or care; but was expected to fight for every small stuff in her life - from financial wellbeing to ease to enough resources for her kids etc....and she became a rebel. 

As I slipped in an out of my thoughts and feelings, I also realised I am not as bad a daughter to her as I had started to feel for myself or would feel when I am too low, I loved myself a little more today knowing that if time comes I would be self sufficient and I am capable of managing things on my own. 

My thoughts took me to memories of recent past and few people associated with it, I felt a sudden awakening of a sort that let me come to terms that sometimes we all are too occupied in our individual lives and the nearest surrounding. I felt gratitude for whatever took place in that recent past, probably that was a nudge in my way to pull me out of my delusional life to bring me to reality. 

Know and feel, aging is real, age related pains or troubles are real, there is no escape but one can choose to accept and walk or walk along. 

Just when I tucked mum in her bed, and was cleaning her surrounding and rearranging stuff that was all around her bed, I saw the table mat, that we use to place on floor before dinner arrangement and it was crumpled and lying upside down in one corner. I went to lift it up and saw that there are few cello tapes pasted on one patch which was torn. 

I remembered, this morning mom had called while I was in office and she asked me if I have cello tape. My thought was -  probably she mistakenly broke something and she may want to fix it or tie something in kitchen but I was wrong...

(With gratitude in my heart for many events, the nearby doctor, neighbours, things, people, love, comfort and bliss; + forgiveness to self and others whom I held wrong in my heart...I sign off)

Takecare✍️🙏

Thirty five thousand five hundred

Wokeup in middle of my sleep at around 1.45 am IST and I was reminded of my call conversation with Dad, from previous day noon.

I had called him to discuss about his Bangalore visit, possible knee healing thru ayurvedic treatment and sometime together. 

I remembered, our discussion got shifted to the new farm project he is busy with, vermi compost beds, investments and finances etc and one of his words rang in my ears in those wee hours - "I got my payment from the recent sale of crop and I do have an excess of 35000 INR and if you need I will transfer it to you."

Because it was in the quite hours of midnight, I felt my emotions amplified, I wept unconsciously and tried hard to control myself.  What hit me the most was the knowledge that my Dad would have never have had a regular income or a sort of paycheck similar to mine (in value) and for him this small amount is of paramount value and what was more touching was his humility and generous offer.

One part of my heart was gleefully happy to feel that safety net shielded by Dad's wings and the other was immensely heavy to just imagine what his journey could have been with two kids to takecare off, a demanding wife who comes from an affluent family, a joint family etc, the emotional load that he would have born at the end of every month when his or his family's needs would not be met (financially). I am not exactly sure what tore me apart that night....guilt and regret for being in a previledged position, financially; or just the experience of the depth of his troubles that he would have fought alone...

"Dear Papa, My Love and Prayers for your wellbeing and ease🙏"

Notes from my first US trip (23rd Feb - 9th March 2024)

(So, I had to push myself out to a new feel factor, a fresh perspective something to detach from that of habitual emotional downtime to a more refreshing one for the day and what better way to look back at the magical memories and also check ✅ the pending task of Blogging about that memorable trip. And I am picking the one to The US which I would have never ever imagined will ever happen in my life and definately not thru my work but it happened! And I am still in that mode of disbelief that I could do it all by myself. And before I embark on another one, lineup again for this year.. sooner, I had to take this time to brush my heart and allow more grace and gratitude, after all life is not as hard as I feel at emotional levels...coz I feel too much :()

23rd Feb 

@BLR Airport Internal lounge (BLR to SFO)

Business class access made a lot of difference via priority check-in. Shorter Ques, zero waiting time and easy breezy access was a soothing experience for a country like India.

Sitting under the lantana canopy I am reflecting on the feeling of how awesome it feels to be here in this Royal moments of life, bliss and ease.

Truly and deeply thank you to my current employer. Heartfelt gratitude.

Meeting flight attendant name "Don't be afraid" (Serbian Name : Nebojša) and that to me looked like a message from the universe.

At Dubai Business lounge saw Katrina Kaif.

DXB-SFO : the experience of lounge wear, vanity kit, and special attention (I was shying away from). Hot face towels are one of most favourite thing and was the best feeling up in the air and away from home...cozy and comforting.

😢 Crying inconsolably on Flight after watching Nambi Narayanan. So much of flux of emotions....(Tragic! a 38 yr old crying like this 😔 and I think movie was that last prick to burst the emotional bubble I was holding from so long)

The surname reminded me of someone, the demeanour the courageous personality of Nambi Sir reminds me of my Sir..the grace of Mr.Nambi's wife inspires me to be one that strong (if at all..🤷‍♀️)

Playlist - Rehman rewind Romance ("The Mozart of Madras"). Listening to AR Rehman, up in the air was a soulful event.. experiencing that heart touching soulful voice even though I do not understand a bit from those Tamil songs.

Fun part was also the meals I have been taking and what they consider exclusive for Biz class Vegetarian meals (my mom would give them a proper lecture and can teach them better cooking skills) and drinking so much water and passing loo. Strangely, I felt it takes more effort in washroom to pass loo ...may be the pressure above in the sky:P

After another round of heavy meal I dozed off. Had Baklawa and an amazing potato chips from Ireland, collected some chocolates for Reshma and her family :). 

Wrapping up the 16 hrs flight with Ahista Ahista song by Punkaj udhas. Watched another amazing movie  The inventor (Animated) and it had a beautiful message about life, soul ❤️.

With music in my ears...I am doing a self check-in as to how am I feeling and in what part of my body do I feel certain emotions....

Had landed on a Friday late noon and from the 1st driver to everyone I met, be it the front desk executives, some Indians I met in walkways or lift of my hotel, my ex-manager who suggested me to step out (do cruise & Muir Woods), the message was collectively poured on me and seeded in my brain that "the weather is so Good and you are lucky to have got few sunny days ahead of you so do not stay put! Step out."

And untill the coming Monday I wondered why people fuss so much about weather here :)

🪶

24 -02- 2024 (see the Number..magic?)

MTV - SFO - MTV (My very first experience with Caltrain, Bay view cruise + 3 SFO attractions, China Town parade (Dragon Year), spanish speaking driver)

(These notes are abrupt and a very concise description of all that happened (or may be only highlights...not all. Coz US calls for a lot of walking...and at the end my body would get exhausted with all the planning, running around etc but thanks to someone (Vaishali) I met on one of my flight back from home, before this US trip and who guided me that I shouldn't be carrying any 👠 heels. The shocking thing for me was that I just needed that nudge from God ...as I wasn't mentally ready for my US trip but he put this girl right next to me to handhold me and how we started to interact was pure magic)

someone playing - "500 miles" song on Caltrain. The song made me feel home...I was so attentive and was trying hard to combat that feeling of 'similarity' a deep sense of belonging but I wasn't able to connect what and where ....more so because this was the first time I have ever heard this song...

Only to learn (after returning to India) that it was same music as " Jab koi baat Bigad jaae' 💕 How apt!! God seriously knows how to tease me and keep me busy!

My biggest achievements use to be savings! and why not?. Someone earning in INR made to spend in USD, that too with a hard wiring of humble beginnings. So I learned about different public transports and the best one was that of Bus in $3 (clipper card) - Indeed a new adventure.

Same time my over confidence almost killed me :(.. I walked from Pier 39 upto Union square for Chinese parade . Initially, with a lot of enthusiasm - pumped after a cup of hot chocolate which later turned to panic and shock mid way, seeing a wavy road that I have only seen in Tom & Jerry cartoon and my mind started to cook-up scary stories of tornadoes etc....but then the beautiful architecture, the bright shining sun thru the tall bushy trees took away my fear and I paused to soak it in my breath , that calmness and beauty.

Walking back to Caltrain at SFO at night with dead phone battery

--

I met Katheryn (51 yrs) on my northbound Caltrain and said 'hello' to her to verify if the tickets I collected from the automatic dispenser machine is correct for my destination....and how we became friends. I learned that she was traveling in train after a long time...and that too just because her husband was resting after his knee surgery. I somewhere felt this was a connection. Her first response to me was " Hi Sweety! How can i help?" (In my mind,  I was like - what? really? am I some one so Softspoken or sweet? Definitely, she doesn't know me! And I was struggling to take that so call normal greetings😼)

She checked my ticket and said that I have missed collecting ticket for zone 2 to zone 1 and can do so while returning as it was a day pass and was also late for me to act as we had boarded the train and to mark it exclusive (for me) - the train that day came on opposite platform from that of assigned one owing to some renovation work. She assured me that no one will check my ticket again and I can continue to travel till SFO in the same ticket (meant for zone 2) and not the complete journey :) .She too was traveling to SFO . (This was an eye opening experience where I learned that sometimes the 'chalta hai' attitude works in US too 😉

well, this note is a bit jumbled-up as I was drawing it from my memory, late at night and a day which was super exhausting but highly eventful.
At Pier 39, after my 90 mins cruise, I had to survive on the 'dink Ladoos', yoga Bar due to Limited vegetarian options around but I indulged happily with the Hot chocolate at Bischoff 💖 and live band at Pier. what a vibe!

As I got late from train station to Pier 39 this morning and I had to pay extra 5$ and take an upgraded cruise of  90 mins instead of 60 mins as was originally planned but I was more than happy !!

towards Chatting with driver in Spanish😃 thanks to Google translate

Ate great Indian meals at my accommodation suits.

🪶

25 Feb 2024

"Scorpio" A love letter (book by Heidi Rose). bay view suites

Passion, personality and prompts. Loved that mini book of love , encouragement and power of depth of understanding self."

Evenings, I am back in my hotel, which was located amidst the centre of vast open grass fields, surrounded by mountain ranges spread far off till I could see and the room window faced a few ponds with swans in it. The view of these ponds from my window was so pristine and a blessing I can't get enough with.

The area was too remote, isolated and with the setting sun, cold will increase and it would make me feel more alone but then few things that kept me warm were the fact that this is all just passing moments and I should cherish them, plus, hot chocolate at the Micro kitchen and a warm cozy small library with many short-read books like "Scorpio".

Good night Love (Ruu).            

(I would steal moments to take notes and it would start from where I had left the previous day, but by then the day would have turned into night or visa-versa. And all these Goodmornings or good night's are a result of that 🤷‍♀️😅)

With the cruise ticket that I had purchased online, I had additional 3 places I could visit and amongst those one that lured me was - Academy of Sciences,  Woke-up with the thought to catch 7:40 am Caltrain to SFO, but after a lot of research on train timings and sight seeing places that are open for visitors,  I decided to keep things minimal for myself and stay focused. That really helped me thru the day as I wasn't prepared for the trail walk that was coming my way at Muir woods.

New entrant Clipper card (savings!)

Boudin bakery 

Pier 39

The feelings I felt for seeking charger at the bus depot (a bit aahamed, but it's ok I need to be kind to myself and know not everyone like sharing or think so for atleast mobile chargers)

The walk near boudin Bakery.

@Bus tour started....going around the lane, history, famous chocolate factory Ghirardelli, A school named after Basketball player, the beautiful homes and lanes and drainage systems and doors...

Sadly no people, no smiling people or very few.

A vibe full of fear.

Anyways I was on my way to fulfilling the most amazing bucket list of getting to do the Muir Woods :)...and that reassurance in Big Bold letter sending Love my way...and it appeared at a display board at Gas stations where Petrol prices all listed as 43.1, 4.31, 341 etc etc...love is all I could hear and feel in my heart and in the air around...one that is universal.

The charger saga, the amazing Driver and laughter we had in the trip and how 5 mins delay from me  was too much that I was made to walk a few steps closer to the bus and then catch the bus :).

I took long healing walks in the Muir Woods, getting to chat with a volunteer at the entrance who explained about the age reading of trees via reading the circles, the new technology to learn that by only precision scooping or a radial circular piece and fixing them back with an ointment or makesure the tree is kept healthy and no damage happens.

How the Red wood trees have such different levels of leave growth and beauty that it is each diff. At three diff. Height segments of the length. the mesmerizing thing that they grown in family family circle. They grow another burb which is a mass like structure developing near the root or any other part of the whole Teunk of the tree, which is where another tree shoot would crop up but the trees doesn't want them to be cultivated by Humans or by external resources but want to be self sustaining. Such deep sense of resilience and confidence n revival. pure magic.

Also, enjoyed the quite time thanking the universe that bought me to witness thesw magical Woods and thanks to Mayank Talati (My ex manager who suggested me go and checkout those).

Then the Sausalito bonus trip as ainhad loved the name and place in the first look I saw on a online booking tool and how I requested God to help me finalize n secure a group tour which is well in my time reach (balancing commute from MTV to San Francisco to Pier 39/ Big Bus depot)...and it happened...just a decision away.

Sometimes the compactness of life makes us willing to open up to new adventures and get out of comfort n expand that horizon of comfortness.

Enjoyed staring at beautiful high-end cars and icecream (later resulted in stomach cramps). Somehow I made it back to MTV after 1.5 hours of train journey and 30mins cab without throwing up or passing out or pooping in pants...(God's grace🙏)

I had great chat with reception folks and also learning about the picnic basket she bought from a local fair. 

Had great idlis ordered for dinner and a deep relaxing sleep after a bath. 

I did started to get the feeling of missing home and returning back but I braced my up by telling to focus on little milestones...one day at a time .

Over all the day was 

blissful . Thank God and love.

26 Feb

Wohooo! Started my day at 8.30 after snoozing my alarm for the third time. As the day unfolded I got busy with balancing IST meeting request from managers and others plus changing schedules on my own calendar.

The biggest surprise came when I learnt that Google in Mountain view is not just one building, but it's a whole village and has many many buildings and that was a Burma created a panic but at the same time fun as I was thinking about it and how my mind was working at was very innocent.

Soundarya introduced me to the short trip app I headed to meet her for lunch. Had a greater lunch. Learned a lot about her life style. After moving to States then met Megan , walked back and found a new way from MTV to bay view.

Met Jenny and chut chatted about many things our work, career, family, tough times etc. all at an amazing location and over a chai.

It was so amazing to get me people of one and one learn about many things and share my knowledge.

Had a great evening meeting Marcia for dinner.

Long career discussions and the challanges and navigating them etc etc. over all the Tesla ride and chitchat while she was at BVS to drop me helped me clear my mind out and carve a way out for my upcoming meetings.

I was wondering what was something that I still remember effortlessly about my day and that was: the little gift I got for all of them :)

Few incense sticks and crochet bookmarks 💕. They loved it and it leaves back a memory or me with them :)

Happiness and grace. Also the long group call with family chat group helps me feel connected and stay sane. And offcourse a simple blurting call with SIF helps me be me. Wishing wellbeing for all. Sabka Mangal ho. I do miss him in bouts and long for... at days, moments, air or listening to songs.

Still I know it's in best intrest of all and M on my path of duty over desire and my heart is at peace 🕊️.

Thank you.

Experienced the third weather after so called bright n Sunnyv days .... Rains, cloudy n rainy💕

27 Feb

Ladoos

Bookmarks

Incense sticks

Charger

Pp and purse+ scan receipts

Water bottle check

Book luggage and chekin at UA

Headed to MTV office, met johaana had great 1:1 and recollecting the path we have had and the learnings.

Then ride my Google bike 🚲 to 2001. Met Megan, Amy, Met folks had lunch with Faizal. Met Yooly, Yumi, Kathy, laughter with Jamie over the ergets and poop n how they build nest n that lane is closed. Chennelle, kathy, Brittany and how I kept eating while she was chattin.

 best dinner with Bobbie at Spice Craft Indian hotel exploring Indian Street cuisine cutumized or localized with form factor eg .Pani Puri in test tubes with chutney in injections. bite sized pav (bun 🍞) with potato Fondue and not Vada for Vada pao. :p 😀. Clicked loads of pics except Claire and I. Every day or most days call with Family and then rearranging stuff at room, clothes and s

hoes etc.

28th Feb 

The main summit Day. had slept late at night, woke up sleepyhead and then clair messaged to check if we can do a pic together. I commited 9am to her but got lost on my way figuring 1220 office whole riding my cycle.

Then the birthday girl, Meagan had to find me across road and take me along :p. Had a day long wonderful session learning about eachother via ice-breaker, PgM stuff, culture best practices, challanges, emotional intelligence..DSPA e/ABP mi lunch together getting to see all others around, plus the rich hot chocolate shorts at work and then dinner at DishDash. 

Enjoyed great conversations at dinner with everyone else.

Had a wonderful time chit-chatting and discussing things with Brittany and Amy while enroute to DishDash resturant for dinner and getting to know how things are diff in India and elsewhere;).

Back at Bay View Suites, I loved my hot water adjustable shower in spick and span bathroom, aromatic shower and bath gells and then just jumping into my well made bed after changing and applying the castor oil on my legs and joints. And slowly, the warmth envelopes me into sleeping 😴.

I miss many things and people around me and a lot. But it's all going good here so far and I feel more greatful to the universe and Google for this time and opportunity.

Best regards

Ruchika Jain 

Ha ha ha..In my mind I am an ABP for life? I just signed my block like how I would do for an email response.

Thank you God, Univer

se. I love you💕🙏

29th Feb 

Sunnyvale 8.30 collect bottle. [done]

Get back to 1201 [done]

Google Merch store [Visited]

Checking in luggage [done 11.10pm]

Lunch [ salad and pizza slice]

Meetings [Done]

Head to SFO [Did]

Do academy of sciences [Been there done that]

Office visit [Postponed]

Get back to

LIVE a GREAT STORY!

My highlight was getting the most of all blessings of life. Made sure to collect my lost bottle from SVL. Prepared list of everything to do.

Catched caltrain running, with one stop slipped and payed from Palo Alto. Clipper card recharged

Direct bus to Academy of sciences California...walk...rain..chill...winds...all of it.

How it was all in my favour. Girl walking with her tiny baby in arms in rains. 

Being able to attend planetoriam (free of charge) and sleep under the spherical screen. Recharge and get to the flower view of corpsy flower bloom. One that's awakens after a decade.

Butterfly.

Cab share that worked well. 

Caltrain switch and me reaching a bit early.

Katheryn (the lady I made friends with on Caltrain) picking me up from station and dinner from sarvana bhavan + home grown camomile tea.

Such out of a dream world home...with so much love and life filled in it. So much to talk with her. Her beautiful love story and a promise to see the church where she got Married. She driving me back to bay view suites. The reception guys were thrilled to know that I made it to the academy of science. Me retiring for the day after packing the luggage, hot water shower and having my hot chocolate.

I also remembered that my day started with a status post on Taruna's no. That it is a time to take a leap. What did you do with this one extra day (29th Feb 2024 : Leap year)

And call with SIF.

1st March 2024 (@US MTV)

Up early.... Took shower n head bath as we planned to go to Stanford. Checked on Google and learned that church timings are 9-11am on that day.

 Kathy suggested we start early go around the Sandford University sculptures and buildings that she loves and then at last which is also when church opens for the day, we visit that.

She was very kind and extremely generous to pick me up at 7.45 from my stay apartments and the universe sent a sign my way - the immerging rainbow🌈 ... right infront of my eyes which also added a soothing backdrop for Kathy's car from where I was seeing it. After I hopped on her car, she gifted me the most precious gift - A Book she had written and published while she began her motherhood journey and captured the best of lessons or learnings that she had received during those days. And I felt as a piece of my heart was just left there with her... forever.🥹

We started to the Stanford University. Spoke a lot about many things...love life, relationship, healing, reincarnation, her anniversary, intention setting etc. After reaching, we started University campus tour (only exteriors and sculpture installations and landscaping+ elevations of different departments) from bold and bright yellow 'YO' font installation which was also marked the entrance of Cantor Arts Center at Stanford University

The tour to me, was more like a artistic story woven in Kathy's love story. My eyes was attentive to the ambience but subconciously my mind was tuned to the words coming from Kathy which also filled it all with passion and liveliness in every corner of the massive campus , it's architecture, huge statue installations and elevations of the buildings across. It was story woven into another.

As I am writing this what surfaces at top of my mind was the Bronze casted facial sculpture of Pierre de Wissant, Monumental. That day it was raining fircasted but at the campus it had started to recees and it had started to drizzle. We commenced from the giant statue of 'gates of heaven' and I took a look of the sculpture's description inscribed on a bronze plaque which also suggested that Rodin's sculptures expresses itself differently in sun and in rains; and there we were ...blessed with Rains!

Each of those Rodin's sculpture spoke loud about his gift, that he could bring alive depth and devotion in those masculine life sized figurines. I was awestruck when I turned to pieer's sculpture, Tiny droplets of rains were receding from the sculpted facial skin and was making the installation more immersive! almost as if it was screaming of it's agony in the loudest of voice - in silence. 

I couldn't stop but encircled around the installation and with my bare eyes continuing to stare at it, feeling the emotion coming alive with evey step I take. The rains infused a charismatic aura and a sense of life to it and the experience was deeply itched in my being that I could feel it as I write this.

Huge marble balls of diff. Size and colors.

Neuroscience building

Meeting others visitors who too were waiting for Church to open.

And then we hold our breaths as we were let in the church where every tile speaks of the glory of the love. The interiors were very roman with highrised domestic and walls and glass painting and even pipe piano. I sat there trying to immerse myself into this massive beauty, the realisation that it is all True and I am in it and to collect my thoughts and feelings as so much has happened in the past few days that I never could have imagined.

And that was it! We drove back, chatted about the same newsletter (THE TUT) we both have enrolled to, Kathy then dropped me and we exchanged one final in-person greeting and I was struggling with my emotional out pour but I was deeply touched🙏💕

In my defence...

I don't know how a Mother's love is for women who are self assured, loving, nurturing and caring for not just self but everyone around them. Those who aren't scared of tomorrow, one who isn't locked in the invisible delicate balance of honour, respect and craving of being free from the micro managing eyes, from over protection. One those aren't afraid of making mistakes or failing. One those who can take decisions and be at ease.

Writing this while slipping in and out of the YouTube audio "inner child healing - mother's love affirmations" as I was triggered by a heated argument with mom over her constant yet intimidating questioning - Why did I go up & down stairs multiple times, if I washed too many clothes, if I am cleaning kitchen mess etc (I was fasting and she wanted to makesure I do not over exert myself by daily chores).

When I snapped back at her questions and asked her if she has gone mad or her mind and eyes are just on me all the time! I clarifies  that daily work is something I choose to do to keep myself active and it will not dissolve me... 

Her intense response thru words were - that I should learn to say yes/ no in answers and not answer her back, and that I am more of a people pleaser and only know to just show off mannerism and not actually mean it, atleast to my own parents. 

I am glad that I am not as hurt or broken as I used too be after those words nor judgmental. But such words reassures me that probably one-way it is good the way my relationship/s are or were, what good could I have done to them either way when my own foundation is always trembling. The experiences I had in those relationships eg. made to feel used, disregarded, not worth a respect, or if they are broken, hidden and it also makes me feel that probably I am not meant for relationships. Hurt and wounds are all we carry, where we do not know to face each other in the darkest of our hours with respect and acceptance.

Anyways, I have enough of such stuff on my plate as of now.

I know I shouldn't be writing this as a trigger response but it is also important to face self and take whole responsibility and clear my heart more than anything to be able to be alive. 

Over the last few years I have realised that the hardest battles are that with our own self which includes our own people, directly or indirectly. Because you love them so deeply that it hurts to even think ill or hurt them in anyway but as humans we are or say 'I' should be knowing of my own limitations of anger, of resentments, of unhealed past, of lack of validations from the very circle that brought me up and the knowledge that somewhere those people who unknowingly are hurting you are hurting themselves deeply from there own trauma's, wounds and journey of life. I will continue to fight the inner battle of me being the disgraceful child who probably doesn't know or feel love for her parents...

I feel sorry for myself for choking up at such pitty events but I don't know how to help myself, I can't cry nor will I be understood.

Sometimes it's best to sleep off with those affirmations to ease your own heart.... Afterall, you come alone and will leave alone. 

Mom's love is precious, kind, innocent but sometimes it becomes too suffocating with conditions. May I be forgiven. 🙏

Would like to tell myself - I allow myself to feel hurt, frustrated, or confused. I am not alone in my experiences. (Takecare Tanu🫂)

Sweet lessons when needed the most

A few days back, on the day of my fast, on occasion of Paryushan (Jain festival), I was in a lot of emotional turmoil and a feeling of withdrawal due to unresolved events and helplessness or lack of perspective to be of help to a dear one. 

In my heart, I asked the almighty to help me and show me a way how to balance it all.. And later I forgot about this 

As a part of fasting, I was suppose to take only boiled water  (cooled naturally) and no food for 24 hours. And as a passtime thought to listen to a video shared by my Bade papa (uncle) and bush my limited knowledge on Jainism. 

And... There it lands...I  was shown the path thru that video.. In the last conversation where the host asked the Guest one last suggestion for his audience and his reply was : 

Let hatred turn into friendships but never let Love turn into hatred-ness, protect love.  💞

Happy 5th work Anniversary to me 💖

Yup, it's a massive milestone: 5 years completed in a single organization, and I deserve a celebration!

Happy 5th Googleversary, Ruu! 🎈✍️💖

As I reflect on this blog post, it feels like a significant part of my life has been dedicated solely to work. Now, a small fear creeps in: What will I do if I don't have work to earn a living? Will I be able to survive? Can I lead a meaningful life? These are real fears that sometimes trouble me, but on other days, I have bigger things to deal with, and life feels normal.

To be honest, I'm not one to make a big deal about such anniversaries or birthdays. However, this 5th year anniversary feels like a turning point in many ways, and I wanted to reflect on the events that led me to this day on my journey from September 3, 2019 to september, 3  2024.

The journey of the past five years as an Administrative Business Partner has been a rollercoaster ride, filled with rewards and many firsts. From the C19 lockdown to my first and last offsite with the ex-team in Sri Lanka, the network I built and maintained during remote work, the leadership I supported, the knowledge I gained, and the challenges I overcame, I've grown significantly both personally and professionally.

The international trips, friendships, support, and recognition I've received have been incredibly rewarding. Leading and participating in various communities, especially those focused on tree plantations and government schools, has been a passion of mine.

Reflecting on the most rewarding experiences, it's not about the paycheck, wealth, or travel. It's about being remembered and appreciated for my contributions, even after leaving a team.

These five years have also strengthened my ability to advocate for myself, speak up, and mentor others. In a way, I've lived a fulfilling professional life, which brings me peace. While not everything can be achieved in life, knowing that a higher power has a plan for our growth keeps my hopes intact.

Looking back on my collective work experience of approximately 19 years, life has been kind and rewarding. I am deeply grateful and excited for what the future holds.