When a plate of dosa, chutney and sambhar is shared between two people sitting across the table and each one has a morsel in hand which was intended to be dipped in our beloved chutney but for the convenience of the other (unconsciously) one gets dipped into the sambhar and other one just plain gets into the mouth.
Ha ha ha....God knows if either was happy but both were assured of the underlying essence of care.
Let's see...if we can experience something each day for next 12 posts?...
2. What is Promotion? (19th Feb)
Not at all considering work related promotion...though the season is such :). Personally, when one sheds-away an identity and take a leap of faith into the new and unknown - be it moment, Persona, new bonds, sharing with honest and respectful intent...
A few years back, I watched an animated video of various stages of a satellite's trajectory when it is launched and one thing got clear to me that as we evolve as a person or grow in any way - we shed a bit of ourselves in a why that enables us.
3. Foundation of a well cultivated relationship? (20th Feb)
Well...It might sound selfish or self obsessed, but repeatedly life reaffirmed that the best relationship one can cultivate is with oneself.
Taking a stock of the years passed by - during C19 lockdown, I know I have personally spent hours, days, months by myself. Even if I was in company of my loved ones, I was in my head for a good part of that time.
Today was a day I would call 'allowing myself to sit with me, My emotions' - gracefully, wholeheartedly; allowed to be spoken off or about & share but not criticise, to show tremendous love in all that this being is and have become, even if it means tearing the protective walls ..letting tears roll-down, feel every bit of raw emotion that is surfacing and what all is going in my head and heart. For a longtime, I have been getting this urge to stop this corporate world and kill-myself down with unwanted pressures I bear and end-up hurting myself, pushing myself hard to fit. My heart says - go and be with Papa, learn and do farming but on a second thought I question myself, is this an act of running away....from something that is unpleasant at work and is pressing me hard - emotionally, the constant changes, dealing with them - all by yourself! because no-one would understand your journey and why is the need for anyone to know it....am I seeking pity? or is it that I believe only I am the one with such and such challenges whereas if I want, I can see and be at peace with the fact that there is actually nothing that I really need to worry so much about (touchwood) - only If I want to unmask and allow myself to accept that I need not create unnecessary challenges, make things, events or experiences so complicated for myself and act from the deepest of unhealed wounds of words spoken by a source where my trust was laid out.
Amidst all this was a theme emerging, of 'Fear'; of 'what if (anything deviates)'; of 'changes'. How deeply it agonised me - the thought of uncertainty of any kind, be it even a certain information not available to me at work. As life unfolded, I became so comfortable with uncertainties that it almost started to feel natural and welcomed in almost all arenas of my life (unknowingly). It shaped - me and a identity I portrayed to be me; for others who needed to categorise me. There was a constant flux of adjusting to whatever embraces or stabilises 'That' identity but the underlined emotion of fear wasn't rooted-out. I unconsciously called for events and individuals in my-life that rather imposed much terrifying memories and forever left me in a lingering questionable situation of - am I so unworldly? or if, what I know and believe to be my world was an illusion?
Today, after a two hrs. call with a colleague about my contributions for performance writing, my heart was filled with a strange emotion and I wanted to cry my heart out. And I sat with myself to reflect and acknowledge what was happening. I allowed myself to go deeper and far into my Life's journey - bucket all that reflects 'Fear', as I felt my actions are no-more a desired ones rather compelled with the fear. I wanted to reflect at the scenarios that made me feel vulnerable, patterns I am still carrying and if any particular ones I am willing to dissolve and come to terms with my identity - 'now' - a different reality.
Starting from the ones from my early childhood...
Mom not being around when I feared exams.
Fear of being left alone...all by self.
Fear that I would be made to go away from my mom. (After she gets her second child, married away etc).
Fear that my indecipherable emotional outbursts or clinging behaviour will result in tainting my mom's image.
Insecurities I developed when - friends which were labeled 'Best' turned away to be with someone else.
I feared Love from anyone else than that of my Mother.
Later, in my teens, God blessed me with certain people and relationships which comforted my withered soul. I forgot what I was missing in my life. I sailed thru the roughest of times with them, they became the torchbearer. But less did I know - I was trying to unconsciously cover-up the deep cuts. With it I developed another layer of fears with same underlining theme....
Fear of being pulled apart from folks I loved and who loved me
Fear of being questions and judged.
Fear that I will not be able to explain myself or about my truest feelings.
Fear that I need to constantly be in a race, with a constant friction within - between the naive inner-child in the world of statistics & that of portrayal of a grown-up being.
I never wanted to leave my nest.
Lower self-esteem that I am the only one at fault.
I entertained transactional relationships, especially at work.
I thrived in roles that made me feel a key contributor in protecting; be it information, identity, individuality etc.
The constant need to prove myself to satisfy the underlining identity which din't ever sync with me but I still thrived at it.
A lot of what I reflected pointed me to one common theme - 'Missing motherly love early in my childhood'...her assurance and confidence in me. And I could also see the repercussions in my behaviour and response pattern:
By now, I had engraved it on my soul that every relationship fails - once it gets tagged or labeled.
It all started to seem like give and take....in smallest of steps or role we play.
I took the responsibility to provide for...in every relationship I considered dear.
there is lot in this pandora's box and it would be best for me to sleep over it for now.....
Before I sign-off, I wanted to mention that my Mom is innocent and unworldly, she always had the best intent and interest for me and I love her just the way she is. She hold responsibility only for all the Good and beautiful in my life and nothing else. Love.
4. The guiding signs & Kindness (23rd Feb 2022)
While walking I came across a beautiful feather and my mind wondered what is it telling me?
I had somewhere read that the colors of the feather has a message hidden in them.
The grey feather was ~6"long with dark stripes marked from left to right across the length. I was for a absorbed in-that moment and was taking into count every single detail my mind can capture about it. My curiosity pushed me to look for the hidden message ...and I searched on Google. Learned that It was an owl's feather and below is the message I got:
While walking, into a few steps further and manier thoughts on feathers and the marvel of nature's communication. I entered a park. Sat in on a stone bench and was happily having deep conversations with a friend and then I see another small tiny grey feather resting on the pathway in-front of me. It was a plain grey but still it was the most alluring for its perfect shape and compact size.
I bend down to pick it, was initially hard to grab the hallow shaft part with my thumb and index finger but somehow I picked-it up and what amazed me was the front of that feather which was a beautiful green.
A green feather signifies that if there’s one thing you won’t be missing, it’s luck! The color implies fertility and fortune, which suggests that you'll come into a large sum of money or will see everything fall into place in your love life. What's more, if a loved one has ill health, then it could be a sign that they'll recover and get back on their feet very soon.
and it made my day and a small gesture that I saw outside someone's house was this....it filled my heart with gratitude and trust of the impact and reach of goodness <3
5. Is love ever sufficient? (27th Feb)
Possibly no, never. I feel, all life forms are alive only because of the pure essence of love dwelling into us....At different stages or phases of life - love received and expressed changes, the form shifts. The course, the intensity, the purity, innocence with with it is held or even accepted.
But there is a simplest litmus test for self- when is it that I am most happy knowing I am being loved?
And I love the richness of the below saying by Kahlil Gibran & the line that resonates with my soul is ....Make not a bond of love...
6. When my calf muscles spoke. (28th Feb)
I have taken a day off from work but when I woke-up, I experienced a my thoughts were on a spree, I felt sinked in the anxiety of what to do or say what all I can close with the ample time on my hand. In the hindsight, I have a tremendous load (seeking clarity, defining my small wins, planning a global event etc) of work on hand but I am also experiencing a withdrawal.
After chit-chatting with my neighbour, finishing breakfast, I was a bit settled with my thoughts and took time to acknowledge lightness in my calf muscles, a sensation resembling weakness and have been sensing it for quite sometime but have been long ignoring.
After knowing the work of Louise hay, I felt I should check what is it that my body is saying to me, a pattern I need to release to get back to ease, I took-out a book from the shelf - Heal Your Body and the closest I could go was:
Muscles (LHS) > The underlying thought or belief or condition of mind > an affirmation I need to practice(I experience life as a joyous dance).
Indeed, there is a lot of honesty! resemblance with my life as of today and there is no stronger force than the truth - one that nudges your core.
And being the usual me, I further dwelled into the background of 'resistance' a root that directed me to what I feel the most - F.E.A.R. (nothing surprising about it though...)
Something told me to checkout some self help videos on YT and my heart stayed with the one by J. Krishnamurthy. This one which spoke to me and my conscience:
I am going to watch it again in peace and with focus.
Before that, I wanted to take a moment and acknowledge my deepest gratitude for all the many people in my life (from my birth - till date), for experiences they carried, for being the nudge factor, for some being my strength, for some walking along, for few being my friends, for some being the reason for my laughter and for some being the courage behind my being, for all of them being - just purely themselves so that they serve for the higher purpose of my life's course - the lessons I need to learn, the patterns I need to dissolve.
Love & Bliss
7. Trust in a relationship (3rd March)
After yesterday, when I experienced a brief moment of numbness in my body, of that of the ground slipping under my feet.....off-course this could be because of my thoughts, assumptions based on a few events I witnessed and I am not able to allow myself to question the person in concern nor am I willing to really seek any clarification.
What I am drawn towards is ... a Question - In this ever evolving, extremely dynamic and co-existing
What is the meaning & value of Trust in a relationship? Is it an injected belief, personal to every individual or is it a status quo, or a blanket or a an asset?
Why is it so delicate and gets shattered with slightest of nudge?
Why in the first place, is it important to one-another? Does this also means the truest essence of love is missing which lead to doubt creeping-in...or does it mean I chose to co-exist irrespective...
.....well not a happy/ healthy flow of thoughts here and I want to leave this here. But...
My cellphone has a gratitude reminder for every night and take a quick mental note of 10 pointers - things/ events/ experiences or people from my day for which I feel grateful.
Today I feel immensely grateful for :
For my morning Yoga routine
For the blessing of a loving and immensely caring neighbour who keeps me nourished with timely and ample food
For Ma and Papa (hearing Papa's voice on phone makes my heart feel so grounded and at peace)
For family, nephews and niece 🐣👼🏼
For the financial freedom and stability
For being able to wish my manager a B'day with a surprise flower and chocolates. (best feeling to be able to make someone feel special)
How things/ tasks started to fall in place at work.
For the fresh betel leaf and nut from the roadside lady vendor and her gesture to give a bit extra so that I don't feel the shortage....I was so touched with her love.
Everything unfolding as this Life and my blog (my space & it makes me feel @home with my thoughts/ vulnerabilities)
Love & Grace
8. Mum | Mummy | Ammi (6th March)
While en-route to a nearby small town (in Feb), I was contemplating - how to make my mom's Bangalore visit more comfortable and memorable. It occurred to me that I hardly know anything about my mum...her choices, her favourite color, food, places or anything that she really enjoys.....
For a moment I had tears in my eyes that I took that one relationship for granted...I felt ashamed of myself and when I shared this with my friend; I was asked why do I feel so?
After a brief pause, I replied - I was Ma's world and I got so habitual of she looking after me that I never realised she is also another human being who never expressed that she needs or deserve love, care... rather she took it upon herself to nurture her kids..all the time at all age.
I just hope that I allow myself to flow with the unfolding of events and stay calm and indulge in the time while she is with me.
Love
9. A morning for the soul's calling
Water-color Bookmarks
10. So much to observe but so little time to pause and write (midnight 11 March)
To satisfy my quest to write I chose myself to be the canvas...and re-write a beautiful, creative 'me'
11. Dramatic life of 'this' girl. (12th March)
Just two days back she gets to know what she is experiencing at work is Stockholm syndrome.
Before even she could internalize this new information and that something of this sort exists;
next morning she wakes-up trembling...after seeing a work email that had some last min requests for which she wasn't feeling enough empowered.
It was a Friday morning and also a global workday off. As an exception, she had an intro call scheduled with her new manager at 11am. She sobbed and tears were the only way out for her to let go the mental pressure she felt. The new manager was eventually made aware of the context behind those tears.
With a heavy head and hazy mind, she chose to step-out with her neighbourhood friend. She goes back to that lane where her first hostel was located...she reminisced those good old days with dreams in her eyes, those mischiefs of jumping off the hostel gate to just be able to walk in a lane that sells sweets. That captivating sweet fragrance of flower sellers lane....that touch of south-indian culture....a walk in nearby park and some jackfruits (first of the season) to munch on... walking along the pathways with huge trees almost as if they hold a age-long awareness about life and a mysterious power to make someone feel that they are grounded, stabilised and looked after. After a heavy load of insensible hogging of street food and long ride, she returns back home.
Just approx. an hour later, she gets a call from her another friend to meet for dinner and a drive. It was initially a meeting with some differences due to financial crises that came-up for the other and how it has to be sorted out. After a soothing & heartfelt Kashmiri Kawah and Guntur Idli, she felt a bit settled but had already worn out from the stretched emotional turns of events. Her friend drops her at home and she realises that the main gate is locked, she jumped off neighbour's boundary wall to get to her home. Had bought some ice-cream for her neighbour and the very essence of being able to add some sweetness to someone's day lifted her crumpling being.
The neighbour friend and she then discuss the planning for receiving mom who is travelling to Bangalore next day (12th March) and how she plan to make sure that the house is tidy and cupboards are arranged with one dedicated space for Mom's clothes. In between she also tries some dance moves on 'Kaccha Badam' and it was hilarious. And it's a wrap to the day with laughter.
Cut to next day, Mom's arrival was ~12:49pm. The neighbours and she were excited. Possibly she was a bit lost with the turmoil of emotion she is experiencing in her day-to-day life and work. So around 9:15am she and neighbours take breakfast and plans to book a movie show with mom. In the excitement of booking a movie after almost 3 years (C19 pandemic), the neighbour mistakenly booked the show for 10:50am for same date😓 andit conflicts with all the planning - receiving mom, Neighbour's work shift etc.
As soon as we all realised the blunder; we all became a part of some sort of frenzy - each one trying to see how to avoid the losses by reselling those tickets, making calls, posting status on whatsapp etc.
I contacted a friend & a cousin (localite) to check if they can buy those 5 tickets or can refer a group. Was suggested that the best is to go to the multiplex and sell it outside the counter or were asking 70% discount. It was a collective effort of realigning priorities with what best can be done and what can be left to fate :)
We decided, two of my neighbours would go and watch the movie, sell remaining 3 tickets at the same multiplex. This girl will get ready and go to pick-up mom. But eventually:
All 5 tickets of 10 am show were sold at MRP. we were all relived and over joyed with this adventure.
This girl made some soothing wood-apple juice to help us all calm and carry some for mom's welcome :P
My friend eventually joined me to go and receive my mom.
We walked to the metro station, settled-in for ~10mins. And just 9mins before the arrival of our metro, we realised we were waiting at the wrong side of the platform and then again we ran to catch the train on other side ...phew. We made it in.
After reaching back home, we all had lunch together and started to plan our instant sort trip to Pondicherry, Auroville, Mahabalipuram, Dakshin chitra & possibly Ooty. To be true...this girl just wanted to keep travelling and make it home whichever place she visits.
The neighbor friend could join her trip which commenced on 15th March 2022.
leaving the 12th post blank...in love in grace..in the joyous dance of life & in gratitude :)
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