Whenever I win the battle of procrastination vs attending to a Calling..I love myself a bit more. Today it's about returning to my blog page.
Initial days of 'My blogging journey' (consider it as a term to identify an activity) started with the curiosity and excitement about something amazing - 'A blog Page' which is openly available to the masses to write, read, share, network, just document or have a place so sacred and close to ones heart and it helps one to live more authentic life than that for the outside world.
Last few months I engaged a lot in reflection time checking my thoughts, emotions, desires, beliefs etc. a urge was constantly being fed with evolving clarity about a certain patterns and to simplify them and pause to understand the deeper essence of those in my life. With patterns, I also realise that I have revisited a few episodes of my life a number of times, felt remorse with a deep churning in my gut whereas there were days I understood them in different light and was amazed at how I have the ability to distance myself or detach from associating the self with those events rather take them at face value...which is easier said, than done.
Such visits and reflection also motivated me to associate the spiritual angle to attend the discomfort I have been feeling and see it thru the lens of lessons that I called-upon to enhance my growth as a individual in this life-time, to know that Universe was indeed listening and preparing to deliver the long forgotten childhood fantasies that I would have manifested without ever being bothered about the results.
At days I wonder why the painful memories are the only ones that calls for a revisit....is it that I am addicted to pain? or I have accepted it as a belief for myself? And some days I wonder if Vipassana will help me release the heaviness associated with those painful memories or if writing can bury that pain ....and on a contrary note I do wonder if I will loose a sense of purpose if I do not feel the pain.... meaning if I ever deserve happiness or is it fake. Who am I, what is my identity outside work.....
and this inner dialogue continues....
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