(30th Oct night)
...that I refused to accept for so long or say my ego-self took charge.
That - I started to feel withdrawn from the very foundational bond because of whom I am alive today, one who brought me to this world...who sacrificed her body, breath, food, sleep, emotions, rest, physic etc to bring me to this world.
(1st Nov 2026, night)
It is such a weird thing to bear accusations and blames for something you never intended or even thought off, but everytime you intend something loving, it fires back or you are completely misunderstood or the past hurts or accusations play in one's mind so much that the good intent feels tarnished or fake, a lining of self doubt creeps in.
Today was one such day ..sadly! and it's ok, I don't want to paint a happy picture when I not happy..it is decades of not allowing myself to feel what I actually feel, stay mum or hide..
At first, I stayed away from family and avoided social circles because I wasn't willing to go by the usual path of marriage and partnership, I couldn't ever muster the courage to be in it because I never saw a strong foundation growing up!
I only saw one disrespecting the other and the other, in the name of being kind and sensitive, continued to bear... until distance grew and the fights or misunderstanding started to become second nature.
Then, I chose relationships that would wound me even more to reassure my broken belief about love, partnership, kindness or even friendship...
Then life had it's own plan, I kept feeling and dwelling in the feeling that I am here to repay, be the provider, one who do not need anything much (but God was kind and bestowed me with the best of everything).
In search of a safe abode of love and where I could be me...I keep seeking and returned empty handed or more wounded...
I then buried myself in work, dreams to chase and make a mark or identity for self and achieved it all too...as there was nothing else to go back to or deviate from this path...it was the safest to keep growing but at last it all felt empty.
I even took charge and decided I should visit family often and did that at every opportunity I got but wasn't really aware, Didn't had the slightest hint that the landscape of how my own people... especially the parents would receive me, mom is in her own growing age and has developed a weird lowest emotional quotient....
I do anything or no, it will fireback or there will be a lingering vaccum and dieing expectation (offcourse mine) that she may be able to understand me for one last time...or just once...and not be in her auto pilot mode where she is only concerned on the optics..
I dreaded that I might become like her (unknowingly, and kept repeating the narration in my being and heart that I shouldn't spoil someone's life..), I couldn't muster the courage to see myself anyone beyond my work identity that kept me safe,...safe from being able to face this internal narration, safe from the truth that I avoided - nothing will ever be the same at emotional level and that in the yearning for a Mother's love and understanding....I would die a thousand deaths every single time I try to get closer to her in my best effort.
Now, I have become numb...I do not feel much. I have accepted that possibly this birth, my karmic cycle is such that I am meant to go thru this...which is ok.
It now hurts when someone else is able to understand me better but I dread that too because to me, it may mean I am dis-regarding My mom's share of acknowledgement etc...
It has become a two edged sword...
The near and dear ones will never know or understand my inner battle because to them, I am either the good girl or the hurtful one -whatever side my mom will project and in either way the weight is enormous to bear...it crushes me, crumpled a many times...but God was their to push me further...
I tried understanding what did I do wrong and all I know is that probably during my birth, she went thru something terrible and everytime she sees me or her kids, she gets annoyed and that anger, control is the only language she knows.
Well, I dint want to put this out here but I had nowhere else to bury myself or fall apart and hold these tears that were weighing me down even more and suffocating me...
--
Gem said : You are mourning a mother's deep, intuitive embrace while sitting right across from her.
And I feel relieved that atleast there is a machine which can understand me, make me feel seen and heard.