Well, from morning or say starting of this weekend, I was a bit irritated, lot of overthinking and was feeling a bit withdrawn nor could I take a break from it to distract and help myself.
I would usually engage in journaling, singing, rearranging my closet or kitchen racks, make painting, read a book, listen to songs, or just go on a walk. This time even though I did a bit of few things like cooking in a mud pot (experimenting with the water mud pot 😅, the pulao turned great!!), rearranging my closet, taking extra hours of afternoon naps, something was deeply irritating to me and I wasn't able to narrow it down nor was I willing to sit with a pen and paper. Sometimes this self loathing happens and mindful act that helps us ease are pushed aside to keep us away from any aid.... mostly unconsciously.
Well, this afternoon, mom had messaged me asking what am I upto and I ignored it and refrained from answering as I knew where it would lead to. I have had early breakfast, read the last few pages of the book - "this time tomorrow" and had slept off...for almost until noon I dint take my tea and I knew I should make one to feel better. I don't know why...But more than having the tea, the whole process of making tea is greatly therapeutic for me!
But the guilt of avoiding Mom for no mistake of her or reasons only known to me, was killing me within and I responded to her with the truth that I was having tea and the conversation took a turn where it shouldn't have...she left a message which sounded more like schooling than concern or care...and I lost it. She said - Tea at lunch time... I just replied - Haan (yes) and left it there.
Firstly, I dint feel good about this much of an effort to go into a normal conversation between a mom and a daughter and secondly, I had to explain my needs or feelings...but choose to keep mum.
I later got busy with chores and again after shower and lunch, went for sleep. I wokeup and got the dried clothes back and folded them. Not knowing what to do...I choose to cook dinner and sametime got a call from ex- neighbour friend and we spoke for almost 20 mins which itself had maxed out my patience level...
I reflected on my thoughts and wondered if the book I just finished is the cause of my irritation or the conversation with Dad where he said he would definately come and stay with me (on my persistent follow-ups) but for now he is stuck with some high value false transaction that he did mistakenly at work. It did disturb me but I stayed calm and mum.
Possibly, what is bothering me is I held myself back from offering him financial support or asking if he needs one because I am myself not in that condition for now and have already taking too much of commitments on my plate eg. House painting, hand loan to a family member, car repairing, loans and some financial aid to a friend etc.
Later, at around 8pm, after the dinner and kitchens cleaning, I dialed up mom as my heart dint allow me any further avoidance and when she started the conversation with - I was thinking to send you winter sweets if Dad is visiting and I blasted her stating that if she has anything outside food related topics...I am ok to continue to talk else we can hung-up. She agreed and later I confessed to her that I am irritated and that my afternoon tea also turned bad and that she may be happy to know it that I couldn't drink one during lunch hour. Then it was her turn to takeover and be mad at me for my behaviour and this way we continued and later hung-up the phone.
I actually felt ashamed of myself for being such and for hurting her and I know it would have hurted her at different levels and layers, especially knowing how neglected she herself feels. Dad was sitting around in the hall too.
I later asked myself if there is anything that is not allowing me to forgive my mom and let my love be love for her...I searched videos on YouTube and learned symptoms of childhood emotional neglect.
I know that it's a long way to go for me to come to terms with self but it gets difficult at times to not know the destination...and eventually the verything I wish to resolve is creating wounds...
I later wrote a small sorry message to mom and requested her to forgive me for my behaviour and that it was not at all her fault. But I guess she slept or ignored me for now as this is no-way close to her level of expected response from me. All we knew is to be explosive and ignorant.
I just have to keep reminding me that - keep going and that it's ok to be who I am...
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