Within the enclosed walls of my mind, with shutters of the eyes locked, I began to race with my thoughts, especially the ones after my conversation with the therapist.
The questions I was asked and the reflections I went through...
Me: how a small note from mom, crushed me and put me in deep pain and I began to feel the pain associated with other events of my life...
She: I can see, you are currently in a lot of pain...
Me: (in my heart) I need to hear it from someone. Thank you.
She: I can see there is a lot of feeling of unworthiness, of not feeling you deserve to be loved or have a life that can be easy and normal...
So, what I can see is you went from a phase of normalcy back to low phase (your current phase)... Am I right?
Me (weeping and wiping my tears): yes, I nodded.
She: what is it that you want to attend to, right now?
a) A recent relationship/ betrayal?
b) A relationship that has been there since long but I see you loosing yourself in it and the lack of safe space in your life has unfortunately translated into it - a safe person for you, instead.
c) Your situation with your mother
Me (feeling the heaviness from the intensity of the moment and being overwhelmed) : I sobb in the napkin that I held in my hands
She: do you have water around you?
Me: no, that's ok. I am fine....(Clearly I wasn't)
She: ok, tell me what do you miss about the 1st one.
Me: after, collecting my thoughts. Just the space of me being me. Felt seen... what I hid from the world. Of free flow and no compulsions. Of companionship, friendship..., togetherness..
She: hmm.... You have deprived yourself of all those things.
And what about the long term one?
Me: After mom's trigger, I went into a series of downward thinking...I pointed out the lack of time from him, his work commitments and if at all I fit anywhere. I know he is still in the pain and trauma of losing his father, being boycotted by own family... And is wounded. But time is limited for us all....
And when I heard the priorities i.e securing his son's future and resolving some personal tasks that his Dad desired...
I asked him, so I am no-where in the list and could be attended whenever time permits. Right?
His response or expression was that of helplessness. And I read deep into people's gestures... Knowing or unknowingly.
I called-up that both our life times are separate and I cannot keep waiting for every damn thing in my life and his response was - so, did I stop you?
Me : no and I bursted into breathless sob... Chocked throat and tears (not because of the conversation, but because I knew In my heart, I was fighting this very reality of timelines....💔 And couldn't accept it)
(I felt the pain that I felt when I heard the lyrics of the song (tere liye from veer Zara):
Kya Kahoon Duniyaa Ne kiya
Mujh Se Kaisa Bair
Kya Kahoon Duniyaa Ne kiya
Mujh Se Kaisa Bair
Hukm Tha.. Main Jiyun Lekin Tere Bagair
Naadaan Hai Woh Kahte Hain jo
Mere Liyeh Tum Ho Gair
These lines have, since then haunted me, confronted me and I failed everytime I heard it or even thought of it. )
She: what keeps you still wanting to be with him when you know there is no future...
Me: I always felt safe with him. I could be effortlessly the mad me or the happy me, I can be wild or I can be the baby me. He is my home...
She: but, R... You have given him the authority of your life's decisions but somewhere you need to also know that you too can make decision for yourself and it's ok if you fail, there could be consequences....but eventually it will make you stronger. We all have only one life.
Me:... Ya, this is another thing I noticed in me that I don't like to make/ take decisions
She: and you want him to take one for you so that you can hold him responsible for your life path...
Me: I guess, unconsciously that is what I kept doing and built-up recenment for all the events that went hopelessly wrong...
She: can you take WFH for a few weeks?
Me: and go where? Home? Towards my triggers? Again?
She: how about staycation? Work from anywhere... Meet new people... Stop connecting with the friends you have...
I agree that time and age gone will never come back, but still! It's worth it. Fast forward it to next ten years... You will be in a happy state.
Me(paranoid with gut churning) : I fear it all. Deeply.
She: I know you have a deep seated fear of the unknown, of starting all over again..., the guilt, pain, uncertainty etc
Me: nodding... In yes🙂↕️
She: Ok, what hurted you the most when the person left you? What was your feelings
Me: His words - "this time she came, I dint.!" I wish he would have known, I would come a thousand times if I wasn't let down this way...
Those words made me feel as if I was made to stand lifeless and ripped bare infront of the crowd of unknowns.
I lost my ground on which I lay my trust, so deep.
She: ok, I now let's come to your mother, can you create a Bingo of events that may occur when you meet her those may trigger you but this time, you strike it off and reduce the intensity of it hurting you. Afterall she is expressing what she experienced!
Me: smiling at the paradoxical fun here.
She: we will get over this..lets connect again.
Me: ok and thank you for accommodating my request at sort notice.
She: remember, you took so long to heal or forget the first one, and the other one is even more intense and deep and may need more effort from you... But keep the goal in mind... It's both of your wellbeing.
Me: consumed in void of that thought.
--
It's been 24 hours and I am still pondering...
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