Indeed the past few days have been emotionally challenging and I realized - for me, personally! it get's extremely challenging to detach or be able to focus on my own priorities or unaffected life (touchwood). The agitation and anxiousness was so much that my thoughts were racing faster than what my body could pace-up with and thanks to the realtime updates and numerous insights available on social media that added fuel to that anxiety. Anyways, I (guess) am not beating myself for that...but I couldn't really detach from the pressure I felt to do something for the nation, at-least whatever minimal in my max. capacity that I can .
Now, when I am about to fell asleep, after all these restless nights, with sleepy eyes, I reflect at what kept me floating:
1. I forced myself to engage in things that shifts my focus from any emotional trigger activation points to that of creative pursuits, time slows down for me. I requested a friend to join me for breakfast, followed-by a few rounds of walk in the nearby lanes and just talk it out.
2. I continued to list my weekends chores including hobby time and activities to engage with in-spite of every heartbeat feeling a burden, thoughts pulling me in a downward spiral - Life is becoming meaningless! whats the use, tomorrow is not promised, whom am I trying to fool etc.
3. I drew hard boundaries with a simple NO, with so called friendships where I started to feel drained; when I was reached-out by a friend that she will visit me blah blah blah... I felt at peace with myself. Sometimes, I hate this treatment if 'pity' that such people show on me!! IDIOTS!
4. I guarded my 'rest, read and learn' time from uninvited networking (read neighbours's time).
5. Engaged in decluttering my book shelf and stationary drawers. I discarded books that I haven't touched in months and I know I would never go to them. I cleared everything that is just there and make me feel guilty that I am hoarding stuff and even books plus some books took me back to few particular memories...
6. Celebrated summers, even more closer to my 'Now' by ordering 'Tender coconut' icecream.
7. Forced and started with a gratitude list & later transitioned onto some trigger journaling& reflections.
8. With hopelessness consuming, I looked at my commitments and as planned, cleared the final big piece of a big chunk of loan. And marking that Goal for this year as done, as such a blessing.
9. Progressed on my online sessions of Udemy prema-culture course.
10. Cooked, ate lunch and dinner with neighbours.
11. One of the day, Booked a movie and while I had sometime on hand, I visited a bookstore and to my amusement, picked-up the book - Normal People by Sally Rooney. Even before reading the epilogue, the Title of the book had my heart and a smile appeared on my lips and heart felt at ease. With everything in such a contrast, all I come across - Normalcy! in this form :D
It was hard, so hard for me to stay focused or centered and on one of the days, while walking with a friend, discussing Indo-Pak war and how I am taking one moment at a time and pulling back every concern etc with the world such that even if I am required to fight, I am ready!! War Ready!!
But soon after, I started to talk about everything that is making me feel deep guilt and how I sense a heaviness in my chest, for which my friend had to say - Just now you were thinking and talking about War and being War ready?..right?...I said - Haan 'Yes'. Friend replied : then just think about the war, don't your start a war in your head with your own-self at this moment! 😼 (I laughed-out loud at this situation of mine)
Wrapping randomly as I was about to lose grip on my phone and drop it on my face, as my eyes are shutting down...
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