Yup! Kudos to me 😃👏.
Since last evening and through the night, I did tread a bit emotionally.
It took me deep reflection to decide where to begin easing and the only thing I knew was to get out of bed and step out, inspite of the sun, being too late for breakfast (~8.30am) etc.
I somewhere realized only the air, the chaos on the road or change of environment has the power to help me heal from the moment.
After a good breakfast, minimal conversation with the other but a lot of back and forth within which I called out when my friend asked if I am alright, I responded - "I need to allow myself to take a break from people, places, even the job that triggers me and my thoughts are consuming me, I feel exhausted and emotionally drained as memories, expectations, isolation everything takes its toll especially when I am more aware and I have to be handhoded with my emotional downtime"
Post breakfast, I went for a walk nearby, at a layout with great lush green patch of healthy blooming trees. I took a small break, I tuned into my heart telling it to imagine as if I am walking in a forest, every step is rooted in the soft soil, my ears tuned to the loud mating calls of the crickets ;), also seeing a few bunch of new born puppies made my day, they were simply so adorable 🥰 😍
I could see I was starting to feel better. But again, the idea of having to head home, on a weekend, pushed me back in my agitated mode and I prolonged the time to returned by heading for a fuel refill for my bike. Afterwards, little grocery and veggies shopping. Finally, when it came to me being dropped home, my heart was boiling with anger and a sinking feeling and hurt.
Anyways, since I was aware of such patterns; before stepping out this morning, I had prepared a list of tasks for the day i.e. daily chores, head massage, sleep, reading, cooking, laundry etc. and I got along with that. Yup, sometimes nothing meaningful to do triggers me hard and I get entangled in an un-ending cycle of killing time, guilt, overwhelm for the pending work and overthinking.
At home, after arranging groceries, I jumped to the first task - of hair oiling and head massage and striking it on my task list helped me to slow down and take things one event at a time and feel good about the progress.
Post that, I tuned into a 15 mins body scan meditation to release trapped emotions and I don't know when I slipped into a deep sleep. I wokeup feeling rested and at ease. Felt happy about it and infact 'sleep' was one of the agendas too.
Then, one after the other I kept attending to the tasks but somewhere I procrastinated on work related events or even art stuff. I was feeling inclined more towards book reading and reflecting on self, on all that I am denying or rejecting because I am not looking into my trauma in it's face.
Why I started to write this post was because I came across this YouTube video - Root cause of trauma and why we feel lost in life, I had saved it to watch later. I had tuned in to it while cooking my evening meal.
The video spoke to my heart, especially things that I would have loved to know and hear growing up. I even forwarded that to my cousin sister's for them to consider it. They have kids and as a mother one should be aware too about what a child may need ( and not get caught up in social pressure of presence and showcasing only)
I feel in many ways I took baby steps to prioritise myself, not feel guilty about it nor beat myself for not being able to attend to the whole list of tasks.
And that, in itself is a great achievement for me.
I am surprised that, for a change, I am actually talking about achievements !! 😃🌹💪💝
--
Love you Tan 🫂🐒
No comments:
Post a Comment