Starting the day on a creative note

 

Had decided, will start my day with painting a card..

The start wasn't exactly the same owing to morning reflections, thoughts, then some inner child healing guided meditation which made me doze-off a few times, in between.

Then altering a loose fitting kurti using a niddle and thread.

Attending the daily chores like giving the dry and wet waste to the garbage collector, watering plants, brushing the teeth, having two glasses of water, chitchat with neighbours 😄, yes the talk has to happen from window, as soon as she wakes up., while we both wait for the garbage van. Today I had a tiny guest, neighbour's kid stopping by and we had a fun banter for a few mins, sitting at the staircase in the balcony 💕

Later, I kept aside all the voices in my head about work, life, and told myself - "You can Do it, Love😘. (Shed the burden and stigma of a Procrastinator....)

And finally, I did it!

And I know how those imagery boundaries held one so tight and I am slowly learning to loosen it one act at a time...

The Life List!

A day amidst the dense cloud of thoughts, of longing, of poetry emerging while bathing, of a breakfast with a friend followed by an ugly fight, screams and bursting of pent-up anger, of running away, of breathing heavy and deep, of hurting the other (emotionally) because I haven't taken the time to make peace or face my own hurts.... of bottling-up feelings and thoughts or say locking them as the time was never right or I never felt the need to prioritize myself or my ease; A day of -  so called call-off and riding back with tears being dried by the winds racing against the direction of bike....of finding solace at an isolated hilly corner of the nearby temple surroundings...(my safe space), of letting the flood of tears out...of shedding the heaviness in heart... 

And then, the temple bells and drums started to play and I was uplifted in my spirits, this time I din't feel guilty of being whatever I was a few minutes back and the rhythmic sound in the surroundings pulled-me in peace. 

I had to break the flow as was in a rush for nature's call (yeah...not all is fancy or fictional like any 'happily ever after' movies).

On my way back, I saw a few colorful roses at a roadside flower shop i.e. just a table and chair. An elderly lady sitting and hand weaving some garlands of white jasmine buds and on the table was an old, used paint-bucket filled half with water and a bunch of  roses of various colors i.e Pink, baby pink, yellow, dark pink and even blood red or maroon ones, dipped in. I parked my two wheeler on one side of the road and purchase four roses - two pink ones, a dark pink and one blood red colored one from the lady. As it was Ugadi, she was clad in a beautiful light copper colored saree with a thin golden border and her salt-pepper hairs were tied loosely as they were wet and had a small white garland (gajra) tucked in, she also had a sandalwood bindi on her forehead. Such beauty and grace clad around traditions and culture always makes me curious as to how they do it all and what keeps them going, is it the memory or love of the family being experienced thru these traditions? 

At a few steps, there was a vegetable and a fruit's vendor, I picked-up a few veggies and few Elakki bananas from there too. My mood shifted gears i.e. from sobbing my heart out in a corner to being deeply happy after seeing those flowers and taking that effort to purchase them for myself (not offering at the temple..in my heart I gave a flying bow to the God & I am sure he would understand.)

Finally, I reached back home with my scooter (which was away for months or probably an year, with my friend). The feeling of it being back, parking it in the house gave me a slight sense of freedom, may be I was slowly addicted to it's presence in my life as one of my companion, not just for jolly rides but also when I need a healing, to ride to a space where I can breath-in effortlessly, to isolate and hide away from the world or just finish all my mundane tasks.

At home, I wanted to head straight for a shower - my grey embroidered top was soaked in tears and the wiped running nose 🙈...Yes, I DON'T CARE! but then, first things first, I had to visit loo. 

In the bathroom mirror, I noticed that my eyes have got red and puffy. Seeing the messy house, I had to roll my sleeves and get messy to organize it but before that I latched the main door so that I can hide my puffy face from neighbors who definitely would walk-in anytime...especially with loads of festival food...in-fact, I was suppose to have my breakfast with them but I skipped. 

I took a few mins pause and decided the order of pending items to close. 1) Check if ironing shop is open > If yes, wrap the folded clothes and walk-up to the shop to deliver it, 2) Start with handwashing the soaked clothes & Bedsheet, on the washing stone on terrace so that the clothes can soak-up enough sunlight while drying ...(and maybe brighten my being too :P), 3) Dusting, broom-ing and mopping the house 4) organizing my kitchen a bit 5) Take shower and again finish washing the last set of worn clothes.... 6) Lit the lamp with bananas as offerings 7) Changing bed Linen 7) Get to the pending Permaculture online training  (had a very ambitious target of closing 46 hrs of training by the 1st quarter, say these three days of, time off-work..:()

In between, I got many messages from neighbour's to have either breakfast or lunch together. I told her I am full and will take when I am starving...but that was a plain lie and I was just not willing to meet anyone with my puffy eye and face.  

From the listed order or chores, In between 6th & 7th, my 1st floor neighbor came to return my vessels with traditional sweet (obuttu/ Holige) & some dal vadas (my favourite, from her kitchen). I gave her a handful of my snack - cut banana topped with Gulkand & dry coconut, which I was munching after shower and had paused when I remembered to wash my mouth and lit lamp first, after all this is the Hindu New year (and I never know what and when God may take something personal or against me...). I made a story for my neighbor that I was feeling exhausted and sleepy and was about to take a nap. She then quickly left but I actually was exhausted and slept off for few hours..or was in some weird mental haze, probably the psychical and mental exhaustion plus, the heavy festival food.

While on bed, I picked-up my phone to write a few lines that was emerging while I was bathing and once a space is cleared, deeper layers of thoughts surfaces, I remembered a few instances from my days last week, where I wanted to write about - who I am?, my likings, the bottled-up anger and triggers after knowing more about the fact of certain truth of one's life and the deep hollowness I feel when I seek Mom's understanding towards me or my words or feelings or just for the sake of a Mother-daughter bond but every time, I fell on my face all over again. It breaks my heart and my heart keep searching that space in every one I meet, consciously or unconsciously. 

Then, after a good long nap and an approx ~45 minutes of Permaculture session, learning a few interesting facts about permaculture design systems, how the flow of water is always 90 degrees to the contours, about tropical lines and hemisphere...I felt a little bit excited and wondered that all these stuff that I studied in my school days are now making sense and the concepts are crystal clear. Probably, back then I never knew the bigger picture of the knowledge being imparted to us kids.

Towards, the evening, I opened my door and neighbours's came flooding-in from all floors, with tons of festive food for me, some of which I had to store for tomorrow and I felt immensely blessed. 

Later, I had a call with Mom and I shared with her the thief saga from yesterday; the thief visited three houses in our colony and stole few stuff and how we ran behind him, plus how he was so kind to shift my  washed bedsheet, drying on terrace to a clothes line before taking the aluminum rods underneath the bedsheet :D. Mom and I had a hearty laugh on call.....I miss such lighter moments with her and this lightheartedness of her touches my heart. I get tears at times, just for the longing of such comfort with her.

And now coming to the topic of Movies and the only reason why I got here...jotting this blog...In my sombre mode, I stumbled upon a netflix movie - 'The Life List' and seeing a scene where, the elderly mother of three, snuggles with her youngest dear daughter while having a heart to heart conversation...My tender heart wondered if there exits something of that sort or is it just movies because the last time I was home, I tried to hold my mom in my embrace, she felt lean to me, as if shrunken, but she couldn't let herself be, she experienced discomfort....and I know, probably she never experience such language of love. 🥹

And then, my next door neighbour sisters came with some tea and more sweets and food, Plus one of their plastic trunk which is a makeshift arrangement as a closet of clothes to discuss and decide on the clothes for her upcoming biz trip to Hyderabad. 

Not to mention, towards the evening, I reached-out to my friend who is also grieving his father's demise and stated that probably none of us are in right emotional state to be kind or understanding to each other and need to take a break. My heart felt lighter..not for this but after the fight (i get to empty myself and my thoughts bothering me :P...Sorry )

......

And now, I am off to the movie...and hopefully should be able to complete it tonight...I mean before I sleep. 

......

Well, not me but the roses slept off ...

कागज़ ने पूछा कलम से

कागज़ ने पूछा कलम से - 

कैसे मान लूं कि, 

ये तुम्हारे लिखे शब्द, सच्चे हैं?

              कलम ठहरी,

              सर उठाया, और कागज़ से कहा - 

              मैं रंगों की मोहताज नहीं;

              जब कभी कोई स्याही खारी लगे....

समझ लेना हर शब्द रूह से निकला हैं

भावनाओं से सींचा हैं।

💝✍️

Clicks and calmness

 

Unusual...

Mindfulness 💕. Thirty mins that I spent in crafting this tiny paper flower and bouquet made me feel immensely at ease and happy. 😊 

Self Soothing

The more I get hurt, the more I am forced to look deeper and find the root cause, the trigger/s or mere flow of life towards which my understanding and acceptance was different, but in a familiar way i.e. one that would re-affirm the deeper beliefs I held deeper than my existence on earth.

Firstly, I shall confess that it is extremely hard for me to engage in such a self talk and I would rather go around the world (in my mind) seeking solace but for sitting with self and asking the questions that will make me uncomfortable but, in turn will heal me and bring ease. 

In Indian traditions, at any auspicious occassion, Hindus break coconuts; at my level, such auspiciousness begins with me sobbing...as if the limits of bearing the overwhelming feelings, self-criticism, dismissal from those who are mine, the burden of the past that I carry etc has all reached the threshold and my being is crying as if that's the only peaceful release I have had known.

Yes, there are better, more productive ways of releasing the bottled-up feelings but I must confess! I am addicted to Crying! Or sobbing till I exhaust and fell asleep, or feel that my breath has gone back to the normal rhythm.

The process of self-reflection started with asking a intentional question to self, in a softer, more compassionate tone (something, I have to practice hard) - What is it troubling you Tan? Why are you feeling this deep hurt? 

It's so funny how this effort of self Soothing tone and love spoke to me, it made me feel calm and for the first time, I was attentive to my own self and wasn't just going on an autopilot mode...

I allowed myself to reflect, go over every event that triggered me, be it Dad's rejected comment on a small task where I gave a shirt for ironing (only to save him some time, so that he can spend that undivided time with me) or Mom's casual dismissal at every point I make or we having a regular conversation. I also carried the heaviness of feeling 'failed', in all my attempts to crease out basic gaps or misunderstandings with family, rather I was considered as an outsider, barging into the hard walls of insecurities and I was asked to keep mum. In addition, the unresolved traumas that I carry where I feel I was betrayed, was violated and was damaged, all in the name of Love and friendship. My being felt lost and shattered.

I don't know about others, but for me, when a girl is violated or taken advantage of...it cuts her deeper than any physical wound can ever, her whole being and her existence become a living question. Mostly, because a girl's upbringing, especially in an Indian household, she is protected, nurtured and taught that shamefulness is a part of her and the weight of public morality lays heavy on her...

What happens when a violation or betrayal is planned and is in turn blamed or turned towards that girl and would be told that she agreed to go along...

She looses, looses not just faith in people - she once considered close that she could lay her soul bare, but then, she looses herself. Every breath of her, every act of her, every word she speaks or be like, she thinks it all twice. She looses self confidence because at the level of her surrender, there was this last step of trust and unspoken agreement that she would be walked hand in hand, thru the path of life, and will be respected and cared for and would be supported at events where she may be very naive or would be talked thru, may be that was my wishful thinking or an oversight in terms of knowing people.

Or maybe that was all too heavy-a-load of expectations on the other...or just my fate.

Such underlying struggle, shame, especially when one looks into the eye of a dear one and know this truth deep within tayt they failed them too; on a day-to-day basis weighs extremely heavy and it gets emotionally and physically exhausting to be able to engage in living a life meaningfully or with ease. 

On one hand, one tries various support system, simultaneously work regularly on self, untie one thread at a time, one emotion at a time, one shame at a time, one trigger at a time...unlocking the knots that tightens the soul.

But a small gust of life's events or people's behaviour can put it all to waste.

This is also the time one is most vulnerable, smallest of ignorance or attitude of people one engages with, hurts deeper and resets the course of healing.

On other hand, I feel I have lost that sense of what is acceptable boundaries for myself with others  and what is not or with whom do we held those boundaries and at times or mostly end up hurting the ones who cared for me. 

I use to meet everyone with an open heart but now, I overthink and stay aloof and isolated as much possible because I am tired of fixing or dealing with this constant overwhelme. I go blank. If relationships, even so called friendships are failing I would ignore the fact and be quick to let go and forget any disagreements and move along untill I realize, I have been taken for granted or being taken advantage off, all over again... probably that's what I am deserving off.

I would be made to feel like an option and I would agree to that and accept it. Because that is what makes me feel that I belonged...less judgmental towards self, more agreeing to not have to go thru self doubts etc.

This leads me to another biggest factor of hurt and sadness - Validations. The validations I seek from my own people, complete strangers or those who have known me a bit because it all deeply matters to me and I unknowingly spend a considerable amount of time just seeking it, at first it was all unknowingly. And I would just beat myself-up in the end.

बिन दिशा की राह 🌸

 उस सफेद सिरहाने से लगकर, 

खिड़की से दिखती रोशन रात मे सिमटकर

सिसक सिसक कर, थोड़ा हम रो लिए 

कुछ आंसुओ को अकेले में, हम जी लिए 

गम न था किसी बात का कोई ...

पर हर तरफ बिखरे दिल के घाव थे... 

जैसे चली ट्रैन ...

मानो खुल गया कोई वो भरता हुआ घाव 

जो बना था शायद - 

कुछ यादों से, नकारे वादों से, नापाक इरादों से, या बस जिंदगी कि लिखी लकीरों से...

ट्रेन के चलने से लगा

जिंदगी चल पड़ी है किसी दिशा में...

छोड़ के बीते रिश्तों को, बातों को, यादों को या याद दिलाने वाले ख्वाबों को...

काश...चलते रहेँ यू ही हम, बिन दिशा के, बिन आस के,

शायद अनजानी राहें, मिलवा दे मेरे मन को उस विश्वास से,

' जिंदगी' जीने के, बे झिझक उस अंदाज से।

Gratitude washes away the heaviness of emotional heart

So, yes, I am feeling emotionally exhausted and sitting here at the railway station, waiting for my train which is running late by four hours thirty minutes. I've shed a few tear drops for the suffocation I feel from taking on too much emotionally, and for the events that I am not capable of understanding nor accepting them as they are. Sometimes, I don't know where to begin to fix things.

I find myself totally isolated and lone. 

At times, it's also the yearning to be near my own people, when I could take time away from work and be with them. But they have distanced themselves or are filled deep with deep resentments which doesn't allow them to experience ease, love, trust or even be in the now....their whole being is filled with anxiety, self imposed compulsions, burdened with the unspoken expectations and conditioning...which has turned into bitterness. 

I can feel deeply how much my heart, in it's core wants to scream, let it all out and take a break from my own self for a while. But definitely one cannot take this liberty to be able to scream with family being around else they will declare me mad and disown me...ha ha ha.

Well, It has been long since I sat with myself to jot a few lines of gratitude and as always, here I am...(Yup those heart touching voice and lyrics..💕)

Today I am truly and deeply greatful for :

1. All the episodes of crazy laughter due to one mistake of mine... turning the toggle switch on, on the train app (whereismytrain) to 'inside the train' while tracking the live status of my train from my home. The app showed that my train has reached my boarding station, catching my phone signal; whereas, a minute back it was 3 hours away. 

This change in toggle switch changed the pace and environment around. It was around 4:30 pm and we (Mom, aunt and myself) were all in the kitchen for our evening Tea and how one switch made my aunt take a cup of tea in a quarter size plate to cool it down, Mom started to pack my tiffin whereas I began to dump all the scattered items on my bed into the suitcase, mom on other hand was also on a call with a auto driver, asking him if he knows train has arrived 😃 

Later I realise that the app is taking my current location and the train has got further delayed by a few hours. Thank God. 

(But one thing I realised, the pain of missing a train is more as compared to boarding a delayed one...delayed with dynamic frequency of time 😂

And secondly, Mom's will be Mom's ...have no training in handling any sort of such emergency rather Food is the only thing that matters when it comes to their kids 🫢. With the choices they both made to enable me to be able to reach train station on time was absolutely around food 🥑)

2. The chance to visit a nearby temple (Nav Chandi and Shiv temple) and attend the evening Aarti. Best part was the loud drum-beats which made my heart release some emotional heaviness as the sound resonated on my chest area and I felt as if the desire to scream was satisfied... without actually screaming. 

3. Maa-Papa, Badimummy x २, Bade papa and all of their love and heart in me...how much they all care and look after me... irrespective of whatever misfit I may be..their affection motivates me to leave behind the hurts or shame I carry (deep within) and aspire to bring some happiness back at them, acknowledging and respecting the time on hand.

4. This time of WFH where I could just be home...laughter with bade Papa, have long deep conversations about my journey of self awareness, the distance between myself and Mom's Bond etc..

5. All 4 days that I could visit Jain sadhviji and could offer them Gochri not just at home but everywhere they visited while out for seeking Gochri💕🙏❣️

6. The visits to local fair (Navchandi Mela) near the temple and all the shopping and laughter with Badi mom and Mummy. (Ramesh ka haath (back scratching tool which looked like a palm miniature), beautiful glass Bangles, footwears and my favourite Indian Gooseberry candy).

7. The time spent with Papa this morning, cleaning his Car, helping him with laptop etc...

8. The tongue twister practice this morning with all family members and laughter (Upper Roller, Lower Roller)

9. All the knowledge that came my way to ease me . Including an insta post talked exactly about the above deets and generational trauma. It appearing on my screen was truly magical and made me feel deeply comforted with the knowledge that - atleast somewhere someone or  something understands my dilemma and journey.

10. The Red moon which I could see from within the dark A2 compartment of my delayed train 

11. All my friends, their Love and care and the one desperately waiting for me at Pune (ty Bitti)🙏💕

12. Everything that helped me ease a bit and be a little bit more into the day...be more mindful.

13. Playing songs on mom's phone this evening, (Tu kya jaane - Amarsingh chamkila), playing cards with the family and visiting cousin...Maa's  limited or unlimited love

Thanks Tan for taking this time. I love you so much and I wish that my love fills your heart enough that you continue to walk and cherish life at it's own course.

Looks like too much of feeling of love chocked me 

...and I may be getting a bit emotional now.

Healing is not linear

I thought, I have come a long way in my emotional healing journey....but I forgot to factor-in the external dependency on the relationships and their equations with me. The individual timelines, on respective journeys of life too...

Not knowing that healing isn't linear..

Some nights I had my emotions steaming into words, revealing my deepest cry....

Whereas, some days, my heart get's scratched at the slightest of words, dealing with the complex nature of gestures, complete ignorance or absence of emotional understanding between words and gestures exchanged. 

I long and continue to long...

And the deep longing insists me to ask myself...what is it that I signed-up for? why am I knowingly unknowingly encouraging the duality...? Why is it so difficult to breath easy and let go? Why I end up clinging to what one shouldn't....

The duality in relationships, the feelings I feel but can't express or feelings i feel pressured with...due to the weight of expectations of other..(Not anyone else, but self), why mostly the celestial presence brings solace and comforts me in this realm and none of those connections I am associated to. 

What was it that guided me at such an early age to seek support of written words and be observant of any bitterness or resentment bottling up...

Did I even succeed in anyway or is it the other way and I am just at the same point I had started from, decades ago...?

Who can help me understand this all? Who can be my accountability buddy? Who would handhold me and be my assurance in this journey? With whom can I be me... without the thought of questions of it being ligit ...

यादें

यादें...

कितनी अजीब होती हैं...

कभी कभी किसी के पास होते हुए भी उसकी कमी दर्शाती है,

और कभी, एक बूंद आंखों से झलका जाती है।

सैलाब सा आता है यादों का, अनुभूतियों के समंदर में...

पर कश्ति लम्हों की, समय के साथ आगे चलती रहती है।

यादें...

कभी गीतों में, कभी खुशबुओं में,

कभी पुस्तकों में तो कभी समझाइशों में

कभी लाड, प्यार और दुलार में...

तो कभी एक ख्याल में.

यादें...

कुछ लिखीं जाती है शब्दो में

या फिर, जी ली जाती है हर एक सांस में।

यादें...

Liberation

3/8

Friend:

I want him to move on ru

Can't see him suffering like this

Everytime he screams Amma, it's heart wrenching

Me:

He will S.... When it's his time

Just pray. Ur dharma here is to be around with him

Facilitate him in his journey.

I know it's toughest.

But still....

U feeling and thinking it as 'suffering' is worrisome

He has to take his journey

Let him

And when it's right time... he will pass in it's totality and acceptance.

3/9

I wokeup this morning and stayed in my bed for a while wondering what is it that I am feeling and what would I want to do during my day...

And since I am visiting home, I have noticed my heart always beats as if it is dancing to the tune of some hard rock music. I wonder why, why is there so much palpitations and a fear that lingers all thru... somewhere I knew my answers and somewhere not yet...

I then stepped out and entered kitchen to take some warm water and ask my bade papa if he would want tea. As per his daily routine, he and my Badimaa visits sthanak ( a holy place of worship for shwetambar Jains, a hall sort with basic amenities and mostly no fan of lights..as per Jainism) from 8.45am to 10.20am. Today my Badimaa was travelling for some religious gathering and bade papa asked me to join him for the daily morning Discourse by the visiting Satiyaji (Lady maharasab).

I hesitantly said yes but then I let myself feel free to cherish such rare occurance and events in my life.

I took shower, got ready, had a few sip of tea and started with a 'Muh Patti' in one hand. Before leaving home, I had messaged and informed my friend that I might be away from phone for an hour or so...just incase I am needed...

May be this was from my own learnings that there are days in one's life when  knowing that someone is there for you is a big relief...

Me and bade Papa reached sthanak in about 15 mins. There were just two people in the hall... one elderly uncle sitting on the side where all gents would sit and he was wearing his Pooja attire (a white dhoti and another white cloth to cover upper body) and to the far end of the hall, against the wall was one of the Satiyaji, she was was on her mat.

I helped my badepapa place the floor mat on the side where all ladies would sit and may join later, during the discourse. After this, Badepapa went to the corner room to change into pooja attire and keep aside his mobile phone etc. While I was entering the hall my heart was filled with a bit of guilt and fear of shame.. of not knowing much about the religion I am born in, I took a seat in the  the middle, along the long edge of that rectangular 8x5 ft mat. 

As I sat, I had many thoughts passing like clouds...one such thought was to seek some blessings from the Satiyaji for my friend's ailing Dad.... battling last stage Prostate Cancer. With each day the disease taking it's toll, testing the Human grit and also the trauma their loved ones goes thru...

The very recent picture that I saw broke my heart. I sobbed uncontrollablely.... strangely, I had only met that person once...that too may be twelves years back but still I donno what hit me so hard. I guess a bit of my heart sinked-in knowing the pain my friend must be dealing with; seeing the only person he felt belonged to and loved so much, the only source of his inspiration and his strength, one who stood by him in toughest of the times of his life... helpless and retiring from life. With savings running dry, with his own health going for a toss due to Sleeplessness and stress, from struggling to meet a promiss he has made to his Dad but time and life had it's own plan.

While sitting in that Hall, for a moment I felt so selfish for 'asking'. But then, I got along with the discourse...in the hope that I might get some answers for myself. Partially, yes, the discourse had some element that talked about the bhav (भाव –related to intent) and chitt (चित्त – related to the Body).

 At the end of that one hour, after the chorus of devotional prayers, discourse etc, when we were all taking leave, I went close to the Satiyaji with muh-patti on (mouth cover with white cloth), I bowed down to the elder one and it felt as if they can gauge the depth of one's heart...we both looked into eachother eyes and we both had a softness in our gaze...more like that of being able to share something deep and being heard.... I felt so safe in that presence, I requested her to visit home for Gochri (a practice of walking to Jain family homes (preferably) that meets the criteria of 'susta', at a certain time of the day to collect food as alms) and she simply replied with the explanation on why she isn't able to come to that side of the town.

It was a sweet meet.

I then respectfully bowed down to her and took leave. On my way out of that hall, met a few elderly uncle and aunty who wouldn't have recognised me since I haven't visited sthanak in many years... atleast in my own hometown. It was somewhat weired but also soothing to connect and introduced myself.

All this time, my badepapa had already changed from his Pooja attire to pant shirt and left the hall.  He was waiting near his two wheeler for me to join him. We started back for home, I got a few calls from distant relatives and was on it, all thru during the ride.

As soon as I reached home, I realised I hadn't checked my messages and my phone was still on airplane mode and I was using my badepapa's phone all this while. 

Then I got busy with helping mom in the kitchen, doing a bit of office work and then lunch....after lunch, I was feeling a bit sleepy but unable to let go the restless and palpitations...so I tuned to Yognidra....

I was in a deep state of rest while in yog nidra and something nudged me and I wokeup...and removed my phone from DND mode. I see the below message from my friend :

[3/9, 2:24 PM] Arun just called

[3/9, 2:24 PM] Dad's pulse stopped

[3/9, 2:25 PM] Going to hospital

[3/9, 2:34 PM] He moved on

I don't know what state I was in, I felt a bit relieved, felt surprised with the turn of events as all I was hearing that his horoscope says he would stay till April and seeing all the pain and failing conditions it was heart wrenching to even sink-in that longtime ...and yet, a tear formed in my eyes, without my knowledge...but I didn't want to cry because somewhere I know this would add karma to that soul.

I stay laid in my bed praying for the departed soul... And all that his body went thru, bearing the unbearable pain, the family who made sure to spend time near him during his last days.

Without caring for anything else.

My heart remembered the morning visit to sthanak and what my heart longed for, the realization of the prayer that I did not know I were praying, the liberation of the soul.... liberation of the dear one...from this wordly pains etc. 

In the evening, while litting a lamp, I remembered Satiyaji and deeply thanked them, I prayed for the soul that was so elevated. 🙏

Om Shanti.

Srirangam Temple visit - Part 2

Cont.

I reached Trichy railway station 20 mins late i.e around 7.30pm and the assigned auto driver had arranged another driver as he got another passenger and I had told him to not wait for me.

After a short waiting period, I got another auto driver and the journey from Trichy to Srirangam began....It was getting dark and the breeze was soothing, but I met heavy traffic...:(. I usually like to feel the breeze of a new place on my face and breath it....the ease that one feels when on a holiday, for me, it onsets with the breeze of that land.

Along with the breezing auto, and changing surroundings i.e. from isolated quite lanes to busy glittering markets, heavily crowded pathways with everyone rushing in and out of shops. It made me think if Valentine's Day has become a global affair.. painting the (with the horrible red, inmho ♥️) innocent roots of villages of India :). (Not that I saw roses or hearts being exchanged....it was something my mind cooked up, just now). 

Frankly, I had forgotten all about it being a valentine's day untill the very end of the day when a pen friend (one I have known for more than 19 yrs, but never met) who wished me - Happy valentine's day. A customary and respectful exchange of greeting to appreciate this bond of friendship.

After a while the auto driver was crossing a bridge that connects Srirangam and Trichy and it was a broad, quite and concrete bridge. There was a river flowing underneath it and that night I learned that Srirangam temple is located on an island sort landscape, in Tamilnadu.

On that dark passage, at the speed with which auto driver was flying, everything outside was more like a blurred film, at one point I felt my eyes saw something bright amidst the dark sky and when I shifted towards the right of the auto-seat, to take a closer look I peeped outside and saw the full moon!

A big, bright, shiny ball with a soft aura, moving along as if the spotlight was on it, all thru. The reflection of it on the patches of river water which were bright because of the moon light looked more scenic and I was left in awe. That moment marked the welcome for me. 

A passage connecting two landmarks, of moment, a path in the journey of life, few memories, many emotions....all painted with love and bliss.

by a big ball of light on the right.

The auto stopped near the hotel I had my reservations at. The entrance of the hotel was simple and quite or may be I expected it to be a well lit, big entrance with hussle bustle of the visitors..given next day was Saturday, considered to be the day of the temple deity. 

Nevertheless, I met Mr. Krishnan who was waiting for me at the reception and for some reason was super excited to see me. He took a selfie with me and shared it with my friend saying that 'his daughter has arrived and will be looked after well'. I personally wasn't comfortable...I sensed something weired. 

He then collected the hotel room keys from reception and came along upstairs to show me the assigned room...he unlocked the room and entered in..I stood outside. I peeped into the room and it was a dual occupancy room with two cots places parallel with side tables inbetween. Before entering the room, I gestured him to either take the seat at sofa or wait for me downstairs....and I guess my body language was more stern than my words. He got the clue. He said sure, will be downstairs.

I got in the room after he left and locked in. Took a few deep breaths and sat at one of the city in the middle of the room. I spared the other one, closer to the window for me to sleep on...so that it's neat and tidy.

Asa I felt a bit at ease, I washed my face and hands and then took out my carryon bag and filled it with a water bottle, wallet and a book. I called up my friend after checking with him if I can call...I narrated the whole episode to him just to reconfirm that I am not overthinking and that my senses are not too alert with Mr. Krishnan. He told me to be very direct and open with him...and if at all I sense anything off, I should just part ways and be on my own...and not bother about the reference or him being elderly etc.

For a few mins, I just stood there as it in my room worried, clouded with many insecurities and thoughts which would rather freeze me but then I reminded myself about the whole intention behind my journey...and concentrated my focus on it.

I went downstairs and along with Mr. Krishnan  went to the next door tiny Dosa shop which was a homely food stall with fresh and crispy dosas, sambhar and chutney, they also had idlies 😍...and my heart lit up :)

I hogged on two Dosas and a idli and Mr. K took just one Masala Dosa. We decided will take a night walk in nearby lanes and just see the town before retiring for the day. And I agreed...afterall, I really needed a good walk in those quite lanes... something that feeds my soul and stories of my heart. 

We started with left of the hotel and then went around in a few lanes and he kept meeting people who knew him and talked about the land, the temple, himself, his brother's house and that both of them are disconnected... etc. at one point we returned back near the tiny food stall and walked past it...and I was taken aback when I saw a massive structure at a the end of that lane, partially lit in a way that only the edges were visible to me. There was a beautiful full moon adding a ancient charm to that whole scene...I was being pulled in that direction.. effortlessly. I rushed with my tiny eyes not ready to even blink...

Not even in my dreams I would have thought that my hotel would be at a walking distance from this Majestic architectural marvel. And what a time I landed there...a full moon night!!

I stood there just staring at the structure... sensing something familiar, Words of Mr.K faded away, I was still, in awe, in such shock and at the same time sheet joy! Wanted to just pause it all and surrender to that moment or take it all in....for as long as I can, with every element that is there in me and outside. 

We took a small walk till the main temple, crossing the busy street filled with shops of brass items, stones artifacts or kitchen utility stuff, sarees and other cotton clothing, flower vendors and hawkers, coffee roasters and resturants selling the fresh hot south Indian delicacies...

The whole lane had a uniquely earthing feeling to it. I was sinking in to my now...One step at a time. 

Mr. K offered to take a few pictures of me infront of the giant entrance structure...but all I wanted was to be left alone. He as also mentioned that instead of Auto, we would rather go on his two wheeler to roam around the city and in mind thoughts went back and forth - what about the auto rentals, about cabs or even local bus transportation or atleast a two wheeler on rent that I myself can ride?

His offer made me deeply uncomfortable and agitated.

He then said - "let's call it a night", "we have to start around 6:30 am the next morning and cover all temples, finish Poojas etc.". I also agreed and bid him bye and headed to my hotel with a bit of emotional baggage.

After getting back to my room, I changed into  comfy night wear clothes and was deciding on what dress I should wear next day morning...

I kept aside two options...a new saree, one gifted by my neighbour and a traditional Indian Salwar suit

In that moment I was recalling my neighbour's words right before she handed over that gift, asking me to guess what it could be..she hinted that it's something you Love but you do not wear....and I was like ...what could that be...(And gave some really silly responses, but couldn't crack it)

There was excitement, a weired nervousness that lingered for a while and a bit of anxiety with how the day would turnout tomorrow. Later, the exhaustion took over...and I headed to the other bed...one close to the curtains. Strangely, I never took time to go close to it and see what lies behind them...and now I was.

Before I sleep, I wanted to close that constant nudge in my head about Mr.K's offer and I had to put and end...I messaged him stating that I am not at all comfortable with sitting pillion with anybody and that I would rather prefer an auto ride or a walk or a solo ride...

He replied - 'thanks for being candid"; and agreed to take a walk to the main temple and take an auto post breakfast

And.... to my biggest surprise, the curtain was shielding a window sliding panels which opened straight towards the giant Architecture and with Moon lit so well...It was a breathtaking sight and sound deeply comforting. 

I opened the curtains and lay in my bed with lights in the room turned off and letting the moon brighten the night beautifully more...

Strangely, this full moon was reminding me of one of the imagery that flashed when I had taken a PLRT. And the whole sight infront of me nudged me and intrigued me to dwell deeper about the history of this temple, the past, beliefs, what all it survived etc.....and I picked up my phone to do a Google search. That search opened a plethora of informations in form of commonly asked questions and their answers stacked together...

I got to know a lot of information which I would otherwise have missed noticing, even while visiting the temple. My curiosity helped me prepare for the day ahead and it also grounded me and made me feel more privileged to be able to be visiting this temple...

I learned about Ramajunam's 900 yrs old mummified body, the history about the white color of Gopuram, certain beliefs like Narayana takes a tour of the town and visits his deciples at night

This particular piece of information satisfied my inquisition i.e. why did I felt a deep peacefulness near the giant entrance?

I had to force myself to settle down and get some rest. I changed my sleeping direction to be such that I get to face the moon and it's bright light fell on my face...not knowing that this magical experience would turn to be my Lullaby, heard thru the sleepy eyes (bright shining full moon) and bed to be my cradle ❤️

To be continued...

#ChappedLips #DistractedMind

Consumed by over thinking, before stepping out of home, I was unconsciously looking for the lip balm (due to the dryness on lips)...

I shuffled stuff in my small travel kit and found a mini round box, ~1 Inch diameter. Opened the box, took a bit of balm and applied on lips...only to realise it was Vicks VapoRub 🙈😉

Huh! ਇਸ ਨਾਲ ਮੈਨੂੰ ਕੀ ਫਰਕ ਪੈਂਦਾ ਹੈ!

 (Is naal mainu ki farak painda hai?)

#ChappedLips #DistractedMind