Reuniting

How strange it is that you are going to meet someone you have known from your birth, or probably from few previous lives...

And since that last meet...You have grown to known yourself deeply and so much more.

Now, you will be meeting the other from a space known at the same time completely deeply unknown. 

The emotions will overflow, awareness may go but hang in there, hold your ground strong....the dawn will show.

Know that this is your only chance to let go...

To open your heart for love to flow...

To mend the bond,

To connect and be gone.

--

mẵa

Complete and incomplete Love

I was searching for an appropriate image online to share it with an elderly friend.... Someone I had met at Mumbai airport, almost ten years ago and appreciate her 'peacock feather' tattoo on her upper arm which was beautifully standing out on her wheatish skin tone. 

Since then, everytime I saw a peacock feather or similar design, I was reminded of her and I would leave her a message....like this we stayed in touch. And luckily, after these many years, I met her in-person for second time :).

Remembering that she introduces herself as Ritu 'Mohan'....the suffix is her way of acknowledging her love and belonging for Lord Krishna also known as Mohan. 

And as it's Krishna Janmashtami (Krishna's birthday), I wanted to wish her and found the above picture. Those two lines on the picture spoke to my soul...

प्रेम पूरा हो तो श्री राम जैसा हो,

और अधूरा हो तो राधे–श्याम जैसा हो

(If love is complete then it should be like Shri Ram,

And if it is incomplete then it should be like Radhe-Shyam)

While I was busy with my daily chores, these words made me think....where do I stand and my face turned red with failed efforts to holdback tears and my throat choked. For I have no answer to myself.

At times I ask myself why is Love so important to me, why I feel the need to find it elsewhere? There are days when I really have to battle the emotions of a five year and simultaneously with the one on this side, and somedays I start to feel pity on myself and breakdown all over again and fight hard to console myself. 

The hardest part of knowing too much about self is also that at days one would want to relive the old days, days which will never return or childhood that is gone forever or could have been different had the path was different. Such naive expectations also hurts  other deeper wounds...

And probably the best part of growing up is in the awareness - I can make a choice and also help hear the inner being.....one that was un-attended, misunderstood and ignored too. But with a little more effort the 'now' can be a different reality, it has all the power it needs ....we just need to makesure we attend to it with compassion.

Jai Shri Krishna🙏

(9.07pm when I was about to signoff for the day...I see a  post on a neighbour aunty's  WhatsApp status)

Taking this as a msg from krishna....

Take a moment of Gratitude'

 Thought a lot, picked up the phone and started a post and deleted it as it...blank, for I do not have anything to write about.

Just when I was about to log off, I get a calendar reminder 'Take a moment of Gratitude' and I am back here with eyes burning with exhaustion and running nose :).

Let's get going....

Today I am truly, deeply happy and grateful for:

The morning walk to get veggies and groceries. Something which I had almost removed from my life since long... probably few months or almost a year. Even the vegetable vendor was surprised to see me and asked where have I been missing, not to be seen. And I just excused myself saying - now a days I started visiting office regularly and hence, no cooking no veggies shopping. (partially the truth was, I was also eating dinner at neighbours home or with a friend at a nearby hotel...so a absolutely zero cooking). The morning walk was way too important for me for two reasons:

• I had subconsciously locked myself up in home for long, for various reasons and I had to push myself out. Especially for such lone walks.... without a company of neighbour or staring gaze of onlookers.
• With fever, weakness, a long list of pending household chores, I wanted to test my will and wanted to live that old, carefree me back who would just get lost in her walks, observe trees, feel the breeze, listen to the leaves whispering and humm along. Waving at the old uncle at the corner of the lane....etc.

And to my surprise the world had changed a lot and I wondered where was I, how come I missed seeing the red leaves of the almond trees, dropped and lay as a bed, the distance I could cover with ease. I am truly thankful. 

2. Sticking to my task list...

The top most was a. permaculture session, b. making Cards and then the laundary list of washing clothes, cleaning the veranda, cooking n cleaning, head bath with soapnut, reading 'The Palce of illusions' etc. 

Even though I pushed hard on the most desired one (a and b) by prioritising other mundane tasks, I was at peace, I was aware of my self imposed resistance and also that probably the conditioning my inner child has gone thru is hard wired but I am ok. I needed to show and feel some love and grace for myself which I did by intermittent sleep with soft music...just surrendering to the sleep so I wakeup more energised and continue with my chores.

And now,  when I am sitting and writing this blog, the satisfaction is deep,  as I did progress with my Permaculture training and also read a few pages of the book. Although cooking and cleaning took away the major part of my time that I let go of card making, I am at ease and in peace and that is what is most important :). So, thank you.

3. Seeing Dad & Mom on video calls and allowing the feelings to be felt. (🥹 Chocking..). 

Late noon, I was trying to reach Dad and he dint receive so I dialed Mom but soon I got call from Dad and so ai disconnected Mom's call and Dad disconnected too thinking I am busy 🙈 and like that the chase continued till finally Dad picked up the phone while he was on his bike, riding with helmet and said he will call after reaching home...

That moment made me think how pure the love of a Dad (or parents, in general) is...he took that effort to dial back, take my call inspite of riding and assure me that he will get back. His smiling face (thru the helmet) was itched in my mind and I Loved him a little more today and thanked God for such blessings 🙏, love and care in my life. Later I spoke to mom who is on her toes to board the train to visit me and I could see her excitement in her eyes. And like a child she expressed that if my tickets didn't get confirmed then?.….I said, will book tatkal! Simple...a day or two hear and there :). 

4. Wellbeing of self and loved ones and the assurance that all will be well. 

This is in particular to my own wellbeing, My mum's,  my neighbour's (all at their hometown) and a friend....we all are probably going thru a season of cold. But strangely at different locations but all at same time. But because this is just a cold and fever, we know we will get past it. Possibly this is body's way of asking us to rest up, ease a bit.

But unfortunately some are battling life..My friend's dad is battling 4th stage C and seeing someone so dear to us going thru such hardships and finding ourselves completely helpless is a deeper level of ordeal, especially when all you are supposed to do is to continue with your life's journey whether willingly or unwillingly. 

And in this awareness I thank God for the wellbeing bestowed on me and many and Pray for other wellbeing and ease too 🙏. May all be blessed.

5. Permaculture :

The way I came across this terminology was magical and as I began to learn more about it thru the udemy course that I am persuing, I am in awe about the mysterious balance of nature and how one can achieve so much or one just surrender to what nature has to teach us...the ways of design methodology, sound navigation, alkalinity etc. I feel drawn more towards land and permaculture, each time I learn a new topic and feel more in sync. The new awareness is something I was looking for all these years in my life. And finding this oldie Goldie sweet uncle teaching the course in his video which such humility and admiration for nature plus the audacity to exclude colleges from imparting the lessons from his book... Purely coz he doesn't want it to be just another course when it is truly a way of living. And I feel immensely blessed to have arrived at that course. Deep felt gratitude.

6. Friendships 

Something that always brings smile to my face and I have been blessed with such friends. While cleaning my Google photo gallery, due to constant reminders of it running out of storage, I came across Bhutan photos and doe almost fifteen minutes, I was lost in them remembering how Bhutan was my dream destination and it was my first international trip and made possible by a friend who had given me three choices of places to choose from,  for which I could only hear - Bhutan and that's how she, me and her friend landed in Bhutan. 

7. The night skys

After a long day or a lonely day, a tired or a day when I feel lost, or unable to sleep, just a look up at the night sky calms me down. I consider sleeping on the open terraces when I yearn for those warm hugs and a blanket of care and I know it's right above me everytime I look up. And I bow down in gratitude.

8. The seeds that sprouted and surprized me

So this is from yesterday,  I wanted to call this out here because the very episode pulled me out of my anxiety and unease. 

Yesterday morning, I was terribly palpitating for no clear reason or trigger nor was able to ease off so I stepped out of my bed and headed to my tiny garden. I was bit frustrated too so while observing the plants and new leave and a baby mango tree, I remembered the soap nut seeds that I had planted in a cracked mud pot Almost a week to 10 days back and nothing noticeable was found as a indication of germination. Or probably I thought they all dies as I was not around for a long weekend and Rain too was missing. So in my mixed emotions, I decided to dug-up a portion of mud from a corner assuming atleast one seed could be in that area as I had planted them in a circular pattern. And suddenly I see a broken hard shell with a green life shooting from it...OH! I was frozen for a sec realising there is life there and it's responding....and my heart started to beat faster as if just by seeing that new life I was infused with a life in me. I rushed back in kitchen washed my hands and carefully added some more mud and manuer with water to that seed and prayed in my heart that It stays Healthy and bloom. I wanted to thank that life form for the hope that it instilled in me.

9. For the financial wellbeing 

This is one of the most precious blessings for me as It not just enables me to go easy on my own choices of either food, long travels, crazy spending, experiment with; but also helps me to be of some support to anyone who is in need for genuine reasons. And I am thankful for being that channel of divine grace.

10.  Healthy and blessed Food on my place, lamp to lit and time to reflect 

--

(So the general rule is to start with minimum 10 points and if I wish, I can go on...but have to have 10 list for sure.) Do you have any?

Twilight surprise ❤️

 Two days after the supermoon....I get a glimpse of this mesmerizing mighty beauty....

आज तारों से भरे नीले आसमां को देखकर ऐसा लगा,

जैसे मां का आंचल हो,

और उसी पल्लू पर दूर...एक किनार पर चमकता चांद, 

   जैसे मैं :)

A Promised End

I forgot it was a promised end—similar to death! But, like a five-year-old, I continued to indulge in hope, to the game of sand.

The only difference is: death commands seizure of mind, body, and soul. Whereas, surrender to a "promised end" rips one off—the trust, the sanity, the balance, and the individuality—as a whole.

Re-surfacing dark memories of the experience consumes me... And, I find myself searching for answers! What did I do to deserve it? And why was I left to figure it all on my own, at all levels—of character, commitment, loyalty, and the heaviest of it all—being a girl?

Not all was lost until I continued to dwell deeper in my deepest truths and patterns. But then, the human in me asked: was it karma? If the lingering pain is that of denial of the occurrence or baggage of hope?

I find myself loathing in the asks: if the words and care were employed to lure me? Or did I make a mistake to trust the words over actions?    Can I even let this go down my life's timeline, or will I continue to put up with such futile efforts?

There are days that feel free from all these... But then, there are days when I am pulled back into the dungeon hole. When pain of each Nirbhaya's is all felt alike. When a memory of "so-called love" turns into a questionable remark. When even the dreams at night become vortexes of nightmares...

And I go back dismantling it all... including the words told to me: "don't think that it was your fault or you did anything wrong!"

I feel ashamed of myself to even think it this way, for I had staked my all and held "us" in highest regard. But probably, I missed the subtle hints... Or that I am being punished for requesting a closure.

But I am hopeful, someday it will all make sense, and I will not rot. Because, my feelings weren't fake, my emotions weren't a lie, nor was I anticipating this humiliation.

A part of me is in despair, not for any of the above! But for the knowing that - to let go, a part of me will have to die and it will die. Along with troubled memories, one that are dear to me will be incinerated too.

I would retire in the belief that this will liberate you from me... And myself, from the angst. I would console myself with: probably I wasn't meant to be, the way I had begun to perceive me...                          I will seek strength and wisdom to continue with my life to be, but never for the memories and feelings to interfere with me.

From now to the unstated,

A Promised 'End'

(Dated aug 14 - aug 20, 2024)

After this long period of marination with the deep emotions and posting it on my blog, I wonder and feel amused with myself that - how can someone be such a ball of emotions. Is there something so off with me or am I normal 🙈🐒. Well...it was God's choice to send me here ...

A Circular tapestry - life, with its beginnings, ends, and unexpected twists and turns

 Sitting by the beach, in the early morning hours, I checked in with my feelings and, like the nature of the sea to throw unwanted garbage back at that shore, my being threw up a lot of unwanted thoughts, anxiety, feelings, worries, etc. Impressively, the new knowledge equipped me with making peace with myself and just observing it all without engaging or judging. Soon, I began to feel at ease, settled.

Then, like the rope at the tail end of a fisherman’s net that is thrown into the sea and the fisherman is pulled in towards it, I was internally drawn to a childhood belief, or let’s call it a thought or maybe curiosity—I wanted to know Life. Yes, however absurd it may sound, it was the anchor of my life.

In fact, I also prayed to God to handhold me and send me someone to guide me through life’s experiences. I don’t know where the thought came from, but possibly it was also the deep-rooted, unexplained fear that I lived with—fear of being loved, fear of being given away after marriage, of abandonment from parents, of different stages of a girl’s or woman’s life, of exams, of not being good enough, etc., etc.

All those flashback memories and the beach naturally pushed me to tap into my creative side, and I started to pick up the sea shells in and around my reach, at a hand’s distance, and began to put them together in a sort of “tapestry.” As I began, one or the other thought was unfolding and was associated with life.

I began with a promise to myself that I would take each shell as it came and would not trade it with another in my limitedness of “that which looks better.” I started placing them in a circular form with the thought of life coming full circle, and as I continued to expand it outwards, I got few tiny shells, few comparatively large, few broken ones, few which were not the usual shape, some were beautifully balanced in colors and patterns, whereas few were faded ones, and a few were exceptional, meaning they were either too elongated to fit the tapestry, but I had to go with my promise and I continued to add them to what was emerging. And I embraced each one with the same wonder, love, thought, and appreciation. There were times I had this thought of disapproval, disappointment, or even worry that the whole thing would go for a toss with one so-called bad shell, but I continued in my awareness of my limitations.

A few times, a couple of shells fell from my hand and were placed directly into the design, which was totally unplanned, whereas at times I ended up picking up the broken pieces, which so beautifully matched with the other broken ends of a shell and complemented it. Some shell findings came as a huge surprise and felt too overwhelming to even accept as it overwhelmed me, and some were too tiny but existed, and that’s what I was practicing—to purely “adore.”

The design took the shape of a circle, and then, at a point, I started to close the last layer at the edge and thought that’s when the end is closer and my needs are limited, but still, I stuck closer to my promise and was blessed with a jackpot! A bulk of shells at a spot, and they were all so beautiful. But again, when I thought it was all over and time to retire, my curiosity was at its peak and I found a few more shells that were more like bonus :).

At one point, I paused and appreciated what I could experience in this whole time and called it a closure. Though the whole experience could appear foolish or illogical, to me it was a life’s lesson, and the sea was at its best to coach me in its humble way, in its patience, and in its love.

And I was walked through a lesson hand-in-hand.

Jai Hind, Jai Bharat! 

🇮🇳 Vandematram 🙏

Meri Bai (My Grandmaa)

I was on call with mummy this noon and she shared that it's Bai's sixth death anniversary and my elder Uncle and aunt are performing 'Navkar Mantra - Jaap' 

For a minute I went quite but had to pull back myself as I was on video call and mom would sense a change in my emotions or expressions.

Anyways, there is a lot to express and write about but I would just want to take a pause, from any actions rather let my feelings flow.....

I am on a bus and any journey for that matter, works like a catalyst to my feelings and emotions and they all surface and make there existence felt. Same for my memories with dear Daadi ❤️

I quickly went to Google photos and looked for that folder named as "Meri Bai"...Yes "Bai" is also lovingly and respectfully used for an elderly lady in Maharashtrian culture and yes, she was from Maharashtra.

I went back and forth with the collection of pics that I had with her and rest of family members, a lot of events, talks, laughter shared were recalled and I missed her more but my heart was in a state of deep gratitude, for the almighty for sending that beautiful soul in my own journey here on earth and for sending me all the love thru her.

I want to dedicate this post to her and her graceful life and over pouring love that kept us all wrapped in the warmth of her presence and care. 

(One where me and sis would tease her and kiss her soft cheeks)

(Our shared love for 'kulfi')

@Bai - Thank you for choosing us n me.

 And I salute your Grace, your legacy and boundless love 🙏🌹.

I miss you and love you (always).

Shame Cycle

 (I am sorry, if the title nudged you in anyway but this is more of a 'awareness' post. So relax!. And Thank you for stopping by at this post🙏!)

As a firm believer and practitioner of Gratitude, I would like to start this post by acknowledging and expressing my deep felt gratitude for all the events that conspired in my life and people in it, who opened-up a new world of awareness and who brought the knowledge and awareness to understand myself better.

I also wanted to callout a colleague of mine who happened to introduce me to this book called HOW TO DO THE WORK (which I haven't yet read) and the YouTube channel - The Holistic Psychologist by Dr. Nicole. I got hooked to the channel and the posts continued to bring new awareness of all sorts with regards to different traumas, how it impacts one in daily lives, what it feels like, the root case etc.

One day, I came across a YT short video by Dr. Nicole and got to know about a new term called the "shame cycle" and the video resonated with me.

Meanwhile, I had also been following a Life coach named Ehsun Anwar on instagram and learned a great deal about different  behaviours, childhood traumas, Insecurities or even how one would behave as an impact of unhealed traumas. 

As the new world began to unfold in-front if me, I got more and more hooked to getting to the root of it all. And continued my research or say search on Google to find my own answers. Like that, one post lead to another and continued. 

During the past week, I was continuously looking for more info material around the topic of "Shame cycle"; what it means, how it gets imbibed in ones being, how it impacts ones social life and relationships etc and I continued to look for more information around it. 

Yesterday, I came across a podcast that covered a detailed understanding about this topic and I decided to listen to it while doing my daily chores (to be precise, washing clothes at the open terrace). A part me was also cautious and was avoiding getting overwhelmed by the depth of information that I am yet to gain and I am resonating with. Hence, the daily chores and listen. As the destiny would have it (or I designed it such) I could only gather half of what was being spoken on the audio from my phone due to the interruption from surrounding noises that of running water tap, washing clothes or other birds and kids around. I left it as it and continue with my day. 

It being weekend, today I woke up and wanted to to check one of the task as completed and the easiest and most time worthy I could find was continuing with the podcast but the twist was - I lost the link and history was overflowing with new videos around clay pottery and I hadn't saved it either. 

While searching similar new topics, my only criteria to narrow down on one was - the content should keep me engage till the end  and Viola! I stumbled upon : John Bradshaw - Healing The Shame That Binds You (Part 1) Thankfully the only thing that I clearly remembered from the previous video was a mention about this doctor's writing and here I was, with the source of this knowledge from the horse's mouth. 

I started with part 1 and went on and on until the last video which was the 5th video. And I knew my day has started on a very strong note that of - Self discovery about "Shame" and it's impact. I am still internalizing the knowledge and made me feel a bit more empowered. And what encouraged me to write this post was the pain that sense for people who are struggling but they don't know the underlining 'why" or 'what is the cause'.

My journey is no different! but I was and I am immensely Lucky to have the right people, maybe the  knowledge coming my way in mysterious and magical way at the time I needed it the most, the support system available where I could be vulnerable and the time on my hand to help me navigate to build slowly, to find my own will and comfort. 

I am not saying it is or is going to  easy! There are days when one is filled with anger, could be the harsh one to deal with in a relationship, would be extremely self critical and one who would tear-up at a slightest emotional  nudge from a song, a movie, smile of someone, A fragrance or even a word spoken or a kind gesture expressed. 

And this post it for all on the healing journey, of any kind. May grace and ease be by your side, May we be on our sides too! Know that it is more like cultivating a garden, one journal at a time, one gratitude at a time, one forgiveness at a time, one Mindful act at a time, one reflection at a time, one value at a time. It may feel like a never-ending job, sometimes our own people are involved and we may get judgement about it, but we do not want to not hurt anybody and all this may leave you all by yourself but its worth it and it is a favor we are doing to ourselves, the community in large and to the newer generations by developing more acceptance. 

Only Love and Grace 💖

उस किसी की हसी में...

उस किसी की हसी में...
एक 'उसकी हसी' की झलक दिख गई।
उस किसी की, किसी बात पर...
हस पड़े हम भी ठहाके लगाकर,
पर चुपके से...

पर चुपके से...
आंखो में एक परत नमी की छा गई।

उस एक पल में...
दाई तरफ खड़े, वो कोई थे
बाई तरफ खड़े,
आंखो की नमी को छुपाए,
हम भी कोई और ही थे...


❣️

बचपन से ही हम बहुत लड़े

 बचपन से ही हम बहुत लड़े, इतना लड़े कि:

लड़ना एक स्वरूप बन गया,

एक जरूरत, एक जूनून, एक जरिया बन गया।

हर मकसद को 'लड़ कर’ पाना एक सच बन गया।

एक वक्त ऐसा आया जब एक लड़ाई हम बाहर लड़ रहे 

तो एक अपने मन में

फर्क इस बार सिर्फ इतना था कि – दोनो की दिशाएं अलग थी

इस दो तरफा द्वंध में हम सिर्फ दिन काट रहे थे।

फिर, एक पड़ाव ऐसा आया - 

हमारे लिए लड़ाई लड़ने का अर्थ ही खो गया,

लगा जैसे हम अपने–आप से पूछ रहें हो कब तक और किस के लिए?

शायद सही–गलत की गुत्थी में उलझे रहे...

या फिर ' ऊपर' वाले का हिसाब है, समझकर आगे बड़ गए।

नया तजुर्बा था, जिंदगी का!

वक्त लगा इसे अपनाने में...

उस लड़ाकू–पन के खामोश हो जाने में

उस सन्नाटे के अंधेरो में,

पर एक अजीब सा सुकून था ‘इस बात को अपनाने में’

बचपन से ही हम बहुत लड़े, इतना लड़े कि:

लड़ना एक स्वरूप बन गया...

लड़ाई छूट गई पर सिसकियां रह गई, यादें बन के।

कलम का सहारा लेते हैं

कलम का सहारा लेते हैं

जब जज्बात के बांध टूट जाते हैं!

जब अंतर मन में भावनाओं के सैलाब बहते हैं,

एक तरफ किशोर के नगमे तो,

 एक तरफ अपने ही लोगों के गम थे

हाथों से तालिया बज रही थी

पर आँखे नम थी...

उन गीतों से नहीं,

पर किसी अपने के; दबे आंसुओं की चीखों से.

जिंदगी को सर्कस बोलूं या

बहता पानी?

महफिल बोलूं या

एक अनसुलझी कहानी?

कभी खोजते रिश्ते के पैमाने

कभी बस 'साथ चलते' दो दीवाने

माना - खिलते हैं गुल यहाँ 

खिल के बिछुड़ ने को...

--

(Happy Birthday Kishor Kumar #Khandwa🎂 - #Prestige Shrihari Khoday Evening show <3, Happy Friendship's day<3,  Pushya Nakshatra/ Hariyali Amavasya 🙏 -Got a chance to plant four trees, Planted 5 soapnut seeds as a experiment)