Sitting by the beach, in the early morning hours, I checked in with my feelings and, like the nature of the sea to throw unwanted garbage back at that shore, my being threw up a lot of unwanted thoughts, anxiety, feelings, worries, etc. Impressively, the new knowledge equipped me with making peace with myself and just observing it all without engaging or judging. Soon, I began to feel at ease, settled.
Then, like the rope at the tail end of a fisherman’s net that is thrown into the sea and the fisherman is pulled in towards it, I was internally drawn to a childhood belief, or let’s call it a thought or maybe curiosity—I wanted to know Life. Yes, however absurd it may sound, it was the anchor of my life.
In fact, I also prayed to God to handhold me and send me someone to guide me through life’s experiences. I don’t know where the thought came from, but possibly it was also the deep-rooted, unexplained fear that I lived with—fear of being loved, fear of being given away after marriage, of abandonment from parents, of different stages of a girl’s or woman’s life, of exams, of not being good enough, etc., etc.
All those flashback memories and the beach naturally pushed me to tap into my creative side, and I started to pick up the sea shells in and around my reach, at a hand’s distance, and began to put them together in a sort of “tapestry.” As I began, one or the other thought was unfolding and was associated with life.
I began with a promise to myself that I would take each shell as it came and would not trade it with another in my limitedness of “that which looks better.” I started placing them in a circular form with the thought of life coming full circle, and as I continued to expand it outwards, I got few tiny shells, few comparatively large, few broken ones, few which were not the usual shape, some were beautifully balanced in colors and patterns, whereas few were faded ones, and a few were exceptional, meaning they were either too elongated to fit the tapestry, but I had to go with my promise and I continued to add them to what was emerging. And I embraced each one with the same wonder, love, thought, and appreciation. There were times I had this thought of disapproval, disappointment, or even worry that the whole thing would go for a toss with one so-called bad shell, but I continued in my awareness of my limitations.
A few times, a couple of shells fell from my hand and were placed directly into the design, which was totally unplanned, whereas at times I ended up picking up the broken pieces, which so beautifully matched with the other broken ends of a shell and complemented it. Some shell findings came as a huge surprise and felt too overwhelming to even accept as it overwhelmed me, and some were too tiny but existed, and that’s what I was practicing—to purely “adore.”
The design took the shape of a circle, and then, at a point, I started to close the last layer at the edge and thought that’s when the end is closer and my needs are limited, but still, I stuck closer to my promise and was blessed with a jackpot! A bulk of shells at a spot, and they were all so beautiful. But again, when I thought it was all over and time to retire, my curiosity was at its peak and I found a few more shells that were more like bonus :).
At one point, I paused and appreciated what I could experience in this whole time and called it a closure. Though the whole experience could appear foolish or illogical, to me it was a life’s lesson, and the sea was at its best to coach me in its humble way, in its patience, and in its love.
And I was walked through a lesson hand-in-hand.
Jai Hind, Jai Bharat!
🇮🇳 Vandematram 🙏
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