A Promised End

I forgot it was a promised end—similar to death! But, like a five-year-old, I continued to indulge in hope, to the game of sand.

The only difference is: death commands seizure of mind, body, and soul. Whereas, surrender to a "promised end" rips one off—the trust, the sanity, the balance, and the individuality—as a whole.

Re-surfacing dark memories of the experience consumes me... And, I find myself searching for answers! What did I do to deserve it? And why was I left to figure it all on my own, at all levels—of character, commitment, loyalty, and the heaviest of it all—being a girl?

Not all was lost until I continued to dwell deeper in my deepest truths and patterns. But then, the human in me asked: was it karma? If the lingering pain is that of denial of the occurrence or baggage of hope?

I find myself loathing in the asks: if the words and care were employed to lure me? Or did I make a mistake to trust the words over actions?    Can I even let this go down my life's timeline, or will I continue to put up with such futile efforts?

There are days that feel free from all these... But then, there are days when I am pulled back into the dungeon hole. When pain of each Nirbhaya's is all felt alike. When a memory of "so-called love" turns into a questionable remark. When even the dreams at night become vortexes of nightmares...

And I go back dismantling it all... including the words told to me: "don't think that it was your fault or you did anything wrong!"

I feel ashamed of myself to even think it this way, for I had staked my all and held "us" in highest regard. But probably, I missed the subtle hints... Or that I am being punished for requesting a closure.

But I am hopeful, someday it will all make sense, and I will not rot. Because, my feelings weren't fake, my emotions weren't a lie, nor was I anticipating this humiliation.

A part of me is in despair, not for any of the above! But for the knowing that - to let go, a part of me will have to die and it will die. Along with troubled memories, one that are dear to me will be incinerated too.

I would retire in the belief that this will liberate you from me... And myself, from the angst. I would console myself with: probably I wasn't meant to be, the way I had begun to perceive me...                          I will seek strength and wisdom to continue with my life to be, but never for the memories and feelings to interfere with me.

From now to the unstated,

A Promised 'End'

(Dated aug 14 - aug 20, 2024)

After this long period of marination with the deep emotions and posting it on my blog, I wonder and feel amused with myself that - how can someone be such a ball of emotions. Is there something so off with me or am I normal 🙈🐒. Well...it was God's choice to send me here ...