Oh! Beautiful Sun🌞

I tried hard to catch a glimpse, to click one pic for myself, by peeping hard thru the tall oak trees, thru the high-rise concrete jungle, amidst the hide and seek of metro pillars, passing by or the parallel moving traffic....all while sitting inside my office cab.

(Feeling - ouch!)

And just when I thought I got that one shot I longed for, the clouds played funny and engulfed the massive bright sun...making me question myself - 'was the sun even there? Or was I day dreaming? Or did the car change it's course?. To me atleast the car  appeared to be moving northwards, thru and thru...

Then, at a perspective, I looked up at the vast clear sky, lit like as if there has been smoke and fire but not a wild one...a softer warm one like that of winter mornings...

The tall buildings created a vivid contrast against the bright sky making the view more mystical with an emotion of celebration.

I could take a few snaps from inside of the moving car but when I actually checked the photo gallery, I smiled at myself and told the sun...I lost it, you won this game.

Remembering that chase is not that leads to a win, but staying put, may...

And I waited for that perfect moment where the traffic light would turn red, without any clutter of other lorries or heavy motor vehicle or any of those tall hefty metro pillars, blocking my view. The wait was too long and I gave up.

Onto my left, at a height, the sun's reflection on those tall glass buildings was moving as effortlessly as any fluid which was on the same course as ours, morphing its appearance from that of a bright orange-yellow disc with blurred edges, to that of a folded paper circle, stuck at a elevated edge of those buildings, to somewhat like pieces of a pie arranged in a circle with one piece missing or shining with such luminous energy that the illusion (reflection) turned into a delusion. It was a mesmerizing sight and I told sun - I know you are still in the game, nudging me with your static yet moving presence.

Amidst all this, I found myself switching between my blog window and the open camera window, on my phone. With the twist and turns on the drive way, I was constantly reminded of the bright sun's direction and presence, those bright rays shifting and falling with its warm presence - either from back glass sheild of the car onto my shoulders then changing directions as we move, taking a quick stop on my lap, to appearing between my fingers and spread around the palm where I held my phone while I was typing. It then moved to my forehead to plant a warm kiss and then completely gone missing.

Just then, the car ramped-up on a flyover and I was more confident now, as I would be able to end this chase with a delightful photo click but what I overlooked was -  time was ticking too, the sun that appeared like a soft woolen ball in the early morning hours of my drive to work was slowly and eventually turning to shine to it's full glory and the form I was chasing was my own limitations of perception.

At a point, the whole fun turned into a deeper and moving realisation and I rested my hands on my lap, sinking in to feel the feelings and look up and just breath. In that transitory moment, I see the car taking a slight curvy turn such that the sun shifted from that of the right window to the one on my left...it was a sweet meet and greet, without the need to chase or any back and forth of thoughts. Sun's momentary presence and shine fell on my face and the warmth filled my heart with a deep light-heartedness and I concluded the chase by continuing to move in the direction of my office :)

Embracing the 'in-between pause'

As we grow forward in our life... meaning as we age or we start to feel- we are!. We also realize the importance of social connections. Things such as mindless chit-chat, soaking up in the warm winter sun, non-stop hogging all day, cooking and hosting friends at home and also taking their help with the preparations, being very authentic and genuine self and offering all the love and care etc. Things which felt pass-time or meaningless, starts to feel more important, relevant and enriching.

And one such thing is (if one is still an employee), on a workday, taking time away. To take it slow, spend some meaningful time with a good friend or invest in a relationship to nurture self and be. Do things that connects us to our own individual selves.

Value and make space for a much required 'Pause' 

At my work place, as I deal with a limbo state where I do not know if me presenting the facts on a certain workload (which also meant commitment for an extreme level of context switching), will be addressed in a right light or will be decided differently. I find myself distant and unwilling or say being made to feel the trouble maker or possibly it's my overthinking consuming me.

And dealing with it since last three months has taken it's fair share of toll on my wellbeing I.e. sleeplessness due to stress which I din't know how to navigate and build a muscle against, the unfavorable voices in head etc. And after one final meet with a senior leader (a day back, presenting the complexity of that situation and the need that certain policies needs to be revisited; helped me unburden myself and a deep sense of relief was felt. Afterall, as a cautionary step, my mind was always engaged in the thoughts of what next and how and where....

Since, there is only this much in my hand, I decided I need to learn to focus on myself because work will eventually be taken care off. I am just one another headcount on the budgeting sheet. And I made a promise to myself to schedule 'Nothing time' and also a day in a few weeks to celebrate my uniqueness....my whole being.

Today being the start of this promiss, I had invited a friend for lunch, she happened to be my ex-colleague too and recently been on sabbatical from  corporate and is currently partnering with her husband on a startup and some research projects. From the time I went to pick her at the metro station, vegetable shopping to cooking, resting under the warm sun and munching the fresh season grapes, to deep talks,  journeys of our individual lives, funny conversations over evening ginger tea, Remembering childhood and the cultures we grew up in, aging parents, patience to what we want from life or to give in our current phases of life... It was deeply therapeutic.

Something, I am unable to recollect when was the last time that I engaged in such simple pleasures of life, such days where we flow with life with free flowing thoughts and being ourselves...

This was the first time she was visiting home and as soon as she entered, she complimented and acknowledged that she felt some very positive vibes and that filled my heart with deep sense of gratitude and comfort in the knowing.

We had also done some sankranti shopping i.e ellu-bella (white sesame and Jaggery combo), along with few other things like roasted peanuts, dry coconut, and some roasted grams...which is customary that every hindu household will exchange this as a mark of Hindu new year...and a gratitude to mother earth for the first harvest of the season and all the bounty.

At that mark, towards the evening we wrapped our day,  bid byes untill we meet again. 

After she left, I realised how important it is for us to connect, build relationships, build that space to accept eachother with our flaws and leave that in the past, move forward, take a break from all the roles that we are playing - willingly or per our fate i.e a worker, a mom, a wife, a daughter or a son, friend etc and this post is dedicated to those moments of mindless indulgence and celebrating the social circles and us.