A bond we share.

 

Just us.

Tears and clouds

Mine and theirs 

We converse.

First, as naive,

Then in stares of similarities.

We pause.

To catch a gaze,

To lit a bit of heart's space.

No words.

Just, strong string of emotions,

Radiance amidst the darkness.

Emerging stars.

 One with a Halo, amidst the cloudy sky,

Another, with a twinkle in her eye.

✍️💖🎑

Being heard & acknowledged

 

Not a complaint in anyway, but peace after going thru a state of un-awareness to self-awareness to denial about the fact, experiencing internal conflict at every step, hurt from exteriors to that self-imposed ones for not being able to respectfully allow acceptance ...those questioning  times about how such a bond can be evaluated as hurtful or damaging... it's so hard, especially with deeper eternal wiring of ethics, respect and what you see normal from societal point of view.

In many ways, I have come a long way, the many battles, sometimes all at ones or prolonged greif but I was looked after well, I was loved and  cared for, respected in the worst of my days when I would have had the most dark side of me surfacing.

I am deeply grateful for this life force within and for all that came as blessings in my life.

🙏💝💕

Love 24x7

On my way back from office, I saw an automobile service centre signboard and right next to it - a big rectangular signboard with red colored boxed letters saying "Emergency 24 x 7", yes, it was an electric signboard outside a hospital.

A thought instantly crossed my mind...

Can there be a possibility of "Love  24 x 7"?  Then possibly we will never call anything as "emergency 24 x 7", Can anyone guarantee the other to make them feel loved all the time? Or let's say the one receiving love, Can they feel it 24 x 7? 

I know this sounds unrealistic for many but why is it that I get such thoughts and I totally believe in them (even though I cannot myself promise to be all loving all the time 😅). 

And I am well aware of my feelings of deprived of Vitamin Love, a lot many times! And a part of me who just wants to be there in the childhood and not feel intimidated by the world of grown-ups.

-- (after a gap of 60 mins)

I shed some tears while on the phone speaking with a friend and asked where have I got lost? What happened to me? I was joy and love but today it all feels like an effort... why? Why is it that I am feeling suffocated...what is it that I am seeking? what should I change and how can I help myself?

To this vulnerable conversation, I was told,

 - " try and live in the here and now. Find joy in simplest of events, don't get overwhelmed by thinking the wholistic picture of life all at one time...don't get scared by it.

Know that we all will shed a bit of us as we near the end of our life's journey but knowing that that's the beauty and ease of life and we still are in our 'now'! so be greatful, we still have that now...

-- 

I know I am feeling overwhelmed with work timelines, my upcoming travels, mom and aunty's travel the limited time am left with and everything in between... I guess I will just Hug myself real right 🫂💖✍️💕

Language of love...

 Today, at one point I asked myself, At what point  (if) have I felt the expression of love from Mom or One that I yearn for? say that it benchmarks what my being seeks.

And all I remembered was Love that flows naturally or rather pours effortlessly for animal's

I had felt her aura then, once with fishes at a restaurant, with birds,  Dogs and even this encounter with monkeys at Lepakshi temple... how that cranky being was able to surrender to her deep love.

And there I am... could only be small trace of what she holds in her heart...

(A pic only Mom can take 💖).

(Somedays I feel I am oversharing here, I then get concious, panick and  then over think. But then something in my heart would say... everything is temporary and who knows when my life is done and I am gone....in a fraction of a second and all that is left is just these words...or even these would go away, because it all matters to me and for me, only me. isn't it?)

Simplest pleasures ☕

 

Yup! Making my own tea :)

Nothing new about it but a few days back when recalling what brings me Joy... Brewing tea was one of the tasks on list.

Why was this particular tea special to me? Because, I was aware and present in that moment that I was creating for myself. A simple moment filled with life from thoughts, self awareness, love and nurturing.

Also because, for these few hours, I was all by myself (after a longtime), making my own tea, just doing nothing (probably) but letting thoughts flow, and it was a perfect closure to a Sunday evening 💖✍️🙏 

My today...

In the last few days, I reached a space where I didn't want to write anything or anymore, I would have this desire and many thoughts but soon it will die down. Probably, the experiences I was going thru, were broadly scattered on the spectrum of human emotions and were too frequent.

And I somewhere lost that ability to pace-up and weave them thru words.

Broadly I experienced, deep longing, Anger, grief, sadness, withdrawn, elated, peaceful, mesmerized, rushed, pained and a minimal traced of ease too.

Longing for that shared space with that special someone where I was more of me and the experience was mutual and deeply respectful.

Anger when I was mistreated by my own folks (which is usual and casual for them, probably.  May be it wasn't ever intentional or not even that they were self aware...).

Grief with memories of the past and struggle to let go or drop.

Sadness when I couldn't be in the Now and was either busy planning the next or grieving the last.

Withdrawn when the hurt nudged the wounded and unhealed nooks of my being.

Elated when I took decisions and prioritised ease and eventually it all turned out so well. (Green Amman temple and Chidambaram Temple with Mom and her friend 💖)

Peaceful when I could see feelings shifting, we respecting our individual spaces and finding or creating new ones.

Mesmerized with the blessings bestowed on me in many ways known and unknown to me.

Rushed when the days began to feel normal but also holidays getting shorter, on one hand, a trip coming to closure where as another begins and it continue in loop till the rest of this year. 

I felt rushed at times where I took the responsibility to look after the other and to plan ahead, with trying to balance the inner being and the exterior one, when struggling to find that mental space to paint or read. Art submerges me into an ease and probably that is something I am depriving of myself and do not feel worthy to invest in....(Sorry Tan).

Pained to allow myself that insight of what parents would have struggled with or would have experienced for me to bring me up (after watching some insta post that says do not hurt your mother ...not with your Anger, nor with your silences..etc). And that unbearable anger that I sometimes feel due to unresolved traces of trauma...(Sorry Maa😔💔). I wish I would have known you better and wish of your journey could have been smoother while I was growing up..

Ease at last seeing Mom letting herself loose, smile, laugh, share like normal parents of a being 🙏💖 (deeply greatful to God for this. And I am aware this may be momentary but for now all I want is that I hold on to this memory in my heart).

Laughter when Mom and Aunty got lost in the tiny lane and in their attempt to find some familiarity...on call they asked if I can see a water tank 😀 and later when we entered a veg restaurant for dinner, by mistake aunty broke a ceramic plate which slided off the table when she took her handbag. 

Bliss - Live singing of Sathiya ye tune kya kiya song and pehla nasha in Tamil and Hindi combination....what a voice! The best part...the timing of this song when I am about to leave the city and in the quietness of the guest house balcony I can hear this song as if it is being sung from above the sky, for me.💖💕

(View from balcony of the guest house. Room C8)

Any we boarded the train laughing again as they both were dilly-dallying and came at their own pace without even knowing which train to board, what coach or seat number!! 😂 

Feeling of 'not-being safe'

A short walk in these wet lanes, roads that are covered with various flowers and having mini puddles  at the bevelled and  curvy edges on either sides of it. 

I had stepped out for a morning ginger chai and  returned back to the guest house. 

Laying here in my room, twisting and turning on the bed for almost an hour... from some deeper level of consciousness, I was forced to pause and do a simple check-in with self, what my body is experiencing, what signals am I getting, my feelings etc

One by one I started to observe, my eyes were feeling tired and were poppy (when I saw them in mirror), though I was experiencing peace in my immediate surroundings, my heart was vigilant.

I thought inner child affirmations might help and turned them on on YouTube. Slowly, yet deeply the words were sinking-in, and at one point I knew what I was going thru....

A feeling of "not-being safe". And I clearly knew that this wasn't from any place or anyone but presence of Mom around on this trip with me. She is a kind hearted person but while she entered into her motherhood journey, her ecosystem was possibly not as safe or comfortable and her whole being turned out differently, especially for her kids and husband. 

And me, growing up in that environment crumpled as an individual, completely forgetting the importance and need for an identity as a 'self'. My innocent childhood was hooked to safeguard herself against the harshness of wounding words, threatening stares, anger, what if something goes wrong, of failing my parents etc.

And today, fast fwd. ~37 years, the palpitations says it all, the uneasiness that I struggled to leave behind says it all. It's not easy...

But I am glad for this elevated space of awareness and knowledge, of tools and resources to change the course...one breath at a time, one conversation (with innerchild) at a time, one forgiving thought at a time, one loving smile at a time, one deliberate attempt at a time -to nurture the self and indulge in all that brings Joy.

(Click from my walk today. Loved those tiny droplets, brighten by the rising morning sun. Those droplets carried and were vibing with vibrant joyous energy)

(This pouring of words here, was one such attempt and none to hurt or condemned anyone, not even in the tiniest corner of my heart)

A heartfelt...

Drafts after drafts, some half written & deleted whereas some still in thoughts...

And atlast, I found what my heart was seeking - an inspiration that is irresistible...

Where 'I', my or "mine" diminished and 'hers'💖🙏🦋 surfaced ...

...Smile.

- a token of love... The lotus flower from Vinayaka temple.

- meeting my tiny friend, Baby Swati.

- Sea Shell I found at the walkway and returned, a genius forgiveness for the shell I promised to return and forgot that at home 

- Nap next to the beach and under the Twilight sky.

- those moments of connecting with the self .

- Ratan ji Tata's legacy 🙏Rip sir 💖।

नाट्य- कला का समय हो गया...

चोट खाकर फिर गिरती हूं,

गिरकर, फिर उठती हूं,

कभी चोट की चुभन को सहती हूं,

तो कभी, उसे भी अपने हाल पे छोड़ देती हूं।

जितना इन सब से डरती थी...

आज कोई न कोई लम्हा उन से गुजर कर,

फिर आगे को चल पड़ती हूं।

पर हां, बस चलती रहती हूं।

रात के एकांत में,

बहुत दफा, इन चुने हुए चंद लम्हों के सुकून में,

बहने देती हूं, हर उस भावनाओं को जो 

शायद दिन के उजाले में,  मुझे कमज़ोर कर देती।

महफूज रहने की आदत जो थी मुझे!

अपनों के साएं में, 

सुरक्षित' उनकी दुआओं में,

घर वालों से सजे घरोंदो में।

जब वक्त आया,

डगमगाते, लड़खड़ाते उन अपनों का सहारा बनने का,

मानो जैसे बोझल होगया, बचपन मेरा।

अभी- अभी तो समझ आ रही थी - जिंदगी, और खुद को, खुद भी!

कि जैसे अचानक, 

मेरी जिंदगी के मंच का परदा उठ गया।

चलो, नाट्य- कला का समय हो गया...🎭

Beneath the surface

Scattered like a fierce rain,

My emotions and feelings, in every vein.

Call it fickle or transient, the encounters with one I refrained!

Tyrant, like a fierce rain,

Washing off' the calm demeanor and surfacing the wrath 

My emotions and feelings, in every vein.

Psyche with layers of absolute strangeness, 

Unfurling every day, 

A new identity in every way!

Overwhelmed, I return to the blank paper 

Decorating  thoughts like a 'metaphor' 

Just like how earth would embrace each season

And finally get to experience rains...

One welcomes healing...

Those girly stuff...

 

... then I ask Mother earth, 

can I just be me?

can I seek inspiration from her

..find solace,

Find hope and 

Find me ...

in her lap ✍️💕

Main Pal Do Pal Ka Shair Hoon...

I was in the kitchen, baking a millet chapati which has a specific way in which it has to be cooked on a hot pan, by softly pressing them at the edges, using a soft cotton cloth folded in a shape of a bun with its even surface landing at the upper surface of the chapati.

In the background, was a song playing on Alexa - 

"मैं पल दो पल का शाइ'र हूँ पल दो पल मिरी कहानी है

पल दो पल मेरी हस्ती है पल दो पल मिरी जवानी है

मुझ से पहले कितने शाइ'र आए और आ कर चले गए

कुछ आहें भर कर लौट गए कुछ नग़्मे गा कर चले गए

वो भी इक पल का क़िस्सा थे मैं भी इक पल का क़िस्सा हूँ

कल तुम से जुदा हो जाऊँगा गो आज तुम्हारा हिस्सा हूँ*

पल दो पल में कुछ कह पाया इतनी ही सआ'दत काफ़ी है

पल दो पल तुम ने मुझ को सुना इतनी ही इनायत काफ़ी है

कल और आएँगे नग़्मों की खिलती कलियाँ चुनने वाले

मुझ से बेहतर कहने वाले तुम से बेहतर सुनने वाले "  ......

and a specific *line nudged my heart, made me feel that song even more deeper and see it's deeper essence as a event on my journey of life too.

My chain of thoughts was broken by my mom's presence, she coming on to my left side, towards the kitchen sync and washing some vessel that was in her hand. 

I noticed, this was the third time she was washing one vessel at a time and I pointed it to her that this wastes a lot of water and why do you do that?, I have told you to keep it all stacked and I will clean them. 

Thats all! and she got explosive and remarked that I treat her like her servant, that I do not respect my own parents, that I am always against her and keep taunting her over and over for every small things, that may be she is less educated than me and probably that is what I consider as an upper edge from that of her experiences, sacrifices. She said, I have had good last one month and do not want any arguments for last few days. 

I was taking all those words with a calm demeanour so far, and questioned each one and clarified specifically the one on - Servant treatment and said I do not even think such thoughts rather she needs to look deeper where is it coming from and not blame me or her kids with such baseless blames. 

I left kitchen and got back to my work desk which is what I have been doing since I have left home at an early age.

Sitting here, pouring my heart out, to make peace within, find solace, find self and may be some hope or may be NOT! Give it all up, any which ways it is what it is and what greatness I am aspiring for? and for or from whom? 

The funny part is when these thoughts find an expression as words, here or on a paper, it haunts me deeper, Tears that I thought have got matured and wouldn't make me feel ashamed of myself start to pour like a overflowing dam. Each feeling becomes a sharp knife that stabs me at the same wound over an over.  It feels like every day is extremely uncertainty and why not! may be that is the way God wishes me to be...

How momentary life is! just yesterday I was so thrilled, full of life and all it took was few words to crush me down completely, breakdown into tears and wonder what did I do wrong?

I was told, I have been living on my terms and never bothered to agree to parents (probably a attack my choices of people or relationship I chose); yes that true, I did it because I was little, suffocating, had to go toward life because that's what my natural instinct called me towards,...not to harm anyone or badmouth anyone and not even seek anything from anyone  because eventually I am and will turn out to be the one as the black sheep.

Anyways,  मैं पल दो पल का शाइ'र हूँ पल दो पल मिरी कहानी है

पल दो पल मेरी हस्ती है पल दो पल मिरी जवानी है....

(I am grateful that I have this space as mine, to shed some tears and feel lighter, to not be dependent over a place, people or event to fix me or my emotions, to take support of words to feel alive and let it all go...that which burdens me, to be able to continue with work, life with people who make me feel home....)

Blessing of having old friendships & connections

Deeply greatful for such an energizing day! A super packed workday, topped by an afternoon with an old colleague and a dear friend, followed by meeting the funds advisor/ friend :)

I am amazed how I travelled a whole circle from that of south to the north of BLR and back, just to get from home to office to the meeting place to another cafe and back to the street cafe and then to MG road and then to metro 😆.

But, none of that mattered infact me feeling so energized to even write this! In wee hours i.e. 11.16pm, speaks for itself. 

I feel as if I not even registered anything about traffic, pollution, honking, the journey I made in metro, changing the trains from one route to another (one of the most dreaded part for me, that too at a peak rush hour), standing all thru the journey due to unavailability of seat or rather I was so deeply happy in my head, thoughts😊....after a long time...and I am greatful.

Those talks, sharing about work, hardships, growth, lessons, behaviours, laughter + the pressing need to pack all those stuff to discuss in that short span of time....ha ha ha was madness overloaded.

Building new connections, reviewing the portfolio understanding new terms reflecting upon them was a fulfilling day. 

(And some photography)

Also, the blessings and grace of God, the minimal financial support I could lend to the needy, in times of crises made me feel more grounded, not because I am able to boast about it or wanted to, but because, I am able to understand my own emotions and relationships with money better and I am able to reflect on opportunities to be more of service than a hoarder which I had started to think and belive for myself. I am loving myself a .1% more today :)🙏

thank you God 🙏✍️💖

Art is forgiving

💕 Love you T!

A sight to capture in ❤️

So yes, at last,there was a smile....seems after the park visit - walk & workout, Mom was calmer and was open to talk calmly....no, no discussion about our argument from this morning but general about dinner etc.

We had our dinner in the open varandah. I later cleared the table and did the chores. 

After completing, I was stepping out from the main door, towards balcony, the evening sky shone bright burning yellow and with lights off (as we were both sitting in the balcony), the door looked more like a giant frame capturing the mesmerizing sight of the turmeric yellow sky! It filled my heart with warmth.

In the balcony, I pulled a chair back up to sit and my attention was drawn to something moving in foreground of the yellowish pink sky, and it was hard to locate it clearly without staring hard. The motion was at a distance of may be just 20 feet from where I stood, and it was  moving from north to south...

My heart skipped a beat when I realised it was  siege (a group of white herons)! Somehow, I have always associated this sign of spotting a heron in the sky as a sign and reassurance from the supreme energy above...that I am loved and the group conveyed much more love... Than my heart could take or feel.

My excitement was speaking for itself and instinctively I gestured towards mom and asked her to see up towards the sky... Which she did for a brief second and went back to starting her phone, the endless reels. For a second that nudged me a bit and I felt foolish of myself (may be, in my head, the past played again...it said what childish behaviour is that!) but the love I felt from that flight was more powerful.

My being bathed in gratitude. My eyes followed the magistic herons, till I could distinguish them in their flight against the greying sky...

Love flying so close stole my heart 💜🪽 

Thank you God for looking after me and comforting me in most unexpected ways. Love you 🫂💕🙏

Ephemeral Delight

Yup! It is, what it is!. I am living one day at a time but with thousands emotions and feelings. I din't want to jot things down, definately not here! 

I just wanted to soak it up all in, gather some courage to reflect on each of them, as much as I can, understand Body's way of communicating to me...take trips to childhood and pull back the one emotionally suppressed and sabotaged one and stand with her...

I choose to get on to embroidery and complete the pending wildflower flower part that was drawn on the crown of letter 'R', a creative gesture to also tell myself - Girl, you are a queen. You are capable, blessed, loved & lovable. 

I forced myself to focus on each needle stroke and to make sure that the final out come is nothing like my emotions, rather something that lies deep within; a serene heart, that I have had the luck to experience once in a while.

I succeeded in completing one petal of the flower but I was struggling within, unable to break the silent treatment to self and her.... may be that wasn't intentional but the hurt weighed me down, my confidence to even engage. 

I was denied that I could get hurt deeply and get wounded. 

It all started right at the time of my waking up and the door banged for which I called it out (a bit rudely), this was the nth time I was pointing it out after requesting her to be easy and slowly shut the door and not bang it, afterall I am in a rented space and for now, I feel responsible to keep it in as good condition as much I can and definitely not damage it. 

The reaction was as expected - explosiveness with words of shame and ignored.

I had to pull up all my energy to not feel the hurt, breakdown or let anger takeover...I burned deeply within. All I know was to somehow distract myself and get busy with some tapping exercises.

I felt better for a while after exercise, but my appetite died, I skipped breakfast and got busy clearing the house...more so as I am cleaning a piece of my heart that has lost it's lightness and layered with tar of hurt, pain, neglect and betrayal. I took shower but I don't even remember when and how long... probably I was still consumed by my feelings and hurt.

And that feeling, topped with awareness of loosing precious moments of life, such precious time which could have been lived differently to make more happy memories was all lost or atleast I know I failed terribly and gave up. I know, I have avoided long to tell myself that I have lost it all and I am broken deep within. 

The worst is, at such times, all hell break loose and the intensity of hurt magnifies as it recollects the past... ill treatment from others that I allowed, the missed memories from a childhood that could have been mine, a chance missed - a space that gets nurtured in someone's psyche from a healthy mother's love....all without any control or concent from me.

After another hour of self loathing in my emotional tornado, I went to the terrace to attend to a part of my daily chores, to wash clothes. Being under the sky was liberating. It was my safe and trusted space. 

I turned on a YouTube video from the channel - "the wholistic psychologist" about how to get out of freeze mode, how to not be reactive... Her words made deep sense and just the knowing that someone understands, helps a lot to hold the ground strong and hang in there. To accept and work on self, even if it feels as though there is no end to it all and atleast this birth may not be sufficient...

Today is also Mahalaya Amavasya...an ocassion considered to be auspicious and to remember the ancestors. I only had one wish and question, pls help me sustain this birth and take me away from this all and if I am the choosen one to break the cycle and reparent myself, allow me, empower me 💔🙏✍️

I never knew that knowledge could be so painful yet it fails when in combat with desires and emotions. One dies a thousand deaths when a desire to seek the love and nurturing shoots up but the other one is just not what you expected them to be...

I wept, my moist eyes and running nose - red, breath heavy and throat chocked. Earlier I also has a brief episode of me experiencing trembling in my knees and calf muscle ... probably a childhood wiring of insecurity, fear.

Donno why I am remembering a quote that I read sometime back...sometimes God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.

Books

The day had been hectic & productive (only with meetings) and engaging in talks about work life, finance best practices, how demographically  psychology of money differs etc.

The task list was there on my book, as it and for a change I am ok with it because any which ways I wonder what work am I doing...is there any meaning to it?. Well, I am busy planning a day trip with Mom for coming Saturday, to a nearby farms.

Our evening was peaceful, we had early dinner together, rode to visit a nearby temple and attended evening prayers, brought some embroidery threads for a project that I made mom complete for me :) (yes, creative ways to keep her engaged :p). 

Just before she was about to sleep and I was done with my last call from office, I offered her a foot massage and said you will get a professional experience 😅. Just 10 mins into the massage, I could hear her snoring... Witnessing this simple thing gave me so much peace and joy. Seeing her getting into effortless sleep...is a true blessing🤞 and somewhere deep within, probably I had this motherly love pouring out for her, that soul.

Well, I started this post thinking I will keep it simple, short and sweet, just add two pics of the books that I had just downloaded. One that made me literally laugh my heart out and also know that someone with similar default settings (by birth) of crackpots events exists!

The second captured my attention with it's preface. Second one, I have read only few pages but heard a lot of good reviews...so let's see where it takes me.

..but my heart wanted to add some random details from my peaceful day too :)

Anyways,

Happy reading, Ruu ✍️💖