Finally! I was so immersed in my day, today; that I feel lighter at heart, at peace with myself and in-spite of sleepy eyes and tiredness, I want to spend these few moments to acknowledge what efforts I took to trace my happy day :)
But first, yes, I woke-up with anxiety, palpitation and deep fear of her presence and struggled hard to let go and just be. Definately there wasn't any trigger but I was worried, I was on auto pilot experiential journey from my subconscious mind and those memories of feelings from childhood.
The first thing I did was helped aunty in the kitchen as she had plans to visit temple at 8 am and had a lot of pending stuff to close before that. I then took charge of Breakfast and made all the prep for Indori-Poha (Flattened rice), there was just me and her and the eldest uncle around (we three are the ones usually wake-up early).
Afterwards, I made a mental note of my day's schedule and the image of my Diwali Holiday bucket list popped-up.
From last evening, I very well remembered that mom just shoo-ed away my suggestion for online training for stretch-band exercises and I was a bit low on courage or confidence and felt a bit at unease. Yes, such tiny stuffs at days nudges me and I am sensitive to the tone of words being used to convey a message.
Let's dive into how the course shifted for my day towards a more rewarding and meaningful time:
2. My wishlist continued and they allowed me my creative space. I held on to it like a baby monkey to it's mom. I started with prep for the warli painting on the fkakey and faded walls, once being ignored. Then, I also scheduled my time in such a way. that I would add two of my office meetings in-between. I am super proud for all that and how the day turned out to be.
3. I took baby steps towards convincing mom and others about why daily stretch exercise are important and ordered a few equipments for all elderly at home + my desired book "Folktales from india, by A.K. Ramajunam. ๐ ! Stories helps me stay sane and nurtures my soul
4. I also met my childhood friend and just those few moments were so reviving.
5. Highlights of blissful day and now heading to my ๐
The festivities begins....the heart feels elated... A revived view of life and trust on it gets kindled...
Seeing the enthusiasm of street vendors and deep hope when they start the day....There is so much that my heart reads and so little my mind helps me jott. Hence, the pictures
On my way to the airport, I was clearing some spam emails and came across this one with title ' Why Was I Quiet For 2 Months?" And I knew, I had noticed the author's absence but never bothered. And this email title grabbed my attention and After reading it, I am bummed, something deep has been nudged, yet I feel elevated at heart's level as this knowledge come to me in wee hours of early morning and completely unexpected!
I am copying the email below (with due credits to the writer, healer Ehsun Anwar):
Here’s Why I Went Quiet On Social Media For 2 Months, and what I learned about relationships
In short: I walked away from a 3-year long “situationship” (a close but confused bond with someone which isn’t given the official title of relationship, due to no agreed commitment). This situationship was the cause of much suffering for me. Or so it seemed.
Turns out the situationship was just a mirror of some deeply embedded trauma within me: the mother wound. Guess what happened after I healed much of my wound, and could therefore finally walk away?
I immediately ran into someone with whom I felt a deep feeling of truly wanting to be with, and began a real relationship. Every other romantic relationship in my life was bound by a sense of guilt (a trauma bond). I never connected with my heart’s yearning. It was always about pleasing them, though I didn’t realise this is what I was doing.
So for the first time ever, choosing someone purely because it feels right, has been enthralling. It also presented its own brand new challenges. So I decided to take a couple of months to heal, rest, and gain some clarity.
In this lifeletter I will share with you new wisdom that I learned in these 2 months. I hope you will take things from it that can improve your life also. I feel much freer, lighter, and have new empowering insights into relationships which have completely changed the way I see the world.
As you read through this, I encourage you to reflect on your own life and see whether there are any similarities in your own relationship or patterns.
The Pain Of Ignoring Intuition: Trauma is very sneaky
The key struggle for me was that I adored the girl with whom I had a 3 year long situationship. I felt incredibly physically attracted to her, and more importantly she had all the qualities of mind and heart that I wanted. Yet deep down something vital felt like it was missing.
Truth be told, in the very start, my intuition said “She’s not the one”. But my mind said “You would be crazy to throw this away, there must be something wrong with you if you don’t want to keep her. Just go for it”
The agony that unfolded over the next 3 years, was unbelievable. Though there was no disrespect or arguments between us, it felt like were both chasing a carrot that was dangling right in front of our faces. But we could never have the carrot.
We went to healing events together, read books about relationships, and tried to “figure it out” with everything that we had. We would get close, go through all the motions that a loving couple would, yet inside I kept feeling empty. She was deeply in love with me, so it broke her heart over and over. Whilst I was left feeling like a terrible person, with whom something must be wrong. I even developed skin rashes in the process due to stress.
What I learned here is that romantic love is something that is either there, or its not. You cannot force it. I thought that if I healed myself enough, I would finally fall in love with her. This very thought was the trauma. It had sneaked in through the backdoor and was running the show all along. I believe this is why many couples are “on and off” with each other for years, despite clear signs that it isn’t right.
How Trauma Runs You
As I said earlier, all my life I chose partners not because I truly wanted to be with them, but because something in me was driving me to be with them. “She’s a great person, go for it” would often be the rationale.
It turns out this was simply the need to “save them” by giving them the love they deserve. I was trauma bonding, without realising it.
This need to save them comes from an unmet childhood need that I carried my whole life: The need to save my mother.
From as young as 3 years of age I sensed in my mother a deep loneliness and anxiety. Though she was physically well provided for by my father, my intuitive senses clearly detected the pain she carried so silently. She carried it so well that even she did not realise she felt it; but I did.
The newer generation always senses things that the previous could not. This sensing initially hurts us a lot because parents typically deny our reality, it seems absurd or disrespectful to them. But this very struggle is also the seed for our evolution.
Like many other children, I carried a deep sense of failure because I could not take away my mother’s unhappiness. My identity merged with this feeling, and I unconsciously carried her pain with me. This is how seamlessly generational trauma is created.
So when I looked at women who I considered a potential life partner, without me knowing, I was looking through the filter of my childhood.
I was not looking for a woman with whom I felt a true calling to be with. But rather, a woman who I perceived as a victim, and who I knew carried deep sadness. It then became my mission to take her sadness away. Sensing a viable option to carry out this mission is what produced the powerful chemistry and pull. None of this happened consciously. It was experienced as excitement. That’s why trauma bonds are so tricky. They can be mistaken for real love. I feel that at least half of all people enter relationships based on trauma bonds.
My inner child was searching his whole life to finally rescue his mother through another woman.
It is a very innocent and even noble seeming intention. But a gravely mistaken one. A vital piece of wisdom here is that we must learn that we are not responsible for the happiness of anyone but ourselves.
Playing saviour for others may seem honourable on the surface, but secretly it is egoic.
It is about you trying to feel better about you. This is not love.
Others experience trauma bonds as looking for someone who abuses them in the same way their father did, or finding someone with whom you have to play caretaker for and who can’t pour back into you. There are inifnite ways in which trauma bonds play out. We look for ways to reincarnate our childhood conditions. But the essential common theme is this:
A persistent deep intuitive feeling remains that something is missing, though the logical mind can never say what this is. And, there is constant confusion or suffering of some sort. There is no lasting peace and feelings of shared love.
A Summary Of Lessons:
Seeing so clearly that my mother wound was running me, felt like a monumental victory. Before this, entering relationships would always trigger this enormous codependency and anxious attachment in me. I would lose my centre and obsess with the person. I hated that feeling.
But now, giving myself permission to be in a relationship without a sense of debt on my shoulders, actually felt too good to be true at first, as guilt and anxiety was all I had ever known.
“So you’re telling me I can do what I love all day, and not worry about my partner? You’re telling me we can just love each other without worry and obsessive thinking? WOAH :)”
The inner freedom I now feel in this relationship is absolutely magnificent. All of a sudden, relationships don’t feel like a big deal to me at all. I do not tie any conditions to it. How long it lasts is not as important as the quality and consciousness involved (sense of peace and mutual awareness) in it, which I feel is the most important factor in any relationship.
In our modern era, relationships are no longer a survival need. They are an exciting playground which offers us the valuable opportunity to deepen connection with a partner, share love and beautiful experiences, whilst also learning about our own hidden wounds. What a luxury!
I could go on, but I would like to leave a summary of what I learned for you instead:
Your intuition presents itself as a silent whisper often immediately, and is always correct. Your mind/trauma is the louder voice, the voice of reason which kicks in a few moments later. Listen to the first one if you want deep fulfilment
A romantic relationship bound by a sense that you “should” stay, or you “should” love the person, is a duty, not love. Duty creates misery and fatigue. But love creates joy and replenishes you. Duty comes from the mind, romantic love comes from somewhere deeper and is inexplainable
Relationships are not here to complete us, or make us happy. This way of thinking belongs to the survival mode of our ancestors, and is driven by the fear of death. In this energy, you will keep experiencing loneliness, heartbreak and resentment, because you are unconsciously expecting your partner to take away your childhood traumas and make you feel loved. Which is impossible. Only when you look at yourself as already complete, and learn to fill yourself with your own love, can you have a loving relationship.
You’re responsible for your own happiness, and they’re responsible for theirs. That is a lot of pressure gone
Now you are with someone not to meet your unmet needs (essentially trying to use them), but to share with them the love that you already are. There is a monumental difference between these 2 energies. The first one feels like need, fear, clinging, judgemental, potential to hate, and fear of loss. The second one feels light, expansive, infinitely compassionate, and has no fear of suffering.
Many relationships are bound by both real love, and a certain amount of trauma. Therefore they are not a trauma bond. These ones can be salvaged and made into a place of joy, trust and connection, if both partners are willing. But some relationships are bound mostly by trauma. As you heal your trauma, be prepared to walk away from what you thought was the right match for you
Healing is an exhausting and difficult process. To reach the deepest parts of yourself, you have to be able to silence the mind enough to go beyond the logical mind and into your subconscious mind, as well as the memory stored in the cells of your body. It is in these deeply hidden places that our wounds sit
This time of the year, it's time to go back home.
Off-late, I have been on and off with back to back travels, change of places & people context etc and I am feeling a bit disconnected with self and deplited within.
And, unlike many, travel to home does create a sense of unease and overwhelm too.
I asked myself - then, why do I go to home? Why do I well-being?
And the answer I get is - the home visit is crucial to my existence. There are those I love and I know in my heart that without them saying so, they do look forward to seeing me or other kids who are now remote or spending that time we get in between the busyness and distant lives of us all.
I do not have anything to give back to them except for my experiences, my stories of work and travel or connections, to bring a wave of fresh perspective to their static mundane life in which they are all growing-old.
A deeper truth is, All I have with me is my now with them and I know one day they all will be gone. The place I grew-up won't be the same anymore and then, all I will be left would be the walls eitched with memories of love, laughter, care and sharing.
Another thing is the touch with my own cultural practices (especially food) which I am loosing slowly as I do not find a purpose on my own to continue them or pass it to anyone around....so the best I can do it to soak-up and be the purpose (that is missing in my own life) to their celebration.
If I may ask, what aspect of home you feel called to?
- Lunch together in big one plate either with bade papa, Papa or ladies of the house and those loud laughters
- During those quiet afternoon, to smell the past and dwell into all that was lined-up for me in form of people, guidance, trust etc that lead upto to my 'today'
- Find small projects like cleaning an unattended corner, clearing old utensils and replacing with new ones and getting lost in the memories of people who are not there anymore or say find myself in those memories
- The slow-paced life and a sense of earthing that I feel when I am not triggered.
- attending visitors, keeping up with how we all change as humans, In our own relationships and that of when we have new add ons.
- Smallest and forgotten acts of kindness that we don't see in big cities eg. The first chapati always to be kept for cows, donation in form of one cup of wheat flour or oil when a begger is at doorsteps.
- Talking to plants. Helping in the kitchen with all the Diwali savouries
- Hogging on delicious Chulhe ka khana (Traditional stove made of mud, cow dung and fired using dry leaves and wooden sticks)
- Rekindling the selfless-love that dwells in the small towns, in lack of or presence of just enough means, in villages of India, in those folks who live by Mother earth and have surrendered their lives to her in her wellbeing and nurturing.
I am amazed at this list and this also reassures me that I can do well by focusing on all the above and not get bogged by any triggers that may happen. Because somewhere, another deeper belief for my own healing or ease is to go thru it and not avoid or run-away, rather learn to deal with it.
Love, grace and gratitude.
Thanks you God for being my inner strength and my light and for all the wisdom.
(✈️ Tomorrow at 5am)
Why is there a need to be understood?
Why is - I have to be according to how someone wants me to be?
At the SFO airport, while I was waiting for passengers to board, I started typing...
I'm a bit disoriented with jet lag (sleeplessness) and balancing my work role too, but it all adds to the craziness of my life.
I'm trying to combine two days into one post—a spectrum of laughter, madness, bliss, and a few moments of deep gratitude and happy tears.
Wednesday was a great day... oh wait.
I'm really not sure what kind of mess my mind is cooking up, with all the late-night calls, and the early morning rush to balance commutes, on-the-way vegetarian food at Madras Cafe, meetings scheduled at different campus buildings, and joyous bike rides. It seems like I only have one day's worth of data.
Some of the best parts of my day were meeting my first buddy, a day-long offsite with people of different ethnicities and cultural backgrounds, and the pool of knowledge each person had, yet they made everyone feel so heard and comfortable.
Meeting a bunch of other APAC team members felt like coming closer to home. After all, we had recently met in Singapore too. I was glad I brought gifts for them; my heart felt elated. Yup, I love to gift!
(Airplane mode 14.5 hours)
Day 2 of my journey...
Now boarded the next connecting flight to BLR.
Enjoyed my strong cardamom tea throughout the flight journey. ๐๐ Both ways.
The previous night, I had slept at 2 AM, knowing that the next day would also be an overdose of meetings and connections, data, and a late-night India call.
Well, let's take a quick peek into my last day of the trip.
The next day, I woke up at 8 AM, rushed to the breakfast place one last time, then to the office for an all-day summit with approximately 121 people from my role and wider business unit.
Each day, I felt so happy and proud of myself for all the planning that went into everything pre-travel and my choice of dresses. I was so looking forward to the days!
Each day, there was someone new I was meeting, heading to dinners, or bumping into teams at restaurants, cycling between buildings for meetings, etc. I loved it all. It felt like I was sent on a business trip to have fun (๐คซ shhh... ๐).
I attended the day-long summit until around 3:30 PM, spent some time networking with the broader group, and indulged in fun activities like decorating tote bags, screen printing t-shirts, arranging dry wildflowers, and a photo booth.
We all had such a blast at the photo booth, making fun of the newly introduced role profile that doesn't really help us grow. ๐คท♀️
I was a bit surprised to see all my fellow peers excited to indulge in these activities. I took some time to really let loose and just go with the flow. Eventually, I was happy, maybe, deep down, the only motivation I had was to carry a part of it all for my colleagues who couldn't come along.
Around 4:15 PM, a colleague suggested we leave to beat the traffic. It's so funny how different countries experience traffic, and I can bet no one can beat India or Bangalore for that matter!
Many visitors to India express their astonishment at how drivers ride so close to each other on Indian roads, and it freaks them out. ๐
Well, we had a senior leadership team dinner, and in between, my colleague and I went to my stay apartment to keep my bag pack and rest a bit. I didn't have much to offer her, but I remembered the mint leaves in the fridge. Since I had a good amount, I invited everyone who wanted to come over for tea.
One of my peers joined us. We took a quick tour of the property, I prepared mint tea with the limited cutlery I had, and asked them to make themselves comfortable and feel at home. ๐
I felt so happy and thanked God in my heart for such tiny moments of life, just a gathering to chat, laugh, and share different cultural experiences.
Both of those colleagues were so grateful for the hospitality, and I told them their visit made me feel at home, away from home.
The US can start to feel pretty isolating, especially if you're from India where people are everywhere.
Around 5:30 PM, we started back for the dinner venue, which was hardly a 10-minute drive. While looking for parking on the busy road, we were guided to a space called "orange car spaces parking" and next to it was "pear car parking." Those fruit-named parking spaces sounded funny to me, but I didn't say anything. But I got to see a lot of my beloved Names๐๐๐๐ .
We walked to the venue, it was a cozy street which restricted vehicles after 5:30 p and was full of different resturants offering various cuisines ...at our restaurant, guests starting to arrive. We all introduced ourselves and realized many were meeting for the first time. The senior leadership was so appreciative of our work.
We laughed a lot, discussed various cultures, food habits, work experiences, celebrated someone's promotion, and toasted to him. Overall, it was a lovely gathering, and sometimes, it makes so much of a difference to bring people together for honest conversations and get to know each other without any ranks coming in between.
Around 9:30 PM, I left by cab to attend a night call and pack for my checkout the next day. It became 2:00 AM. I guess I was a bit stressed with all the packing! I still wonder why it's so...
Luckily, I got a two-hour extension at the apartment. After getting ready and packing all my luggage, I headed out for brunch. It was a vegetarian Punjabi restaurant, and the food was awesome. My whole being was immersed in it.
Soon, I rushed back to the apartment, got my luggage, booked a cab to the airport, and threw away the garbage from the room. I noticed the car was just a minute away and would wait only for three minutes, and again, the rush began...
One minute before the cab was supposed to leave, I reached there. The driver was Italian and kind. He helped me with my luggage too.
As soon as I boarded the cab, tears started rolling down my cheeks. I found it so silly and couldn't understand why I was crying. Probably, they were happy tears from all the fun we had experienced in such a short four-day trip! It all felt surreal, moments were starting to play in my head, and I realized that all these days, I never had so much time to myself or to be able to detach from work or backlog.
At last, all my heart wanted to learn is to be nutral be it the beginnings of journeys or endings. I wanted to really be at ease within my heart...
From morning, I have hugged those flowers so many times & kissed them almost effortlessly!, paused and smelled them. Each time there is a deeper felt gratitude for my friend (Kathy's) efforts to grow them and nurture them. It's reflecting in the way they bloomed...so vibrant and full of life and with the most sweet smell they can spread. ๐๐ผ๐
And for some, growing a small tiny plant in itself is a big dream and if it starts to grow and if it flowers...that a dream come true :)
That moment with the morning sun-light radiating thru the window shades, standing in-front of a mirror framed with wood, designed in a shape of a tent standing with its base on the floor carpet, smelling and adoring the beauty of those flowers and when I was immersed in the sweet smell it occured to me - it's been ages that I smelled a rose in it's purest form ๐ฅน.
Now-a-days markets are full of flowers infused with chemical based fragrances to lure the buyers.
The sweet smell took me back to my childhood; Every-morning, one of neighbourhoods aunty would pluck two pink roses from her garden and give one each to me and my elder sister as we get ready for school. The routine for us was to greet our teachers with those roses....Oh! How I wish, we would have stayed kids with those innocent and tender hearts like that of rose petals and with intent as blissful and sweet as rose fragrance. <3
Well along with this, I had few fun-filled moments all thru the day and want to just recollect them here as a sweet memory:
Today, was a great evening. One I was dearly looking forward to .....(a voice in my head said...really?. It's very rare I hear the word 'looking forward to').
I had a meeting with Kathy (my first friend in the US and met met on a train :))
As I am exhausted, I will keep it (ook ok...try to) keep it short.
Met her or say found her after the hide and seek we played for a few mins to find out where exactly when is๐, around my stay apartments. Also because all four sides of the apartment is marked with sw name so people get confused as to where they are or if they are on the right side of it
We hugged (something I was so looking forward to๐, especially in a foreign land like this) she brought me beautiful flowers from her home garden which she recommended - I put in my bedroom so that those flowers will fill the room with beautiful soft fragrance. She also got a bag full of mint leaves, also from her garden ๐ก.
She then did a quick visit to the apartments, we left all our stuff and I gave her the small gift that I brought form India (a colorful Toran, ahead of diwali) and turns out that she is also volunteering for one of the Diwali celebrations in her community and she loved the gift
We then left for the dinner. We walked towards the nearby food street (castr lane) and chatted a lot of stuff , it started with - what brings me back to the city? Within the six months whereas the last time we met and departed, we weren't sure if I will ever travel to the US again
At the food Street, we decided to go for one of the resturant that's top on her preference but I had to go for a vegan one so we decided we order seperately and eat together. Luckily, the resturant staff was supported and allowed us to eat something from the other restaurant as well.
While in the next restaurant ordering my food, I saw a bunch of folks from my team also sitting at a table and had a quick chat with them while my food was getting packed. And I wished them great time together and left with my food.
Over the food we spoke a lot of stuff! from her design projects, she is working on to the upcoming elections, the challenges with new generation of working people or bots etc
After about an hour, we decided while walk back home prepare the mint tea and continue our conversation.
Below pictures are a wrap-up from another long conversation over freshly brewed mint tea (check out those flowers ๐๐).
Via this post, I just wanted to reflect back on a blissful evening of conversation, a chance to host someone at my temp accommodation and these flowers just turned it all into a 'home'.
I loved it. Thank you '2G'
Yup, kitchen spaces grounds me. It makes me feel more focused and connected (even when no one around ๐), possibly it's the longing that subsides here and I feel at ease.
My being feels at home.
Even in a new place.
Had to capture it! A new found fact :)
As always, I go into panic, strong uneasiness and stress...it feels like I am the planner and I am the one dealing with it all for visually no meaningful purpose...
My stressful state was to an extent that when I reached the airport, around 12 am, cleared immigration formalities and was waiting at the lounge; is when It struck me that my body is now coming to terms with this reality of mine - that I am travelling overseas for second time in single year.
Other wise, my mind was running ahead of it's time, juggling timeliness and deadlines and body was just acting were emotions were struggling to pace- up with Mom's visits, getting to know me around her, getting to know her, aunty joining, our travel to Pondicherry together, all the planning and exploring new places, resturants and back in Bangalore all that we could do in the remaining few days and along the heavy lashing rains!
(I saw magic taking place when Rains would take a break and allow us to exprlor and be back safely and comfortably. We could do Burma Burma @indiranagar when Bangalore reported the worst traffic and also visited the Gurudwara same night and had our dinner sign-off (so to say) with the Prasad : Ghee halwaa ๐, next day I visited office but mom and aunty could do 'MTR dosa' and visit to Art of living, my heart felt deep gratitude and awe)
Back to where I left ...
With awareness and history of childhood trauma, and working towards healing thru it, now-a-days I tend to see everything - every experience, expression, feelings etc, with a lens of something to be healed or dwelled deeper into and my go to friend in this all is - Google Search ๐ :).
I went ahead and and searched 'Disbelief' and learned that it's not just lack of belief at a certain thing, people or situation, but could be categorised as an inability too. I was surprised! this learning broadend my horizon of understanding.
The search results further added subsets to my question too like:
Q. what is the root cause of Disbelief?
A. Could be loving a wrong person (this was to specific though and dint felt relevant to me).
Q.How to fix disbelief?
A. Belive in God's plan and that reminded me of my LinkedIn status title : Believe Passionately!
I was writing all this while on a flight of sixteen hours and was on and off with my thoughts, watching drama movies and munching all thru and sipping camomile else hot chocolate ๐. It all really makes me wonder what did I do to deserve all this, things or experiences that people die to have (biz class travel, luxury around etc) where as, I seem to just flow, if it's all in my being as second nature. But surely a stark contrast to my life back home.
When I got a bit bored, I started this movie "City of second chances" and loved the whole story, chances people get or were meant to be. I also loved the dialogue in it :
Perfection has a
For a change, miles away from my people, my country, up in the sky, 40 thousands ft. above the land; the light-heartedness of the movie made me feel at ease and sparked a new hope about self, about relationships, about life in general. And I slipped into a much relaxed and comfortable deep sleep.
I wokeup, ordered some hot chocolate. While feeling the warmth of the hot cuppa in my palms, and cozing in the chill biz-class cabin, I starteed looking for another movie from the available 4000 to select from, across languages, genra๐ฟ regions etc.
And my heart chose "Longing", coz that's what I felt and lived most of the time of my life and thought this movie can either comfort me or intreguie me. And I was taken away by this movie, it opened my heart for "acceptance of life and it's events, both what we feel kind and unkind to us". Simply, I loved it and loved the lead character and actor who did so much justice to the role :)
All I am realising, growing-up, travel to me was an uncomfortable area.... for many reasons and one of the primary one was financial shortfalls and another was being a girl. Whenever we travelled, we always did it in group if family members, but never alone. so I unconsciously avoided it. But slowly, I am getting to experiencing my liking and longing for it. How it helps me meet me at deeper layers.. infact in one of the "insights discovery" session report, it was recommended that I travel for work and it would make me more productive.....and I still wonder how true it is and magical.
Wrapping this post with the tagline on one of the pillow that matches the one on my laptop bag too :)
And off to next movie of my journey: Young women and the sea ⛵ possibly one more as I still have ~5 hours to land :).
Thank you God and super G (my employer) for all that I got to experience while I am with you๐๐✍️๐ฆ
Today, at one point I asked myself, At what point (if) have I felt the expression of love from Mom or One that I yearn for? say that it benchmarks what my being seeks.
And all I remembered was Love that flows naturally or rather pours effortlessly for animal's
I had felt her aura then, once with fishes at a restaurant, with birds, Dogs and even this encounter with monkeys at Lepakshi temple... how that cranky being was able to surrender to her deep love.
Nothing new about it but a few days back when recalling what brings me Joy... Brewing tea was one of the tasks on list.
Why was this particular tea special to me? Because, I was aware and present in that moment that I was creating for myself. A simple moment filled with life from thoughts, self awareness, love and nurturing.
Also because, for these few hours, I was all by myself (after a longtime), making my own tea, just doing nothing (probably) but letting thoughts flow, and it was a perfect closure to a Sunday evening ๐✍️๐
A short walk in these wet lanes, roads that are covered with various flowers and having mini puddles at the bevelled and curvy edges on either sides of it.
I had stepped out for a morning ginger chai and returned back to the guest house.
Laying here in my room, twisting and turning on the bed for almost an hour... from some deeper level of consciousness, I was forced to pause and do a simple check-in with self, what my body is experiencing, what signals am I getting, my feelings etc
One by one I started to observe, my eyes were feeling tired and were poppy (when I saw them in mirror), though I was experiencing peace in my immediate surroundings, my heart was vigilant.
I thought inner child affirmations might help and turned them on on YouTube. Slowly, yet deeply the words were sinking-in, and at one point I knew what I was going thru....
A feeling of "not-being safe". And I clearly knew that this wasn't from any place or anyone but presence of Mom around on this trip with me. She is a kind hearted person but while she entered into her motherhood journey, her ecosystem was possibly not as safe or comfortable and her whole being turned out differently, especially for her kids and husband.
And me, growing up in that environment crumpled as an individual, completely forgetting the importance and need for an identity as a 'self'. My innocent childhood was hooked to safeguard herself against the harshness of wounding words, threatening stares, anger, what if something goes wrong, of failing my parents etc.
And today, fast fwd. ~37 years, the palpitations says it all, the uneasiness that I struggled to leave behind says it all. It's not easy...
But I am glad for this elevated space of awareness and knowledge, of tools and resources to change the course...one breath at a time, one conversation (with innerchild) at a time, one forgiving thought at a time, one loving smile at a time, one deliberate attempt at a time -to nurture the self and indulge in all that brings Joy.
(Click from my walk today. Loved those tiny droplets, brighten by the rising morning sun. Those droplets carried and were vibing with vibrant joyous energy)
(This pouring of words here, was one such attempt and none to hurt or condemned anyone, not even in the tiniest corner of my heart)
