Birds and I

On one of the peaceful winter morning, while I lay in my bed - imagining of a bird flying-in thru the window next to my bed and tapping it's beak on my blanket covered face...filled me with ecstasy.

I don't know why birds uplifts my heart and make it sing to their tunes...I can spend hours just watching them nest hopping, flying, chasing making loud chirping sound....it truly fills my heart. When I think hard, it takes me back to my childhood when Nana had a parrot and I always loved to chat with it hear it repeating whatever we say <3.

It would even be flying free around house and come and sit on the shoulder......so free so loveable. As I was engaged in the mind chatter and was experiencing the sweetness of this bond of Love and care; in background I hear a sweet baby's call - Aaaakaaaaa.... akka ....(she is a tiny 1yr. Baby in neighbourhood).

And I felt as if my morning is already blessed.

Good morning love! 💖

My year of Yes - (6/10/ 2021 to 6/10/2022) | Summary - Learnings and Takeaways

During one of my regular catch-up with an overseas colleague (Yumi), I learned about a new concept - A Year of Yes' which she recalled as the most vibrant and happy year of her life. As I was feeling bit stagnant in my life..one thing that struck with me was her lit-up face when she talked about that year. And I promised myself that I must give myself this Chance too :)

Before I go further...I want to confess that I messed-up with the date as I am unable to decode the format - DD/MM - 6th or 10th day of June or October but I know it was between year 2021 - 2022. Anyways it was a fantastic year and a challenge that helped me grow as a person. It also marked the year of many firsts of my life ...some to be cherished as long as my memory supports me and some I might struggle to leave behind. 

How I plan to capture my Year of 'Yes' (getting into the uncomfortable 'Yes') is by jotting the key episodes or event or decisions and if any takeaways or reflections around it and if I plan to do carry forward anything from these or start something totally new.

1. I said Yes to going beyond fears and flowing with course of life.

    This was about the Farm Land that Papa worked hard to negotiate and close the deal for. This originally belonged to a family of 20 - 25 cousins all settled at different cities but owned a share in that land. Even though I was reluctant of taking a loan....I went home, just stayed there and kept moving as life unfolded. One of my friend reassured that I am capable and blessed with abundance plus that this is the time I can change my perspective by seeing it as my chance to gift that land to Dad by supporting his purchase and that gave me the courage to say Yes to it. And the final moment was when unknowingly my eyes paused over the written words on my wooden door - A Year of Yes, getting into the uncomfortable yes and my heart was at ease.

When I reflect the biggest bottlenecks were - Mind chatter, trust in the process and people,  Recessions predictions, commitments that I will have to continue working etc.

2. Unapologetically changing course of work-life in direction of sheer Joy.

    For some reasons (as vague planetary position in ones horoscope...that I learnt just two days back) I had a tough time at work something that tested my patience, will to continue working and shuddered my trust and confidence in my own abilities... but today when I look back...It taught me a lot and helped me take work as work and just be. Knowing and accepting ones limitations and being vocal about it...being authentic about it. 

I asked for team and manager change, learned something called as Stockholm syndrome, fought hard to establish trust on folks who wanted to support me and to believe that goodness exists and that this is not the end of work or life. Slowly, day by day became more comfortable to voice my concerns and being more real.

3. A trip with someone unknown...

  This was a time in my life when I was feeling too lost in personal life and also was tired of waiting for my close friend to travel along hence, decided to join with another person I had only know from my GLIM (Great Lakes Institute of Management) days. We travelled from Bangalore > Mangalore > Navunda> Aversa> Goa> Gokarna & Back. Made a few beautiful & funny memories.

4. Yes to my first Gold Purchase

    Gold ornament purchase is something I never indulged in as my maternal uncle's family is into jewellery business and Mom handles that department. But this time I had a craving and on 1st Nov. 2022, I went to Malabar Gold shop with an ex-colleague and exchanged a pair of upper lobe earrings with a new one. This ornament had a design that has a small golden drop. It was more like love at first sight and there was some eternal happiness associated with that shopping as I had a friend along...one who was so grateful that I took her and it was her dream coming true to go for gold shopping with a friend.

5. Yes to solo trips

    Life was at it's best in teaching me lessons or helping me grow and every now and then I was hitting a brick wall. To escape that churning, I aligned myself to what is that my heart is seeking or calling for. And at diff. times during the rest of the year I travelled solo...One day, I just wanted to be near sea and the safest place that my soul resonated with was Pondicherry and I stayed there. One day the heart just wanted to breath the Crystal clear mountain air and I travelled to Ooty (A blog is pending to capture the bliss). After a heart breaking fight with Mom at home during hoilday's and when I felt almost like an orphan ...I wanted to find peace by immersing my mind and thoughts into art and I was drawn to Kochi and attended the long due - kochi biennale 2022 and I really thank myself for being that flexible and kind.

6. Yes, to Stretch assignments at work....and choose tasks that brings more joy and are driven by passion.

    I chaired a Global committee (E/ABP summit) and later implemented those learnings for single handedly running a watch party in three different cities. The Joy, satisfaction and confidence I felt was most rewarding.

7.  Yes to new experiences, Fun memories, Quirky gifts - Virtually attended a LGBTQ wedding and Gifted a sieve

8. Yes to lead & lead with grace.

9. Yes to Journaling (however BS but I continued & it helped me keep my calm)

10. Yes to open dialogues, great friendships & fun at work.

    All thru my work life...I never had anyone as someone I can call as a go-to friend and many factors backed that - The nature of my work, My personal life and relationships and at times just that I worked for the sake of earning and nothing else. I nurtured a dual life ....one to keep me going (financially) and another to nurture my soul. But this last one year opened my eyes towards a new outlook for life and people at work. And I cannot express the immense gratitude I feel for that. Sometimes, I feel I am surviving because of that one bond @work.

11. Yes to more self acceptance, way of life and that In the end - It all works out. Intent is the Key.

(I know the way I captured it all isn't as beautiful and whole as it was in real but I din't want to miss this chance and solitude to capture it all. I feel grateful for this time and focus which is now-a-days becoming too hard)

Bypassing Reality

Today morning I reached Bangalore from Kochi, after attending the dream Kochi Biennale 2022. Though I am extremely grateful and satisfied that I followed my heart's calling and booked myself on a flight to Kochi; but the way I departed from hometown .i.e. with that feeling of no one understands me in my family and I just decided to fly away.... has a deep wound in my heart and I sense a deep hollowness. I carry a burden in my heart which feels like I am not worthy of forgiveness. I have been trying to make sense of all the recent events of my life, the feelings and emotions and all the mental chatter. Feels, as if I am in a war zone and trying hard to bypass the reality or say I am so consumed by it all that it's hard for me to distinguish reality from one that is just me portraying in my mind - one that I feel, yearn and feel belonged to or one where I just fit by virtue of being alive, born in a certain family...among certain people....following certain traditions or customs?

Overnight return bus journey, from Kochi-Bangalore was tiring as I could barely sleep. (Bus was hybrid with options to choose from a sleeper or a semi-sleeper seat and I had mistakenly booked a seat :/ and bus was fully booked to even be able to upgrade)

Post lunch, I decided to take a nap but constant mental chatter wasn't supporting and the highlighted topics were of that of my breakfast meeting with my Friend, Mom and my relationship and the emotional availability or un-availability, the insecurities in a relationship, the pattern of damaged friendships or my relations...including one with myself....the boulder sized ego, the hollowness, emptiness, cluelessness...the unanswered questions that comes along with growing-up...few tears, struggled deep breaths, a desire to attend to myself on this last day of Yr. 2022. With all that a subtle thought to listen to a podcast which I had labeled as watch-later directed me to : Episode 37 : healing the mother wound. While listening to it I kind of slipped in sleep trans and woke-up to something that was resonating with my reality and I was struggling to find words to name that feeling, the inner battle and acceptance that it happens and then be able to find ways to deal and be less self critical about it. And the title of this post is also from that YT post. A theme that I carried in my life was to stay quite or ignore whatever I felt was harsh as a reality of life and painting it as a good picture  will resolve the underlying issues but I was so wrong and din't see the damage I caused to my-own self and later when everything gets out of control, I rush, panic, feel restless and helplessness and it triggers me so bad that I become a stranger to self. Such episodes also added to low self-esteem, self-doubts, self-criticism a cowardliness to be able to voice ones opinion or thoughts and if at all, I did voice-out, the next moment I will find myself criticizing self. 

I developed bottled-up anger and fear as I grew-up in a environment where I was expected to be a good girl... one who obeys, respects, is kind, is shy and some behavioural patterns became a part of me as it all got a Seal of societal acceptance. Some of it could also be what ans how I perceive them and it helped me navigate my childhood.

More than celebrating 31st eve, It was a matter of utmost importance that I take time to jot these feelings and allow my system to feel less burdened and be able to breath.  As I write this, I also wonder where is it all surfacing from where is the root cause to it all and how this all has defined a certain pattern in my life and beliefs with regards to relationships, the moral sense of it, the how or if I fit into it. 

And to me the only answer that comes is the relationship with my mother. In no way or manner I am disregarding her love or care that I received from my mum but something was amiss and from early in my life I struggled to fit in her definition of a obedient and loving child. I became rebellious and started to run away from all that was pre-defined or never aligned or made me feel unsafe. Same thing happened when I visited home during the year-end, for a forurteen day work break and I had a lot of hopes of having a great time with friends (my neighbours) who joined me, nephews and new born niece, Sis, uncle & aunts. I wanted to forget the another world that I know of...anyone outside of this set of people and place I call home but I was under the surveillance of mom from what I eat to dress to when I bath, wherever I go...everything has to be pre-decided and I started to feel suffocated. I felt as if I am on a display and a piece of entertainment with extended families and visitors...I needed some me time and wondered if that is something I am not entitled to as I never got married, do not have a husband to be locked in a room with....I started to feel venomous as a certain other events (not so good ones) of life started to surface. And then came a moment when I wake-up and felt everything and everyone around me is plasticky its only me fooling myself of a place and few people I had known as home but I have long ago lost them and I have lost myself too as I try to find a balance and understanding of which direction I want to lead or what I want out of my life but it doesn't come easy. It churns the buried emotions, insecurities, vulnerabilities and the vacuum that I created for myself.

Wiping the tears off and assuring myself that I am on my-own-side... irrespective of the world - which always felt as the opponent. But I shall survive with the wounded soul, lost path but only a willingness to trust life and be one with it ...in all that it brought to me....

Love 💝 & Gratitude. 

P.S. A grateful heart bidding farewell to 2022.

Resonating R's : Reminiscence | Revisit | Reflect

Whenever I win the battle of procrastination vs attending to a Calling..I love myself a bit more. Today it's about returning to my blog page.

Initial days of 'My blogging journey' (consider it as a term to identify an activity) started with the curiosity and excitement about something amazing - 'A blog Page' which is openly available to the masses to write, read, share, network, just document or have a place so sacred and close to ones heart and it helps one to live more authentic life than that for the outside world. 

Last few months I engaged a lot in reflection time checking my thoughts, emotions, desires, beliefs etc. a urge was constantly being fed with evolving clarity about a certain patterns and to simplify them and pause to understand the deeper essence of those in my life.  With patterns, I also realise that I have revisited a few episodes of my life a number of times, felt remorse with a deep churning in my gut whereas there were days I understood them in different light and was amazed at how I have the ability to distance myself or detach from associating the self with those events rather take them at face value...which is easier said, than done. 

Such visits and reflection also motivated me to associate the spiritual angle to attend the discomfort I have been feeling and see it thru the lens of lessons that I called-upon to enhance my growth as a individual in this life-time, to know that Universe was indeed listening and preparing to deliver the long forgotten childhood fantasies that I would have manifested without ever being bothered about the results.

At days I wonder why the painful memories are the only ones that calls for a revisit....is it that I am addicted to pain? or I have accepted it as a belief for myself? And some days I wonder if Vipassana will help me release the heaviness associated with those painful memories or if writing can bury that pain ....and on a contrary note I do wonder if I will loose a sense of purpose if I do not feel the pain.... meaning if I ever deserve happiness or is it fake. Who am I, what is my identity outside work.....

and this inner dialogue continues....

फिजा से मैंने पूछा

नज़दिक से गुज़रती फिजा से मैंने पूछा
कम से कम क्या तुम मेरी अपनी हो?

कुछ रूह के ज़ख्म..
हमें लगा था - वक्त ने जिन्हे सी दिया है
ऊधड़ से गए है...

क्या इन्हे भर पाओगी तुम?

तुम बहती हो हम हाथ थाम लेते हैं
फिर भटक न जाएं ज़िन्दगी की इस साए-साए में

क्या उन खोई आँखों की अश्रु धारा को

अपना पाओगी तुम?

क्या उन्हें उस चहरे की मुस्कराहट के रहते सूखा पाओगी तुम?

 

Courage to Love

Courage and love together feels paradoxical...or at-least to me as I always believed Love is effortless...it is a flow. But the more one starts to encounter the unfolding life's events, the more one can relate. The price one pays, The wretched in which one participates...the confusions that fogs the mind and bury the basic power to think, feel, hear or sense. 

Recently I watched a video clip where an old lady said something so profound about LoveStory & LifeStory. She calls that it could be possible you love someone but cannot have a life with them and have a life with someone but a mutual understanding keeps the two going and one should be so clear in deciding what one wants - A LoveStory or a Story of Life built together.

Amidst all the echos, there beats a heart which bleeds and swallows the aftermath - one of the choices the other makes, the path they choose to walk, following the constant urge to fit-in, to find a meaning, to be with a purpose - Purely with a faith in heart not knowing the right or wrong.

Behind the stage, that's the courage that walks along; without judgments...with a hearth shining the light of a morning sun purely for the other to bloom in love, to breath in peace and to fly in confidence. 🤞💖🤞

Mine...Mind and Mindfulness

 I sat down to journal about the core need of being in the moment, with all will and grit practicing it in each possible thought, behaviour, action or being. 

Everything feel like weight-bearing as soon as it gets associated to 'Mine' -  'My Time, My Life, My work, My Art, My appreciation, My Feelings, My Expressions, My Music, My Poetry, My people, My hurts etc.
And how mind plays the prominence in it all. 

In this journey of mindfulness, the biggest struggle I face is that of Mind and Mine. The Mind fools me to believe about the separate identity of this living being among the constellation of many others around or somewhere in the universe. That identity creates a sense of power, ego, separatisms but at times fuels some exclusivity too. I always long for that exclusivity in the expression of my life.

What pulled me to practice Mindfulness?. For some-reason this past week, I had been feeling emotionally chaotic. With events or emotions directly or incidentally hitting me high. Also, somewhere I was blessed to be reading the 'No Mud No Lotus' and that also kept me sane and guided me in ways I couldn’t have imagined. To shut the chatter, I always wanted to keep myself busy, engaged with something or the other, either read, get busy cleaning home, arranging the mess around or pre-plan a lot of things in the day so that mind always has something to linger on to. so that I do not blame myself to the 'perceived' knowledge of 'wasting time'...

Today when the calling - to be at ease, to hear myself, to meditate was too intense I allowed myself to learn to go with the flow. It instantly felt Peaceful. In a way I released my cows - that of control, that of someone else's perception of experiencing life. As I am writing this I experience a new depth of this inner dimension, of that of acceptance of self - in ease or turmoil, in hurt or pain, in glory or joy, in peace or Bliss. It is initially hard, very hard to see oneself in a different light.. stepping into uncomfortable zone