In-coherence?

There is no in-coherence when a heart listens and a innocence speaks it's heart.

(Hearing Ani's Nani on phone)

Charming Fridays & creating such moments during the week

It's been too long, away from my blog. My safe space to be <3 and I couldn't resist this urge to think about what all I can document ....and it grew more and more in the last three days.

While surfing the waves of thoughts from that of things that hurt, words that create discomforts, some small wins at work, experiencing tiny episodes of being in the moment, I pinned on 'Fridays'; on a Friday :)

Friday's has some charm about them and I am trying to decode that feeling. This charm has grown in the past two years; thanks to the lockdowns and work from home which collectively assured - 4 days are just perfect to immerse in work (willingly or unwillingly..ha ha). 

I was taking stock of how am I feeling on this Friday and I noticed, I am effortlessly my usual self, happy and bubbly, A bit more confident while speaking in public forums (virtually). Usually in the past few instances, I panic if I have to do public speaking and after challenging myself beyond what I could take, I experience slight bleeding and muscle cramps etc (a horrifying self-imposed torture).

Also noticed,  I do not experience that bottled or chocked feeling in my chest nor do I had any palpitations and I am able to breath deep, my heart is smiling. I am more accepting of life.

With this thoughts I went to the terrace and experienced bright blue sky with bundles of pearl clouds scattered.....all resonated the happiness. 

I was more attentive of my surroundings and thanked the tallest tree around me for being there, welcoming and hosting so many beautiful birds for me, growing so tall in all these years and being my constant in all weathers.

Not just this, I also found a lovely track (Xavier Rudd - Stoney Creek (Official Music Video) and after a long time it felt like music to the soul and even the video took me back to one of my dreams, to learn skateboarding <3. Some day I will.....

I am willing and excited to take baby steps to reform ...bring a new introduction to myself, allow myself to be a more explorative soul and being. I learned - One can love and can still walk away. The ease in my body made me hear myself more - learned I don't know how to distinguish between good or bad 'In love' and I willingly flow with what is my 'now'. 

I noticed that at times I want to do so many things, from travel to painting, to listening to dancing, to run, to walk, to cook and to experience and in that rush I forget about the most important thing - the ease & Effortlessness of life. Of forgiving myself for not being on myown side, my own cheerleader :)

Nevertheless, Coming back to the decoding part...I really don't know what are the contributing factors to this Friday-charm, but somewhere I know it is all with the pschycological balance at work and life. And now one thing I want to do is create such "Charming Friday Moments" in my everyday. 

Q. How do I plan to do so? 

A. Creating cal. blocks of - Dolce far niente. An italian saying & a soul-expanding celebration of doing nothing <3. Just writing about it makes me feel super excited.

B. Make a note and drop habits that aren't helping me in creating this ease for myself.

Eg. Signing-up for too many things at work. Feeling guilty of having fun at work or even outside work

C. Cultivate the understanding of Less is more. Be it life, Dreams or Passions.

Thanks all to my urge. I am hungry now and waiting for a cake that I odered.

And shhhhh....tomorrow I am on Vista Dome <3

 

Home Coming

I am writing this from my hometown and was about to wrap-up for the day and head to bed.

A thought crossed my mind...why is it that I feel terrible emptiness inspite of being home I feel hollow. There is always a longing....a deep strong longing for a place/ feeling or moments called home.

Even though I am blessed and born in a  wonderful family,  I feel I do not belong. I continue to seek a time when I am so immersed in living each moment with such grace and  solitude as if life is a canvas and I am a painting. A free expression! - Unharmed, unalarmed and flowing effortlessly.

This very thought of emptiness pinched me...my breath spoke louder than my emotion and tears were born. I returned home. Heart felt alive, I could breath deep and light. It all felt surreal but was indeed true.

What - a 'Promise' like that entails?

Long ago, when I was taking a leap into the real world,
When I was leaving behind -
the only faces I had known...
the only feelings I was surrounded with
...of that of care and concern, of that of affection and forgiveness.

 I made a promise to myself,
 to 'takecare of me'.
 Without knowing what this promise entails...

Beneath the very thought of that promise, was a firm feeling...
a feeling of reassurance.
something so surreal as if my emotional body has come together to make 'me' aware of it.

Today, almost after a decade and more, when I reflect on that promise
I wonder if I have been able to honour that promise...
what that whole episode meant to me
how do I describe it. 
does it even exist?
or was it some sort of passing thoughts while one is growing up.
if it was there, how did it help?

Indeed, without knowing what that promise entailed...
I began to assess the prominent events of my life, 
Those, that are capable of altering ones consciousness ..
Event by event, thought by thought, it began to Unravel.

Today, the distance from my decade old self gives me an edge to clearly distinguish the subtle endurance that laid all thru.

The self promise entailed..
Acceptance! that there would be emotional turbulence,
Somedays you will have reasons and some days a longing for an answer..

Knowing how to be courageous about change
of that of known places, people, feelings, comforts and above all the very self I knew of me.

that - eventually emerging more strongly is the way, always.
from all the hurt that brought you to ashes...and that it was all for ones growth.

That there will be tussle within, in search of a balance - from that of your psyche and the social demands while being the one coexisting with that social setting. 

at times you might feel humiliated coz of the moral boundaries you set for yourself whereas the free spirit continue to dwell in it’s own pristine understanding and flow of life.

that you would have never wanted to grow-up. Always wanted to feel shielded and cared for, but you wakeup to a day when the very world around you is embracing wrinkles, not a bit would say that it is seeking the reciprocation of love and care...but you will have to allow yourself to be.

In a nutshell, how much we say we are grown-up...a part of us always wanted to kindle the innocence, hold on to the known and the self promise entailed HOPE. 

That old fashioned white window

(Curiosity leading to connections : Michel sharing his art of hand book binding (3/17/2022))

It was a sunny afternoon. I was & am on one of my longest Holiday in ~20 yrs of work-life :).
As I am writing this..it feels so unlike me. And It's now exactly a week into it.

I wonder how everything, everyone - the events (hard and kind ones), the seeker in me, the guidance & help which came my way, the initial friction followed by the ease conspired into the-reality of today.

During this holiday I visited Pondicherry with mom and my friend. We were returning from our Auroville visit and stopped at Tanto Pizzeria. Just now I learned that : 

Tanto in Italian means ‘abundance’

and indeed I felt that love in the ambience, the way the staff spoke, the soul satisfying food.

While we were waiting for our order, I thought of taking a look at the corner shop which had a soulful mix of beautifully hand-crafted diaries, candles, gourmets etc. The diaries on the display was a creation of love - sheet by sheet, available in various sizes and decor.

Cylindrical, cubical & moulded in mud pots were small candles which were decorated with pressed dried flowers. All arranged on a white vertical display rack. Surrounded by lush green foliage and shade of huge tall trees which accentuated the serenity of the place. 

Totally lost in my thoughts, I happen to pass-by an old fashioned white window with wooden frame and vertical grills. The bright daylight was obstructing my view into the world behind that window so I walked even closer to it. While adapting to that darkness on the other-side of window, Some sort of motion drew my attention and I saw a pair of lean fair hands working on a wooden tool and a few stack of folded printed sheets, at first the setup looked like that of some manual printing machine but it had strings of jute threads. Taking note of this bit of information, my eyes progressed along rest of the physical appearance of that person - a tall forty plus old french guy with partial baldness and slightly longer blond hairs, wearing a red T-shirt and shorts sitting on a wooden chair by that white window,  facing his desk and was so absorbed in his work that I had to think a few times to interrupt and seek his permission - if I can walk-in and see what is that he is doing. He was kind enough to let me in.

As I was removing my shoes at the entrance of his workshop, in my heart I felt a sudden rush of gratitude for this 'very moment'... a newness, an introduction to unknown world, one that is artistic, that holds the knowledge of the past, the wholeheartedness of that man's dedication it all felt so bliss-full. As if my journey, time off from work has been blessed. 

I walked in to a small front office with a empty desk and chair. Then walked further into Michel's workshop - A small room of 3' x 4' with a wall with two big book Shelf Cabinet, adjacent to it was Michel's desk with books of all sizes and thickness arranged in descending order of their height ..across three quarter length of the room's width, Just a few inches above this arrangement if books was a small tool-set neatly arranged on the wall. 

After introducing myself as a customer waiting for her pizza order (@tanto) and a curious being - drawn to what captivated Michel ; i asked what was he doing and what is his workshop all about? In a amused tone but kind and gentle manner Michel opened-up about every small details about his profession of - Hand bound books. He answered each of my numerous questions patiently.

Me : Pointing to the wooden tool, what is that?

Michel : It is a manual book binding tool that I bought from France and pointing to another one lying on floor - this one i got it manufactured locally (India, Chennai)

The art of hand book binding needs a lot of patience to maintain the accuracy of chapters (bundle of few pages that gets stitched together) unlike zhzzzzz zhzzzz drilling a few holes in a bundle of sheets and tie them along with a binding thread. This is more human. Each stage of hand bound book is handled with meticulous care. 

Explaining the wooden machine & art of manual binding, he pointed at various parts, hooks, strings, what is known as 'chapters'. He also shared different stages of book binding.

(Picture credit. The picture is only for refrence)

Me : What drew you to this art and where did you learn it?

Michel : I use to do this back in my home country and when I moved to India, I continued. I had learned this from a Japanese lady as a part of her night classes. 

(Michael showed a laminated old picture of his instructor - The Japanese lady, himself (his younger-self) and his batchmates)

Me : How long will the books be safe after binding?

Michel : Oh...depending on the quality of paper, a book can be kept for same as a man's lifetime or say even 100 - 200 Yrs

Michel got-up from his seat and approached the the book cabinet to pullout an old leather bound book. The book was of say ~500 pages thick and that of a palm's length. 

With pride in his voice, eye reminiscing something from his past, Michel mentioned that this book belonged to his Dad and is easily more than a 100Yr old. Gently caressing the leather cover of the book, he explain that in those days it use to be Goat leather for longitivtiy. He then let me feel the fineness of a sheet of that book between my thumb and index finger....mentioning that back in those days it use to be a fabric and not chemically dyed sheets of paper. And indeed the touch of that sheet was something I never knew existed.

Michel said - Today's world is indeed blessed with technology and information floating  24/7 but if one has never experienced friendship with books.....that man is finished. S/He has not known life.

Michel sandwiched that book between both his palms, held it close to his chest and said, back in the days when I was a child, books were considered the most precious possession and utmost importance was given to preserving them and hence the art of Handbound books came into light. 

As I was progressing my conversations with Michel, a few times the waiter from the Pizzaria came calling my name as my order was served and my folks were waiting for me to join them. A few mins later, My friend came to call me & left...after a bit more time my mom came and she also left......

Talking with Michel left my soul enriched & I strange fulfilment had taken-over me. 

As a seeing-off gesture & if I can pass on some business to Michel, I asked if he has a visiting card. He searched for one, after finding a card he wrote his personal information on the blank-side of that card.

On the card was the logo of colorful stoke in rainbow shape, with a word written in Tamil in small font and overarching the colourful stroke was the 'V' of Vanaville - Hand Bound Books.

Michel explained that the name is derived from rainbow and he opened his arms in gesture of that of a rainbow arch. I assumed that the name - Vanaville must have originated from french and never bothered much about it.

A few days after returning to my base location - Bangalore. I pulled-out his card and curiosity lead me in searching the meaning for Vanaville on Google.....but all I could get was some song with the word, I then realised that it is a Tamil word...what struck me was how this individual had left all his identity and surrendered, carried only the goodness of the art along with him and purest of memories. My mind went back to the time when he was explaining me the meaning of the logo on his card - the Rainbow and the arch he formed using his long arms.....

I will be forever grateful for this experience in my life, this learning and all that Michel shared with me. 

I was extremely tempted to pullout my cellphone and click a few pictures with Michel and of that of his workshop...but my heart guided me to immerse in the purity of those conversations, expressions,  emotions being exhibited and felt, to life the transcending life in between eras of those conversations....and as I complete this writeup I only feel peace - one that is felt by the wisdom of 'letting go', of that of acquiring or bringing nothing but just the whole self <3.

 

Precious little observations...

1. What is love? (18th Feb)

When a plate of dosa, chutney and sambhar is shared between two people sitting across the table and each one has a morsel in hand which was intended to be dipped in our beloved chutney but for the convenience of the other (unconsciously) one gets dipped into the sambhar and other one just plain gets into the mouth.

Ha ha ha....God knows if either was happy but both were assured of the underlying essence of care.

Let's see...if we can experience something each day for next 12 posts?...

2. What is Promotion? (19th Feb)

Not at all considering work related promotion...though the season is such :). Personally, when one sheds-away an identity and take a leap of faith into the new and unknown - be it moment, Persona, new bonds, sharing with honest and respectful intent...

A few years back, I watched an animated video of various stages of a satellite's trajectory when it is launched and one thing got clear to me that as we evolve as a person or grow in any way - we shed a bit of ourselves in a why that enables us.

3. Foundation of a well cultivated relationship? (20th Feb)

Well...It might sound selfish or self obsessed, but repeatedly life reaffirmed that the best relationship one can cultivate is with oneself. 

Taking a stock of the years passed by - during C19 lockdown, I know I have personally spent hours, days, months by myself. Even if I was in company of my loved ones, I was in my head for a good part of that time. 

Today was a day I would call 'allowing myself to sit with me, My emotions' - gracefully, wholeheartedly; allowed to be spoken off or about & share but not criticise,  to show tremendous love in all that this being is and have become, even if it means tearing the protective walls ..letting tears roll-down, feel every bit of raw emotion that is surfacing and what all is going in my head and heart. For a longtime, I have been getting this urge to stop this corporate world and kill-myself down with unwanted pressures I bear and end-up hurting myself, pushing myself hard to fit. My heart says - go and be with Papa, learn and do farming but on a second thought I question myself, is this an act of running away....from something that is unpleasant at work and is pressing me hard - emotionally, the constant changes, dealing with them - all by yourself! because no-one would understand your journey and why is the need for anyone to know it....am I seeking pity? or is it that I believe only I am the one with such and such challenges whereas if I want, I can see and be at peace with the fact that there is actually nothing  that I really need to worry so much about (touchwood) - only If I want to unmask and allow myself to accept that I need not create unnecessary challenges, make things, events or experiences so complicated for myself and act from the deepest of unhealed wounds of words spoken by a source where my trust was laid out. 

Amidst all this was a theme emerging, of 'Fear'; of  'what if (anything deviates)'; of 'changes'.
How deeply it agonised me - the thought of uncertainty of any kind, be it even a certain information not available to me at work. As life unfolded, I became so comfortable with uncertainties that it almost started to feel natural and welcomed in almost all arenas of my life (unknowingly). It shaped - me and a identity I portrayed to be me; for others who needed to categorise me. There was a constant flux of adjusting to whatever embraces or stabilises 'That' identity but the underlined emotion of fear wasn't rooted-out. I unconsciously called for events and individuals in my-life that rather imposed much terrifying memories and forever left me in a lingering questionable situation of - am I so unworldly? or if, what I know and believe to be my world was an illusion?

Today, after a two hrs. call with a colleague about my contributions for performance writing, my heart was filled with a strange emotion and I wanted to cry my heart out. And I sat with myself to reflect and acknowledge what was happening. I allowed myself to go deeper and far into my Life's journey - bucket all that reflects 'Fear', as I felt my actions are no-more a desired ones rather compelled with the fear. I wanted to reflect at the scenarios that made me feel vulnerable, patterns I am still carrying and if any particular ones I am willing to dissolve and come to terms with my identity - 'now' - a different reality.  

Starting from the ones from my early childhood...

• Mom not being around when I feared exams.
• Fear of being left alone...all by self.
• Fear that I would be made to go away from my mom. (After she gets her second child, married away etc).
• Fear that my indecipherable emotional outbursts or clinging behaviour will result in tainting my mom's image.
• Insecurities I developed when - friends which were labeled 'Best' turned away to be with someone else.
• I feared Love from anyone else than that of my Mother.

Later, in my teens, God blessed me with certain people and relationships which comforted my  withered soul. I forgot what I was missing in my life. I sailed thru the roughest of times with them, they became the torchbearer. But less did I know - I was trying to unconsciously cover-up the deep cuts. With it I developed another layer of fears with same underlining theme....

• Fear of being pulled apart from folks I loved and who loved me
• Fear of being questions and judged.
• Fear that I will not be able to explain myself or about my truest feelings.
• Fear that I need to constantly be in a race, with a constant friction within - between the naive inner-child in the world of statistics & that of portrayal of a grown-up being.
• I never wanted to leave my nest.
• Lower self-esteem that I am the only one at fault.
• I entertained transactional relationships, especially at work.
• I thrived in roles that made me feel a key contributor in protecting; be it information, identity, individuality etc. 
• The constant need to prove myself to satisfy the underlining identity which din't ever sync with me but I still thrived at it.

A lot of what I reflected pointed me to one common theme - 'Missing motherly love early in my childhood'...her assurance and confidence in me. And I could also see the repercussions in my behaviour and response pattern:

• By now, I had engraved it on my soul that every relationship fails - once it gets tagged or labeled.
• It all started to seem like give and take....in smallest of steps or role we play.
• I took the responsibility to provide for...in every relationship I considered dear.

there is lot in this pandora's box and it would be best for me to sleep over it for now.....

Before I sign-off, I wanted to mention that my Mom is innocent and unworldly, she always had the best intent and interest for me and I love her just the way she is. She hold responsibility only for all the Good and beautiful in my life and nothing else. Love.

4. The guiding signs & Kindness (23rd Feb 2022)

While walking I came across a beautiful feather and my mind wondered what is it telling me?

I had somewhere read that the colors of the feather has a message hidden in them.

The grey feather was ~6"long with dark stripes marked from left to right across the length. I was for a absorbed in-that moment and was taking into count every single detail my mind can capture about it. My curiosity pushed me to look for the hidden message ...and I searched on Google. Learned that It was an owl's feather and below is the message I got:

While walking, into a few steps further and manier thoughts on feathers and the marvel of nature's communication. I entered a park. Sat in on a stone bench and was happily having deep conversations with a friend and then I see another small tiny grey feather resting on the pathway in-front of me. It was a plain grey but still it was the most alluring for its perfect shape and compact size.

I bend down to pick it, was initially hard to grab the hallow shaft part with my thumb and index finger but somehow I picked-it up and what amazed me was the front of that feather which was a beautiful green.

and the message that it carried with it was : Luck will surely be on your side

A green feather signifies that if there’s one thing you won’t be missing, it’s luck! The color implies fertility and fortune, which suggests that you'll come into a large sum of money or will see everything fall into place in your love life. What's more, if a loved one has ill health, then it could be a sign that they'll recover and get back on their feet very soon.

and it made my day and a small gesture that I saw outside someone's house was this....it filled my heart with gratitude and trust of the impact and reach of goodness <3

5. Is love ever sufficient? (27th Feb)

Possibly no, never. I feel, all life forms are alive only because of the pure essence of love dwelling into us....At different stages or phases of life - love received and expressed changes, the form shifts. The course, the intensity, the purity, innocence with with it is held or even accepted.

But there is a simplest litmus test for self- when is it that I am most happy knowing I am being loved? 

And I love the richness of the below saying by Kahlil Gibran & the line that resonates with my soul is ....Make not a bond of love...

6. When my calf muscles spoke. (28th Feb)

I have taken a day off from work but when I woke-up, I experienced a my thoughts were on a spree, I felt sinked in the anxiety of what to do or say what all I can close with the ample time on my hand. In the hindsight, I have a tremendous load (seeking clarity, defining my small wins, planning a global event etc) of work on hand but I am also experiencing a withdrawal. 

After chit-chatting with my neighbour, finishing breakfast, I was a bit settled with my thoughts and took time to acknowledge lightness in my calf muscles, a sensation resembling weakness and have been sensing it for quite sometime but have been long ignoring. 

After knowing the work of Louise hay, I felt I should check what is it that my body is saying to me, a pattern I need to release to get back to ease, I took-out a book from the shelf - Heal Your Body and the closest I could go was:

 Muscles (LHS) > The underlying thought or belief or condition of mind > an affirmation I need to practice(I experience life as a joyous dance).

Indeed, there is a lot of honesty! resemblance with my life as of today and there is no stronger force than the truth - one that nudges your core.

And being the usual me, I further dwelled into the background of 'resistance' a root that directed me to what I feel the most - F.E.A.R.  (nothing surprising about it though...)

Something told me to checkout some self help videos on YT and my heart stayed with the one by              J. Krishnamurthy. This one which spoke to me and my conscience:

I am going to watch it again in peace and with focus. 

Before that, I wanted to take a moment and acknowledge my deepest gratitude for all the many people in my life (from my birth - till date), for experiences they carried, for being the nudge factor, for some being my strength, for some walking along, for few being my friends, for some being the reason for my laughter and for some being the courage behind my being, for all of them being -  just purely themselves so that they serve for the higher purpose of my life's course - the lessons I need to learn, the patterns I need to dissolve.

Love & Bliss

7. Trust in a relationship (3rd March)

After yesterday, when I experienced a brief moment of numbness in my body, of that of the ground slipping under my feet.....off-course this could be because of my thoughts, assumptions based on a few events I witnessed and I am not able to allow myself to question the person in concern nor am I willing to really seek any clarification.

What I am drawn towards is ... a Question -  In this ever evolving, extremely dynamic and co-existing 

What is the meaning & value of Trust in a relationship? Is it an injected belief, personal to every individual or is it a status quo, or a blanket or a an asset?

Why is it so delicate and gets shattered with slightest of nudge?

Why in the first place, is it important to one-another? Does this also means the truest essence of love is missing which lead to doubt creeping-in...or does it mean I chose to co-exist irrespective...

.....well not a happy/ healthy flow of thoughts here and I want to leave this here. But...

My cellphone has a gratitude reminder for every night and take a quick mental note of 10 pointers - things/ events/ experiences or people from my day for which I feel grateful. 

Today I feel immensely grateful for :

1. For my morning Yoga routine
2. For the blessing of a loving and immensely caring neighbour who keeps me nourished with timely and ample food
3. For Ma and Papa (hearing Papa's voice on phone makes my heart feel so grounded and at peace)
4. For family, nephews and niece 🐣👼🏼
5. For the financial freedom and stability
6. For being able to wish my manager a B'day with a surprise flower and chocolates. (best feeling to be able to make someone feel special)
7. Blessed summer breezy evening & long walks + Chats & ice-cream 
8. How things/ tasks started to fall in place at work.
9. For the fresh betel leaf and nut from the roadside lady vendor and her gesture to give a bit extra so that I don't feel the shortage....I was so touched with her love.
10. Everything unfolding as this Life and my blog (my space & it makes me feel @home with my thoughts/ vulnerabilities)

Love & Grace

8. Mum | Mummy | Ammi (6th March)

While en-route to a nearby small town (in Feb), I was contemplating - how to make my mom's Bangalore visit more comfortable and memorable. It occurred to me that I hardly know anything about my mum...her choices, her favourite color, food, places or anything that she really enjoys.....

For a moment I had tears in my eyes that I took that one relationship for granted...I felt ashamed of myself and when I shared this with my friend; I was asked why do I feel so?

After a brief pause, I replied - I was Ma's world and I got so habitual of she looking after me that I never realised she is also another human being who never expressed that she needs or deserve love, care... rather she took it upon herself to nurture her kids..all the time at all age.

I just hope that I allow myself to flow with the unfolding of events and stay calm and indulge in the time while she is with me.

Love

9.  A morning for the soul's calling

Water-color Bookmarks

                                

10. So much to observe but so little time to pause and write (midnight 11 March)

To satisfy my quest to write I chose myself to be the canvas...and re-write a beautiful, creative 'me'

11. Dramatic life of 'this' girl. (12th March)

Just two days back she gets to know what she is experiencing at work is Stockholm syndrome.

Before even she could internalize this new information and that something of this sort exists;

next morning she wakes-up trembling...after seeing a work email that had some last min requests for which she wasn't feeling enough empowered. 

It was a Friday morning and also a global workday off. As an exception, she had an intro call scheduled with her new manager at 11am. She sobbed and tears were the only way out for her to let go the mental pressure she felt. The new manager was eventually made aware of the context behind those tears.

With a heavy head and hazy mind, she chose to step-out with her neighbourhood friend. She goes back to that lane where her first hostel was located...she reminisced those good old days with dreams in her eyes, those mischiefs of jumping off the hostel gate to just be able to walk in a lane that sells sweets. That captivating sweet fragrance of flower sellers lane....that touch of south-indian culture....a walk in nearby park and some jackfruits (first of the season) to munch on... walking along the pathways with huge trees almost as if they hold a age-long awareness about life and a mysterious power to make someone feel that they are grounded, stabilised and looked after. After a heavy load of insensible hogging of street food and  long ride, she returns back home. 

Just approx. an hour later, she gets a call from her another friend to meet for dinner and a drive. It was initially a meeting with some differences due to financial crises that came-up for the other and how it has to be sorted out. After a soothing & heartfelt Kashmiri Kawah and Guntur Idli, she felt a bit settled but had already worn out from the stretched emotional turns of events. Her friend drops her at home and she realises that the main gate is locked, she jumped off neighbour's boundary wall to get to her home. Had bought some ice-cream for her neighbour and the very essence of being able to add some sweetness to someone's day lifted her crumpling being. 

The neighbour friend and she then discuss the planning for receiving mom who is travelling to Bangalore next day (12th March) and how she plan to make sure that the house is tidy and cupboards are arranged with one dedicated space for Mom's clothes. In between she also tries some dance moves on 'Kaccha Badam' and it was hilarious. And it's a wrap to the day with laughter.

Cut to next day, Mom's arrival was ~12:49pm. The neighbours and she were excited. Possibly she was a bit lost with the turmoil of emotion she is experiencing in her day-to-day life and work. So around 9:15am she and neighbours take breakfast and plans to book a movie show with mom. In the excitement of booking a movie after almost 3 years (C19 pandemic), the neighbour mistakenly booked the show for 10:50am for same date😓 and it conflicts with all the planning - receiving mom, Neighbour's work shift etc.

As soon as we all realised the blunder; we all became a part of some sort of frenzy -  each one trying to see how to avoid the losses by reselling those tickets, making calls, posting status on whatsapp etc.

I contacted a friend & a cousin (localite) to check if they can buy those 5 tickets or can refer a group. Was suggested that the best is to go to the multiplex and sell it outside the counter or were asking 70% discount. It was a collective effort of realigning priorities with what best can be done and what can be left to fate :)

We decided, two of my neighbours would go and watch the movie, sell remaining 3 tickets at the same multiplex. This girl will get ready and go to pick-up mom. But eventually:

• All 5 tickets of 10 am show were sold at MRP. we were all relived and over joyed with this adventure.
• This girl made some soothing wood-apple juice to help us all calm and carry some for mom's welcome :P
• My friend eventually joined me to go and receive my mom.
• We walked to the metro station, settled-in for ~10mins. And just 9mins before the arrival of our metro, we realised we were waiting at the wrong side of the platform and then again we ran to catch the train on other side ...phew. We made it in.

After reaching back home, we all had lunch together and started to plan our instant sort trip to Pondicherry, Auroville, Mahabalipuram, Dakshin chitra & possibly Ooty. To be true...this girl just wanted to keep travelling and make it home whichever place she visits. 

The neighbor friend could join her trip which commenced on 15th March 2022.

leaving the 12th post blank...in love in grace..in the joyous dance of life & in gratitude  :)

 

A million things to be grateful for...A Promise of 10 Days

 A small note to self - Under the Title - A million things to be grateful for..., there will be series of posts for next 10 days, about one thing that made my day, made me happy or which kindled the gratitude element in me :) 

DAY 1 | 8th Feb 2022

Received the below greeting from Padma Aunty. She is the mother of my very first 'Bridal Mehandi' client. It made me reflect on the wealth of relationships, how we meet people from different walks of life, connect and leave a part of ourselves with them and the love lingers on...

Her message deeply touched me and I counted on my blessings that how someone thinks of me or remembers me. I am deeply grateful. <3

  

DAY 2 | 9th Feb 2022

All day I was much alert and aware of what is it that brings me joy?

For a large part of the day I din't have my answer and also the day felt a bit lifeless, lazy, etc...

In the evening I went to a nearby park to meet a friend and take a walk. After a while, we sat in a bench under a tree and were busy in our conversations/ fights/ laughter etc and  there came a gentle breeze and all the dried leaves of the tree started to fall....a few of them fall on me and I loved that feel, the gentle touch of leaves on my head....As if showers of blessings send from above...<3

--💜--

I am also thankful for my neighbour (Reshma Fry). She was at my home during late evening and was sharing how she feels that now-a-days her husband's behaviour and choices are so similar to that of mine...be it his choices of food, the way he expresses or guides her etc....and I laughed my heart out saying...yeah...may be you wished a Ruchika in one of your earlier births and in this life you now have many - In all genders and partnerships :). 

What I cherish and feel happy about is the lightheartedness of the conversations and her innocence.....and absolute no filter comments !

and as I am at the end of my post....I hear a knock at the door...(guess who :D?)

DAY 3 | 10th Feb 2022

So....a lot can happen in life in the blink of an eye. Such was my day and I am still trying to come to terms with. I feel a bit disoriented yet something is keeping me afloat. A weird emptiness has surfaced due to the series of events that took place today or in diff. areas of my life....all at once :)...well, by now I should have gotten used-to of it..but I am a buffalo skin in this matter. :-|

Anyways, I am happy and glad to be back here. So called 'my space' where my soul can breath  (I know technically it's incorrect, but thats the limitation of my brain at this very moment :P)

Already, having a topic in mind about - a million things to be grateful for but my mind is wandering between the blog's name...and how it stands so true to me till date. My eyes are all dried-up, tired, sleepy and I told myself what if today is your last post..and I jump on to my laptop to jot this down. At this moment my thoughts are oscillating between the lyrics of the songs & events of the day.....it soothes me...though the eyes just let the fountain flow....

allallaahu Alayhi Wasallam, Sallallaahu Alayhi Wasallam

O Mujhpe Karam Sarkar Tera

Araz Tujhe, Karde Mujhe, Mujhse Hi Riha

Ab Mujhko Bhi Ho, Deedaar Mera

Karde Mujhe, Mujhse Hi Riha

Mujhse Hi Rihaaaaaaaa

Mann Ke Mere Ye Bharam

Kachche Mere Ye Karam

Leke Chale Hai Kahaan

Main Toh Jaanoon Hi Na

Tu Hai Mujh Mein Samaya,

Kahaan Leke Mujhe Aaya

Main Hoon Tujh Mein Samaya,

Tere Peeche Chala Aaya

Tera Hi Main Ek Saaya

Tune Mujhko Banaya

Main Toh Jag Ko Na Bhaaya

Tune Gale Se Lagaya

Ab Tu Hi Hai Khudaya

Sach Tu Hi Hai Khudaya

For a moment I thought I should delete all this but I then tell myself, 20Yrs down the line...won't I want to reflect at my days and happenings to assure myself that I survived, I was loved and I was looked after by the Supreme, above us all <3

So, in the interest of time ....

One thing that I felt happiest about is when I was walking past a big tree and saw this old lady (Daadi) so dedicatedly collecting something. I looked-up at the tree to see if it was fruit bearing one. Then I saw the old lady and realised she had a carry-bag full of some lightweight dry-leaf like structure. I went near her and asked what is she doing?. She replied, "I am collecting seeds to make saplings".

I asked her if she has a farm of her own?...she said no, at Lalbagh they take the seeds and pay these collectors a small token. I was so touched. Loved that my dream or wish of having a greener earth was taking shape in its own beautiful way. The old lady seemed to be so calm and composed and I was sure that the seeds were in safe and blessed hands. In my heart, I thanked God for full-filling most of my wishes with such tenderness.

I couldn't resist and gave that Daadi a small amount and told her to plant a few trees in my name. She seemed to be dumbstruck and didn't utter a word for few secs and I hugged her tightly. My heart felt light, My whole being felt a bit elated and in that moment nothing else mattered. 

I ask myself have I got lost in the madness of this world?

  --💜--

DAY 4 | 11th Feb 2022

A self promise to blog each day for 10 days - say vent or just get back to this space and more importantly with a grateful heart.

There is something magical about written words which pulled me each day to fulfil this promise ...irrespective how my day had been or what I am feeling or if, I even have the energy to think (read 'overthink'...all over again)!

And since, there is a condition to look for just one thing in a day what I am thankful for...my mind gets into a race...race to win this challenge and look for that precise signal from heart which says 'Yes' this is it! the moment, the memory, the feeling, which lifted my spirits...where all the confusions or happenings of the day started to make sense. One such day was today! The whole day I was living like a zombie...living aimlessly, forcing myself to be that bright me but something was aloof. My friend did everything to cheer me up but I was sort of dead. But the thought of this promise stayed...seeking.

So my friends (couple) were flying to their home (Delhi) today and I had to visit them as they may return only after a couple months. While they were packing, they asked me to carry my plants which I had handed-over to them during the 1st lockdown (~1.5 Yrs back). I got them all and left it in my balcony and totally forgot about it and went back to my gloomy state of being but later started to divert myself with online shopping for Mom's birthday (12 feb).

Almost after dinner, while cleaning the dishes, I remembered about them and feared that I might stomp on them if I leave them in balcony. I got them in and washed them, one of them was lacking soil and was looking lifeless, they all needed a wash. I stole a bit of mud from my owner aunt's pot and got it for them.

While giving them a bath, I was thinking about today's blog post and thought what if I write about Mom, pics started to surface in my mind, my feelings started to out pour but the very essence of effortlessness was missing, something was too materialistic about all these thoughts. And then was the euphoria moment!...as if the touch of that one money plant had something magical about it. A memory flashed!...this was the same plant I had bought 2 years back when mom was visiting me and mom had loved it. And just a day before Mom's birthday it had returned back home in all its bloom, as if it had never ever been away. It almost felt like celebration, celebration of Mom's unconditional love, her devotion, her prayers being answered, her care, her innocence hidden beneath the compulsive controlling, over-all the reassurance of her being present everywhere....

I don't know if I ever express this love to mom nor will I every be able to...she is my biggest critique and someone who grounds me too. All I want to convey thru this magic of framing words - Maa, I love you and Thank you for everything. May you stay blessed, healthy and happy always! 

--💜--

DAY 5 | 12th Feb 2022

Overall my day was whole in every aspect. And really din't had much to reflect upon...but something very silly made me smile and I was touched by the sheer lightheartedness of it... and it makes me wonder where was this calmness within went missing all these while...

Today, I had booked a spa at home and opted for deep tissue massage. This was my first time with it and after that session whenever anyone who knew about my schedule asked about my experience with it...all I had to say....Good that the massage therapist din't detached my limbs, packed and handed over to me, rest all was well :)

As the day passed I was feeling the pressure points that were charged up and I was now experiencing my muscles talking :)...it was all paining....and I couldn't just point to any one part of my body. Meanwhile,  during a intriguing Netflix show I happened to softly massage my right-side glutes to relive the pain and suddenly noticed that a area of my thighs seems to have a dent when I press with a little pressure and my immediate thought was - Did the muscle went missing?🤣🤣

I checked twice & was silently giggling at myself. 

And today is half century for this saga of 10days <3

--💜--

DAY 6 | 13th Feb 2022

I am writing this in a rush as it is already 11:59pm and soon the date will change :(. 

Anyways, let's get to the good part!...It is already 12:01 am and it is Valentine's Day <3...well my post is still due for 13th Feb....

My day was a rollercoaster day full of emotional outbursts, anger, frustrations, trying to make sense of all the senseless things and forcing me to get to terms with it all, make informed and objective decisions, reflect over everything, including ones that I am calling as an experience -  friction between beliefs, wisdom and emotions.

Inspite of these all, I was looked after and cared for, was given my space yet I was assisted, I was accepted in all of my crankiness, I was heard and made to see a better perspective of situations and made to believe to be trusting of life.

Among this all or I should say after almost half day to it all, while I was having filter coffee at a highway restaurant ...I had this urge to have a specific peri peri flavoured chips with Hot Filter Coffee and in that search, I left half of my hot glass of filter coffee (yes, I prefer my coffee or tea to be steaming hot - No other way) at the table which was already ordered by my friend..... and went to fetch some chips from a nearby store. To my surprise, I got the exact flavour I had visioned in my mind and was kind of lifted in my spirits. Yeah, that aha moment! But when I returned to my table it was almost 15mins and my coffee got cold...not even luke warm...but C.O.L.D :(.

I din't want to waste coffee nor the money by ordering another coffee. So, I took a handful of chips and with tight lip prepared myself to take a sip of that cold coffee and since it was in a steel glass, the cold winds had made it feel like chilled coffee. The very feel of that coffee on my lips and then tongue transported me to the deja vu moment. I experienced what I can call as a  'Let go off' moment...I could feel the agony of a Hot Coffee getting cold and being left untouched by it's admirers. 

I realised that the cold coffee in my glass tasted even better at that moment. 

I remembered summers, where cold coffee with ice cubes, creams & presented well in fancy mugs were a treat to mind and taste buds. I realised how rigid my thinking is and was - to the notion of Hot coffee getting cold. How I hated it or rather I don't remember from where or whom I acquired that liking towards hot steaming beverages. 

Possibly, I hail from north/ central part of India and it could be a culture influence.

Many layers of my perceptions and belief systems were getting skinned and I was feeling lighter.

And I thank that Coffee which made my day, took away a baggage from me and left a deep meaningful impact on me!☕️

Happy Valentines day to me and to this life! Loads of love. 

--💜--

DAY 7 | 14th Feb 2022

With the ebb & flow of emotions...I have made it to the 7th day and I feel happy and at peace with myself.

I won't deny I am a bit exhausted but feels as if within me leaves another identity who is alive only to write <3. I adore and love that identity of myself.

Coming to my day - 'today'...goes without saying...it was all at ones and nothing at all. 

Took a few pics this morning to arrive at a single topic for the day to jot about and infuse the juice of flowing emotions into the words but I would need more time to polish that art of being precise and selective...at-least when it comes to writing.

Let's get going...

 I came across this soft cushioned hangers and was wondering ...who in the world thought of designing them? And as, it was my first time seeing something like this, I searched about it and the utility. 

Seems, they avoid scrapes and scratches on delicate fabric. They also help garments maintain their shape.

Not really knowing it all before, I used it to hanged my Tee on it and was just so mesmerised by the pure thought of care behind that design, this redefined my whole experience of how I look upto my own clothes and now I was more meticulous and drawn towards its care.

This made me think, if we all had that cushioned or padded hangers as support system in life - which will help us protect from any scratches or scars of the heart. Help maintain the dignity that we all seek and want to exhibit. 

And how about that we attend to everything that belongs to us or is in our 'now' with such gentleness.

I am still mesmerised and before I put the hanger back in the almirah of my brain I was to thank the designer who came-up with that design....Truly phenomenal and what a depiction of excellence at ones art.

Now, fast fwd. to my evening and a glimpse of the richness of my 'Now' - in terms of ambience and place.

I feel blessed and what more I could have ever asked for. I am deeply grateful.

May all be - blessed, cared for💝, loved and at ease.🙏

--💜--

DAY 8 | 15th Feb 2022 

Today was a reflection day on relationships..

Deep & long conversations with a friend about the hidden depth of my feelings, experiences that resulted in a bit of self doubt, Aura, practicality & Pillars of a working relationship, of forgiveness etc.

It was a loaded day and as I reflect back at the day.... everything was just perfect in an order and more importantly I learned to accept the situations and make peace with myself.

At the moment I am deeply grateful for attending to this calling (of pouring it all out here) inspite of my tired eyes and mind.  This is such a blessing.

For some reason the song from HYL (Heal your life session) : "Dooooors Opening Doors Closing.... I am safe it's only change" is ringing in my ears and heart feels at peace.

I feel grounded with this reality of my life - a simple empty page of this blog.

--💜--

                                  

& It's their anniversary & I love them dearly

DAY 9 | 16th Feb 2022 

I am a bit treaded from the main theme of this blog. But happy that this ritual or a set tone helped me  to ramp-up into fostering the habit to pour-out my thoughts.

In the afternoon, amidst tons of office work I suddenly wanted to write and just write....the flow of thoughts was so charged-up, so easy going and I smile at myself - what else have I done in my life than just think :P, it has to be easy going.

Ok..giving a chance to touch-upon the main theme of the blog...the only thought that surfaced was the view of the scintillating Full moon. Something about it helps me heal. Heal from the scars of Self inflected monotony. Since a very long time, I have been onboard with the playfulness of the clouds and the moon, There were nights I could stare at the moon and talk endlessly in my mind...feel as if my prayers are being herd and also been answered.

I am glad that something is intact - the bond between nature's superpower and the way I feel with them and for them. They are so magical that they washes away all that baggage a human life willingly or un-willingly carry.

I purposefully captured a raw pic to just share what I see...not how it makes me feel...so pure in my heart & thoughts, untouched in my experiences and enigmatic - what the bond is.

Would like to stop here, stay in this space. 

DAY 10 | 17th Feb 2022  | Anarsa  & the last bite

I want to sign-off this graceful time of last 10 days with a little bit of giggle, a little bit of Laughter and a lot of Love for all that I have - as people, experiences, things that bring life to my life (eg. this blog, books, songs, breeze....etc)

The one thing that touched my heart was after a season I actually was just being myself, Laughed my heart out, found my joy in the silliest of stuff and that is all that was to my evening.

Though I had developed a  headache, I agreed to go for evening walk with my neighbours (Reshma & Her Husband) ...the walks helped me release the work related stress and detach from it more meaningfully. Later, I went for grocery..more specifically snacks shopping. During that time, I suddenly felt like I want to have Anarsa and we (only Reshma & Myself) extended our walk trail till the main road in search of Anarsa.

After almost twenty mins, we reached back home with a pack of Anarsa and Reshma noticed the Full Moon, shining humbly <3.

We both ran upstairs to take a look of that moon in the vastness of greyish-blue open sky. The winds were heavy and cold...but we both shared the same excitement about that experience. we both decided, we will wash hands and relish the Anarsa's upstairs under the sky and we actually did it...we also laughed at how crazy we are and who on earth would have such random cravings, desires..:D. As we both were enjoying our share of Anarsa's we spoke all the random stuff about how my food intake has increased after Rajasthan trip, how the topic of Motherhood is all around me (in my friend circle) and how that could be causing all this random behaviour, how we both actually made the mmm sound which Preity makes in the  movie Salam Namaste while eating Ice-cream :D. We laughed our hearts out, when Reshma suddenly slowed her eating speed and was waiting for me to get done with the snack first so that she will get extra happiness to that last bite of the last piece of the Anarsa.

I thank God for such love and blessings & friendships in my life and around me.  And I thank god for my wellbeing to be able to keep my promise 💝

There was Moon, Bats (can you see that?)....and those last bites;  filled every bit with innocence, laughter, and friendships :)

--💜--