Finally, I see 'me'!

And I am deeply greatful for the moments I got to spent there, by the sea.

Reflecting at my life, the questions, the discomforts the memories that have caged me and the interlaced pattern across all, the subconscious choices I made and suffered, the lingering hurt,

not just this, I went on conversing with Gemini and got a deeper understanding of my life's situation and it prompted me to use various emotional hygiene checks, provided acceptance and validation that it takes time and it's ok...

I learned how a certain gesture or word would feel more like a personal attack instead of a favour, how zeigarnik effect would drive me crazy and every moment I would be looking for traces to look for an end...a closure to a certain situation!

 Not just this, it acknowledged the cocktail of emotions that I had experienced at any given moment; be it at work, with first circle, a close relationship and even self. How I abandoned myself in the hope that the five year old me would have someone else to come and help her stand tall, would rescue, shield or guide her...but the social withdrawal screamed from within...as I was more of a social butterfly. 

The presence of an elderly made me feel home, the guidance and support felt like a relief that my being never felt and it silently uttered - Finally! And we both continue to play a role, each one of us...not knowing that it could be trauma bonding.

And the more I discussed, the more I wanted to write my journal, more I wanted to cry and rest. Afterall the current me has been lifting this emotional weight since long,  many decades and part of it without the awareness of it's existence. 

I have no idea where will I land with all these transition and shift that I am feeling within and Which is also reflecting in my surroundings...

And sometimes these deeper awareness also creates vacuum in one's life of the habitual fight is flight, chaos or busyness.

But atleast I now know : to feel, is to heal.

I know, as I finally see my younger self. Along the way, many 'me' would die or probably be shattered as the deeper layers of emotions are attended to, but if that's what my journey is - so be it! Tathastu 🙏🪷

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I could paint a horse artifact at the ashram stay, read at the balcony with the waves begging me to join them :),  I walked and walked... Saw the rising sun and walked on the bold green grass of the lawn...i painted my book too and reflected a bit more..

This was one of my best runaway, because it was the most meaningful and practically more focused on me and my well-being ❤️‍🩹

Thank you, Tan.