Not all days are same..

After a bit of ease that I felt in last two days, today was different. I wokeup extreamly tired and hopeless sort.. without any willingness to step out or even touch work.

To tick the general routine, I got up from my bed, stepped out of my house and went upstairs to adore the rising Sun from the open terrace, but I felt as if it was just my mind that walked along and my heart and soul were completely missing in action.

Withdrawn, I came back to my room, tucked myself in my bed again... asked Alexa to wake-me up after an hour and repeatedly reminded myself 'I am allowed to take it easy and rest and just be' untill my body dropped all the morning rush, the uncalled guilt and lay easy. Between these thoughts and efforts, I was zoning in and out and at one point,  I was subconsciously working on myself; my breath was slow and easy, I asked myself to allow it to surface- the thoughts or beliefs which are deep rooted and which are no-longer helping me. To my surprise a scene flashed! I was approached by a white British guy in light blue formal shirt and he was irritated with my question expressed it by throwing a glass full of coffee at me and said you chose 'hurt'!.

Just after that statement, very next moment I was wide awake in my mind and it almost felt like a revelation...I looked deeper and scanned my feelings, thoughts, encounters with people, places, events etc and that one emotion I carried as a baggage all thru....'The Hurt'. What troubled more was the fact that I chose it for me, many time knowingly and a few times unknowingly. My cheeks were wet with hot tears streaming from my eyes, with each interpretation, resemblance of this truth in my waking life and I analysed it further. I sobbed. It all looked quite dramatic but not to my heart....it was what it was! without a doubt. I experienced  humiliation, hurt and disrespect when the coffee scene appeared. And I sat with that emotion to let myself be less judgmental and allow that feeling to fade away.

I wondered where and at what age I started to feel the need for me to embrace hurt or not feel worthy of love, ease, care etc?...and the memories speeded back to my childhood. I grew up telling myself that I am a burden to my family and that I need to be soon on my own... It hurts as I write this but yes, that is my truth. A lot of deep dive and work of self-healing is needed to allow to cleanse the psyche and flow with life...as it's all locked in layers and would surface as it gets triggered with outside world.

Hence, Not all days are same.. some are miraculous like today when a burden is lifted off. 

I regained a bit of self-worth when a friend called (almost after an year) trusted me to confide in me and share about the challanges he is dealing with in his life and at last there was a sweet goodbye with a care and respect intact. Knowing I have blessings in form of 'such friendships' make me to walk along with life wherever it takes me...

The Creative Flow & Medium

Today noon, while I was on call with my Mom (listening to her on speaker), I stumbled upon an old picture of the Diwali decoration that I did last year. The images flashed happy memories of the joyous time I had;  how I was immersed in my creative flow by using flowers, a cutout of a purple fabric (a blouse piece I had got as a Tambulam). I kept swiping the pictures in my Google photo gallery and they all appeared in chronological order, as if painting and narrating a day-long story. Those handmade Flower garlands, the Torans which me and my neighbour did; we were a bit frugal and behaved as an ambassador of sustainability 😊 - we gathered the raw material for decoration from around our houses and later conceptualized them all. And when the evening fell, we lit mud oil-lamps inside and at the outdoors, in the balcony and it added a warm festive feeling to my day. Not to mention, how the 'Geru Mandna'  accentuated the earthy decor. The pictures ended long after the call was over and it left me with my muse - 'The Creative Flow & Medium' 

At one point durning scrolling the e-pictures, I went back to a picture of staircases and zoomed-in to see the intricate design It had; I couldn't believe it was me who did it! - all by myself. I was transported back to the deep sense of ease and timelessness I felt as I was putting the designs. On that day of Diwali, there were deep emotions I was soaking up on...while I was feeling the wet Geru dripping from my fingers, I was also holding the red slurry intact on the soaked cotton ball which was tucked-in between the grip of my fingers such that it all gets collected and drip thru the ring finger and the cotton ball was working as an ink refill of a fountain pen, while I draw designs. Each design was emerging effortlessly on it's own and was getting imprinted on the staircase tile one after the other and I was in awe of the feeling of ease that my whole being experienced (which is a rarest of rare occurrence). I even remembered the song that was playing in the background - Ram aange to Angna sajaugi.... probably deep within my heart I was associating the art with welcoming Lord Ram as it was Deepavali day. I wasn't in any rush, nor there was any guests who were invited or expected....but all I know was something in me was elevated to a different zone. This was also the very first time I was not referring to any images on web or internet, my conscience was my reference and library. On and off I took trips to my childhood where I recalled my aunt (eldest Badi Mummy) who would do these at the entrance of house door, shops and near the Mandir space and I would be her baby assistant following her to every nook and corner of the house, tracing in my mind her hand moves as she interchanged between the red and white Geru and a design gets crafted. It all gave me immense joy and a weird sense of completion as if given a chance, I would just want to do these endlessly and decorate every surface. 

As I was penning my thoughts here, I realized how I usually struggled to try different Artworks, feared exploring different mediums or the creative depth for either the cost involved in it or fearing failures.. inspite of no-one to question me or judge me but an intangible mental boundary always exited, hard and loud and it suffocated me. But with 'Geru'- The Earthy medium, I was at my creative best... Flowing effortlessly, fearlessly, without any limits and evolving.

With Geru, I was aware of the fact that water can take it all away in the blink of an eye or stomping shoes on the steps can easily scrub it too but I was thoroughly enjoying every moment of it as it was interlaced with timelessness and this is how I learned the innate affinity of a creative heart towards a particular medium and they both flow together!

💝