Blessings from Nature's basket

 

😍😋

No more 'feeeling blue.....

Only 🥭 

जब कभी, शांत होजाए मेरी बातें...

जब कभी, शांत होजाए मेरी बातें...

खोजना ना तुम उन्हें,

बीती यादो में, यू आते जाते.

जब कभी, शांत हो जाए मेरी बातें...

समझ लेना कोई ज़ख्म गहरा रहा होगा,

सी रहे होंगे अपने दिल को, उन शब्दों से।

जब कभी, शांत हो जाए मेरी बातें...

समझ लेना कि थक गई हूं मैं,

बस केवल बातों से.

जब कभी, शांत होजाए मेरी बातें...

क्या पता, रुखसत हो गए हो, हम

यू ही, बिना बात के?

---

When my words fall silent...
Don't search for them,
Drifting through past memories.

When my words fall silent...
Understand a deep wound is healing,
Stitching my heart with those very words.

When my words fall silent...
Understand I am tired,
Simply of words.

When my words fall silent...
Who knows,
perhaps we've departed,
Just like that, without a word?

Ho'oponopono prayer

The 'whys' continued, and I wokeup to a fierce rain and a chill morning. 

I then did some surfing on YouTube and came across a video that talked about how a girl's repeated patterns and relationships that she chooses or attracts, are all an outcome of the deeper resonance of feelings, be it - grudges or hurt that she still carries from her bond (or lack of it) with her mother, Such is the depth of is her connection with her mother, with or without choice.

It made me reflect deeply on the course of my life and now scan every event which wounded me, through this new information.

At last, the video also guided me to do a Ho'oponopono meditation on monther to fix the same. 

I reluctantly engaged in it, thinking, 'I have come far away, and this is useless' until the repeatation of those prayer words took me back to certain moments which had my eyes filled with tears and the heart felt heavy, for missing, not recognising, or acknowledging the side of mom that was always there for me.

I wonder and ask the universe, 'Now, why this information and where do I go with it? Rather, which direction?'. The information will only leave me swinging back and forth between my past and present....so what's the use? Let me crawl at my own pace and deal with life as it comes...

Well, I knew if I stayed a little longer in my bed, I would be consumed by endless thinking, and the outcome could be undesirable and disheartening. I din't want yet another day with either a headache or puffy eyes.

I pulled myself up, started with the daily chores, planned my breakfast, and then got into some bit of stretching and warmup exercises to keep my mind at ease -- and I love that about me. 

After a soulful breakfast and the best-suited beverage for the day — steaming Filter coffee☕ — my neighbours and I chose to deal with the day a bit differently and we sat for some arts and crafts. 

And I must say, my heart felt at home for those brief moments.

What I did for myself was a bookmark that I had loved; the price of it in a store was way too high (from my perspective) so I chose to create a similar copy for myself 🐒💕 (sorry to the original creator, but deep appreciation for the creativity and simplicity)

 And...it's time to reveal :)

Right from paper cutting, giving it a feel of a notebook's page, eyelet fixing and even sketching....it all lifted up my spirits 💝🙏.

That led me to make a vision board for a dream house I would someday want to live in...with a big lawn, humble flooring like that of olden days, a swing in the open courtyard and loads of trees and a lotus pond....+++

Dreams!

-- Ty Tan & I Love you even more.🍃

A 'Me' Monday

 At this phase of my life where I have many un-answered 'Whys' and somedays it feels like I am on retirement mood, more so because slowly my aggression, passion and motivation to continue to work in the current role or say to work for purely earning money and be financially independent; alongside also manage some corpus for parents etc is getting almost checked, or say, I feel it so.

Sometimes, with AI coming in picture, it feels the world may be getting more challenging for new generation to start with and I sometimes take that burden on my shoulders that possibly, I need to make space for them...by probably leaving a space I am in. Afterall they might have dreams to live and family to support too.

When I reflect on these passing thoughts, in the hindsight, it feels like the shock of loosing some of my best peers to that of current layoffs, is still lingering and as an overly vigilant individual, such safety measures or thoughts leading to that mental safety, naturally crops-up. 

Alongside this emotional rollercoaster, and knowing life is short (at-least the work-life) in the current era...sometimes, I keep myself motivated by simple events that either I plan or am being blessed with and one-such day was today, I can call it A Me-Monday. Why?..

When I carry a smal box with specific Jeera-Khari biscuits, to office, to dip & have it with my ginger tea :P

Wear a comfy attire and  those bright footwear that makes me feel the most carefree or probably more eccentric :)

--

A 90 mins full body massage <3 (one of the perks @ work & my motivation :P)

--

Bonus? when rain God is showering mercilessly. Where driving becomes an adventurous task with almost zero visibility.  (Confession - I did ask for the rains a night before, but never knew my wish will be granted with uber power & intensity and such continuity to go on for three + days)

When I am blessed with neighbour's and landlords who are more like my Family and pamper me with so much love and food!! Such blessings are precious to me.  I missed my family and had tears when the thought deeply touched me — to know how blessed I am. Uncle aunty's presence makes me feel I am near my own parents and felt equally cared for and looked after🤞. May God bless them.

Some online shopping where one spends days and nights, searching for one or more specific products, locate them or select the one close to the choice and when it gets shipped, eventually return most of them citing - quality not upto my liking :(. 

but the best part would be when we all girls (neighbour's) would sit together with three different phones, multiple online shopping platforms and drill down the specifications of a particular product  or surf to the extent that all off us will get motivated to shop...irrespective of if we need anything or no...the need can be created :D 

---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ----

With all this, I love my space to be able to get back to this blog, one post at a time (no matter how random or meaningless it may look or sound), to explore the depths of my emotions or sometime just make peace with them or learn from them. There are those days too, when I am the most unforgiving and will be hurting but then some or the other blessings come my way to heal me, help me find a way or at-least navigate the emotional tides. 

A little part of the credit also goes to me allowing myself to flow with the day (yesterday), at a day outing with my crazy bunch of neighbours, just being kids again....having fun amidst the nature (@Pyramid Valley), playing badminton, laying on the green lawns, caressing the cows at Gaushala, enjoying some summer treats and also painting <3. My heart felt as if it has never been wounded and I am deeply grateful for that.

In fact, after returning, I attended to a long pending task of writing a note on an empty card...and just that exercise made me feel so much elated, more forgiving, free and  easy-going. 

 So, may be a Me-sunday too :P

--
Love you Tan!🫂💝

Becchappa - Soulful part of my day

 Yup, Becchappa (kannada) = Scarecrow

Becchappa with it's Nilgiri sword and a hay umbrella.

He owned a beautiful house and bountiful Amelomelon 😄🙈

Day or night, safeguarding the harvest was his job. Even if it means climbing the steep trees and quietly observing any tress-passeres....

And...If any one dares to cross the boundary....will be dumped into the pond, besides his house and left for them to soak in the muddy waters....

But those loved by Becch-appa, will be gifted with the best of Amelomelon 😄 💪.

--

💝

The sound of rains

Past midnight, I sat in the outdoor balcony listening to the drizzle that later changed into a fierce pouring. And the thunder and lightening grew louder and stronger too.

The whole day I had been inside the house, confined, which is so unlike me ... I knew why I was.

Anyways, I had to force myself to journal and that journaling uprooted deep sorrows, triggers and memories, some questions and answers that I seek but haven't and will never get.

When it got dark and was quiet, except for the healing sound of rains, I couldn't hold myself and rushed to the balcony. 

I was sitting there watching the water flow in this beautiful form as rains and observing how it's sound created a melody for the soul. Amidst this, I lost my train of thoughts sinking deep into my pain. I was lost until a loud clap thunder and a flash of  lightning, that transformed the whole sky, pulled me back. That was also the moment the rain grew more dense. To me it felt, as if were the cry of my soul; wanting to weep hard and let everything out so that the traces of pain and emotional baggage might dissolve or diminish completely.

And for that moment, I had no qualms about identifying my deep seated grief  to the purity of that rain. My chest started to feel a bit lighter and my eyes yearned for that fierce lightening and thunder. Somewhere, I knew that my heart needed that nudge...even if it is frightening.

At one point, I felt, I should get up from my chair and head straight to the terrace, get drenched in that rain, even if it isn't recommended.... And I did that! In the mid of this night in city light (darkness is a myth here or lies only in the hearts...)

I asked the rain gods to help me heal and wash away the heaviness I carried as the shadow of my past....

Even though the rains at this time of the year is un called for, I felt a deep resonance and infact I looked forward to more of it....

Just the sound eased my being and I knew I will sleep peacefully, for the remainder of the night. 

The intensity of the rain reduced, but it's heart warming presence and the music calmed my soul I knew I could sleep peacefully without the baggage of shadows of the past, guilt of tears for trapped emotions and beliefs that are capable of shattering me all over again. 

But for now, I surender to this sound of rain.... 

Broken heart can be beautiful too 💕

My love 😘💕!

 

Hey Moon,

(Clicked on 13th May 2025. next day of Buddha Purnima)

Hey Moon,

Will you be my reading light?

Softer to my eyes...

Hey Moon,

Will you be my night light (from the window)?

A warm presence in the darkness of night...

Hey Moon,

Will you be by my side?

When I seek someone to hear: my side...

Hey Moon,

Will you be my travel companion?

Conversing in solitude, with the shores and tides...

Hey Moon,

Will you be my writing inspiration?

Together, we will dwell deeper into existence and imagination...

Hey Moon,

Will you not be my mistake of the night,

But a promise of a memorable, bright - daylight?

Hey Moon,

Will you be my memoir?

For, when I am a memory in a frame & if remembered, you will be the one admired...

Indian Cooking - Sometimes an adventure ride or a jigsaw puzzle!

 

This morning for my breakfast, I thought will make a small Bhakri (thick chapati, roasted with Ghee or Oil) using the home grown Spinach and Onions along with some spices and 

Sattu powder (brought from the farm) + Jowar flour.

This was more like a random mix of available ingredients but for the person, I am, I can already sense the taste of the outcome before I even cook it...:P 

Till here, I was throughly enjoying my adventurous ride...

But, when it came to rolling the dough, to make chapati, it all failed, off-course due to Jowar's presence...(which I knew and had kneaded with hot water) but still...it won't taking shape and I decided to take the pan at room temperature, applied some oil and using hands and fingers, I tapped the dough such as to give a shape of a disc and switched the stove on. Half way thru, when I had to flip it,

 a few places the Bhakri appeared to be Drought-stricken land  and at the flip, some pieces came-out and I had to literally put a lot of effort to match the fallen pieces with utmost care to see the cooked or non-cooked side before placing it back in the main piece....and Ta daa! The award for Bhakri Jig-saw puzzle winner goes to me!! :P (clap...clap)

For a sec. the puzzle resembled to that of my life ..ha ha. But the final taste and outcome of all this circus was soul satisfying...so, Nooo complaints!! 💕

--

Love you, Tan.

Overwhelmed with War

Indeed the past few days have been emotionally challenging and I realized - for me, personally! it get's extremely challenging to detach or be able to focus on my own priorities or unaffected life (touchwood). The agitation and anxiousness was so much that my thoughts were racing faster than what my body could pace-up with and thanks to the realtime updates and numerous insights available on social media that added fuel to that anxiety.  Anyways, I (guess) am not beating myself for that...but I couldn't really detach from the pressure I felt to do something for the nation, at-least whatever minimal in my max. capacity that I can .

Now, when I am about to fell asleep, after all these restless nights, with sleepy eyes, I reflect at what kept me floating: 

1. I forced myself to engage in things that shifts my focus from any emotional trigger activation points to that of creative pursuits, time slows down for me. I requested a friend to join me for breakfast, followed-by a few rounds of  walk in the nearby lanes and just talk it out.

2. I continued to list my weekends chores including hobby time and activities to engage with in-spite of every heartbeat feeling a burden, thoughts pulling me in a downward spiral - Life is becoming meaningless! whats the use, tomorrow is not promised, whom am I trying to fool etc.

3. I drew hard boundaries with a simple NO, with so called friendships where I started to feel drained; when I was reached-out by a friend that she will visit me blah blah blah... I felt at peace with myself. Sometimes, I hate this treatment if 'pity' that such people show on me!! IDIOTS!

4. I guarded my 'rest, read and learn' time from uninvited networking (read neighbours's time).

5. Engaged in decluttering my book shelf and stationary drawers. I discarded books that I haven't touched in months and I know I would never go to them. I cleared everything that is just there and make me feel guilty that I am hoarding stuff and even books plus some books took me back to few particular memories... 

6. Celebrated summers, even more closer to my 'Now' by ordering 'Tender coconut' icecream. 

7. Forced and started with a gratitude list & later transitioned onto some trigger journaling& reflections. 

8. With hopelessness consuming, I looked at my commitments and as planned, cleared the final big piece of a big chunk of loan. And marking that Goal for this year as done, as such a blessing. 

9. Progressed on my online sessions of Udemy prema-culture course.

10. Cooked, ate lunch and dinner with neighbours. 

11. One of the day, Booked a movie and while I had sometime on hand, I visited a bookstore and to my amusement, picked-up the book - Normal People by Sally Rooney. Even before reading the epilogue, the Title of the book had my heart and a smile appeared on my lips and heart felt at ease. With everything in such a contrast, all I come across - Normalcy! in this form :D 

It was hard, so hard for me to stay focused or centered and on one of the days, while walking with a friend, discussing Indo-Pak war and how I am taking one moment at a time and pulling back every concern etc with the world such that even if I am required to fight, I am ready!! War Ready!!

But soon after, I started to talk about everything that is making me feel deep guilt and how I sense a heaviness in my chest, for which my  friend had to say - Just now you were thinking and talking about War and being War ready?..right?...I said - Haan 'Yes'. Friend replied : then just think about the war, don't your start a war in your head with your own-self at this moment! 😼 (I laughed-out loud at this situation of mine)

Wrapping randomly as I was about to lose grip on my phone and drop it on my face, as my eyes are shutting down...

Peace loving cockroach 🪳

 They say, a picture is equivalent to a thousand words...

(One from a small pooja corner in the kitchen)

अब मैं क्या ही बोलूं? 🤦

And I don't event know to laugh or cry or panic! Afterall it's a cockroach, point of concern!!

One side the world is on fire and wars happening and this peace loving cockroach knew if it lays eggs and it comes to my notice, it will be respectfully taken in a dust pan and will be tossed out into the wild. 

But look at this smart mumma, she smartly played with my emotions and laid her egg in the safety of Buddha's (statue) arms with the lap being it's cushion 😂 🙏.

Buddha also must be thinking, ओर कैजुअली मेरी सफाई करो!! 

Sometimes life is so incomprehensible yet too funny and filled with innocence 😇 

I hope the baby 🐥 - C is enjoying the warmth of the oil lamps and the incenses...and turns out to be a blessed being. Afterall they are the oldest on this earth and I am just transient .

--

The mock drill

Heard that mock drill announcements are out. I tell myself - now that mock drill is here, war is not far from a realty....

And sitting here, I remember my family, my parent, then zoom-out and return to my current space. Actually, a few mins back I was busy searching a wooden shoe rack with locker, online. This one task, I have been postponing since long....

But today, I went ahead to the extent that I even thought of hiring a carpenter, get a custom built shoe rack with my own design. I guess it's the urge in me to create something, experience the long lost expression of creative indulgence, in some way more personal and purely for self. And to my surprise, I was troughly enjoying it, was even discussing it with my neighbour. We talked about the material finish i.e. wood color, the lockers, pannel design, capacity, mounting etc 

The news of drill pushed me to reflect hard on my life and ask - what else and what all have I been pushing away? Knowingly, unknowingly or even because of the deep seated belief - I don't deserve it. 

This also leads me to a conversation that took place between me and my manager over lunch, today and he was asking about my recent break/ time off. At one point I was explaining him that the summers were at it's peak and I had to take a bus and travel for ~4hrs 30mins, after flying for ~90 mins and that those buses looks like government buses inspite of it being operated by private vendors. He patiently heard me and simply asked me - but why don't you then hire a car, is it not available?. For a micro second, I went silent and later respond - one way taxies are expensive.

He (with a brief tsking) - yeah, but that's ok once in a while....isn't it?

Later, in the day, while in my cab, returning back from work, I wondered why is it that it never occurred to me or why is it that I never looked for bringing ease to my life? Not just in this case alone, but in various aspects...

I feel, I know the answer but I am deeply paranoid to face that truth and accept it for myself; rather feel comfortable and safe beneath the confrontation.

Well, I started with the National mock drill told and got derailed with my thoughts but all I now reflect...what all I would have wished I did, if this was supposed to be my last...

• Taken life and myself less seriously.
• Danced more and more joyfully.
• Planted more trees and grown forests.
• Never held myself responsible for meaningless stuff i.e. for other's mistakes, pains, troubles, even that of my parents etc.
• Would have spent unapologetically on myself too, along with bringing or attempting to bring ease to my family. 
• Acted in threater plays.
• Painted more often, by the sea or a river.
• Lived more wholistically, surrounded with my people and family.... provided I would have felt safe and understood...else would have had my own family.
• Loads of friends, gatherings and meaningful conversations along with required amount of 'Me' time.
• Would have lived amidst woods and worked in any creative industry which could have paid me well and nurtured my creativity....or else, I would have owned one/ multiple business, myself.
• Would have written loads of letters to my loved ones, strangers & friends etc...sharing how my life is magic because of their presence.
• Forgiven self more freely.
• Setup a pottary studio and gone wild and fluid with my experiments with the designs, colors, baking etc 
• Would have been more loving, kind and playful.
• Would have owned an animal sanctuary too...
• Invested time with scientists to develop better engineering for agriculture in India and run projects to educate villagers on the importance of plastic free living, women wellfare and emotional wellbeing.

Now, even if war happens, I guess I am sorted in my mind....I can clearly see the bio or mock drill of my desired life being drafted 🤣.

Atleast, if I survive (and in all my senses and wellbeing), then I can atleast be of some use to the nation and people around me.....enough to get done with life.

--

On a serious note, may the मातृ भूमी be blessed, borders, guardians and it's people be safe and sound🙏. May the hearts heal and mend for good 💕

Home harvest 🥗

 The fifth harvest from the balcony gardening 😍🙏💝. Thank you Mother earth ...

Prioritising self-care

Yup! Kudos to me 😃👏.

Since last evening and through the night, I did tread a bit emotionally.

It took me deep reflection to decide where to begin easing and the only thing I knew was to get out of bed and step out, inspite of the sun, being too late for breakfast (~8.30am) etc.

I somewhere realized only the air, the chaos on the road or change of environment has the power to help me heal from the moment.

After a good breakfast, minimal conversation with the other but a lot of back and forth within which I called out when my friend asked if I am alright, I responded - "I need to allow myself to take a break from people, places, even the job that triggers me and my thoughts are consuming me, I feel exhausted and emotionally drained as memories, expectations, isolation everything takes its toll especially when I am more aware and I have to be handhoded with my emotional downtime"

Post breakfast, I went for a walk nearby, at a layout with great lush green patch of healthy blooming trees. I took a small break, I tuned into my heart telling it to imagine as if I am walking in a forest, every step is rooted in the soft soil, my ears tuned to the loud mating calls of the crickets  ;), also seeing a few bunch of new born puppies made my day, they were simply so adorable 🥰 😍 

I could see I was starting to feel better. But again, the idea of having to head home, on a weekend, pushed me back in my agitated mode and I prolonged the time to returned by heading for a fuel refill for my bike. Afterwards, little grocery and veggies shopping. Finally, when it came to me being dropped home, my heart was boiling with anger and a sinking feeling and hurt.

Anyways, since I was aware of such patterns; before stepping out this morning, I had prepared a list of tasks for the day i.e. daily chores, head massage, sleep, reading, cooking, laundry etc. and I got along with that. Yup, sometimes nothing meaningful to do triggers me hard and I get entangled in an un-ending cycle of killing time, guilt, overwhelm for the pending work and overthinking.

At home, after arranging groceries, I jumped to the first task - of hair oiling and head massage and striking it on my task list helped me to slow down and take things one event at a time and feel good about the progress.

Post that, I tuned into a 15 mins body scan meditation to release trapped emotions and I don't know when I slipped into a deep sleep. I wokeup feeling rested and at ease. Felt happy about it and infact 'sleep' was one of the agendas too.

Then, one after the other I kept attending to the tasks but somewhere I procrastinated on work related events or even art stuff. I was feeling  inclined more towards book reading and reflecting on self, on all that I am denying or rejecting because I am not looking into my trauma in it's face.

Why I started to write this post was because I came across this YouTube video - Root cause of trauma and why we feel lost in life, I had saved it to watch later. I had tuned in to it while cooking my evening meal. 

The video spoke to my heart, especially things that I would have loved to know and hear growing up. I even forwarded that to my cousin sister's for them to consider it. They have kids and as a mother one should be aware too about what a child may need ( and not get caught up in social pressure of presence and showcasing only)

I feel in many ways I took baby steps to prioritise myself, not feel guilty about it nor beat myself for not being able to attend to the whole list of tasks. 

And that, in itself is a great achievement for me. 

I am surprised that, for a change, I am actually talking about achievements !! 😃🌹💪💝 

--

Love you Tan 🫂🐒

The Last link - Pain

 

... What if the loss is not something else but 'the self'. May be that's how we (humans) evolve.

A reminder to self:

1. Breath
2. Focus on gratitude
3. Feel the emotions and identify where all it is stored 
4. Just be...

Trust the process of life...🫂

A Daughter's Home

With chocking feeling in my throat and two drops of tears, while on a bus, I wonder - why is it so precious for a girl to visit her childhood home? (After every life changing events in her life: marriage, kids, loosing a parent etc).

And seeing my sisters, I realize it's a co-host relationship. 

Firstly with parents, where the aging parents experience a different joy and a special spark which fuels their hearts and enable them to continue to takeon the journey of life, whereas for the daughter's, their childhood memories make them feel home again, inspite of having to learn to lead their independent family life's, this nurturing from the familiar, of people who nurtured her from birth and accepts her with every flaw, stigma etc and that fills their soul, she gains and unmatchable security in her being. Girls, in return connect their kids back to the maternal lineage and the kids see mums (usually cranky) in a much relaxed state of being.

Secondly, the home feels revived and I myself experience this where each of my aunt said it feels like a wedding Home ❤️.

I sometimes get scared with the intensity of attachment I feel for my home and it is tearing me up even more to think so....

All I wish is - deep gratitude towards the supreme for the household continuity and wellbeing of my people 🙏 

I miss them and wonder where these seven days just passed by...in a blink and it's time to head back.