Receipe for the day - Dec 31st 2024

 A morning with better thoughts of gratitude and ease.

A bit of cleaning and reflecting on the list of ' things that brings me Joy'

Preparing beloved Poha for breakfast and masala ginger chai

Some bit of winter herbal skin care routine with raw milk, sandal wood and nutmeg 💝 (thank you Tan)

Lunch with a friend.

Returning home,  call with family and brother who is currently vacationing in Auli :)

Seperate call with Maa-Papa and some bit of teasing and sharings from last evening.

A afternoon with YouTube scrolling and then a Netflix movie and a nap that I slipped into....(Don't know if it was tiredness, sleeplessness or sadness 🫣)

Evening tea, a bit of kitchen rearranging, collecting ironed clothes, making train reservations.

A long video call with one of the uncle.

Tiny bit of office work.

Aligning financial commitments for Jan 2025

Thinking of my dreams and desires and how much do I really wish them and why...

Possibly a some bit of pending journaling...

A few messages that came my way as a beautiful gift 🧧 for the day and filled me with gratitude and a bit of self love 💕.

[From the US, 2.26 am IST]

Hello R,

[For your working hours]

Good morning! Hope you are doing well.

As the year comes to an end, I was sending out some notes of gratitude. I can't help but be reminded of how much positive impact you have had in me. Wherever I am, I will look back at my time in Bangalore and think of you as one of the most authentic souls I have had the chance to meet. Thank you! Wishing you get all the goodness in return.

Cheers to a wonderful year,

Sowndharya!

--

Thank you 2024. 

May the hearts feel lighter, 

May the minds feel happier, 

May we stay curious and creative,

May we learn to embrace life and ourselves a little  more...

Let this 'May', be...

Let HOPE be.

Lucky are those who gets closure...

Yup, like any year that begins at some point and ends at some, I am realising the ends become more dearer and is celebrated. I wonder if this is the case with our lives too?...that when we are aware of the end we become more conscious of the life that remains, the existence and choose the only choice we have - to live while it lasts.

Resonating with this theme, I have had a very purposeful last one week with lot of prioritising self, journaling, having meaningful deep conversations etc. Today, at office having a great two hours talk with a friend on all topics of life i.e. Finances, advocacy for self, personal learnings and challanges, way forward etc, making a doodle, having a wonderful evening, meeting an ex-colleague / friend after many years ...or say first time after I left that company we worked together at. Lot of chit-chat, dinner and bye-byes. (Highlight: my friend brought me home-made agra ka petha... winter melon, which he prepared & such blessings are so rare✍️💝🥰)

Later, I walked into a beautiful cafe which I had always been wanting to go....It was effortlessly my own company, I went-in with, ordered my hot chocolate cup and read a beautiful book - how to make a house a home. I sensed that I am at ease with myself for no specific reason.

May be, I am at a junction of my life where I don't know what tomorrow holds for me but I am also aware that today will never come back so I might as well be. It has taken me efforts to reach to this stage i.e. lot of reading, analysis, dark days, days I would rant and vent continuously, days when only journaling would pull me out, and days when I would be introduced to the magic of life which appears when one tried to support and help themselves. Life rewards us in ways where it helps us break our false beliefs or patterns that no longer serves us, it makes time for us to step back and rest, it brings people who are courageous enough to stand by you when you yourself don't, it sends you a random call or message from a friend that says 'lets connect', it gives you dreams to hope for, it gives you opportunities to see smiling faces and sparkling eyes of your loved ones showing joy and your chance to reciprocate, it gives you a book and sends message thru winds which speaks to only you and meets you where you are in your life.....

Do we take a pause, reflect and cherish that?

Do we open doors to new perspectives of life and seeing ourselves without the judgement of anyone?...forgiving ourselves and show a little more effort in caring for and loving our self?

...

One doodle at a time ..

Inching towards 2025...

Dreams and the messages they carry

This year or from past few years, since I have known that dreams have a message they carry, I have been very curious to interpret my own dreams. 

Whenever I get a dream, I aspire to find deeper meaning to it or guidance that I am being provided for my waking life. Sometimes the clarity that I get from such interpretations clears off any associated fears.

Initially, when I was very new to this phenomenon, I would read things to favour myself... Ha ha and have made many weird choices based on added layer of my own interpretations (mean, favourite my wish:p), which possibly was not it was meant like.

Slowly I developed this dream interpretation skills and self awareness. I also heavily relied on Google search and was always suprised to be surprised and was awestruck with the similarity of my dreams with someone on this earth and the fact that they have written about it. 

At times dreams helped me acknowledge my life's phases or events better and more objectively, for eg. -  When I had an ugly fight with a friend and he left, I saw in my dream two dogs one tide up in my home (@hometown) and another one at the other end of that lane. It was raining heavily and this one in home side is yearning to be freed up and run to the other who is in panic and drowing. Right from colour of these dogs, the representation - dog, rains, to the situation, and my own feelings that I felt in my dreams are all cue that leads to enhanced dream interpretations. And because it resonates so deeply with me at the time in my life where I was struggling and seeking support or a sign from the supreme, such dream helped me immensely and I started to Venice (typo for 'belive'. I wanted to let it be there :p) them.

Being aware that my dreams aren't as frequent, I am more confident that it always carries some message for me. There was a time that I would maintain a diary and document my dreams (one I get in my sleep) and the meaning after the Google search, but I left that a longtime ago, thinking, why to add one more task to manage and make time for.....?

These dreams have beautifully communicated to me and connected my conscience. Days when I was practicing meditation, or different retreat programmes and when I could feel a beautiful warmth and ease in my being, I saw crystal clear waters in Lake, ponds, a small garden pot (with a memory of the house I felt at home).

What nudged me to write this post today was one such dream I had this morning (~2.20 am. I delivered a baby girl which was my own tiny self)... And found some write-up on quora, copying it below:

Last night, I delivered a baby girl  in my dream and held her in my arms. How should I interpret it from a psychological and spiritual perspective?

Response by Auther : David Cline 

This is a positive dream. To give birth in a dream means you've given birth to a new potential in you, and you are holding this baby, potential, giving it your love and energy.

It takes 9 months for a baby to come to term. Reflect back on your life 9 months ago. What was going on then. Also that many years ago, and at that age.
These times generally point to important transitional times in your life. Currently by giving birth to this new potential in you you are in another transitional time in your life.
Congratulations.

83.9K viewsView upvotes

--

I would like to emphasize that dreams are also more relevant when one is deeply self aware, knows the deeper feelings and it's working on self in the walking life to understand patterns, lessons or inner battles etc. Indeed I feel this dream was a gift from my hardwork on one hour journaling last evening and also sleeping with a kind note to myself "I love and accept you, exactly as you are". These words were so comforting to me and I din't realise when I slipped into a deep deep sleep.

Signing off.
Love

Last few days of year 2024

A busy day with daily chores but more so due to a heavy load of mental chatter.

Clock ticking in the year 2024 and work priorities but no mood or strategy to detach and be.

Best things from my day were:

1. Waking up and a few mins inner child affirmation
2. Listing the top things to do in the day i.e
• Reading 
• Yoga 
• Journaling x 2
• Amazon shopping 
• Creating a joy calendar for 2025
3. Managing my time and keeping feelings in check, I was able to plan things better and keep panic or anxiety at bay. 
4. Meeting a neighborhood aunty and discussing some punjabi dish 😀
5. Completing my yoga at the terrace along with Vipassana.
6. Getting herbal head bath and laundry 
7. Completed journaling session - one 
8. Ginger tea and time with self in the warmth of the sun
9. For second session, I went to. Nearby lake and sat and wrote and wrote. OMG, couldn't believe I would fill up 5-6 pages of a long notebook but my heart is so much at peace. And I am greatful.
10. Call at home with visiting cousins  and family.
11. Placing online Amazon orders (Dad's purchase)
12. Making online donation at a Gaushala (a cause so close to my heart)
13. Reflecting at my fears and planning a journaling sessions for it to revive certain habits.
14. Exchanging some snacks with Downstairs neighbour and a brief chit-chat.
15. Creating a new expense sheet for 2024-2025 and reflecting at 2024 projects that I could complete gave me a sense of deep satisfaction, confidence and grounding for having a purpose.
16. Planning tasks at work and telling myself to be kind to me.
17. Thinking what a "Prioritising Joy" would look like...
• Plan 2025 in 25 mins (may be a good start?)
18. Hot chocolate and some songs. 
19. Writing this post and feeling easy in my heart and being after a loooooong time. 

P.s. (a loving note to self) -  Thank you, Tan for all the efforts you take to welcome ease and peace in your life. I love you, dear🤗✍️💝

What my mini garden teaches me

There are some days and sometimes such days go on for many weeks where one doesn't want to wakeup, be enclosed, not face the world or say face themselves.

On such days I was blessed to have this blessing of a mini garden, it kept me curious and creative in ways I never knew is possible.

The bird bath near the plants gets visitors in morning hours and in the early evening hours. They demand cleanliness and attention. I have to makesure I wash the pots clean and fill them with clean water. There were days when the water would frequently be dirty and filled with algae. To my amusement, a pair of crows who would be fed by a neighborhood kid with dry chapatis would come to this bird bath and soak those chapatis to make them softer. What an intelligence!!

But then I had to find a creative way to shoo them away and keep the bird bath and the water in it, clean. I searched online and found that crows doesn't like strong smell and for a day or two I applied layer of  eculyptus oil to the edge of the mud pots and it worked magic :).

Coming to the mini garden, the biggest lesson that I learned was about resilience. There were phases in my gardening journey where I wanted to grow specific plants in designer ceramic pots and arrange them is such a way that there is small ecosystem with butterflies, tiny bird visitors, pigeons (who would test if I am harmful to them by strolling on the railings of the varandah and  constantly keeping an eye on me while I sit in my chair and stay like an statue🗽) etc

Those days I would have planted few plants and either due to my lack of knowledge or adverse weather conditions, I lost them. It broken my heart and for long time I din't dare to get another plant and carried this huge burden in my heart that I am not capable of nurturing those sensitive plants.

In the initial phase, a tiny cut branch of a money plant was brought to me by a toddler (My love Adi);  his mom was pruning her own garden and as asked him to handover a piece of that plant to me so that I can grow and I was so taken by those little hand's offering and innocence and love. Some plants were a result of an adventurous midnight ride on two wheeler with a roomie and two other neighbouring friends (but that was a last as I felt deeply guilty about we engaging in stealing saplings and few pots from nearby under construction temple site), Some plants came as gifts on a new job or as apologies.

 In my fear to not be able to care and hurt these set of plants and eventually loose them, I wanted to donate them to someone who could better care of them but the day never came. And those new guests and I became accustomed to each other. Whenever I sensed things are not what it should be i.e. leafs turning brown or dropping immaturely, or even becoming crumpled, my heart wanted to do something about it and I researched online. 

For each plant, without my knowledge I became more attentive. Especially the ones very tender and sensitive. I learned about side-effects of over watering, the need for replenishing the soil time to time or add better manure, I learned that sometimes they are better off by themselves even if struggling, they grow better and bloom. I even started to accumulate rain water in a bucket for the days when rain water didn't seep enough in the pot mud.

Many times I was also the caretaker for my neighbour's plants while her whole family was away, travelling. I would sense the plants feelings and would attend to them all daily, before the arrival of my office cab for pickup. I would reassure them that their mumma will come back soon. They all cooperated so well and to my neighbour's surprise, a creeper which she had assumed it to be a decorative pot plant, had grown tall and was spiralling on the railings next to it. 

The plants forced me to get out of my bed everyday even when it felt hopelessly dark and meaningless. Somedays I would  play healing music for plants growth and that music eventually calmed me down.

Plants which almost died and had no traces of reviving, surprised me with a fresh new leaf when all I was left was a small twig of hope in my heart and with it and would do everything to cure for the rotten root eg..cleaning the infected part soaking the better one in turmeric water and drying it out before sowing them again. Today that plant is so self sufficient and blooming in the most beautiful way and always stays close to the sleeping Buddha statues (gifted by a couple friend).

In many ways these plants and trees are like us or say we are like them. When the cold weather withers away all the ease and growth, I kept the plants together and near to eachother so that their collective strength to survive the harsh weather can help them. The taller pots and plants were always on the edge and encerciling the younger or tiny ones placed in the middle. 

There was this one instance of cyclonic rains and wind was so chilled with no traces of sun anywhere for a few days. I was concerned for the plants and don't know from where, the wisdom came to me to warm-up the garden corner by burning some cowdung cakes and let it burn slowly. The smoke and sambhrani (again a gift from neighbour) created a magical aura and a blissful moment....if not for plants atleast for me☺️. In my heart, I knew I did the right thing.

Those mini plants are my companions and strong expression of me because for days when I am so disconnected to myself, they suffer where as they are the once that help me get back too.

I tried planting seeds of a flowering plant named  Sadabahar (periwinkle), as a love for my mom cause it is her favorite flower. The seeds dint sprout 🌱 for a very long time and when they did it filled dme with immense joy but I saw that the growth is not that fast and later I had to travel overseas, upon my returns (~15 days) I see the plant pickup growth and was bearing buds and white flowers. My heart swelled with pride and I even told my downstairs neighbour that probably she did some magic ✨.

There was also this Sansevieria trifasciata, commonly called snake plant or mother-in-law's tongue. I experimented with it's leaf and planted it in a random pot with mud....to my disbelief, I saw three tiny ones being born from it....but because my pots were full, I posted a advertisement in my office chat group for its adoption...

"One twin and a single green siblings available for adoption.

I am going to keep them at my desk. Have named them 'Tom & Dick' + Harry.

They are naughty (😉) in a good way though....they only know life💝 and to grow 🪴 (evident from their way they clung to mother leaf). 

They do well with once a week watering (in cold weather), good porous piece of mother earth and a healthy manure. Born to an organic clan...would love no chemicals or pestisides but herbal and local manure.

Feel free to welcome them to your abode🙏🏼💖"

It is fun and helps me nurture the nurturer in me

I thank Mother Nature for all the ways in which it has nurtured me, enabled me and trusted me. 

Things I am proud to have checked off..

The day started on a convenient note with a ride to idli shop for breakfast followed by a strong less-sweet filter coffee, a walk upto and inside a nearby park, a few honest but heavy conversations with a friend about my behaviour from past few days and the triggers or beliefs I am still holding even if they are taking away every drop of my peace and ease.

But the need to have that conversation, being heard and acknowledged and also coached a bit was needed, for good or bad.

Later, at home I got busy with cleaning laundry (yeah under the drizzling sky) and logged-in for office work but was hardly involved and as a great escape, I spent some time looking for food to be ordered for lunch and a bit of sun shone and it uplifted my spirits...I wanted to sit in my balcony and read the last book for year 2024.

I did that. But it lasted very briefly due to weather becoming cold again and cloudy. I had to get back in the house. It now feels as if I have been locked inside the house and just keeping myself busy either with daily chores or moving from one room to another or simply being in kitchen for one or The other random cooking or heating or drinking water.

In boredom, I killed a lot of time scrolling Instagram with reels on ayurvedic remedies, financial tips, some funny ones and a few new businesses promoting their new unique offerings like a India based chocolate manufacturer who claim to be process sustainable and use only natural ingredients and dates as sweetner.  Another was a  Indian snacks house; infact ordered one pack of snacks. Chocolates for the New year, may be?

Well I din't want to lift the book again so I got back here. From resting my bums on an office chair, to bed, to a mat, to kichen slab...I am finally settled in on to a car spong pillow. Yup and pouring my thoughts here. As always my thoughts go extra miles effortlessly 🫣✍️

I came here with a topic in my mind but emptying or ranting about the prior events of my day helps me declutter and be better at writing the actual piece (atleast in my heart I am a better writer🐵).

I know most of what is poured out here is a pure BS but it all matters to me deeply; each letter and word! across the whole blog. Sometimes, thinking of just this attachment to my written (typed) words makes me emotional and I wonder what if I loose this...

Initially it scared me, the thought of loosing this felt as if my existence, my pain, my thoughts were all wiped off. But when I actually sat with myself and checked, my most prized possesion has been the chance to pour out my heart's content here and I think I will be ok with whatever destiny has for this blogspot. 

Now coming to a few things that I am so very proud of myself from year 2024.

1. I managed it all with meticulous planning eg. My visa appointment, documentation, travel, US first trip, meeting people by chance and making friend with them, home visit, meeting new friends on the flights, childhood friend's and their family gatherings at Pench near Nagpur, enduring pain of a great manager leaving, the farewell planning along side multiple travel and visit planning for office visitors, singapore visit, house painting and funding the project, planning mom's visit and her friend joining us for the last week, their schedule and trips to pondy, local site seeing, shopping with mom (yup my new diamond bracelet, another gift from mom 💝), second US trip, home trip, ++++ all alongside every day of internal struggle, pain from the hurt and feeling of being misused or taken advantage of, with new awareness about trauma etc but I could do it all...I kept journaling and kept walking.
2. I enrolled for a permaculture training. Yet to complete though
3. I finally dared to do the car driving classes.
4. I completed reading 11/12 books I had commited to. 12th one is on it way.🤞
5. Grew finger nails for the first time in my life and it was effortless. It felt great with different nail enamels and the ease with which I was able to grow them and the belief that it caused me pimples on my face was long dropped.
6. Consulted a Tax advisor, finally!
7. Got the complete body medical checkup for a friend which was looooong pending....say a few years in a row.
8. Did a two day bike trip with a friend and it was a new experience and I am just reminded that after Dad's bike, I never went pillion riding with anyone till date.... atleast on a bike trip like this.
9. This diwali, taking a flight home, spending time with family was the most fulfilling time and I made use of the old walls by painting them and leaving a piece of my soul in each stroke, made Rangoli to my heart content, celebrated meeting other grannies and cousins and elderly.
10. Brought many books 📚.
11. Financially and emotionally supported self, a friend or two and an uncle. I feel sometimes there is a reason why life is the way it is and we shall just live. (I know... easier said than done)
12. Challanged myself to step out of my comfort zones be it at office by having hard conversations, engaging in new learnings, listening to the heart more and validate it with mind.
13. Religiously followed meditation and journaling or atleast blog posting.
14. Made efforts to heal the self and relationship with mother (I am so proud for this one thing because this is the whole foundation of my life which was initially not laid right and I had to take matters in my hand. I know it's a life long journey but I am hopeful to be concious in my choices.)
15. Made time for "Out with the old and in with the new" session and dreamt of new dreams and goals from across seven different areas of life i.e Health, Relationship, Finance, Work, Personal Goals, community work and Write/Journaling; envisioned 2025 goals.
16. .... Let's see what I do with rest of 2024 in hand :)

Where are stories born?

Like how AK Ramanujan, in one of his books said - 'stories are born in the bylanes of villages' and I resonate with it.. completely! I would say Indian villages. As I have had the  chance to  see, live and love the Indian villages only :)

Like a beautiful painting, the mental imagery of all those villages that I crossed while riding pillion on a bike, is still fresh! 

Be it the ladies sitting under a tree on makeshift bench. The bench made with stacking-up a few rectangular stones and a slab resting on top, or a group of elderly men sitting with their peasant attire (white cotton dhoti kurta and a cap) and a wooden walking stick; guiding the lost riders..

Or be the isolated five by five feet local busstand with an entrance so narrow that a normal person would have to get in it while walking sideways, sliding in the entrance :) and then watch the head too as the roof height would be hardly five feet.

Those farmers and labours on the farm, every pore of theirs speaks of hard labour, sweat and dedication. 

Those women's milking the cows... 

kids playing freely in the mud or stacks of hay.

A community who comes together to take it upon themselves to keep the mother earth free of plastics...

Those slow paced life yet the most satisfying and gratifying.

Those thatched roofs where hope and surrender to life co-exists.

Those humble Katte (chopal), raised platform around a tree trunk where two friends discuss life or may be the mush...

The story is conceived thru the eyes of a beholder, into the heart, where it is nurtured to bloom and touch all senses of a reader.  

Songs of the wind & drama of earth

Stepped out of the homestay and heard water drops around a tree and it wasn't rains....it was mist formed into dew drops and drumming the fig tree leaves...I was awestruck, how vacations brings me back to the pace of normalcy 🕊️

A quite frosty morning, blessed with the surrounding sounds of peacock and one right infront of my eyes.

Stamp of diversity ...beans of India 🫘 

Can you, me or any future generations be this humble and indigenous?

Serenity, where spoken words are at fault.

(Not so happy with the auto colour correction)

Sitting next to this backwaters and just listening to the ripples sound was like a dream come true. I had a deep longing to hear this sweet sound and it filled my heart.❣️✍️

(My heart bled seeing people misusing the freedom and spoiling the charm throwing plastic garbage, playing loud music in cars and autos and drinking...)

Can I be laser focused like it?

Colours of earth and paintings by the farmers of this land has all my heart. 🙏💝

One last time.... And yet again.

Pearl gathering

Chasing the sun

& ...

I See you...

...Towards the dusk

A comfortable train journey,

Some bit of roasted groundnuts

A little bit of reading....

A lot of irritation, sobbing and taunting....:( (💔)

A feeling of being stuck in the endless cycle of self harm thru recalling emotions and feelings of the past...

But then,

3 butter dosas

1 great filter coffee 

A blissful but uncomfortable bike ride amidst the night fog 

Reaching the destination,

And the massive property all to myself in such a season of Holidays!!

God's way of compensating?

--

I know I was deeply irritated and bitter, held grudges on people who shouldn't matter to me at all, anymore! More than that, the shame I carry for trusting the Untrustworthy and feeling it over an again thru the cracks of of self doubt, voices of the world...

It's weired how deeply this is rooted in me now...and how every arena of my life is getting inflicted with it only for me to become aware of its hurt and harm; towards the very end....

How, things or episodes or events that aren't related start to get tarnished with such sabotaging feelings and thoughts and questions (unanswered)...I feel pukish even at the thought of the past and looks like more than a memory the past, it became a trauma.

Anyways...the day is almost over...and I wanted to make peace with this version of me....still trying hard to sail in the boat of my life and I trust I will be able to make it to my destination...the one, where I truly belong.🙏🤞

After an Unrushed morning..

1.  A cyber fraud of ~7k INR
2. Reporting the same with cybersecurity branch
3. Fights infused with anger.
4. Packing, bathing and getting ready to catch the 3:35 train
5. Lunch
6. Two-wheeler jet speed Ride till train station in hope to not missed the train
7. Missing train inspite of it being 7 mins delayed.
8. Waiting at the railway station for any random next train to appear.
9. I pledged, I won't buy tickets. 
10. Booking alternate stay options....this time...no, no advances

Unrushed mornings...

A slow and easy wakeup, breathing exercises at the terrace, under the morning sky and beaming sun, comfortable and healthy breakfast (millet idlies from a shop nearby), looking forward to a small trip with a friend, happy conversations, fixing the cooking gas cylinder, making rangoli (for the flat owners), dropping the elderly couple (flat owners) to the nearby Bus stand....

The sweetest thing was, when uncle was locking his house door and he called me to check if the door has been locked properly? Like literally push and  do a test...ha ha ha.

I get tears in my eyes when I think how much the couple love eachother...and in the many ways they express it or exchange that love. I am blessed to be surrounded by them and I see that how a small act of aunty asking me to make Rangoli for her house entrance melts away all my lingering anger against them for rent related disagreements.

It's true, I can get a house anywhere, if I want.. but a home is nurtured over time, with patience, with respectful disagreements, spaces to heal, with honest conversations and sometimes pure intent and gestures....

And I am truly blessed to be in the shadow of such love. May be I was destined here and the way uncle says I am his third daughter....I feel immensely blessed and cared for.  

I dropped them and returned home. I desired for a  a hot beverage and the only options I had was either a hot black coffee or tea...I choose black masala coffee.

Softly, an unfamiliar ease had taken over me, possibly due to year-end holidays and work being quiet. To have the music on in the background, seeing the  water boiling on the stove (after almost 4 days) was a home coming. 

I stretched slightly and stood on my tiptoes to reach the upper selves of the kitchen and pullout a black-yellow mug. The one that Mom had brought. But because, I prefer tea and in specific thin wall mugs, I never used these cups except for when Mom was visiting me. I prefer to use these black-yellow mugs only for my coffee or frothed hot chocolate. I know, few things are unexplainable...why I only like thin wall porcelain mugs fot tea and thick ones for the coffee or hot chocolate or soups.

It was around 10.15 am, I sat near the entrance door of my flat with my hot masala coffee. Felt a blissful sense of satisfaction deep within. To my surprise, I was embracing the sunlight that visits at my doorstep...I sat with it... feeling it's embrace and warmth on my face. And I wanted to capture the moment and write about it ...and with coffee this write-up is over too. 

Out with the Old In with the New

I forgot that the online session was due for today 5pm and for some reason, In my mind it was tomorrow 5pm.

Luckily, the host had sent a reminder whatsapp message and all things perfectly aligned...eg. the bike servicing was done and the mechanic dropped it home while I was in the session, the malfunctioning tubelight was checked and fixed by the ex-BESCOM employee...my flat owner uncle, he even closed the rental agreement signing and printing tasks, in absence of cooking gas and other eateries (being Sunday off), the food...say Linner was delivered around four in the evening ..right and hour before the session began :).

This session - Out with the old and in with the new is a reflection exercise by the way of journaling and meditation and for me this is the third time I am doing. The host (Suma Verghese - Writer, author, ex-editor of life positive) holds this workshop in the last week or a week before last, of December, every year.

The whole exercise is like a gift one rewards oneself with! It helps make peace with once life, it's path, the lessons learnt or yet to be and lay a foundation for a better tomorrow, a tomorrow seeded with more concious choices and  healthy intentions.

Personally, I always look forward to these sessions and the timing of it and meeting people who have healed themselves from many life threatening diseases, been with the self more and prioritized themselves by putting the right effort and sculpting the life desired is not small feat and is very inspiring and it instil the faith that Yes, you can do it all! To trust the self and working towards the goals listed.

I believe and also shared with the host that these activities and sessions laid the foundation for me to nurture journaling, to dwell deeper in my own truth and be unapologetic about the failures or even having fun in the process of life's journey.

I am immensely greatful for this blissful day and everything that worked in my favour and for the greater goodness.

Thank you. Tc Tan 💞🤗

Count your blessings and keep going

 I know there is no destination...but one has to still keep going.

And knowing I am feeling terribly low and emotional....would want to take a few moment to count my blessings and just be:

1. Papa's call and his laughter filled greetings, full of life (🤞) whenever he calls me. he asked why am I sounding low and I said I was reading a book and probably got too involved in it.
2.  Long pending things getting closer to completion with right resources and people :house painting, bike servicing, rental agreement renewal, Saree blouse stitching, collecting ironed clothes etc 
3. Financial ease to facilitate above all (pt.2)
4. A moving body and a fully functional brain which is working in sync and enabling me to navigate each day with the proper choices, wisdom to stay mum when emotions are loudest and prioritize people I love and healthy relationships.
5. Genuine people I am meeting, be the tax consultant who humbly offered to guide me with my taxes and said "will only take fees if I can help with saving any taxes for you." I offered to help him get client if anyone needs consultation, owner uncle - who came along to get the stamp paper from bank, helped with cash (i only had online payment option enabled) and closing the rental agreement typing etc, the iron shop uncle who is kind and so caring, cooks at SBU mess who welcome me and feed me food with so much love and care and to match my liking... especially on a day when the cooking gas got over.
6. Sister like friend and neighbour who cares for me beyond what is asked of her, she reads my. Mind and my feelings without me speaking a single word. I don't know what past connection we have....and how we are twined together.
7. A friend who gives me the comfort of a family away from family, with whom I can  be my whole self, with confidence and ease...either the ugliest or bitter version or the most caring and loving one. And after each fight or hard conversations or days that I am unforgiving to myself, I am reminded, it's a new day and that I am not being judged for anything.
8. Tear ducts that help me ease off by shedding some tears in the lonliest or the most isolated of times.
9. The vast open sky that helps me clear my mind, when I have no-one around to turn to..
10. The willingness to be curious and creative in smallest of ways to nurture and love life and to make space for acceptance. ❣️✍️
11. The books that gives me purpose and a reason to look forward to each day or hour...
12. Ginger tea (dint get one today and probably that's why I am missing it more)
13. Settings boundaries...when a family member was being unreasonable and was loud, I had to set things right there and I hope I dint hurt the other.
14. Possibilities and hope...
15. Self hug 🫂 and an assurance that all will be well. 

Atangudi Tiles 🤞

As we are approaching the end of year 2024, the rush and pressure to be somewhere else is way heavy, especially if one hasn't planned anything or is consumed in other work related priorities that the holiday season never felt like it exists.

And I am one such person here 🤐!

Firstly, there was a plan that Dad would be a visiting but he changed his mind at last min. I thought I will book myself on a train or flight and be with family for a whole 7 days...but nope, too expensive and not worth that stress.

At last, I was reminded of one desire or a dream that I had for so long but I kept pushing it over and again but I am praying that atleast I take time and plan for that one dream/ wishlist - Learning to make Atangudi Tiles at the local place and visit Chettinad mansions.

I have reached-out to a friend of mine who speaks Tamil and checking if she can come along. I am yet to hear from her but even if not, what's my plan B? How do I manage that travel... probably the only way is to reach out to masses and make it happen 😉

I am not sure if I am too blinded by the touched up reels from Atangudi or if it's really worth being there during holiday season. 

Let's see... else all I would be left with is - The 12th Book and myself reading it in the balcony.

Either way, it's just another day...and I am at ease and peace even if I cannot travel or do things that world indulges in, I will choose my peace and my cocoon :)

Simplicity of a song and smoky ambience

After returning from office, I was craving to have  street food - a plate of tangi spicy paanipuri and Masala poori. I asked my neighbour and we both went walking. The street food was devoured in no time.

More than the appetite, it was my mind that I wanted to satisfy with the comfort of familiar hygienic street food 🥑.

It was a long walk and on our way back we visited a nearby super Market and brought some Veggies.

After getting home, I traded from my office wear with a comfortable pyjamas and started cleaning the kitchen mess i.e. pending dishes, remanants from the winter carrots (red ones that we get in northern part of India) 🥕. I couldn't resist indulging in some freshly peeled carrots seasoned with lemon and black pepper and hogged like 'R' for rabbit 🐰🐇😆.

After sometime, I made snacks with sprouted dew beans (wow, I love this name...dew) and shared with neighbours, in return I got a cup of chai :)

Around late evening, 7.30pm, I was on my own and was resisting hard to not fell asleep. I had burning sensation in eyes and exhaustion post long travel to work and back or probably due to sleeplessness.

At first, I tried fixing a malfunctioning tubelight by changing the starter and trying a new tube but nothing worked.  I thought to lit oil lamp but the space was a mess and was screaming for a clean-up. I then decided to take up cleaning the Pooja corner or say decorative spritual corner that I primarily use to lit oil lamp. 

It's been week or may be months that I din't clean the space and it was full of ashes from burnt incense sticks. The ceramic dhoop holder and other things kept there was wrapped with a thin layer of oil from when the lamp are lit and dust was sitting clinging to the thin oil film. 

With the cleaning project I came across a new song and the simplicity of that song and Punjabi lyrics itched on my heart and I played it in loop for God knows how many times. That song made me feel afloat and I continued to immersed in the feel of that song but actually slowly, one by one washing the mess and the tar stuck on brass lamp, oil bottle, steel plate which holds the burning dhoop etc. in the process, juggling with slippery fingers and lemon and salt to clear them, I cut my fingers and blood oozed out from the cut. But the song was so soothing and nothing mattered.

I continued.... At last, I came to a point where I had to rearrange that corner, place the idols or photo frames etc. and as a surprise, I was enjoying that process and was immersed in creating a small ecosystem by repurposing the lid of ceramic pot as a stage for miniature idol of lord Ganesha, some Rakhi/ temple threads as a clothing or decorative fabric. I was smiling at myself as I dint know what made me so calm within.

It almost felt like I am crafting a miniature story in the process of rearranging.

Finally, I did lit the lamp and a dhoop. The aroma shifted completely and the circular smoke from dhoop made it mystical yet the song added a pleasant feel to the whole room. 

🌸✍️🥕🐇

On the other side of a promise - anchor for 2024

Wanted to take a moment and feel the immense gratitude for this planner! The planner is sticked  on the entrance door of my house. At the beginning of this year, I had made a promise to myself to read atleast 12 books this year.

As we are nearing end of 2024, I took a stock and saw how well this planner worked as a reminder and kept me going...

I could actually complete 11 books and left a few half way. To meet the mark, yesterday, I started with 'Folk Tales from India'. I am very sure I may not be able to complete it within this Year, will try. May be taking a week off and travelling and reading?...(I am now excited! 😊).

This planner also captures all the travel that I was blessed with in 2024, some surprise ones (to me) and some to surprise the loved ones 💝🙏

Such accomplishments are so dear to me and it helps me with the validation and recall that inspite of all the complexities of life, of managing 

 ever changing priorities or emotional turbulence...I kept going. Probably, I never had any other choice but to keep moving...one day at a time and I am glad to see myself on this side of the promise.

When I recall, this was the best year with many visits I made to hometown and that created opportunity for some truly soulful stays with family and friends along with fun trips with family and a lot of laughter.

I truly feel blessed. I know I was exhausted with meticulous planings which also overlapped with the nature of my day job, changing landscapes, meeting different families and family set-ups and constant travels in a span of one week, covering 5 cities/ towns and then bracing for overseas travels.

But it was all worth it!! 

Gratitude for blessings of good health, life, moment to self to unwind and be, and for all the 💕 & grace. 

 

Emotional Neglect

Well, from morning or say starting of this weekend, I was a bit irritated, lot of overthinking and was feeling a bit withdrawn nor could I take a break from it to distract and help myself.

I would usually engage in journaling, singing, rearranging my closet or kitchen racks, make painting, read a book, listen to songs, or just go on a walk. This time even though I did a bit of few things like cooking in a mud pot (experimenting with the water mud pot 😅, the pulao turned great!!), rearranging my closet, taking extra hours of afternoon naps, something was deeply irritating to me and I wasn't able to narrow it down nor was I willing to sit with a pen and paper. Sometimes this self loathing happens and mindful act that helps us ease are pushed aside to keep us away from any aid.... mostly unconsciously.

Well, this afternoon, mom had messaged me asking what am I upto and I ignored it and refrained from answering as I knew where it would lead to. I have had early breakfast, read the last few pages of the book - "this time tomorrow" and had slept off...for almost until noon I dint take my tea and I knew I should make one to feel better. I don't know why...But more than having the tea, the whole process of making tea is greatly therapeutic for me! 

But the guilt of avoiding Mom for no mistake of her or reasons only known to me, was killing me within and I responded to her with the truth that I was having tea and the conversation took a turn where it shouldn't have...she left a message which sounded more like schooling than concern or care...and I lost it. She said - Tea at lunch time... I just replied - Haan (yes) and left it there.

Firstly, I dint feel good about this much of an effort to go into a normal conversation between a mom and a daughter and secondly, I had to explain my needs or feelings...but choose to keep mum.

I later got busy with chores and again after shower and lunch, went for sleep. I wokeup and got the dried clothes back and folded them. Not knowing what to do...I choose to cook dinner and sametime got a call from ex- neighbour friend and we spoke for almost 20 mins which itself had maxed out my patience level...

I reflected on my thoughts and wondered if the book I just finished is the cause of my irritation or the conversation with Dad where he said he would definately come and stay with me (on my persistent follow-ups) but for now he is stuck with some high value false transaction that he did mistakenly at work. It did disturb me but I stayed calm and mum. 

Possibly, what is bothering me is I held myself back from offering him financial support or asking if he needs one because I am myself not in that condition for now and have already taking too much of commitments on my plate eg. House painting, hand loan to a family member, car repairing, loans and some financial aid to a friend etc.

Later, at around 8pm, after the dinner and kitchens cleaning, I dialed up mom as my heart dint allow me any further avoidance and when she started the conversation with - I was thinking to send you winter sweets if Dad is visiting and I blasted her stating that if she has anything outside food related topics...I am ok to continue to talk else we can hung-up. She agreed and later I confessed to her that I am irritated and that my afternoon tea also turned bad and that she may be happy to know it that I couldn't drink one during lunch hour. Then it was her turn to takeover and be mad at me for my behaviour and this way we continued and later hung-up the phone.

I actually felt ashamed of myself for being such and for hurting her and I know it would have hurted her at different levels and layers, especially knowing how neglected she herself feels. Dad was sitting around in the hall too.

I later asked myself if there is anything that is not allowing me to forgive my mom and let my love be love for her...I searched videos on YouTube and learned symptoms of childhood emotional neglect.

I know that it's a long way to go for me to come to terms with self but it gets difficult at times to not know the destination...and eventually the verything I wish to resolve is creating wounds...

I later wrote a small sorry message to mom and requested her to forgive me for my behaviour and that it was not at all her fault. But I guess she slept or ignored me for now as this is no-way close to her level of  expected response from me. All we knew is to be explosive and ignorant.

I just have to keep reminding me that - keep going and that it's ok to be who I am...

All izzZz well!

 Ho ho ho!! 

No it's not the Christmas celebration but of the knowledge that all the dipressive post could possibly also have been a result of vitamin B12 deficiency 😅.

So, I had my followup consultation with the doctors a day back and learned that I have B12 and D deficiency and was prescribed a few meds...

I had returned home and did a bit research about what are the symptoms or side-effects of low vitamins and was surprised and shocked to learn about low mood or sadness or even brain fog.

Anyways, it's not one-hundred percent that that's the case with me at this point because a lot has happened, a lot I struggle to let go, a lot taking place as we move forward or struggle to move with life and a lot of it which comes in waves and wipes-off every effort that we portray to the world. With those waves the hurtful voices and language that we use for self; amplifies and just one such wave is enough to being the dune to dust.

Well, that's the nature of life afterall...

Now what's next with me and my beloved B12 and D? Nope....no meds at all. Just earth. Shall see how I fix it but there is a inner voice that says - Yes, you can and you will!!

The GP also witnessed some irregularities in my ECG or say heartbeat?...I wanted to laugh at that moment when she mentioned it and wanted to state to her that - You should be thankful the heart is still beating after all the beatings it has taken... knowingly or unknowingly 😉. Well, how does that matter to them anyways...

The Gyno was cool one and unlike the general doctors and was kind while she attended me and I requested her not to prescribe any meds. She heard me but had to suggest two things - some probiotics and incase in future, I feel like taking some tests/ scans... she wrote them down. 

I sometimes wonder, how complex yet beautiful is female body. Modern science can talk and write lengths about it but no two bodies are same nor can they point at one particular cause Or behaviour....I love the disguise nature of such bodies. But when looked after...both emotionally and physically they are the best companion and equally rewarding.

I won't lie, after the consultation, I was a bit a scared listening to all the extra cautionary words and possibilities and took almost two days to settle down. 

Infact, I was so paranoid that when me and my neighbourhood friends went grocery shopping and they mentioned that they do not want too much stuff as they will be travelling to home-town again, I blurted out that if my BP is not ok then come back soon and the funniest part was the shocking look from a lady next to me who was busy filling some grains in the same super Market but turned instantly towards me and I couldn't control my laughter and told her ...I am sorry was just kidding...and that my BP is normal 😅. 

Probably, that lady herself was dealing with some health issue and was concerned.

Anyways, I got to make a promise to myself to keep myself in a better place physically and emotionally so that when I am at the last step of life I sail out effortlessly. Yup, I thought about this today when I visited a temple and was standing amidst a long que but almost at the last step and I also remembered that in Hinduism they believe - when leaving the temple premises the devotees sit at the exit steps and chant a shloka that is more like a prayer seeking blessings from the supreme to help  navigate the last stage smoothly, as much possible.

Rest is all well and I guess I shall tell myself..

all izzZz well!! 😅 Ek movie to watch karna Banta hain ❣️🤗

Why do I write?

I asked myself why do I write?

I was blank for a minute because I never thought about myself in seperation from writing, it was always a part of who I am.

And then, the next moment a platheora of reasons, beliefs, emotions associated with writing started to emerge.

But when the thoughts and feelings settled, I was embracing momentary quietness from all the surrounding beliefs and observations...I was then sitting with myself just me and me alone.

It occured to me then, to reflect on the outcomes of such writing....how does it make me feel, is there anything it improves in my life, in any way? Is it some sort of image I hold about myself? Or is it an escape?...

To be honest, the writing helps me go deeper into the deepest of my emotions and feelings. Comb my thoughts, gain perspective. And I know my 'kalam'( कलम/ pen/ nib) will not lie nor mask...it will unveil anything that I personally in my waking life would want to hide away from or avoid.

At the same time, growing up, writing has only been the tool or support that I had around me and for me...one that is free and always available. Probably writing was also my only solace and hope....that kept me alive when I knew I wouldn't be understood or would be suppressed for my unexplainable feelings, emotions or callings...

Writing to me, was and is the only anchor in the transient nature of the world inside and around me.

It keeps me busy, it doesn't demand anything except for the willingness and time on my part. But always has that scope to be improvised and to be made more soulful...just like Dua (prayers).

Writing has also been my humble teacher in life .. especially for days when I would have needed someone by myside, a friend to confide in, a support to lean on, someone to console me or comfort me and help me heal. I learned that time will pass and emotionally things will change, but if we hurt anyone by our spoken intense words...the other will never be able to mend or heal. Hence, I wrote my pains, my confusions, my fears, my prayers, my gratitude, my love, my memories and my dreams....the connection grew stronger with every written word and passing days which turned to years.

Some days it was also about my life's timeline...and sometimes, it was about the intense episodes that were the building blocks in that timeline.

One thing that I thought will not revel was - I couldn't trust anyone more than my writing to be 'me'. I could only surrender to the white paper and the ink of my thoughts. Rest, I was left wondering or in blame or deep hurts whenever I got involved with people or say matters of the heart.

Anyways...yes, I do write and writing nurtures my soul.❣️✍️

Effortless swaying..

While waiting for my less milk ginger tea ...At the in-house coffee shop, office.

I was drawn towards the glass windows, overlooking the campus. Standing there, detached from my immediate surroundings...I watched the lush green belt and the way tree leaves or tree branches swayed.  The quietness of my surroundings was a catalyst for my mind to capture the breeze and it's effect in the exterior.

The vast sky and then the glass wall between me and that near-far reality. I asked myself, reflecting at the shadow work I did a few days back...I pondered ...If I am lying anything to myself over and again? Have I really attended to the deep yearnings of my soul? Is my current situation pushing me hard to define who I am outside work?...or is it the time to really create the dream life?

Because that effortless swaying of those leaves took my breath away and I wanted to just be out there... forever...I was reminded of the words my friend had said to me - "Ruu...you are gifted with this! The way you associate with trees and life around you, the way you connect...not everyone has that and that is your unique gift"

At this moment, I am not sure where I am leading . But I am realising how I have evolved...

Yesterday, when leaving from the office, I was consumed with this job realated matix situation and was worried in my heart. And I din't want to show-up this way infront of my family ...(On a video call). I dropped all conditional settings of my mind and dialed on the group ...and It was the best decision I made. I spoke to my Aunts and brother, Mom was out for a lunch party, whereas my aunt gave me a tour of the house which is being whitewashed and this was mine and her combined project :) and we did it!!. Seeing my excitement, my aunt said you should come down..I said I am on my toes!

This reminded me of the other side of the coin of my life...where things are slow but moving...we are finally Getting the HOUSE PAINTED!! 🙏💝✍️

After my late night call, I realised how such pain and stress has become a habit and I had to push myself hard to break away... to invest my time and being for people who (probably I do not associate much with, but) were there and are there in the thick and thin of mine or my parents' life...I called-up my maternal aunt at 11.30 pm as it was her birthday!! And it felt good to make them feel special on their special day in this little way. My heart was at peace.

That late, I needed some activity to de-stress and I got busy cleaning the floor, mopping and then extra cleaning for the room where I decided will sleep and cut off from the outer world ....My headache and heaviness continued.

I decided to take a hot water shower and after putting my kaftan got to my floor bed and opened a window so that I could stare at the vast open sky and doze off with that impression on my mind.

Probably around 1 am ...I was at ease...

Life goes on...

Just having someone to hear you out or reassure that yes, you are right, I understand you and what you are saying...is such a blessing.

Past few days, I have been under so much pressure due to an additional responsibility being imposed on me at work. Numerous emails and discussion to justify the workload and seek work balance to which I kept getting templated responses..

I had a call at 10 pm today to discuss the same and before that the emotional churn I went thru was unbearable and now have headache....I came to a point where I started to calculate my fall-back options and what would I do if I drop off my job tomorrow.

I think the biggest fight within is the identity of being known for not just your work ethics but being with a well established employer...

I began with the thought - What will I do and how will I approach my no-job days?

I went to the terrace, under the moon lit sky...breathed the fresh cool air, tuned into some soothing affirmations to rewire my wild thoughts or say to direct them to something that doesn't overwhelms me or harm me ..rather I stay afloat in my now.

I started to imagine that I will pay two months penalty deposit to my flat owners, wrap things here and head home, primarily plan the loan repayments. On the hind side, all I need is probably 4 chapattis and some sabzi for myself and some funds to look after my family's wellbeing... And I think I have enough for now and knowing, living and seeing people struggling with even more challenging  hard days, financially, I am convinced it's all God's plan and not even a leaf would move without his wish and so is with my life and me. I will accept my reality and go on with it. 

I was later joined by my neighbour and her sister and we all walked with our hands tangled such as if we were forming a human chain. It was a funny moment and also one to counter the cold winds. I was in the center :p and that kept me warm 😉😅

I shared my worry with them and mentioned that I may become jobless any day and I would rather quit than taking undue pressure and loose health. In that moment, from somewhere, I remembered an old Hindi movie dialogue which I modified and delivered loudly, while walking...stating that I will put this across in my 10 pm meeting as well! It goes like - "Mere paas Reshma and Sushma hai!! Tumhare paas kya hai?? And we all laughed out loud. I could feel that the intensity of my stress melted down.

I also shared with these girls that I would go back to my home town and grow veggies and sell them to earn a living. For sure, I will miss this place - I had called my home for so many years and offered to them that they take my current house when I am gone. Reshma was quick to respond that they wouldn't want to be in that building. I then said - let's go to my hometown and live there together :). (Knowing how much Reshma loved being there when she had visited and stayed at the farm)

Just this wishful thinking and chit-chat under the open sky eased my heart from the stress that lingered since long. 

I then spoke to my friend and reviewed my email drafts, explained and became explosive at him with the irritation of people at work who are not able to understand a simple issue which I have been seeking support for and with the aim to resolve for all...I acknowledged that I am letting it all out so that I am objective and do not sound emotionally driven.

Well, somehow I put up a brave face in the meeting and was authentic and genuine with facts on hand and did put the word across that if this job can be done by someone else in a better manner, so be it. I am more than happy to leave.

Post my meeting,  I spoke to my friend and inspite of being unwell, drained and emotionally exhausted with life's events, he heard me out and said -  You look stressed and that affects your health and that's the last thing I would want to see. And with that, streams of tears started to flow.... releasing the headache, feeling of being un-heard, the stress of made to fight the battle all on your own. 

Sometimes, the events aren't as taxing as the feeling of being on your own and no where to lean-in or call home.

The day is done, I faced and fought well all that I had to; as a part of my life's journey and somewhere in my heart, I am looked after. I might cry and suffocate for bearing too much in my heart and mind and pour some bit here and less on my tongue but I will continue to walk...

Meeting by chance...

A few months back I met Dr. Raj, he seems to have a lot of other titles like face reader, PhD  economics, palmist, ayurvedic practitioner etc.

That day I was with my mom and we both had been out for breakfast. When we were leaving and I was taking out my two wheeler from the parking,  I bumped into this elderly man and he apologized for coming in my way for which I smiled and said - it's ok.

He then said that the resturant is really good and he often visits it. To me it felt like he is overly extrovert types of may be I was introvert at that moment.

He had a medicine packet in his hand and I asked if he is there to buy meds from the chemist? For which he said, he was there for the ayurvedic meds not allopathic.

Well... I knew mom was loosing her patience. I gestured that uncle that it was nice meeting him. He requested if I can share my Date of birth for which he can help guide me or help me with a certain tips or topics for my wellbeing. It was a moment where I was put on spot and I felt a bit awkward. But knowing that the individual is genuine, I simply asked..why don't you guess it?..based on your experience with horoscope, face reading etc...

And viola! He guessed it one hundred percent accurate. And with some magical powers, I too was successful in guessing his birth sign. He was a Leo. 

Well, why am I writing about him?... Is just that at days when I am too low, I  remember his words of acknowledgement...." Life has been too demanding in the last two years for you" and I had had a lump in my throat when he said it. It almost felt like I was exposed.

Mom was standing there but due to language barrier, couldn't follow much of our conversations...

I dint want her to feel out of place so explained her each line spoken. She masked her expressions ... Whereas I couldn't. 

Today, when a lot of thoughts running my mind, feeling of resentment and bitterness consuming me, a agony I feel, the irritation I feel against self and the whole world.... Is weighing me down. I remembered this individual and a few things he said. 

And I missed that little me

 Just now when I was about to sign off of the day Mom and her punjabi Friend (Aunty) called me.

Aunty had shared an old pic of me from her wedding album and when I was on call with her, she asked me - did you see the baby Tanu?...

I had then just glanced the pic in awe and how beautiful my Mom and Dad were in it.

After disconnecting the call, I took a close look as how I was and what was I doing and what were my feelings or expression be then?....

In one of the pic, I saw myself standing nearing Papa and feelings so safe and in my own elements. Don't know what nudged me and I had this deep longing to go back... be near Papa 😭😔💔💔. This feeling was so deep that it tore me apart....I am still unable to understand what was it that I wasn't prepared for in this pic....

Why is it that tears are pouring....and I chose to seek support of this space to let the emotions flow out of my system....

Life!

The shadow work

 I dint actually had anything much to write about today or say I am not in that energy or mindset.

But a few great events and decisions that I took today made it a day worth writing about...

Morning, I had my one hour classes then was headed for breakfast with a friend.

Post breakfast we walked in and around the locality and later sat at a bench in one of the temple premises that connects the road we were at.

As per my long task-list or brain-dump I from this morning, I had wanted to continue the discussion around next few chapters of a pocket-size book ' "101 ways to be stress free"...but I had forgotten the book at home.

 I had another book that I am reading but that was not something I wanted to engage in a discussion with my friend... moreover when he is just not his usual easy self. 

I then requested if he be ok if I do my shadow work and use the prompts to look deeper in my being and the anger that I am trying to dissolve. At first, he was but reluctant and said he is not in the energy or mind to discuss any of those things and I said you just participate as a listener...that's all. And the conversation went on for next two hours ...

Each question took me deep into my consciousness and the belief systems and brought so much awareness that I feel a bit renewed from within. Offcourse, there were stream of memories, tears etc but atlast a new awareness about self. And what I was most happy with - the honesty and courage to be compassionate and non-judgmental about self. 

I might someday take that time to write down my answers against each of those prompts...

Last three I haven really attended as I had to take a loo break 🤷

Chamkila kafila

 

(Star gazing)

Zindagi kuch akele hi chal Rahi thi...

Muskurahtein bhi feeki paad rahi thi...

Dhundh (mist) me apne khayalo ki...

Bhaari Sir, peeche jab gir pada 

Dikha - taroon se bhara pura aasman

Fir laga kya akela kya dukela

Taroon se bhara aasman hai mera.

Sang chala raha tha ek chamkila sa kafila humara

The Power of written words.

How strange it is that at first, one is required to wait to feel the intensity of some emotions. To an extent that it urges one to write and while jotting the feelings, one is lead to experience the intensity of those same emotions again at various different levels...

But those written words are very powerful because they speak of becoming a Man or a women to What has gone past or is seeded for the future....

Sometimes those written words stand the test of time and are a proof of existence...of dreams, life or creative imaginations.

Whereas, sometimes it is used as a tool to explain and bring people to terms....

And, sometimes it is recorded as a complaint

And yet, sometimes it's an apology.

Indeed written words have a lot of power but not to the blind heart or a closed mind.

Adulting in an adult way 😉

Today, I found myself grateful for the healthcare benefits my employer provides. I scheduled a comprehensive health check-up, a long-overdue self-care measure. As I sat in the waiting room, a sense of gratitude washed over me. 

I wanted to extend this kindness to a dear friend who was going through a difficult time. Despite his own struggles, I encouraged him to prioritize his health and enrolled him for a check-up as well.

Well, getting back to today, we both reached the clinic crossing the huddles of getting an auto on a day or say week blessed by God of rains - Indra.

Around 8.10am, as we entered the clinic, I saw a Ganesha's wooden idol and said to my friend, let's seek blessings and I joked about the potential outcomes of the tests, trying to lighten the mood. "we never know after reports who would be crying 😂"

For a change, I wasn't as nervous as I use to be, during such lab visits, probably earlier it was always for some medical conditions and diagnosis but today it was a routine check-up and knowing the stress I have have had dealt with in the recent past, I probably knew my body parameters wouldn't be same as always and I should be accepting of whatever results I get and not judge myself. And secondly, knowing my friends condition, I knew I can't complaint. 

At 8.35am, after all documentation, formalities and payments, a folder was handed to both of us and we proceeded for our individual tests. Most of the tests for him was covered via Blood samples collected and then treadmill, ECG, few abdominal scans that's all. Whereas for me, it started with Blood samples (both pre and post fasting), abdominal scans, pelvics scans, xray, lungs test (Spirometry, which I had forgotten about) and the PAP smear!

What I felt most funny about was, how all the people who were there for medi tests, including us, all were playing hide and seek ...one comes out of a room the other from another room at the same time and then someone will swap a room with someone. That way, all 5 rooms were always busy...

For my last two tests, I was informed to visit different floor in the building. While my friend was busy with his tests, I headed to level 1 so that we should be able to wrap-up fast and head back to our individual work lives 🙄.

I went in, a lady attendant escorted me to a room and then got a round stool, adjusted it's height for me to sit near the computer screen... At that moment  something with brewing in my mind, I saw a fresh packet of some device infront of her that was labelled - Spirometry. I had no clue what that test was about and I was under the assumption that it's PAPs. The nurse told me to sit next to her and that she will explain me the procedure and I was like may be this is futuristic self-administsred version of PAPs ....

She tore the packaging of the device. Looking at the  shape of the device, with broad speaker like opening, I was convinced that I would be made to do my own PAPs test. One way it felt more comfortable as I won't be laying (nude) shamelessly infront of unknown individuals (even though they were medical professionals and girls)...

Then, the nurse said, you will have to blow into the device and she gestured from her mouth and I had creases on my forehead and I had to get it clarified - is this the same test what I am thinking of? And I was explained that it was lungs test.😂😂

Later, when she asked if I smoke....I was reassured that it's lungs test. I also took this library to imagine - how would I perceive myself if I begin to smoke.

Now, the last was PAPs...one which I dread the most. The weird part is the unease one goes thru while answering  questions like - do you want to do this test? Are you married? And so on and so forth. But today was a bit unusual. I was only asked one question...

One of the two nurses were young girl and another one was a bit elder to me and both seemed to be from Kerala. 

I was only asked if I had done this test before; for which I said "yes, some time back when I was unwell and doctor suggested to get one done". But that was long ago. 

I was asked to lay down (as required for PAPs) and was asked to held my knees up, the cold metal device was being inserted and my body stiffened....😭, both those nurse were in weird shock and in that pose asked me "Normal delivery na?"...I was baffled and wondered why and how it matters -how my mom delivered me??...In that awkwardness I replied, "hmmm...may be I donno." (Not realising that the question was explicitly about myown self).

In that fraction of moment my thought started to question if I am made to lay down and deliver a baby???  Have they mistook me as some other patient?

And then, the bomb was dropped, the nurses asked me if I have had kids or no..I said - NO. I felt as if I commited a crime for not having babies or not being married but still getting PAPs done. And in that half compromised state of my mind and physicality, I was feeling as if I am someone caught shoplifting.

I chose to be kind to myself and not allow any demeaning thoughts to enter my happy state of mind.

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As I reflect on this experience, I realize that life is a series of moments, both ordinary and extraordinary. By embracing each moment with grace and humor, we can navigate even the most challenging situations.